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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my male friend is in love with me?

243 replies

ExplodingHeart · 21/10/2019 23:58

I don’t know why I think it. I suppose it’s a gut instinct. I’m very willing be told that I’m being unreasonable but I have this overwhelming feeling that my male friend loves me. Can I possibly know if he’s never said?

If I had to give some rational examples or evidence then I could try...
(For context he’s a very blokey bloke)

  • he remembers all the little and big things that are important to me. He remembers dates that I have told him I have an important meeting or presentation coming up. I might not have mentioned it for 3 weeks but then the day before he sends his good luck.
  • I’ve seen him look at me very differently to normal when he hasn’t had a chance to turn away. For example, one time I was walking ahead of him and had no idea he was there a few feet behind me. We were in a busy place. But I sensed he was there so I quickly turned around and smiled at him, taking him completely by surprise. He looked so vulnerable. He had all this tenderness and emotion in his eyes. A similar thing happened when I was meeting him somewhere and I approached him from afar. He was looking out the window for me. Again all tender and earnest. The second he saw me he turned away and went back to his normal self, full of bravado. A third time we suddenly bumped into each other fairly unexpectedly and he had that look again.
  • another time I was somewhere where he definitely wasn’t expecting to see me. He came into the room (I had my back to him) and his feet shuffled on the floor in a startled way when he saw me. He composed himself in a flash and we carried on as normal.

I just have this overwhelming feeling of love coming from him. Am I projecting or could it be true?

We are very close. I think he’s wonderful.

OP posts:
Original poster
ExplodingHeart · 11/11/2019 11:16

Sorry it was so cryptic. It’s difficult to say exactly what I said without completely outing myself!

I feel like it’s pretty obvious how I feel now. I’m just worried that I have ruined a beautiful friendship.

OP posts:
spookysamhainwitch · 11/11/2019 11:30

@ExplodingHeart if this was a romcom, what would you say to the protagonist?

He probably fell asleep and the had to rush to work this morning op. Don't stress to much it's a bit of harmless flirting and banter so you haven't ruined any relationship.

Own it.

Original poster
ExplodingHeart · 11/11/2019 12:44

if this was a romcom, what would you say to the protagonist?
Do you mean if I was the female lead, what would I say to the male lead?
Or what would I tell the female lead to do?

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 11/11/2019 13:09

Awww, lovely, your romcom comment was just so dripping with abject sadness I had to comment.

Look, your friendship with this bloke is already over. You're on edge all the time, grieving him in advance and you're an anxious mess. You aren't going to be fun to hang out with and you'll probably avoid him anyway. The friendship - it's over.

The good news is that you now have nothing to lose by telling him. You have no choice now - you tell him and maybe lose him or don't tell him and 100% lose him.

What did you plan to do when he inevitably dates and eventually marries and has kids with someone else? Yep. Friendships over. Tell him. Hopefully he feels the same. Flowers

spookysamhainwitch · 11/11/2019 13:43

@ExplodingHeart maybe both? Let's say your the friend stuck in the middle. What advice would you give to both parties?

I'm sure you'd be a lot kinder to them than you are to yourself right now.

Original poster
ExplodingHeart · 11/11/2019 16:00

Let's say your the friend stuck in the middle. What advice would you give to both parties?

I’d say to the leading man:
Can’t you see how she feels about you? What are you doing? Do you like her or not? If you don’t fancy her then stop flirting with her. Stop leading her on. Stop giving her hope. If you do fancy her then sort yourself out! Ask her out! Have a drink with her. Tell her how you feel. Take a chance on her. Open your heart.

I’d say to the leading lady:
Stop being a victim. Take some control here. Don’t give him all the power. Let him see how you feel and if he doesn’t rise to the occasion then move on. Remember you’re a powerful, beautiful woman. There are plenty of other men out there who will love and cherish you for you. This man isn’t your only chance at happiness. Go for it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ExplodingHeart · 11/11/2019 16:08

So he replied to my message. He made light of my film quote. Either he noticed the declaration of feelings and decided to ignore them or he didn’t pick up on it. I’m inclined to think it’s the former. It was pretty obvious what I meant.

OP posts:
AFairlyHardAvocado · 11/11/2019 16:24

Oh my love you sounds so despondent 😔 Without knowing the line you quoted it's hard to guess what his reaction means.

