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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

To think that it’s absolutely fine to still have your own money when you are married?

317 replies

itsgoodtobehome · 22/10/2019 20:38

I read so many threads on here about how all money is joint money once you are married. I don’t get it! I am married. DH and I have our salaries paid into our own individual accounts. We then make a regular payment each into a joint bills account (pays all bills, mortgage etc) and a joint spends account (pays for shopping, meals out, family activities, kids stuff etc). The rest is individually ours to do what we want with. I would hate to not have my own money to be able to spend as I like - clothes, lunches out with friends, gym, fitness classes, and DH is the same with his hobby and own pursuits.

However Mumsnet seems to think this is wrong. Am I the only one that thinks like this?

OP posts:
Taswama · 23/10/2019 21:30

What did you mean by your comment this morning @KamikazeIdiot ?

Gravitsap · 23/10/2019 22:25

We are married for 17 years now and only a few weeks ago we split our accounts.. The thing is, my husband is not good with money at all. It took me years to realize it and splitting the accounts was the only way out.

He has got a good salary, I work for myself. My income depends on the load of work I take. I do work very hard, but I also get a handsome pay for it. The harder I work, the better the pay. And I have realized that it doesn't matter how hard I work and how much I bring in: it all going to be spend in the end and no money to save Confused

I still haven't got answers to all my questions and I really want to understand where did all the money go. My husband is the loveliest person I ever met. And I never thought of any other way running my family finances but one shared account. The inability to figure out why our monthly spendings were so high was driving me mad and made me so unhappy and miserable.

After a massive row we have decided to go separate financial ways. We have got one main shared account where we put in an equal share for the mortgage, household bills, food. The rest of each earnings goes into our individual accounts.

It is only a few weeks since we are living like this, but I am much happier and feel so much better about myself. And I already have savings and it does feel amazing..

The whole situation did put a strain on our relationship, but I hope my husband overcome it eventually. I do love him and I believe what has happened is for the best for us.

I look back and I see me consulting with him every my spending (he never asked, but I always felt I HAVE to, as he was in charge of the finances, so he OUGHT to know). With my silent consent he was controlling me.

I can't express what a freedom I am feeling at the moment. I can't describe how wonderful it does feel. I do not want even to buy anything, I am like a maniac, all I want is to save and save Grin and see how much I am able to put aside.

So I think there is not wrong way or right way. I always wanted to have shared account, as this is how I imagine a perfect model family. But it just did not work out for us

Graphista · 23/10/2019 23:25

Oh come on lose the faux naïveté

“But individually, why should another person fund your lifestyle?”

“Because it's our choice - we earned it.”

“I work FT and do all of the admin, school type things you mention. I think you are just making excuses as to why you didn't take the £50k job. Bottom line is, you didn't want to. Which is fine by the way, just don't make excuses about admin, homework etc. Most people manage to do this as well as work full time.” Families who spend more time at home have more that needs done at home. Plus as has been pointed out to you several times, some families contain members/circumstances which mean there’s more to do.

Bit more subtle than other comments but still op straining to make it clear she has ALWAYS earned HER money.

“when I was on maternity leave, I continued to contribute towards the joint accounts as I got maternity pay”

“But, he doesn't get to have an opinion about what I spend MY money on”

“and feel the satisfaction of earning your own money?”

“what stuff? She'll be there 7 hours a day - what are you planning to do, stand outside the school and offer her snacks throughout the day?” This whole post was plain nasty!

The sarcasm and the dismissal of the fact that some children, some families for a number of reasons find that actually the school years can be harder to organise childcare for and for some children can be a time when they need MORE support not less is pretty offensive.

And that opinion compounded here

“Most children I know go to school when they are 4, so fair enough you might stay at home with them until then, but that's only 4 years which is only a small proportion of a working life. Why do you need to 'sacrifice' a whole career just for those early years of children?” For starters 4 years can significantly impact someone’s career so it CAN mean an entire career is sacrificed to parenthood. Then there’s all the reasons myself and others have given why school age children need support and childcare might not be easy or affordable.

“Be honest about it though - it must be through choice or you wouldn’t make that decision” it’s NOT always a choice though, it’s not a choice for parents with disabled children, it’s not a choice for parents where one has a job that limits the other parents working availability (eg my ex was army so I and many military wives have to operate on the fact that you cannot rely on the other parent for childcare at any time as if they’re on duty or exercise or deployed they’re plain not there! So if you work it has to be a job that fits with available childcare which is generally 8-6 Monday to Friday, no weekends, no bank holidays and for employers who don’t mind it always being you that has to take time off if kids are sick etc), it’s not a choice for parents living in areas where childcare is scarce. And I’m sure there are other scenarios I haven’t thought of too, but I’m open minded enough to be aware that every family’s circumstances are different.

“and how you need to be at home to do all the housework and admin - as that really doesn’t take all day every day!!” again depends on each family and their circumstances.

And that’s not including the deleted posts which I can make a fair guess at what was said from others comments!

So cut out the disingenuous claim that you haven’t disparaged sahms.

You’re like a child saying “but I didn’t say that swear word” when they did say it but in a pig Latin type way that they think was clever enough for them to be able to deny what they said when they did say it!

You have throughout disparaged not only sahm but also part time working mums, anyone you consider doesn’t “pay their way”.

You’re clearly one of those people that attaches far too much meaning to money and not enough meaning to the non monetary ways in which people contribute to their families and indeed wider society.

ibanez0815 · 24/10/2019 07:04

great post , graphista.

if OP isn't a troll, she probably has a pretty sad life (though she will dispute this). Not only were there lots of plain nasty comments aimed at sahms and parents working part time but I really don't understand her complete inability to accept that other families chose different setups to her own. Anything that didn't involve two working parents on a career path got attacked in one way or the other.

