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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my male friend is in love with me?

243 replies

ExplodingHeart · 21/10/2019 23:58

I don’t know why I think it. I suppose it’s a gut instinct. I’m very willing be told that I’m being unreasonable but I have this overwhelming feeling that my male friend loves me. Can I possibly know if he’s never said?

If I had to give some rational examples or evidence then I could try...
(For context he’s a very blokey bloke)

  • he remembers all the little and big things that are important to me. He remembers dates that I have told him I have an important meeting or presentation coming up. I might not have mentioned it for 3 weeks but then the day before he sends his good luck.
  • I’ve seen him look at me very differently to normal when he hasn’t had a chance to turn away. For example, one time I was walking ahead of him and had no idea he was there a few feet behind me. We were in a busy place. But I sensed he was there so I quickly turned around and smiled at him, taking him completely by surprise. He looked so vulnerable. He had all this tenderness and emotion in his eyes. A similar thing happened when I was meeting him somewhere and I approached him from afar. He was looking out the window for me. Again all tender and earnest. The second he saw me he turned away and went back to his normal self, full of bravado. A third time we suddenly bumped into each other fairly unexpectedly and he had that look again.
  • another time I was somewhere where he definitely wasn’t expecting to see me. He came into the room (I had my back to him) and his feet shuffled on the floor in a startled way when he saw me. He composed himself in a flash and we carried on as normal.

I just have this overwhelming feeling of love coming from him. Am I projecting or could it be true?

We are very close. I think he’s wonderful.

OP posts:
Vanhi · 23/10/2019 13:33

My DP did a double take when I walked in a room and he wasn't expecting me. He was going out with someone else at the time and said he was in love with her. People are weird.

Branster · 23/10/2019 13:37

Here’s the plan: tell him (don’t ask) that you two are going for a coffee after work / lunch break because you thought about him and want to spend time with him. Just go, be yourself and see how it goes. You don’t need to flirt as such but you need to take charge so you know one way or another.

stayathomegardener · 23/10/2019 13:47

I'd ask to meet up for drinks and then tell him you are developing feelings for him and that concerns you with your friendship.

If he doesn't reciprocate you can be breezy and say I'm going to have to join a dating site as I would like to meet someone as special as you.

Cool the friendship down for a few months if you need to or don't and just tell him the dating is going well so no worries.

He may have had time to absorb the information during that time.

Gives you two chances.

CoraPirbright · 23/10/2019 14:16

Have a party at yours (on a date you know he can make) and offer him a bed for the night as he lives a way off. Then make like a hostessing goddess, look fabulous and when your other guests have gone, you are left with him, a bottle, a sofa and some serious flirting. See what happens! If he makes his excuses and goes to bed then you know where you are.....

Apolloanddaphne · 23/10/2019 14:22

Do you have shared interests? Maybe a band or show you would both like to see which would involve a trip to another place and a stay over in a hotel? Plenty of opportunity for a few drinks and time to get a bit closer when you are both on neutral turf?

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/10/2019 14:37

You could do what my male best friend did and wait until I was leaving the country to live. Has the benefit of having zero consequences good or bad.

I think you need to find something you both want to do in his town. Start Googling events.

BeatriceTheBeast · 23/10/2019 14:43

Aaaaw what a lovely thread!!! I think it sounds like a very real possibility that he has feelings for you. I really hope it goes well for you.

Fwiw, all my relationships, including the one with my current DH, have started as friendships.

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 23/10/2019 14:45

Just ask him out.
A simple do you fancy going on a date with me?
At least them you will know if your interest is returned and if not you can move on.

BlastEndedSkrewt · 23/10/2019 14:48

you regret what you don't do more than you regret what you do do in my experience

Livingoncake · 23/10/2019 14:49

Life’s too bloody short for “I don’t want to spoil the friendship”.

