To think that it’s absolutely fine to still have your own money when you are married?

[itsgoodtobehome]

I read so many threads on here about how all money is joint money once you are married. I don’t get it! I am married. DH and I have our salaries paid into our own individual accounts. We then make a regular payment each into a joint bills account (pays all bills, mortgage etc) and a joint spends account (pays for shopping, meals out, family activities, kids stuff etc). The rest is individually ours to do what we want with. I would hate to not have my own money to be able to spend as I like - clothes, lunches out with friends, gym, fitness classes, and DH is the same with his hobby and own pursuits.

However Mumsnet seems to think this is wrong. Am I the only one that thinks like this?

You can do what you like with your money.
It's yours. It doesn't matter what people in MN think or do.
We have joint finances as we felt once we were married, we shared everything. It is also very practical for us - just one account where we take everything from.

I think it seems like madness. Dh and I have always had our own money. Until about a year ago, we didn't even have a joint account (been together 11 years), but then we had dc2 and dc1 started school and there were just too many little expenses to keep track of between us, so a joint account was easier. But we only use it for bills. Our salaries are paid into our accounts and our personal accounts are our main ones. We maintain separate savings and investments as well.

We have both been the higher earner at a point in our relationship, but regardless who is at the moment, I like having my own money and being the only one in control of it. I can't be bothered coordinating with him about whether I can book a weekend away this month if he might be planning to get his car serviced or whatever. But our relationship is very egalitarian. No one ever goes without and if one of us is low on money in our personal accounts, the other transfers some over or pays for something urgent. It just seems so much easier that way.

Dh and I each have our own accounts and each pay certain bills. So he pays the mortgage and most utilities, I pay for shopping, pets, dd and birthday/Xmas presents. We both have around the same amount left over and spend it how we like. Works for us!

You can do everything jointly but have your own money as well.

I don't think one way is better than the other, courses for horses

What mumsnet thinks is wrong are circumstances where one partner in the marriage is at serious financial loss. It’s almost always the woman and almost always because she has had children and work circumstances have changed.

It all seems hunky dory when you're young and earning the same. Then maternity leave and sexism and PT work and a greater onus on women's unpaid caring work kicks in and women earn proportionally less and less and men's lives improve and they have more money and time and it starts to be really unfair...

DH and I pay it all into a joint account and then get the same spending money for just us.

Same as you OP until 2017. We did 16 yrs of your way & now we are going to do 16?yrs MN way.

I will feed back in 2033.

I earn 3x more than my DH. It wasn't always that way, I have done fantastically well in my career. We put all our money into a joint account and have the same amount of disposable 'play' money each month. It's not about 'funding his lifestyle' we're a team and married.

I could not live with myself if I was able to buy expensive clothes whilst he has to shop in Primark!

I was really surprised when I came onto mumsnet and found that so many people thought money should all be shared. I’ve had my own financial independence for too long to suddenly put everything into a joint account. I also don’t agree that pre children the person with more money should necessarily supplement the one with less money; there is a bit more complexity within that as a higher wanting person might want to live somewhere the lower earning person can’t afford so would be happy to pay more or similar with holidays but I wouldn’t say it should be assumed.
I do also think it changes again when you have kids as often one persons career is put on hold so the other should contribute more but that doesn’t have to mean completely shared finances.

@itsgoodtobehome You mention sharing childcare costs, but often it's a hidden cost in that the woman has had to reduce her hours at work in order to care for the children. Why should she be worse off financially and the father benefit from 'free' childcare?

I think it’s fine too as long as both parties are paying their share of bills.

It tends to be men expected to share on MN even if they have no say in their partners not working or doing a few hours.

Plenty of downsides to a joint account as well especially if only one person is putting money in it. Might as well buy your own presents etc as paying for them anyway.

Because if one person is earning more the other is enabling them to do so by doing childcare/admin/housework etc.

