To think that it’s absolutely fine to still have your own money when you are married?

[itsgoodtobehome]

I read so many threads on here about how all money is joint money once you are married. I don’t get it! I am married. DH and I have our salaries paid into our own individual accounts. We then make a regular payment each into a joint bills account (pays all bills, mortgage etc) and a joint spends account (pays for shopping, meals out, family activities, kids stuff etc). The rest is individually ours to do what we want with. I would hate to not have my own money to be able to spend as I like - clothes, lunches out with friends, gym, fitness classes, and DH is the same with his hobby and own pursuits.

However Mumsnet seems to think this is wrong. Am I the only one that thinks like this?

Whatever works for you but I think it’s strange not to share money. We have one current account and one savings account between us

It's fine if you're both happy "itsgoodtobehome*. We have our own accounts and a joint account. We've changed the balance as our earning power has changed and we both have our own savings. It works because we both have the same attitude to money and because we're open about our finances.

Based on people I know, Mrs Terry Pratchett.

When you are starting out and have very little disposable income, it's different; you may have to pool it and watch what you spend in order to make ends meet. Later on when things are easier, both have their own money after expenses are paid.

AlunWynsKnee
It's fine if you're both happy "itsgoodtobehome*. We have our own accounts and a joint account. We've changed the balance as our earning power has changed and we both have our own savings. It works because we both have the same attitude to money and because we're open about our finances.
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That sounds very good indeed. Yes, earning power does change and mortgage payments that used to seem huge become a smaller proportion of income.

It wouldn't work for us. The inconvenience of having to work out proportions of bills, everyday expenses like groceries, essentials and presents for children etc would be such a bind.

Well, if you're going to be quite that anal about it, it would be a bind indeed!

OP, do whatever suits you and your family. We have completely separate accounts which has worked perfectly well for over 20 years. I pay some of the bills, DH pays some of the bills. It's very roughly proportionate to our earnings but as we're a family, it doesn't really matter if one of us pays a bigger proportion some of the time.

So I am married and I pay the full rent, bill, etc and always say to my wife that whatever she earns is hers, I would never ask for a penny from her. I guess what I am trying to say is what’s mine is hers and what is hers is hers😂 I hope this helps though! Take care!

We have a joint savings account and our own current accounts. We each have specific things we pay for and we each put money into the savings account regularly. I am usually the higher earner but I am currently on long term sick leave so just at present DH is earning more. I can see that if one partner was earning a great deal more than the other there is the potential for financial abuse. But if that happens I think it reflects deeper problems in the marriage, not that having seperate bank accounts is inherently wrong. There was a time when I was earning 3 times my husband's salary but I also paid 3 x the household bills and put more into the savings account, which obviously he could withdraw money from at any time. All our money is "ours". Neither of us would see the other go without something if we had money in our account and the other didn't. But we like to be able to do things like buy presents for each other without the bank statement giving the game away! There are more serious reasons related to my husband's family that make it prudent for me to maintain control of my own finances but ai won't go into details about that here. He understands my reasons. We are both happy with the arrangement and it has worked successfully for 27 years so far so we don't plan to change it. Also, I have seen a few friends and family members suffer a lot when ex partners have turned out to be not the people they thought they were and have left them in financial difficulties after a split. I think I know my husband pretty well by now and I don't think anything like that would ever happen to me, but nobody can know for certain what the future holds and I like a bit of independence.

We do. My mother taught me that i should always have my own money. Husband is the higher earner though so he pays for the bigger outgoings - i take care of most of the incidentals. Works for us, wouldn't say it would work for everyone.

Worked for us for the past 25 years and I feel no need to change things.

Every woman should always have her own money, you never know what the future holds.

I think it doesn't matter how you do it as long as you are both on the same page, you can trust each other and things are fair.

We have a combination of both with joint accounts and various business accounts in our sole names.

In the early years we took turns in earning more, however, I did take a hit with babies/toddlers and it has taken me some time to re-establish myself in my career so my earnings have not matched DH's since that time.

Thing is, the kiddos were both our ideas, as is the level of lifestyle we want for our family, including having a stay at home parent while they were little, wanting the best day cares and schools. These were all joint decisions, so yes I (and DH) did feel that DH should 'fund my lifestyle' given that I needed to sacrifice some of my own potential to facilitate the raising of our children in the way we wanted (we also traveled for his job more than once - again it was my career that took the backseat).

DH and I have been together since our teens (we are now mid-40s) we have always pulled together and made joint decisions. We talk openly about everything and discuss and plan in detail (and flex those plans together) as necessary.

The law of survivorship has also ensured that we keep most property in joint names in order to save the other party having to deal with immediate cash/home issues in the event of the death of the other.

