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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that it’s absolutely fine to still have your own money when you are married?

317 replies

itsgoodtobehome · 22/10/2019 20:38

I read so many threads on here about how all money is joint money once you are married. I don’t get it! I am married. DH and I have our salaries paid into our own individual accounts. We then make a regular payment each into a joint bills account (pays all bills, mortgage etc) and a joint spends account (pays for shopping, meals out, family activities, kids stuff etc). The rest is individually ours to do what we want with. I would hate to not have my own money to be able to spend as I like - clothes, lunches out with friends, gym, fitness classes, and DH is the same with his hobby and own pursuits.

However Mumsnet seems to think this is wrong. Am I the only one that thinks like this?

OP posts:
UndomesticHousewife · 23/10/2019 16:46

Fund my lifestyle? We're married, we have 3 dc no one is sponging off anyone we are a partnership.
Dh earns in the six figures, I work from home and take home approx 18-20K
How would you arrange these finances? After I paid my share of bills etc I should just live on the rest while dh gets a shit load of money left over to do with what he wants?
I'll have a Sun holiday in Butlins he will go to the Maldives?
That's utterly ridiculous, we share our finances bills are paid, dc are supported and if we want something we get it. Anything that is not spent goes in savings account. Joint savings not his or mine.

Chloe84 · 23/10/2019 16:49

I’m about to divorce DH (he is cheating).

He doesn’t know the extent of my savings (thinks I have 30% of what I actually have).

I’m so glad I didn’t tell him. We will do the divorce ourselves so no one will need to see my finances.

He earns 30% more than me but is spendthrift. I neither know or care how much he has in savings.

Original poster
itsgoodtobehome · 23/10/2019 16:56

Thatmuppetshow I just like having my own money. It's not about hiding anything, it's just knowing that I can buy what I want. I know - now you are going to say - why would your DH stop you from buying something? Well he probably wouldn't. But I definitely like to shop more than my DH does. So if I spend £500 per month on clothes, and he doesn't, I would feel like I was taking advantage and spending more than my 'fair share'. This way, I can spend what I have, and not worry about that. Maybe you have a different attitude to money and you and your DH spend roughly the same. I know that I spend way more than my DH, so I wouldn't feel comfortable with that coming out of joint funds.

OP posts:
LBOCS2 · 23/10/2019 17:01

That's why DH and I keep separate 'play money' accounts - we can fritter or spend it on what we want without each other seeing or disapproving or feeling like it needs justifying. I'd definitely feel guilty about some of my spends if they came out of a joint fund, but like this it's fair game.

ThatMuppetShow · 23/10/2019 17:13

I know that I spend way more than my DH, so I wouldn't feel comfortable with that coming out of joint funds.

it's more that I see even our "own" money as a joint fund anyway. We still have a mortgage to pay, kids to finance, so in the end, it's all a joint fund. If I spend £200 to have my hair done, it doesn't matter from which account it comes from, it's money that is not going towards the family if that makes sense.

BuildBuildings · 23/10/2019 17:20

I think it's fine. But what the issue is for a lot of women is they earn less due to pt work, pay childcare and pat for all of child related costs. So it's fine as long as you have access to money yiu need and share expenses fairly. It never fails to amaze me how my women pay for childcare out of their wages alone as if its theirvs to pay as they are choosing not to be SAHM.

sanchezz · 23/10/2019 17:21

I do get irked when threads get started like this with pokes about women having their lifestyles “funded”. There are so many of these threads and it’s always the same thing.

Firstly because it’s cinpleyely obvious that some women have no choice - eg. if they have children with additional needs at home? Or they can’t afford childcare - eg for twins? Or maybe they just have several or more DC which means a longer stint at home than if you have one or two? In all kinds of circumstances, this “you are funded” accusation just feels like a low blow tbh.

But mainly, it makes no sense because couples who do have shared finances simply don’t think like that to begin with. It’s a different attitude altogether. It would never occur to DH and I to think like that because it’s a total non-issue.

swingofthings · 23/10/2019 17:22

the benefits are for the children, not the parent, so of course it's a sacrifice
The benefits that you believed in, these are not facts.

It would be like me saying that I sacrifice myself going to work FT for my children so that I could pay for them to have a better lifestyle and that benefited them. I chose to work because indeed I thought it was best for them, but I don't consider that I made a sacrifice by going to work.

It's nothing to do with acting superior, I don't consider myself superior because I went to work, I did because I thought it was best for everyone, otherwise I wouldn't have done it, just like I believe sahm have decided to become so because they thought it was best for them and their family.

If we consider that every choice we make that means giving something up becomes a sacrifice, then just about everyone could claim to have sacrificed something, for one, all ft working fathers who work to bring the family income could say they have sacrificed their relationship with their children by going to work.

broomzoom · 23/10/2019 17:22

This is the norm for me & my circle but this could be because we all work & earn relatively good salaries. Obviously it's different if one person doesn't earn much or doesn't work.

broomzoom · 23/10/2019 17:28

Also I have one friend who is a barrister & 1 who is a divorce solicitor, they have always said it's amazing how quickly family money belongs to one person.

ThatMuppetShow · 23/10/2019 17:29

I chose to work because indeed I thought it was best for them, but I don't consider that I made a sacrifice by going to work.