The not ruining the friendship thing totally understandable but is is really hard, because the friendship is already affected as soon as one / both of you start to have romantic feelings, not affected only if you act on them.

Do you feel able to be friends with him if he doesn't reciprocate, if he starts seeing someone who you will then hang out with socially alongside him? Or he might ask you for advice on his relationship with them?

If that would be too difficult then you may as well let him know how you feel now, because it will be hard to stay friends if you always have in the back of your mind that you want more.

Raphael34 · 11/11/2019 16:33

Placemarking. I wish you’d just be upfront with him op!

AryaStarkWolf · 11/11/2019 16:39

Being brutally honest, it doesn't sound like he's in to you from your updates. He's either not into you or he's incredibly shy and uncomfortable with romantic stuff............or else he's gay

spookysamhainwitch · 11/11/2019 17:02

I think you should take your own advice and take control here and just ask him?

You're making a presumption without any fact behind it. And all this is by text. Facial expressions and body language are alllllll missing.

Obviously I don't know him like you do, but I just think life is too short for what ifs. It is sooooo frocking short. Any shot at happiness? Just hover that all up & don't let it go. And I think you should just bite the bullet. Or else just swipe right in his tinder profile Wink

And if he's not interested. That's ok too, you'll dust yourself off and start again.

But I really think just being straightforward is the best bet.

Raphael34 · 12/11/2019 16:49

Any developments op?

Hont1986 · 13/11/2019 10:03

Can’t you see how he feels about you? What are you doing? Do you like him or not? If you don’t fancy him then stop flirting with him. Stop leading him on. Stop giving him hope. If you do fancy him then sort yourself out! Ask him out! Have a drink with him. Tell him how you feel. Take a chance on *him. Open your heart.

I think you need to take your own advice OP.

Bellesboo2 · 13/11/2019 11:40

Dying to know the film quite OP! In my head its - I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to love her.

waterrat · 13/11/2019 12:05

God. You need to just lay this on the line .

I've actually been in a really similar situation. A male friend who I fancied sent me a totally cryptic text with a line quoted from somewhere else that sounded like a come on

BUT . I wasn't 100 per cent sure if he meant it or was joking about !!! So I sent back a jokey reply. And then nothing happened even though actually I had a massive crush on him

Op that was 15 yearz ago and I still sometimes wonder if he was trying to come on to me or not. I think that essentially neither of us had the nerve to break our friendship over it. I'm now happily married to someone else !

Stop being cryptic. Just text him something obvious like. I have a crush on you. Or hey do you want to go for a drink just the two of us

If he says no. Then you know and can move on. The friendship is not going to work for now anyway

Monty27 · 14/11/2019 03:19

Ugh.
He doesn't do amateur dramatics then.
Id stick to the romcoms Grin

11MrsLuther · 18/11/2019 22:41

Did he reply OP?

HazelBite · 18/11/2019 23:16

Any progress OP ??

strawberry2017 · 23/11/2019 20:33

Please tell me happy ever after has begun! 💖

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/11/2019 20:39

OP, stop mucking about. Just tell him. Practise bashful and honest in the mirror until you've got it down - and then just do it.

If he loves you as a friend then he won't throw that away. If it's more, then great. Just do it!

puds11 · 23/11/2019 20:51
tensmum1964 · 23/11/2019 21:11

I have to place mark as Im invested nowSmile I so want this to have a happy ending.

loveautum · 23/11/2019 21:12

I've just read most of this thread OP and I'm invested now 😍 Have you both met up?

peachypetite · 23/11/2019 22:05

You just need to get drunk and see what happens

Original poster
ExplodingHeart · 26/11/2019 23:44

Hello, thought you might appreciate an update. So we have continued to text/chat every few days. I bit the bullet and suggested I visit him in his town on a work day for lunch. I know that won’t involve alcohol but I didn’t want to scare him off. So I gave him a list of the dates that I could do (some days off basically) and he got back to me with one of them. It’s in a couple of weeks time.

Another time when we met alone he was so on edge he was trembling and looked terrified. I don’t know if that’s because he likes me or because he’s scared I’m going to pounce on him!

So I need advice on:
• how to stay calm between now and then
• how to not be a nervous wreck on the day
• how to maximise the physical connection in that hour (we have a lot of chat on the phone), eye contact, etc
• what to wear? I don’t want to scare him off. And we’ll be near his work.
• what have I forgotten?

OP posts: