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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give them my baby stuff?

487 replies

TheCheekOfSomePeople · 21/10/2019 15:02

Bil and his fiancé are expecting a baby (12 weeks pregnant I think) and dh has just told me that mil has just asked dh when can fil collect our baby furniture, clothes, toys and books with his van. I think they are even expecting to collect the pram which my parents bought and we are still using (my dc is 22 months old).
Me and dh are also thinking about trying for another baby in the near future.
AIBU to think they are being cheeky?
AIBU to want to keep the stuff because my dc is still using the pram, toys and books and it might be difficult to get it back if we have another baby. And it might not be in as good condition as we gave it.
Dh didn't mention that we were thinking of trying for another baby

OP posts:
sophiestew · 22/10/2019 18:29

Mil does have a key to the house that she sneakily stole when we moved in.

Why didn't you challenge this theft when it occurred? Why haven't you changed the locks?

Clearly you will have to do this now or you will come home one day this week and all your baby stuff will be gone....

Your DH sounds utterly spineless. You need him to be more wary of upsetting you than of upsetting his mummy. She needs boundaries.

Zoejj77 · 22/10/2019 18:30

Wow I find any assumption that whatever you’ve bought for your own kids is to automatically be given to a family member is rude

M2B19 · 22/10/2019 18:37

I have a friend who I think will expect the same of my DCs clothes. I would never dream of asking for anything. Surely rule of thumb is to wait to be asked. Your MIL sounds like a right cheeky cow. I’d have no trouble texting her back with exactly how I felt tbh.

thefattestchip · 22/10/2019 18:47

Change the locks. Cheeky mare.

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 22/10/2019 18:50

My chum made a beautiful patchwork quilt out of her favourite baby outfits, for her child’s first bed. She also did a small photo album of her daughter in the outfits, so she could connect the clothes to special occasions, such as coming out of hospital, christening, birthday parties, etc. Her mil was disgusted, as she expected her to give them to her sil. 🤷‍♀️

FelicisNox · 22/10/2019 18:50

Ffs. What is it with these spineless men and these god awful MIL???

OP: enough already. Just change your locks and ring your SIL/BIL and say "I've been contacted by PIL regarding giving you our baby items but unfortunately we're not finished with the majority of it and we're thinking of trying for another baby. I hope you're not too disappointed and will allow me to buy you a gift for the baby when you're ready for it?".

The chances are they don't even know what your MIL has done and will be mortified. Even if they do know, what can they say?

If your MIL contacts you just tell her that she needs to start communicating appropriately in future or risk alienating herself.

Cherrysoup · 22/10/2019 18:51

Your mil doesn’t seem to care about you at all, is she aways such a major bitch?

Just message sil/bil direct about keeping your own stuff!

bakesalesally · 22/10/2019 18:55

'Yes, it is you. We are not ready to pass our things on yet, and we shouldn't have to justify this.

We will not be engaging with you further on this subject.'

fedup21 · 22/10/2019 18:56

I don’t understand what’s wrong with your DH-why did he not say no?

no way I will get the key from her
Think bil's fiancé will want the stuff as alot of the furniture in her house is second hand family stuff. And awful to say but she is very tight

So what?

None of this is your problem. Just say ‘no, it’s our stuff. End of discussion’

Ibizababyy · 22/10/2019 19:07

They are super cheeky for assuming!! Also even if they hadn’t assumed and you’d considered lending stuff out yourself my advice from butter experience is don’t!! I stupidly lent stuff to SIL when she had her first on the understanding we would get it back as we wanted to use again when we decided to have number 2. She kept it knowing she wanted number 2 with a very small age gap and so once we did get some of it back (a lot also has disappeared) it was fit only for the bin! We are having number 2 soon ourself and I’m really irritated by the amount of stuff we will have to buy because I literally kept everything although thankfully didn’t lend everything out!

SugarPlumLairy2 · 22/10/2019 19:08

Don’t bother asking for key back, if you give her notice she’ll make a copy and if you don’t she’ll have an almighty shitfest @nd you still won’t get key.
Just change locks ASAP.
If you have anything you are willing to give then do that but otherwise... no. You are not obliged to give them anything.

pavlovarules · 22/10/2019 19:09

Oh this makes me think of my SIL who seemed to expect me to hand over everything baby related - my DD is a year older than hers. I did lend some bits but kept clothes as we were wanting a second DC. As it turned out, DS arrived at a similar time a close friend had a DD and her first child was a boy so we arranged a clothes swap as I had girl clothes and she had boy clothes. SIL dropped endless heavy hints about me giving her all of my DD's clothes despite knowing of my clothes swap arrangement. Of the few bits I did pass on to her, I've since seen most of them turn up on FB selling sites Hmm
She also broke something I had lent her, I didn't get an apology that something of mine was broken, she merely asked if it was still under warranty as it was very inconvenient it had broken and then sat around looking very miffed when I told her it wasn't, almost as if it was my fault and should replace it!

