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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my male friend is in love with me?

243 replies

ExplodingHeart · 21/10/2019 23:58

I don’t know why I think it. I suppose it’s a gut instinct. I’m very willing be told that I’m being unreasonable but I have this overwhelming feeling that my male friend loves me. Can I possibly know if he’s never said?

If I had to give some rational examples or evidence then I could try...
(For context he’s a very blokey bloke)

  • he remembers all the little and big things that are important to me. He remembers dates that I have told him I have an important meeting or presentation coming up. I might not have mentioned it for 3 weeks but then the day before he sends his good luck.
  • I’ve seen him look at me very differently to normal when he hasn’t had a chance to turn away. For example, one time I was walking ahead of him and had no idea he was there a few feet behind me. We were in a busy place. But I sensed he was there so I quickly turned around and smiled at him, taking him completely by surprise. He looked so vulnerable. He had all this tenderness and emotion in his eyes. A similar thing happened when I was meeting him somewhere and I approached him from afar. He was looking out the window for me. Again all tender and earnest. The second he saw me he turned away and went back to his normal self, full of bravado. A third time we suddenly bumped into each other fairly unexpectedly and he had that look again.
  • another time I was somewhere where he definitely wasn’t expecting to see me. He came into the room (I had my back to him) and his feet shuffled on the floor in a startled way when he saw me. He composed himself in a flash and we carried on as normal.

I just have this overwhelming feeling of love coming from him. Am I projecting or could it be true?

We are very close. I think he’s wonderful.

OP posts:
Loopyloopy · 22/10/2019 02:23

Why on earth wouldn't you turn friendship into romance? It's how functional romantic relationships work!
OP, flirt. Start subtle and gauge his reaction, to see if he's open to the idea.

Nagsnovalballs · 22/10/2019 03:21

This ‘I don’t want to ruin things‘ is a totally bullshit argument. I guarantee if you don’t make a move or encourage him to make a move, he’ll eventually give up and he’ll date someone else. If / when that becomes serious, do you think she will be happy to have someone wildly in love with her husband hanging around? Do you think you will be able to form meaningful relationships with other men when you are deeply in love with him?

I have a friend who was (sort of is still) deeply in love with her friend for over 20 years and she said all the same things as you. Guess what? He’s married with a couple of kids and she is single and childless. In over 10 years of friendship I have never known her manage to create a relationship. She’s bright, sporty, fun and she works hard to be sociable but she is now crushingly lonely. But it has been so long - no man has ever compared to HIM. And now it has been so long and she is a bit more able to move on (not least because although he is still in contact with her on a casual level, he doesn’t see her more than twice a year now due to work/kids/relationship commitments), she has no confidence that she can flirt or build a relationship. She locked down that side of herself because it felt to her as if she was betraying Him.

Do you want that future? Do you want to chuck your life away on the altar of friendship? I’m being tough on you because i regret I met my friend too late to ever say this to her.

KylieKoKo · 22/10/2019 03:26

OP get pissed and snog him. Blame the booze if he rebuffs you. It's a tried and tested method

Babynamechangerr · 22/10/2019 04:22

nags makes a great point, 'what you have' will not remain the sane anyway as if one of you starts dating someone else eventually the friendship will cool down. If you like him Alot and fancy him the it's worth the risk.

minesagin37 · 22/10/2019 04:25

Test him by saying you are thinking of moving because you can't find love 😁

Andysbestadventure · 22/10/2019 05:21

"Even if she weren't, I don't think its a good idea to try and turn friendship into romance." ... Erm, what?

That is exactly how solid relationships are founded.

Shitty relationships are caused by people trying to turn a good shag into a friendship.

IAmPrettyWisdomous · 22/10/2019 05:21

Test him by saying you are thinking of moving because you can't find love

Good lord, do NOT do what @minesagin37 has suggested. Do not play stupid games like this, it's pathetically immature and will make you look silly.

OP, you two appear to have a good friendship and many strong relationships are built on the foundations of a fantastic friendship. I am certain you can be honest with one another. You do not have to confess your undying love, but ask him out on a date. If he finds someone else, your relationship will undoubtedly change and it could then be too late.

Honesty is key here, but just make it clear to him that if he does not reciprocate then you don't want it to impact your friendship. Ensure him that overall your friendship is very important to him and that you do care for him.

Although I do think you are projecting on the grounds of what you have shared, there could be hints that you have been totally oblivious to that indicate that he does in fact like you more than a friend.

I do hope you take a chance on this and it does work out for you, you never know what could happen but without taking a risk you will never know.

