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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go and pick up daughter

318 replies

Twix42 · 22/10/2019 17:39

DD age 13 is at a friend's house. Has been with her all day. She just messaged me to ask if I could come and pick her up. Friend lives roughly 1 mile away, if that. It's not raining or dark outside and it's a safe route home. I told her to walk back home herself she'salazyarse
Needless to say her friend's parent will probably bring her home anyway as they are a soft touch and will feel sorry for her.
It's really not that far away, but aibu to not go and collect her?
Btw I am not expecting said friend's parent to bring her home, they just do it....

OP posts:
DappledThings · 22/10/2019 20:35

I never said the OP doesn't feed her DD, I said I don't buy it that she has loving cooked a massive 'cooked from scratch' home cooked meal for her DD, when she couldn't be arsed to fetch her from her friend's house*

My mum cooked us lovely meals from scratch nearly every day. She also wouldn't have come to pick me up from a friend's house a mile away which is really no distance at all.

If the friend's parents had insisted on taking me home she would have been bemused I suspect. Certainly not shamed into feeling she'd done anything wrong.

OP said nothing to suggest she hoped friend's parents would bring her home or that if she didn't think that was a possibility it would change her decision. You are so massively projecting.

Oliversmumsarmy · 22/10/2019 20:35

I don’t mind Dd walking in Central London. CCTV and loads of people around

I wouldn’t want her to walk for a mile in our local town.

Whilst few children and teens get killed and make the headlines

I know a few who have been assaulted or someone trying to drag them down alleys.

For me it wouldn’t be about her being lazy.
I could never forgive myself if anything happened and I wasn’t there for her.

FWIW Dd has grown up to be incredibly hardworking and with not an entitled bone in her body.

countrygirl99 · 22/10/2019 20:42

I was about the same age and wanted to walk home. I was persuaded to accept a lift from my friends dad. I would have been safer walking, you can't escape easily in a car.

Nuttyfellalovesnutella · 22/10/2019 20:45

I would do it (unless there was a massive emergency I was involved in)

For these reasons:

  • It’s a nice thing to do
  • It’s what parents do
  • She might be unsafe out there - attacks, bully’s, fires, cars. She’s only 13.
  • She can do other things to stave off obesity (eat less)

Sounds like the other parents have some kindness though.

Greysparkles · 22/10/2019 20:49

Do you have problems with comprehension?!

Oh the irony

Summer23 · 22/10/2019 20:50

YABU your daughter has been away all day. What’s the problem with being a nice person and walking or driving to go and see her? I wouldn’t think twice about it. Unless she’s been off in the past with expecting you to be a taxi driver, this is a non issue.

RubbingHimSourly · 22/10/2019 20:54

I'm fat and old, a mile only takes me 20 minutes or so.

It's not even cold, plus she'll warm up when she's walking.........unless she has some sort of special needs then there's no reason why it would even be up for discussion.

Dorsetdays · 22/10/2019 20:54

Summer. This exactly. I find it really odd what some parents choose to create an issue about.

megletthesecond · 22/10/2019 21:02

I'll admit I've only read the first page.

Is she safe and ok? Has there been a falling out or a risk of bullying on the way home. For example I'm not scared of our local drug dealers but I know my kids are and I'd go and get them if they had the willies about something.

A mile is nothing to keep your daughter safe anyway. You could have walked that in 20 mins.

TopBitchoftheWitches · 22/10/2019 21:05

At 13 I would collect them.

museumum · 22/10/2019 21:05

I honestly don’t think it’s “being nice” to encourage car travel for such short distances.
Human beings need to move their bodies and breathe outside air (even when “getting cold”). It’s essential for physical and mental health to not get into the habit of driving when it’s not necessary.

pjmask · 22/10/2019 21:06

Err my dd walks a mile to and from school every day! I do lots of things for her "to be nice" She's very much loved and knows it. This thread is terrifying. Please people encourage independence in your teens so they have the confidence and awareness to keep themselves safe as young adults.

As for the raining one... can't remember the exact username but WTAF?! Are you on drugs Confused

shearwater · 22/10/2019 21:08

Don't be so fucking miserable and lazy, go and pick your daughter up. Jesus, it's not that hard. Why would you even want to start a battle about this?