Agree with all who have recommended the get-pissed-and-snog-him route. I really hope this works out for you, OP!

trendingsomewhere · 23/10/2019 16:55

I am still in love with the perfect man I was friends with over twenty years ago...never found anyone to match him ... definitely be braver than me, as lots of pp pointed out ... when your friend gets a longer term girlfriend your relationship will probably change anyway, nothing's guaranteed....go for it!

firesong · 23/10/2019 17:39

He does sound interested... any reason he wouldn't make a move? Has he seen your usual "type" and knows he's different? Have you said you don't want a relationship?

I'd go for the flirty drinking thing (if you drink!). I'm together now with a friend of many years, and so far, brilliant. It's been about six months and I don't know how I missed it before.

familyissue · 23/10/2019 17:47

I would tell a white lie and say that you were either in his town for work reasons or you were meeting a friend for lunch and wondered if he fancied a local drink afterwards?

Confused866 · 23/10/2019 20:03

Agree with pp’s, you have to do something to find out if he feels the same (sounds like he probably does). Alcohol would definitely help so I agree with the suggestion of an excuse to be in his town and invite him for a drink. I once really fancied a friend at work but didn’t think he felt the same and we were never alone together anyway and weren’t good enough friends to see each other on a weekend etc. Anyway one night a few of us from work went out for drinks and we chatted lots, and then luckily everyone else went home and it was just us two left. A few drinks later we kissed and it was bloody amazing. Fireworks etc. Best kiss ever. So glad I went on that night out! Make it happen OP... like others have said your friendship will change eventually anyway so it’s worth the risk. Don’t look back in 10 years thinking what if....

Monty27 · 24/10/2019 02:09

Next time you have a convenient about romance ask him what he's looking for and what's his ideal future Wink

Monty27 · 24/10/2019 02:10

Conversation **

Sparklypurpleunicornsaremyfav · 24/10/2019 09:16

Ask him round for a takeaway and a few drinks, say he can stay so he can have a few drinks. Invite other friends over for food as well if you would feel more comfortable but then it would just be the two of you left at the end of the night and take it from there.
I really hope this works out for you!

Mirrors123 · 25/10/2019 15:16

Any update OP?

Original poster
ExplodingHeart · 26/10/2019 00:08

No real update I’m afraid. A bit of flirting by text but I haven’t managed to sort anything out yet.

I’m feeling a bit stressed about it all. I’m scared because I realise that I have really quite strong feelings for him and I’m terrified that we might not be together.

OP posts:
IAmTerrible · 26/10/2019 01:04

Go out together & get v.drunk. We've been together 25+ years now. It might not work but it might be the best thing you ever did.

MyOtherProfile · 26/10/2019 06:48

Please just arrange to meet up and take it from there. At worst you could have a nice evening out with a friend. At best... Who knows!

JustaScratch · 26/10/2019 06:53

Agree with PPs - arrange to get drunk together. It worked for me and my DH! We got pissed and I told him I had a crush on him. I did not go in with the full 'I love you' straight away, even though I knew I did. Together 11 years now and married for seven. If it doesn't work you have the 'OMG, sorry, I was so pissed' excuse. Good luck!

Yabadee · 26/10/2019 07:21

OP have a look in classics, there’s a thread called ‘ I slept with my best friend last night’

Happens more than you would think! Happened to me too, we’ve now been together nearly 9 years, are engaged and have a DD4.

Go for it girl

Cakemadeoffruit · 26/10/2019 07:58

Arrange to go out as you normally do.
As you walk side by side chatting, don't look at him just take this hand and hold it and give it a little squeeze and leave it there.
Continue chatting and not looking at him.
If he pulls away, carry on chatting like nothing happened.
If he squeezes back and leaves his hand in yours, then turn to him and smile. Cue, leaning your head in for kissing.

Good luck. squeeee

CliffsofMoherVisitor · 26/10/2019 09:08

Just do it. I know it's scary as I've been through it. In fact I'd quite decided to be single for life at the time. He's cuddling me at this very moment on this quiet Saturday morning, 6 years on we live together. Take a deep breath and tell him you'd like a date. If he doesn't wasn't to, no harm no foul.

I agree this "ruining friendship" stuff is rubbish. What's a life partner if it isn't a best friend you fancy?