LellyMcKelly · 22/10/2019 05:29

Just invite him to something. Text him and ask him if he fancies going to the cinema/out for coffee/for a walk. If he’s mad about you he’ll either say yes or suggest another time if he’s already booked. If not then at least you know he’s definitely not interested,

Allegorical · 22/10/2019 05:31

Tell him you have been rewatching friends recently and noticed that 4 out of the 6“friends” couple up in the end and “does he think that’s a good thing/inevitable?”

minesagin37 · 22/10/2019 05:33

@IAmPrettyWisdomous it was a joke. Hence the smiley face. Hardly a game! Try to relax a bit!

Divebar · 22/10/2019 05:46

I think he sounds into you.... the remembering thing definitely. In your position
I would have to do something... I wouldn’t be able to leave it I don’t think. I would probably just ask him at some opportune moment “ why hasn’t some woman come along and snapped you up?”and see what he says. It’s probably easier if you’ve had a couple of drinks I would say. Be flirtatious- hold his gaze a little bit and give him a compliment ( aftershave??) and then look for signals he’s interested. I think if romance is not on the cards he or you would be able to brush over any flirting and move on without a problem... but at least you would know.

SciFiRules · 22/10/2019 06:11

Yep, alcohol is your friend! He is probably terrified of misreading the situation too, most men have experienced this and usually never make the bold approach. Couple of glasses of wine and a food snog, a strong friendship will survive that if it's not to be.

whymewhyme · 22/10/2019 06:27

Awww i hope so!!! You know you need to ask him, right?

Tonkerbea · 22/10/2019 06:33

Love this! I married my male friend of ten years, and U can vouch that lots of wine was the catalyst WinkBlush

Oysterbabe · 22/10/2019 06:34

Do a little bit of gentle flirting then ask him out for a coffee or a pint. I think you'll be able to tell from his response.

OooErMissus · 22/10/2019 06:37

Ah.

I read through your post, all set to say yes, he definitely sounds like he has romantic feelings for you....

... until I got to the end, and you said you had feelings for him.

I assumed you only liked him as a friend, and were looking at his actions objectively.

You're not.

You fancy him, and so you could well be seeing things that aren't there. Your judgement and perception isn't reliable.

I'm not saying he doesn't have those feelings for you. He very possibly does.

I'm just saying we can't take your observation of it as hard and fast, because you have a real vested interest.

Not sure what to suggest other than the tried and true - getting drunk. Worked a treat for DH and me.

donquixotedelamancha · 22/10/2019 06:41

It could be me projecting.

If only humans had some way to communicate with each other, you could find out.

Seriously OP, ask him out. Make clear it's a date. Otherwise you'll be back on in a few months lamenting that he's got a girlfriend and you should have told him.

RandomWok · 22/10/2019 06:42

Another vote for getting drunk. All the best OP.

I was totally oblivious that my now husband had a thing for me. We got drunk at a party and had been chatting for hours. He took my hand then went in for a snog. I got the picture! Grin

nrpmum · 22/10/2019 06:44

Omg tell him!

I told my friend of 23 years that I had loved him all that time (it is true) and two years down the line we are married, and our relationship is so easy!

Don't waste time, believe me when I say life is precious

LaIr7 · 22/10/2019 06:46

Ooh I hope so, this is lovely Smile go for it and get tipsy with him!

Irisloulou · 22/10/2019 06:50

I’d ask the third friend to enquire.
Failing that, yes drink too much. Better to have tried, than watch him hook up with someone else ( because she will know and get rid of you anyway)

Vanhi · 22/10/2019 06:51

I don't think its a good idea to try and turn friendship into romance.

Worked for me. We just started dating, after both of us had told a mutual friend we fancied the other one. Mutual friend did do a certain amount of matchmaking. Tell someone, see what happens. We nearly missed out because I kept quiet for too long and he started dating someone else. Fortunately for me that didn't work out which gave me the impetus to get on with it, or miss out again.

5zeds · 22/10/2019 06:51

Either ask him (and he’s your friend so why wouldn’t you) or prepare to watch him fall in love with someone else. Your choice.

Lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 22/10/2019 06:52

Yes I think relationship history is relevant here.
Do your conversations as friends not ever turn to on line dating or whether you or he would like to meet someone? (Though I know that could also easily result in both of you saying that you aren't fussed about meet anyone in an attempt to be 'breezy' ) ..

I think a few glasses of wine (not bottles) is a good idea in a nice setting is a good idea if that's feasible. Is it a likely scenario? Just let normal chat flow and try and text the water a little if it feels right?

Lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 22/10/2019 06:53

Don't text the water. That won't get you anywhere Hmm- test it.