Mouikey · 22/10/2019 19:12

Well your MiL has laid out what she thinks of you!

I get why people say ‘you have an OH problem’, but (and I assumebyou are over 18), you are an adult and can have a grown up conversation with her too. Why not text her to say ‘hello Mil, OH has said that BiL would love to use our baby equipment... we are not finished with it yet and plan to use when number 2 comes along. There are some fantastic fb baby selling sites locally and don’t forget the NCT sales - both are great for a bargain! Can’t wait to meet xxx new cousin!’

Don’t feel pressurised or guilt tripped. I’d have almost forgiven her if she had bought all your child’s bits, but she hadn’t so has no stake in them (and hasn’t even if she did!).

timeisnotaline · 22/10/2019 19:13

Well, dh can tell bil / sil that thecheek doesn’t even want to talk about it, she’s still so upset mil thought all your baby things would be going as you’re so far over the hill. Nope, not a word. Don’t even mention it.

Honeyroar · 22/10/2019 19:16

Definitely get the locks changed ASAP and personally I'd text her and say I'd seen her texts suggesting I was selfish and may be too old to have another baby and that you are very hurt and angry. Say she owes you a bloody apology if she expects to be on speaking terms in the future. And tell her you and your DH will decide when and to whom you will give any of your possessions to in the future so she should not offer it to people without asking or she will make herself look stupid. Then I'd ignore any other communications from her until she's apologised.

CountryGirl1234 · 22/10/2019 19:22

😂 ummm I would be saying I’m afraid we’re holding onto our bits. Not only are they deeply personal and not up for grabs but we may try again.

NooNoo1979 · 22/10/2019 19:27

Is this for real Shock Unbelievably cheeky and if I posted what else I wanted to say I’d probably get banned from Mumsnet ... YANBU!!! X

Ninabean17 · 22/10/2019 19:32

Change the locks, op. Before you come home and find her packing up your stuff. Cheeky fucker indeed!

Soon2BeMumof3 · 22/10/2019 19:35

Did DH message back 'how dare you call my wife selfish? How dare you presume to tell us how to plan our family? How dare you make nasty comments about my wife's age? This is unacceptable nasty behaviour, mum and I won't have it.'

Change your keys. Tell this woman to mind her own business or risk a big family falling out. Don't give BIL a stitch of your property out of principle.

These people have no sense of boundaries. MIL decides what happens to your property? MIL thinks she gets a say in how many children you can cope with? MIL steals a key and everyone is too awkward to tell her off? MIL calls you selfish when she doesn't get her way?

You should read Toxic In Laws by Susan forward. This family is too enmeshed in each other's lives and you need to reset the status quo

Cocoschaos · 22/10/2019 19:37

Pop round to see MIL and tell her you haven't finished with your baby stuff so you will.not be giving it away, and ask for the key back as she doesn't need it. If she pretends that she can't find it, or outright refuses to give it back, then call a locksmith the same day to change all the locks asap, and don't tell her that you've done it.

MNersAreBatshit · 22/10/2019 19:44

Are you sure you want to have another child with a man who:
a) Is too much of a wimp to call his own mother to tell her no
b) Doesn't call out his mother when she is a bitch about you.

AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 22/10/2019 19:55

Get those locks changed as soon as is humanly possible. It wouldn't surprise me if they came and helped themselves while you were out.

Mrsgogginsthe3rd · 22/10/2019 19:59

Text to MIL.

DH mentioned FIL possibly picking up some baby things for BIL & SIL. I think we're going to hang on to the cot and x,y,z as we're thinking of trying for another baby ourselves - exciting!

DH mentioned the pram also, but I don't think you were expecting that were you as DC is still using it and will be for some time yet - insert laughing emoji. I have put a couple of bags together of various bits and pieces though, I'll leave them out for next time we see you.

Then just fill a couple of bags with stuff you might want to get rid off. I've just had a big clear out at 16 months and there was probably a couple of Ikea bags worth of stuff I'd have been happy to pass on and weren't worth keeping or selling.

And yes cheeky AF!

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 22/10/2019 20:02

Now is the time to stand up to this cheeky cow!
I'm always amazed at the cheeky fuckery of people but just as amazed at how people put up with it! Here's how to change a lock and while you're at it have a word with the DH!

stayathomegardener · 22/10/2019 20:10

First change the locks.

I would then give her the cot back as she did buy that. Just buy another one if you have a second, her gift is quite frankly tainted now anyway.