Why does it bother the OP so much how other families organise themselves???

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 24/10/2019 07:21

What interests me about my own situation is that DH and I pool everything into a joint account yet I have never once felt that I don't have financial independence. I earn money, he earns money, it goes into an account that we independently have access to when we need it.

However, we both trust and respect each other enough to be able to work like that, and we both have very similar attitudes to spending. And we consult over the big decisions like new cars, work that needs doing on the house and so on.

Delatron · 24/10/2019 07:30

Great post Graphista.

Good to see all of OP’s narrow minded quotes in one succinct post for us all to see.

Drivingbuttercup · 24/10/2019 07:59

How do you save money for the future with separate accounts? Dh earns more that i do, but all money goes into an account and then we transfer money into our saving account leaving money for bills etc. Sometimes we have a good amount saved and sometimes not so much. Dh and i are both British but our parents were migrant workers who were working class, but we are both good earners. It was ingrained from a young age to live within our means and save for the future, our future. Neither of us are big spenders but by pooling our money together we live within our means and neither has a better life style then the other.

Youve got to go by whatever works best for you. But just interest to hear how people who have seperate accounts save money.

broomzoom · 24/10/2019 08:11

How do you save money for the future with separate accounts?

We both have individual pension schemes. Money comes out of my account for short term saving account which is mainly for holidays/emergencies & a bit into premium bonds. DH transfers money into our long term savings account & money into DCs ISAs

ConFusion360 · 24/10/2019 08:59

How do you save money for the future with separate accounts?

The same way that you do it with a joint account. Transfer the money into the saving account of your choice. We swap money around between our various accounts to get the best overall return.

kingsassassin · 24/10/2019 09:10

We have separate accounts. I save money each month into regular saver accounts by standing order on payday which pays for holidays. Dh saves money left over each month.

He saves proportionately slightly more than me, which is why I like to transfer it out at the start of the month so I can't fritter it away.

Abraid2 · 24/10/2019 15:52

I don't always see eye to eye with you, Graphista, but I do strongly agree with this:

far too much meaning to money and not enough meaning to the non monetary ways in which people contribute to their families and indeed wider society.

Verily1 · 24/10/2019 15:57

When it’s the woman who is the higher earner the money is usually shared. Hmm

DontMakeMeShushYou · 24/10/2019 16:09

How do you save money for the future with separate accounts?

The same way as people with joint accounts I guess?

I put some away each month in my ISA, DH pays into an endowment policy, and 'we' have a savings account in my name that we both put irregular deposits in such as DH's redundancy money, or surplus from my current account.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 24/10/2019 16:11

When it’s the woman who is the higher earner the money is usually shared.

There doesn't seem to be any evidence of that on this thread. I'm (a woman and) the higher earner in our household and we have completely separate accounts.

sanchezz · 24/10/2019 16:34

I also agree with Graphista and I think it’s sad that we have so many of these threads on a mainly female forum. I can imagine how I would feel if I was an isolated mum at home with no family support and finding things really difficult, maybe verging on depression. Maybe you have twins; or sick children; or four / lots of children; those with additional needs. You might come on here for light relief and companionship, only to find some woman with a bee in her bonnet, telling you you are sponging off your DH! Anyway, when I read these threads, the phrase “knowing the price of everything, but the value of nothing” is one that springs to mind. It’s a shame.

JassyRadlett · 24/10/2019 17:44

Graphista has it spot on.

There doesn't seem to be any evidence of that on this thread. I'm (a woman and) the higher earner in our household and we have completely separate accounts.

I’ll bite. I earn more than twice DH’s salary. We put into a joint account proportionately for joint expenses, leaving us both with roughly the same amount for our own spending.

Because I love him and he contributes just as much to the family in every way except financially. I honestly couldn’t imagine actively wanting him to have a less nice and easy life than I do simply because the labour market is willing to pay more for my skills.

Graphista · 24/10/2019 23:43

Thanks for all the positive comments.

I think "the price of everything and the value of nothing" sums it up well too.

We all add value to the lives of our loved ones and wider society.

As I mentioned in an earlier post I've pretty much been every "kind" of mum at different points, there are pros and cons to all options and none are less worthy than any of the others. It can depend on your child/rens stage, age and various other factors as to what type of mothering suits your family at any given point.

But I'm heartily sick of the judgment, especially from other mothers, that's laid at the feet of mums who are doing something different to what they're doing!

I have a large and wide circle of mum friends, among them are high flying career women, students, foster mums, single mums, mums that work part time, sahm, carers... all sorts and I love, value and respect them all.

They all have their challenges as mothers and all have their victories too.

Most haven't been just one "type" of mum either like me, they've been sahm, working mum etc at different points. Peoples lives tend to fluctuate quite a lot in my experience.

I've also witnessed them trying to be the "right" type of mum according to other influences and then felt like failures when that "type" didn't suit them, from friends who tried the sahm thing and found it claustrophobic and isolating to ones who had high flying careers and tried to go back after only a short mat leave and were heartbroken at missing their dc and found it just too stressful and far more of an emotional wrench than they'd expected.

Sadly economics come into those decisions too, more than one friend has confided they'd have rather taken longer mat leave but felt pressured to return to work earlier because their outgoings were too high, and yes one could argue it was their choice to have those high outgoings but often it's financial commitments that were made prior to having dc before they knew how they'd feel about going back to work 3-6 months after having dc.

Sometimes it can really surprise you which of your friends are desperate to get back to work and which are more inclined to want to be at home. It's quite unpredictable.

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