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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask FIL to stop calling DD his pretty princess?

363 replies

Howdidido · 21/10/2019 17:26

It grates me. DD4 is FILs first grand-daughter. They had 5 some and only grandsons so far.
DD doesn't particularly like being called a princess (except when dressed as a princess) and we're trying to get her to value her kindness and mind more than looks. The problem is she is adorable. (Biased obvs!) Waiters call her a princess and she replies that she's not.
But FIL is always on about how pretty his princess is. It really gets on my nerves
Otherwise lovely grandparents. They do have a tendency to overbuy pint very fluffy/sparkly clothes for her. Lots of princess/unicorn/sparkle stuff.
I know, they've only got 1 GD but can't they big up how clever she is, or strong, or everything else, like they do with all their grandsons?

Any suggestions of what I can say without offending gratefully received!

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 21/10/2019 19:54

You do know you can be pretty and intelligent, strong and kind, OP? For God’s sake let her grandad choose his own terms of endearment. As pp have said, she’ll remember in adulthood that she was his princess and it will make her smile.

Pardonwhat · 21/10/2019 19:55

Conversely, if he referred to her as “my clever poppet” (for example) would be be accused of only loving her for her brains? Would he not love her if she wasn’t academic!?!?
I don’t think he’d be able to win no matter what he said.

chugmonkey · 21/10/2019 19:57

I get why you dislike it but it will be more than enough for her to receive your values as she grows.
I always praise my girl for being bright and funny and most of all kind.
It's not a problem for her uncles / aunts to say she is pretty as it is balanced out by my more frequent commentary.
Chill. My daughter is 11 now and knows her worth is not about looks.

EmeraldShamrock · 21/10/2019 19:59

I know this wont sit well either but i dont think there is anything wrong with her boys and girls being treated differently.we ARE DIFFERENT
👏 I agree.
People wonder why girls want to be boys and voice vera in this generation.
Jez a few years ago there was a new thread weekly on some DS and his right to wear his Elsa dress, or PP's complaining on a boys/girls sections in clothing and toy store.
Lots wanted gender neutral. Now we cant mention girly things to girls and vice versa.
Is it any wonder we have a generation confused by their sex.

MustardScreams · 21/10/2019 20:01

It’s not about girls and boys being different, it’s about women and girls being primarily judged for their looks, weight and hair instead of their merits.

EmeraldShamrock · 21/10/2019 20:01

Vice not voice. Halloween Blush

Bringonspring · 21/10/2019 20:03

A grandfather calls his first granddaughter a princess. I actually think you should treasure this. Won’t be around forever.

Crikey I wish my children had a grandfather that cared

ifonly4 · 21/10/2019 20:03

It sounds like a term of endearment and he loves his first granddaughter dearly, better that way than not being interested in her or banging on constantly about is wonderful grandsons. Personally, I'd try and pick my battles and this isn't it. Does it really bother her or is she picking up what you're thinking.

latulipe · 21/10/2019 20:04

Ffs.

EmeraldShamrock · 21/10/2019 20:05

It’s not about girls and boys being different, it’s about women and girls being primarily judged for their looks, weight and hair instead of their merits
It is other women and girl's who are the primary judges.
All the ear blocking in the world won't prevent this between females.

Alsohuman · 21/10/2019 20:05

It’s not about girls and boys being different, it’s about women and girls being primarily judged for their looks, weight and hair instead of their merits

Patently not the case. Beauty never got anyone into Oxbridge.

VashtaNerada · 21/10/2019 20:06

YANBU! It would really grate on me if grandparents called DD “princess”. Luckily they never did! I think all you can do is really emphasise the things she does like so they stop buying her shit she’s not interested in (“DD loves x, can you look out for anything related to that?”). They can still spoil her but in a way that actually recognises her own interests.

Maryclary0 · 21/10/2019 20:09

Handsome chap/pretty princes.
I couldn’t be bothered to give it a second thought.
I graciously accept any Compliment about my sons whether it is about their looks or otherwise.

MonChatEstMagnifique · 21/10/2019 20:11

If your daughter is truly upset by it then say something on her behalf, if not I'd just leave it. Most 5 year old girls I know wouldn't be bothered about being called a princess though. My daughter has never been particularly 'girly' but didn't mind family calling her princess. I think we have to be careful that we don't put our own issues with things onto our children. It sounds like you will be complimenting her on other things so I really don't think grandad calling her princess is going to harm her self worth.