YOU don't, and maybe you didn't have any of the "parent guilt" that many working parents have. I know plenty of people who do. I know plenty who feel that they are missing out on a lot.

I have also seen a lot of tears from little ones because some mums and dads were again missing some school thing. It does make me feel a bit shit because that could have been my own the previous week - and I am lucky and senior enough to work from home a lot, so I don't miss as much as others.

itsbetterthanabox · 23/10/2019 17:30

Op why are you doing all the housework and childcare if you both work full time? Sound like he's treating you like a mug and you are defensive so insulting other women who have more equal relationships.

Shagged · 23/10/2019 17:39

YANBU OP

We do same as you and it works for us

I know what I have in my personal account and can make decisions about my spending accordingly. I'd struggle to budget if everything was joint. If for example there is £200 remaining in account used for non-essentials (hobbies, eating out, clothes, gigs etc) then you wouldn't be able to make decision about whether you can buy some boots or a theatre ticket without checking what your spouse was planning to spend before month end!?... It would drive me mad

Original poster
itsgoodtobehome · 23/10/2019 17:41

I certainly don't do all the housework and childcare. In fact my DH probably does more housework than I do. I am definitely not a mug (although now I really fancy a cup of tea!!).

OP posts:
AllFourOfThem · 23/10/2019 17:43

We have separate finances (both earn a similar salary). It’s a bit cheeky really as DH pays for bills, groceries and bills out of his account and I spent mine on frivolous stuff. It works for us though.

looselegs · 23/10/2019 17:47

Everybody's circumstances are different. My husband has been unable to work due to various health reasons for the last 3 years. He is on benefits which total less than £450 per month. I'm self employed and earn 4 times that or more. His money barely covers the food bill, never mind anything else. I pay everything else and whatever is left over is ours. He didn't ask to be ill, and would give anything to be mobile again- he was in the construction industry-and we married in sickness and in health. I certainly don't see it as funding his lifestyle- it's giving him freedom to still do what he can physically, while he can.

sanchezz · 23/10/2019 17:56

I’m 45 and DH is 49 and we’ve been together since our mid-20s. I couldn’t even begin to think what’s “his” and what’s “my” money now. Even if I was working, that would make no sense. Everything would still be joint. Your lives become so entwined over time. When you have multiple children, mortgages, school fees, investments, elderly parents to take care of - all these things - do you really have time to calculate “personal spends?” Does it matter? I mean, if DH buys a bike, I just think, “Oh, that’s nice.” I don’t think, “We’ll that’s £xxxx for me then - or it’s not fair!” I couldn’t even begin to work out what is “personal” and what isn’t because we have such different spending habits and patterns. I was out for lunch with the kids today - would that be “personal?” What about if they use my “personal” toiletries - do I get a refund? I don’t feel any more or less “independent” for not having “my own” bank account because ultimately, I’m either going to buy something or I’m not. Its irrelevant. I don’t expect a financial inquisition from DH because we’re a family and this is the life we have built together. Nobody is unreasonable and we all have to do what we need to do within the context of our overall finances and the decisions we have made together over the years - the DC, where we live, schools, lifestyle, investments, property, work patterns and everything else.

broomzoom · 23/10/2019 18:16

Not everyone who has separate finances sits there calculating personal spends though, I don't even think about it tbh.

YouJustDoYou · 23/10/2019 18:21

I have zero in savings now (everything I had, which was pennies anyway, was spent on my dementia-ridden grandmother's care, bills etc), but sorely wish I had my own money. Working on it. It's nice to have a joint account, but I want and need my own financial freedom too.

Graphista · 23/10/2019 18:56

PettyContractor I’m not sure that’s true given how the state views the income and assets of a married couple, not only upon divorce but incapacity, death, re taxes, when claiming benefits, when assessing support for elderly care...

Op STOP with the disingenuous claims that you’ve not disparaged sahm/part time working mums it’s been clear from the start your opinion/attitude on this matter.

Original poster
itsgoodtobehome · 23/10/2019 19:14

Where have I disparaged sahms? I don’t think I even mentioned them.

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 23/10/2019 19:49

Loose, that’s very different from him not choosing to work or do the odd hour. If one opts out by choice not ill health then of course the other person is funding their lifestyle. They aren’t funding it themselves however they try and dress it up claiming their spouse couldn’t work without them etc.

Given the amount of relationships that don’t last I can see why more and more opt for separate accounts and financial independence and it should be encouraged.

sanchezz · 23/10/2019 20:02

OP, you know exactly what you said in your “freeloading” response to one poster, but it got deleted and all the comments quoting it or responding directly were deleted too.

There are threads like this a lot on MN and I do wonder why this is?

ThatMuppetShow · 23/10/2019 20:19

If one opts out by choice not ill health then of course the other person is funding their lifestyle. They aren’t funding it themselves however they try and dress it up claiming their spouse couldn’t work without them etc.

oh stop it, you are getting more and more ridiculous.

I remember a thread where a poster was as unpleasant as you, until someone posted a link to another one where she hated her job and was absolutely miserable at work.
Everytime I read these ridiculous attacks against SAHM and "funding lifestyle" I am reminded of her.

Ok, you might have a cushy little 10 to 4 term-time only job, earning around £200k a year for it, so you don't need a spouse to help you out and take on more of the childcare. Good for you.

Furrydogmum · 23/10/2019 20:37

What @UndomesticHousewife said!