Think, plan, discuss.

@Shamoo

out of interest, did you split all non-work place tasks equally, eg cleaning, cooking, looking after any kids, etc

No, I worked fewer hours and he was quite traditional. On a weekend though I’d have the greater leisure time as our house was a gardening/diy project which he was responsible for.

In our setup I paid all the household bills, he paid cars/holidays. It was a definite advantage when we split up as much less disruptive to the day to day finances. For some people this might not be a consideration

We have the same system, but if we get a 'big' amount of money (bonus, inheritance), that goes I'm the joint pot.

Although DH is currently 'funding my lifestyle' whilst I'm on maternity leave.

Sounds perfect if you both earn the same amount- throw in child and yes there is an imbalance.
Who covers maternity ? Who reduces their hours to have flexible hours and be home with your LO.

Of course 2 young adults without dependents need not share money.

When one of their parents has to go into residential care they'll realise that having all money in joint names is a very bad idea.

It's fine in your situation but what will happen if things change? You have a baby, go back to work 3 days a week. Suddenly after you've paid your half you have nothing left. You're cutting your own hair and shopping in Primark while he merrily carries on as he was before. You see it on here all the time.
What if one person earns a lot more and wants to buy an expensive house in the nice part of town but the other can't afford their half? Do they stay in a less nice place so the other doesn't have to fund their lifestyle?
Marriage to me is a partnership and that means pooling resources so that we both have the best lifestyle possible. We each have our own accounts and own money that we can spend as we like but we have the same.

I think it is fine and it seems to work for you.

but it becomes usually an issue once children enter the scene - one parent (usually mum) on mat leave and hugely reduced income, often women give up work and become sahms or go part time and still pay for childcare alone out of their part time salary.

If one parents gives up or reduces work to do more on the domestic front/looking after children, then the OP's arrangement would not work as one person has much less money coming in than the other. Posts about joint finances (or lack of) are usually in the context of these settings.

if both work, earn similar, no childcare bills, then of course it does matter if you pool the finances or not. What an odd post

Agree it’s fine if you both have similar salaries and attitudes to money but so often a woman becomes a SAHM, goes on maternity leave, may return to a low paid job and then suddenly that ‘equality’ doesn’t always worked.

We’ve been married over 30 years and always had a joint account, when we met we had similar salaries and each owned a property which we sold and put an equal amount into our joint house. We also have a similar approach to money, we save, invest in pensions etc. I was a SAHM for 12 years (mutual agreement), no way was I going to ‘ask’ for ‘housekeeping’ or ‘pocket money’, I expected, and got, full access to our joint account to spend as I wished. Obviously I am an adult & wouldn’t go overdrawn or randomly go out & spend £1000s on a new car.

It works for us, personally I couldn’t be bothered with working out %s of who contributes what but I can understand it wouldn’t work for others. Sadly you see women who are financially abused regardless of whether or not they have a share account.

The most important thing for me is a partner with a similar approach to money ie; ‘spenders’ & ‘savers’ probably find it difficult to live together.

Martin Lewis advocates separate bank accounts.

We have separate accounts. I transfer a set amount (approx 2 thirds) to him monthly and he pays all the bills.
He earns 3 times what I earn. Neither of us are profligate but he obviously has the lions share of money. He always buys the high value items, cars/phones etc.

My concern is if he was to die I would have no easy access to the bill recipients. Eg. I know the house/cars are insured but I don't know who with, he shops around each year.

Don't think that this is right or wrong - it's just what works for you.

We have a joint account (offset mortgage account which meant we paid off the mortgage over ten years early and now have a decent interest rate on cash in the account). All household income goes into it and all expenditure goes out of it. We also have joint credit cards - settled in full each month from the joint account I have typically earned about 10x that which DW does (since children) - I think considering that as 'my money' would not be appropriate.
This works for us - can't imagine any other method being easier or fairer for us.

Nobody has to quit work or go part time after having children though. Men don’t in the main, they are expected to just work and pay for everything.

I’d always advise a daughter to ensure she remains in work all she has financial independence. The future is not set and a huge amount of relationships don’t last.

We each transfer 2/3 of our salary into the joint account and that pays all the bills, and keep 1/3 for ourselves. He earns more than me, though spends less, so he’ll tend to buy the cars and insurances as well.

I wouldn't ever have a joint bank account, but equally I wouldn't ever give up work again. I did it in the past and it was a huge mistake, I will never again rely on a partner for money.

We don't have a joint account. I pay all bills. DH just sends a set amount a month. Not enough in my opinion as it doesn't even cover half the mortgage but what can do you? I earn more than him.