Original poster
Howdidido · 21/10/2019 20:11

Some people said theres nothing else to compliment a 4yr old on. Which is bullshit. he is clever. She loves reading.
He doesn't comment on her being clever. It's always about how pretty she is. Maybe the "princess" issue has confused things as yes some princesses are clever and brave - it's just not what he means at all. He's never seen Brave or Tangled!
And there are plenty of other terms of endearment that aren't looks based. Like the ones he uses for his grandsons of the same age.

So it's not just about him being affectionate. I know he adores her. But it's about making all the focus on that
I tell her she's beautiful. I don't have any problem with saying that. I just don't make it a big deal- apart from anything else it isn't something she controls!
But I tell her even more often that she is brave. And works hard. And is clever. And funny. And amazing. It's the singular focus that grates me.
I can see loads of people think I'm being unreasonable and would be hurt if they were FIL so I won't say anything to him but might draw attention to all her other qualities when he says it next time . He is quite touchy so i wouldn't know where to start speaking directly to him.
I wouldn't want to hurt him as as in laws they're generally great
But if my dad did it I would say something because I wouldn't want DD to think he just valued her for her looks.

OP posts:
LadyMonicaBaddingham · 21/10/2019 20:11

My DH still calls my 15 year old DS, who is taller THAN me, 'pumpkin'...

My FIL calls both hulking brute DSs 'flower' It's just a term of endearment, not a statement on their character or worth as a person

Jem57 · 21/10/2019 20:12

No words really,you need to listen to youself

MustardScreams · 21/10/2019 20:13

@EmeraldShamrock no it isn’t! That’s such a ridiculous statement to make it’s actually laughable. Of course people judge each other, that human nature. My point is we should never be bringing up children to believe that their only worth is through their beauty, or how big and strong and brave they are.

And like it or not, being called a pretty princess by someone you love and respect does build that connotation. Especially from a young age.

And yes of course you can be beautiful and clever and kind and wonderful. But I don’t want my child growing up thinking beauty and looks and the way she dresses comes before that.

You just have to look at the ‘man up’ term and how utterly hideous it is for men to live thinking they cannot express emotion, they have to be brave and stoic and strong all the time. This will often stem from a young age of being told the stereotypical stuff. You don’t just suddenly turn 30 and decide not to show emotion. Every week in the UK, 2 men commit suicide. Isn’t that enough to not want to use the godawful stereotypes ever again?

Original poster
Howdidido · 21/10/2019 20:15

My dad calls me pickle. Still does. I think people are getting hung up on pet names.
I don't have a problem with a petname. Just with the singular focus on value for being pretty. It's never princess. Its always pretty princess. It's never presents like activities for her to do, but sparkly bows and frills.

OP posts:
Buddytheelf85 · 21/10/2019 20:17

I get it OP, I wouldn’t like it. I know you’ve had a lot of replies from the ‘I’m the salt of the earth me and the whole world’s gone mad except for me and I tell it like it is’ types on here, but I think it’s undesirable for little girls to receive solely appearance-based compliments.

Original poster
Howdidido · 21/10/2019 20:17

vashtaNerada yes i think i will do that for their next visit.

Sorry I haven't replied to all the posts with advice I can use but there has been a lot.

OP posts:
Bellringer · 21/10/2019 20:18

Don't you think your child will be more influenced by you than him? Let it go, she can tell,him herself

Buddytheelf85 · 21/10/2019 20:19

It’s also interesting how many posters have focussed on the word ‘princess’, missing the fact that your FIL actually calls her ‘pretty princess’. And your objection is more to ‘pretty’ than to ‘princess’.

Original poster
Howdidido · 21/10/2019 20:20

I agree she will listen to DH and me more. But how sad if she does grow up thinking her GD only values her looks.

I'll let it go (now getting Frozen 2 ads everywhere...)

OP posts:
NoSauce · 21/10/2019 20:20

Yes, yes tell him to stop it. He must only ever say “ hello my “relatively good reader Granddaughter “ Hmm