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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give them my baby stuff?

487 replies

TheCheekOfSomePeople · 21/10/2019 15:02

Bil and his fiancé are expecting a baby (12 weeks pregnant I think) and dh has just told me that mil has just asked dh when can fil collect our baby furniture, clothes, toys and books with his van. I think they are even expecting to collect the pram which my parents bought and we are still using (my dc is 22 months old).
Me and dh are also thinking about trying for another baby in the near future.
AIBU to think they are being cheeky?
AIBU to want to keep the stuff because my dc is still using the pram, toys and books and it might be difficult to get it back if we have another baby. And it might not be in as good condition as we gave it.
Dh didn't mention that we were thinking of trying for another baby

OP posts:
museumsandgalleries666 · 22/10/2019 20:14

if PIL gave you any baby stuff , parcel that up and give it back to them. Keep everything else, if they query where's the rest, tell them it's promised back to the original givers

Newbie1981 · 22/10/2019 20:16

Christ! What idiots! Although I have to say, I loved getting rid of anything that was cluttering my house to friends and family and I got back for baby no 2. Gave away again and they will be giving me it back if we have another. Be careful what you wish for. It's like a storage system if you do it right haha

Beautiful3 · 22/10/2019 20:21

Well done for telling her op. I would change the locks and not give her spare though, just in case.

Gillian1980 · 22/10/2019 20:23

Yanbu!
You’re still using the stuff and may need it again. Good grief.

Localocal · 22/10/2019 20:33

"Sorry, we are hoping to be pregnant ourselves again soon, and will need DCs stuff for their little sibling. Happy to advise about what has worked well for us, though!". Your SIL will want to pick her own stuff anyway.

strongteawith2sugars · 22/10/2019 20:52

Bloody hell! CF indeed! Definitely change the locks. MIL will be round stealing stuff soon

Dinomom52 · 22/10/2019 21:43

Stand firm op. We lent all our stuff to a family member & then got pregnant very quickly with our second. I was devastated not to get our moses basket back. I have no idea what they did with it as it was in excellent condition when we gave it to them. We didn’t have money to spare at that point and had to borrow one from a friend 😖

wibdib · 22/10/2019 21:49

I would be changing the lock barrel without telling them but also setting up a security camera to record while you are out of the house...

Then when you discover footage of fil breaking in and stealing all your baby things you (not dh!) can ring them up and say that you were so scared, got home and discovered that you had been burgled and that you were just about to call the police but remembered you had your security camera recording so checked it and were horrified to see that it was fil taking all your possessions, despite knowing that you were still using them. So please will he return everything immediately and it won’t ever be mentioned again. Otherwise you’ll carry on with that call to the police...

Actually get dh to explicitly make sure he sends a text to fil too, to ‘make sure that mil passes the message on’ that as you are still using the items they are not available for sil to use so he should not pick them up.

Or it might have to be you that texts him ‘to make sure that dh and mil have passed the message on’ just to make sure that he has no excuse for saying he didn’t know he shouldn’t —steal— take your stuff...

PepsiMaxCherry · 22/10/2019 21:57

@thecheekofsomepeople

Hi OP, just read all your replies and some of other ppls.

I really hate what your OH has done...

By saying "il ask" he has now given the impression that he has no problem with giving away your DCs things but now that hes "asked" you all of a sudden its a no and now this is all your fault and you're the one with the problem not him

Why on earth did he say he will ask you when he knows full well that you both (him more than you) want another baby?

LovePoppy · 22/10/2019 22:16

God your MIL is a bitch

Soon2BeMumof3 · 22/10/2019 22:53

I can't believe the PPs suggesting polite ways to say no. MIL's text to DH has absolved you of any need to be delicate about her feelings! 🤷‍♀️ be angry back. Tell her she has overstepped and make it clear she needs to stay in her lane from now on.

Send the polite text to SIL who probably doesn't realise what an imposition she's created.

But DH needs to stand up for you both and tell his mum off over this.

Giraffey1 · 23/10/2019 01:26

Frankly, it’s none of you in-laws’ business in the first place. I’m glad you’ve told them no. If they bring it up again, just say we’ve already told you we are not giving away these items so please stop asking.’
And don’t offer direct to your BiL either. If he brings it up, again, just say no. You don’t need to give reasons to either your in laws or BiL. Your stuff, your choice.

justilou1 · 23/10/2019 01:43

OMG, I would be collating all the rattiest shit I could find - even buying some from charity shops especially and wrap it beautifully for BIL/SIL and drop it around to PIL as though it was all designer gear. Entitled CF BIL/SIL might be too offended to ask again.