Yours is fine it’s equal. What isn’t is one person working being seen as better than the other staying at home and facilitating that end and being left out
What’s worse is those (and I have seen a few) who selfishness lets the children go without

We do too but then we earn around the same, it is cases where one party is unable to earn/ earns less due to joint decision to prioritise family needs and therefore earns less or nothing that is the problem

My DH and I have had a joint account since a year into our relationship, once we started living together. We have always earned very similar salaries so everything has been split very evenly. But as PP mentioned once maternity and part time working happens (DH was denied going down to 4 days) then things become less even financially but both are still contributing to the family evenly IMO. So now we have the same individual spending money each month and the rest gets split between bills, childcare and savings.

Everything is fine if both parties are happy and everyone has what they need.

If you’re on a thread where one partner is being financially abused then you’ll see a lot of comments saying money should be shared.

It works when one partner isn't earning substantially more or supporting the other.

Nrtft but we have separate accounts. We pay proportionally for bills, no joint accounts and then we spend or save as we wish.

I'm of a mind where I don't want to justify what I'm spending. I've earned it and vice versa with him.

fund their lifestyle is an odd way to word it.

DH outearns me by a ridiculous amount. I've taken time out to have the DC, to work around their school term time and realistically despite being a higher-rate tax payer I'll never earn what he does. It's how it is. I think I'd be hurt immeasurably if he genuinely saw it as funding my lifestyle when we both work hard for our family.

We each have separate accounts our salaries come into. We each have bills we pay. Neither of us is ever skint. Neither of us goes without. Neither of us worries about money. But you can bet your left arm if he got sick tomorrow and couldn't work for a month that 'my' salary would pay his share of the bills and vice versa because we're a unit and I wouldn't begrudge him anything.

Why should someone else fund your lifestyle? Is that a serious question?

It's a marriage! A shared life!

Everything paid into one account. I buy anything I want. DH buys anything he wants. We discuss large purchases before going ahead with them.

He earns 50k a year. I earn 15k as I'm PT. He is not 'funding my lifestyle'. Because he is my bloody husband!

People can do what they want. Personally, with our money working together it works harder. We had an offset mortgage so everything went into the same account and it helped pay off our mortgage in 11 years. Similarly now it earns more interest together. Makes sense to us. We spend what we want, which also works because neither or us is shit with money or is extravagant and we discuss big purchases.
The only thing I find odd about people with separate finances is when you’re out for a meal with couples and they’re working out their own meal / drinks costs, or if we’re grabbing a takeaway and they’re pissing on about who owes what and whose turn it is. I couldn’t be bothered with that. But then most people aren’t like that.
Each to their own!

Same arrangement here but husband earns a few grand more so he will often pay a bit extra for things so it's fairer (and we end up with similar disposable income). No hard and fast rules on what and when but we are both open about finances and would discuss if either of us didn't feel any contribution was fair (rather than even).

Realise I've used the word fair twice but that's kind of the premise...

He earns 50k a year. I earn 15k as I'm PT. He is not 'funding my lifestyle'.

Surely he’s funding your lifestyle unless you both live a £15k lifestyle?

baboosh my husband earns over 4 times what I do. If I can't afford something that month then he'll happily buy it for me.

We're a partnership but with give and take financially with separate bank accounts.

I value my financial independence as much now as I did in my 20s.

We had most money pooled centrally for bills, food shopping, kids stuff etc. Then we each had our own "pocket money" to spend as we wish. We have the same spending money each despite not earning the same. Worked for us.

Surely he’s funding your lifestyle unless you both live a £15k lifestyle?

Or looking at it another way, they're jointly funding the lifestyle of a couple earning £65k.

DH and I have separate bank accounts. He pays all the bills, buys the food, petrol, holidays etc etc. I work full time and I save most of my salary. When I worked part time when the DC were small, he paid for everything and paid money into my bank account each month so I never had to ask for money. It's all our money. My savings will be shared when we retire.