Nextphonewontbesamsung · 22/10/2019 21:09

I live in London. Quite often I see young children of well under 10 years old out and about on their own. On Sunday I saw a boy of no more than 10 doing quite a bit of shopping in the supermarket. I did flinch at that a bit and often do a double-take a primary school age kids roaming free. But, generally, nothing bad happens to them outside the house because otherwise the news headlines would be screaming at us.

Dorsetdays · 22/10/2019 21:10

To be honest, if the only exercise or opportunity to be ‘outdoors, breathing fresh air’ is the occasional 1 mile walk home, your DC’s need to be encouraged to do more exercise.

Mine do plenty so the odd pickup wouldn’t make a jot of difference!

Nor would it make them dependant on me for the rest of their lives for goodness sake.

73Sunglasslover · 22/10/2019 21:12

73Sunglasses. You seem irritated that I queried your post. There's really no need to be. I just read a lot on here about fostering independence and raising self sufficient adults. Yet quite often there seem to be quite harsh expectations of our teens and preteens that we as adults wouldn't countenance for ourselves. I personally don't agree that lifts at age 12/13 are particularly related to future independence and adulthood, even after reading your posts and I hope we can just agree to disagree on that.

I'm happy to disagree. The balance between protection and infantilising is complicated and I think most parents are aware of treading a fine line. I'm not in the least irritated that you question my post. I was irritated by your putting quotes around the word 'adult'. It seems potentially passive aggressive and when people are passive aggressive I believe it's OK to ask them to make their point directly as that's when real conversation can happen. It may be that you didn't mean it to come across as it did. Written communications can easily break down. I just am confused about what the purpose of the quotation marks was.

itsgettingweird · 22/10/2019 21:16

Yanbu.

I'm more astounded by the number of parents here who think it's cruel to make her walk less than a mile, think it's so cold (how will they cope when winter arrives?!) and that because it'll be dark an hour later it's 'nearly dark'

I'd also tell her if she accepted a lift I'd be cross with her. One of the things I've always believed is if your children are old enough to go out then they are old enough to get themselves to and from.

Obviously certain circumstances I'd do lifts. But this is unnecessary.

Ragwort · 22/10/2019 21:17

My DS now drives & we share my car, often after a long day at work he will come and pick me up, it’s just over a mile to walk home. Does that makes me lazy and entitled? Hmm

Sometimes it is just kind and thoughtful to give someone a lift.

MamaGee09 · 22/10/2019 21:21

I still pick my 16. & 17 yr olds up. If you know her friends parent will drop her off I would pick her up so as not to put them out.

I also wouldn’t want my dd walking a mile by herself.... I couldn’t care less that it’s a busy route.

Nextphonewontbesamsung · 22/10/2019 21:27

It makes you a little bit lazy tbh Ragwort. And this dd has not done a long day at work, has she? And she is in her teens so hopefully has a lot more natural energy than you have.

GabsAlot · 22/10/2019 21:27

ffs i was out in the dark at 13 and still walkd home alone some people need to get a grip

shearwater · 22/10/2019 21:27

DD1 (14) can and does walk more than a mile on her own quite regularly. But if she asked me to pick her up and I was able to, I would, why wouldn't you?

To create division between you? To make a half-arsed point about childhood obesity? I just don't get why this would be an issue, as summer said.

Original poster
Twix42 · 22/10/2019 21:30

This thread has given me much bemusement this evening. It wasnt dark raining or dangerous in any way. DD walks twice the distance to school and back everyday. In the winter it will be dark here at 4pm... (we live far up north uk) and she will walk that distance on her own there and back. Right now it's still very light at 5.30pm.

If there was any hint of danger or if it had been later I'd have gone and got her, walking or car or whatever, and I would always do that. Of course I care about her wellbeing! Don't be ridiculous.
She wanted a lift as she was being lazy.

OP posts:
BoardingSchoolMater · 22/10/2019 21:31

My DS has to walk an average of four miles every day between buildings, and has been doing since he was 13, including in the dark (in winter). Should I pick him up and ferry him for each mile? I'd only have to drive 250 miles to do so.

Unless the route is dangerous/full of druggies/dark and unlit (none of which applies to the OP, who is the one who asked the question about a specific situation at a specific time), anyone who got the car out for a teenager to make that journey would be quite mad.

GabsAlot · 22/10/2019 21:32

She was already cooking the bloody meal why would she not give it to her she wasnt being lazy ffs