To ask FIL to stop calling DD his pretty princess?

[Howdidido]

It grates me. DD4 is FILs first grand-daughter. They had 5 some and only grandsons so far.
DD doesn't particularly like being called a princess (except when dressed as a princess) and we're trying to get her to value her kindness and mind more than looks. The problem is she is adorable. (Biased obvs!) Waiters call her a princess and she replies that she's not.
But FIL is always on about how pretty his princess is. It really gets on my nerves
Otherwise lovely grandparents. They do have a tendency to overbuy pint very fluffy/sparkly clothes for her. Lots of princess/unicorn/sparkle stuff.
I know, they've only got 1 GD but can't they big up how clever she is, or strong, or everything else, like they do with all their grandsons?

Any suggestions of what I can say without offending gratefully received!

YANBU

Nothing wrong with the nickname princess or complimenting a child's looks per se. But focusing solely on looks, etc in direct contrast with how boys in the family are treated...there is a lot wrong with that.

I was exposed to this stereotyping as a child from family members and was told it was just their love and affection for me. It didn't matter, apparently, as it wasn't everyone in my life, and so on. I grew to hate and resent it and it really, really annoyed me. In me, it triggered a determination to rebel against it but I still had lingering self-doubt. Another girl in the family grew up convinced her (very good, unlike mine) looks were all she had going for her.

I was fascinated, as an adult, when I was able to read research into this and learnt how damaging it is.

Gender stereotyping is awful. Being pretty is not awful. Liking pink is not awful. Princesses, of the imaginary type aren't awful. Being treated as though your looks are what matter while boys are valued for their character traits is awful. Telling boys that boys and men don't cry is awful. It's a drip, drip, of awful gender stereotyping. This stuff matters.

So it's not just about him being affectionate. I know he adores her. But it's about making all the focus on that
I tell her she's beautiful. I don't have any problem with saying that. I just don't make it a big deal- apart from anything else it isn't something she controls!
But I tell her even more often that she is brave. And works hard. And is clever. And funny. And amazing. It's the singular focus that grates me.
I can see loads of people think I'm being unreasonable and would be hurt if they were FIL so I won't say anything to him but might draw attention to all her other qualities when he says it next time . He is quite touchy so i wouldn't know where to start speaking directly to him.
I wouldn't want to hurt him as as in laws they're generally great

You do not sound unreasonable at all imo. I'm honestly surprised by some of these responses....

It’s also interesting how many posters have focussed on the word ‘princess’, missing the fact that your FIL actually calls her ‘pretty princess’. And your objection is more to ‘pretty’ than to ‘princess’.

so it's not ok to tell someone they are pretty now?
Jesus Christ, no wonder there are so many posters with deep issues if they had to deal with that kind of bullshit as a child.

So many pps are missing the point. It's fine to call a little girl a pretty princess, as long as that isn't made the only defining quality. However I prefer to stick to 'you're amazing!' comments and complement my children and my nieces and nephews about their achievements, not the arrangement of facial and physical features that they were born with

Guidance please on praising a cute baby - their achievements, defining qualities and personality

Fgs, there are much worse things that can happen than this! Being called a princess is not going to do any lasting damage. GP's & their gc's have a special bond, let them enjoy it. If that is all you have to complain about your fil then you are doing very well. Be grateful you have good inlaws who love their gc.
My now grown up daughter was the only gd of my fil. Being called pretty princess etc hasn't done her any harm, nor turned her into a shallow, pouty girl obsessed with her looks. She would give anything to hear her late gp's call her this again! It's just a harmless term of affection from the older generation who don't always get today's (sometimes ott) pc values.

Grandad is being affectionate, if you criticise he may feel uncomfortable and not be as affectionate in case he gets it wrong. Leave them be.

Teach your dd pretty isnt important at other times.

Good advice!

I would like to add that I also think it's important to praise other qualities & not just focus on looks!

YANBU. This 'pretty princess' stuff is insidious and I don't doubt that the root of some of the burgeoning gender anguish among the young will be found to stem from the polarisation of gender norms and the gulf between what girls and boys are supposed to wear, play with and think.

Princess is particularly pernicious because it encourages a child to assume she was born superior to others and need only beam approvingly on her subjects to be entitled to the best of everything and regard family members as servants. Imagine what that will look and behave like at 15! It's really bad for them to get this dripped into their ears every day.

To counter it, how about lots of stories about alternative princesses who rescue themselves and others or slay a dragon or two?

If she doesn't like it from FiL, encourage her to ask, "Have you forgotten my name, Grandpa?"

Ordinary pet names like pumpkin, possum, flower, sunshine etc just don't carry the same cultural baggage.