Celestine70 · 23/10/2019 04:30

This thread has made me 😠. Definitely change the locks. Don't give them a thing. your DH needs to take more responsibility and not let his mother call you selfish.

mizzmelli · 23/10/2019 05:32

Your DH sounds like a big wussy Mummys boy and so called MUMMY sounds like a mental bitch. Keep saying no over and over. As to the lock situation how do you know your DH wont give her a copy of the new key. Hope it all works out well for you. x

CravingCheese · 23/10/2019 06:20
  1. Change the locks. Stealing a key to gain access to someone else's home is unacceptable.
  1. It could be a communication failure but dh said about fil bringing his van.

Err no, that's not a communication failure, that's your FIL saying I'm coming in a van to pick up all your baby equipment and your DH saying NOTHING TO PUT A STOP TO IT.

I 100% agree.

  1. Your DH should either say no or 'Idk, I have to think about it'. He shouldn't say something about needing to asking / tell you. That will make you out to be the one that said no... At least imo.
  1. It might be a case of your MIL and FIL being cheeky fuckers. BIL and SIL may not necessarily be aware of the it...
fedup21 · 23/10/2019 07:32

I really hate what your OH has done.By saying "il ask" he has now given the impression that he has no problem with giving away your DCs things but now that hes "asked" you all of a sudden its a no and now this is all your fault and you're the one with the problem not him

Agreed-your DH really hasn’t got your back here. How unattractive.

endlessstrife · 23/10/2019 08:50

You do not have to justify anything here. It may be prudent to double check exactly what was said, so as not to cause any unnecessary stress/anxiety further down the line, but if it is as it seems, then it’s clearly not right. No one has claim on your belongings, and they certainly don’t have any right to say what you should be doing with them. Unfortunately, this is the very sort of thing that causes rifts for years, I know! People are just so imposing, and quite ridiculous! Good luck with any future babies🤗

LannisterLion1 · 23/10/2019 09:00

Your husband has been very unfair here. He's made you 'the bad guy'in your PIL eyes when he should have firmly said that no.

He now needs to call them, not text as they'll think it from you, tell them they put him on the spot and he should have said no immediately and would have but your ttc plans were private and he didn't want to share yet. Now he is sharing the news, your BILSIL will need to do as you both did and buy their own. Then keep for their subsequents.

And yes change the locks.

diddl · 23/10/2019 09:05

I don't know why Op/her husband should mention wanting another baby.

The stuff that MIL wants isn't hers to make any decisions about.

Op is still using it & when she isn't, she can keep it, throw it away, give it to charity, give it to whom she chooses or sell it!

If Op doesn't have another child, or not for a couple of years, MIL will be moaning that BIL/SIL might as well have had the stuff!

She just needs to be told that it's none of her business what they decide to do with their own baby stuff.

LannisterLion1 · 23/10/2019 09:11

diddl OPs dh has already told MIL that they are trying again soon, so it makes sense now he's said that to give a reason why he didn't say no right off. He was put on the spot by MIL and didn't want to share that news, now he's felt he has too.

It is none of MIL business, but now the dh has told her there's no point denying it. Given how unreasonable the dh has been in putting it all on OP, i can't see him being that assertive just yet.

aurynne · 23/10/2019 09:19

The poroblem is both you and your DH are giving too many explanations.

"No, we are not giving away baby's stuff to anyone".

Repeat as many times as necessary. If they ask why, just repeat again, or say "we just won't".

Easy.

Countryescape · 23/10/2019 09:21

What @honeyroar said. Your MIL
Is an absolute bitch.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/10/2019 09:27

I agree with changing the locks. You have put up a united front even though your dh has been scared to do so. This is perhaps a big step for him. So focus on the positives, not the fact that he didn’t call her out. With this type of personality, it can be best to ignore the name calling anyway. It’s just a hook to right fight and detract from the actual issue and tie you up in knots to prove that you are the unreasonable one, not her/them.

The main thing is that you protect your stuff and shut the conversation down about grabbing your things before your baby has finished with them. Any information that you give her now, she is using against you, such as possibility of ttc etc so the less explaining you do and the more you reiterate the same message of “no, we will not be lending our things“, the better.

diddl · 23/10/2019 09:31

"OPs dh has already told MIL that they are trying again soon,"

I'd forgotten that.

TMI imo!

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