My daughter was constantly told how clever and good and acomplished she was. She's now an anxious perfectionist adult who can't cope with failure.

I wish we'd called her a pretty princess, frankly.

I get it. My girl gets this quite a bit. Her answer now is 'yes like Rapunzel who fought off xyz' or 'yes like Merida. She was very brave and did xyz' or 'yes like Anna, she fought hard and saved Elsa'. People get the hint quite quickly that there's more to the princess persona

You see, my reaction to that, sorry, would be an inner eye roll and the immediate thought of precocious brat .

My stepdad calls me golden girl. I'm 35 it's a term of endearment fgs

Many posters seem to have completely missed that the OP’s Dd does not like being called a princess.

I would not have liked it either.

I remember my grandparents bringing us a present from a holiday. My brother got a spy kit with a telescope that looked round corners and I got a fucking frilly process outfit. I was seething.

I hate this background noise of differentiation between the way girls are spoken to and of. The time of voice is different, The endearments, the meaning, and the expectations. Loads of research into it.

But FIL obviously does love her, so it’s tricky.

But how sad if she does grow up thinking her GD only values her looks.

I think that's unlikely if you are bringing her up to think for herself and speak freely. She'll soon let him know/he'll soon see that she's not only pretty but brave, strong, intelligent etc.

Thanks, @EmeraldShamrock. I'd never really thought about it, but now I do, I think I call them all sorts of 'girly' things . I call them beautiful too, but the 7 year old rolls his eyes very hard at that now...

I get it. My girl gets this quite a bit. Her answer now is 'yes like Rapunzel who fought off xyz' or 'yes like Merida. She was very brave and did xyz' or 'yes like Anna, she fought hard and saved Elsa'. People get the hint quite quickly that there's more to the princess persona

Sounds like she was heavily coached.

This really annoys me. My boys (as much as I’m biased) are very handsome. But they very rarely have anyone call them handsome, they get called strong and brave and funny. If I ever had a daughter I’d be making sure they said the same to her

“You see, my reaction to that, sorry, would be an inner eye roll and the immediate thought of precocious brat”

Sexist, nasty or both. Boys routinely go into a flight of imaginative fancy if put in tile as a superhero. If you said to my 4 year old boy ‘wow you look so handsome, just like Spider-Man ‘ he would say “yes and I can....(random heroic feats)”

But god forbid that a girl should do anything but simper gratefully in the face of such a comment.

@BlouseAndSkirt- where does it say that the child does not like her DGF calling her a princess (as opposed to a random waiter)?

The only thing that annoys me about this subject is not that some object to a child being called a pretty princess, that's fine but when people say "actually it doesn't bother me" they're portrayed as not seeing the bigger picture, being oh so behind on women issues and dont want to upset "the man"

More like most people see it for what it is, a GF using a term of endearment for his GC. I trust most parents tell their child every day they are smart, kind brave etc so I see no harm in someone saying the word pretty to a child.

I'm with you OP. I can recommend a great book for your DD (and for your FIL too perhaps!) called Don't Call Me Princess! I bought it for my niece because she was fed up of people saying this to her, insisting she wanted to be someone more interesting than a princess. I found it in a bookshop but can't remember which one so here's a link: wordery.com/dont-call-me-princess-kate-evans-9781780264653

To answer whether she like DGF calling her a princess. She doesn't really react.
She gets confused when people call her a princess generally because she knows that she's not... except when dressed as one.
(Please see other post I've made about finding her a princess dress that isn't made of plastic, going to set alight or exacerbate eczema! See- I'm not anti-princess!)

Although I was never like that as a child so that probably influences my reaction as well

To PP- I was also told I was clever and smart and worked hard (and was beautiful). It probably did make me over-confident that I could do anything.

Thanks for the book recommendation DavesNotHere ill take a look!

I agree OP

People saying it's just a phrase...how do you know that these phrases dont all add up and contribute to different way woman and men feel they have to act in society eg girls under represented in STEM, having more plastic surgery, etc etc etc. I guess it depends how much you see them. As an occasional message I wouldn't be bothered, every day then I think I would have to say something, but sensitively because I think people are only just starting to realise the potential effects of focusing on girls looks and boys characteristics

Ah yes, shiny plastic princess dresses

You can get some in cotton.

I plugged cotton princess dresses in amazon and this was one of the hits

www.amazon.co.uk/Vicloon-Princess-Snowflake-Christening-Bridesmaid/dp/B01FFFXJQ6/ref=sr_1_7?dchild=1&smid=A2I46PN9E4LTV4&psc=1&keywords=Princess+dresses+in+cotton&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1571687563&sr=8-7