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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give them my baby stuff?

487 replies

TheCheekOfSomePeople · 21/10/2019 15:02

Bil and his fiancé are expecting a baby (12 weeks pregnant I think) and dh has just told me that mil has just asked dh when can fil collect our baby furniture, clothes, toys and books with his van. I think they are even expecting to collect the pram which my parents bought and we are still using (my dc is 22 months old).
Me and dh are also thinking about trying for another baby in the near future.
AIBU to think they are being cheeky?
AIBU to want to keep the stuff because my dc is still using the pram, toys and books and it might be difficult to get it back if we have another baby. And it might not be in as good condition as we gave it.
Dh didn't mention that we were thinking of trying for another baby

OP posts:
FeeFee832 · 23/10/2019 23:45

They are being unreasonable. What the actual fuck.

SAY NO!!!!! CFs!!!!

FeeFee832 · 24/10/2019 00:01

Did you get a reply?!

nedflandereses · 24/10/2019 00:06

Agree with @Aaarrgghhh. I can't believe anyone is actually that wet.

Neveam · 24/10/2019 00:32

😮
Even if you're not going to use it again youre still not obliged to hand it over. What if its sentimental and you just want to keep it?

Honestly, my partners mum needs to double check with me as my partner can be totally oblivious about things like this sometimes!

I think your dp needs to tell them. Before his dad turns up with his van!
Are they mental? 😂

TrixieFranklin · 24/10/2019 00:44

Did you get a reply?

helpagirloutplease · 24/10/2019 00:46

Following to see how this one develops as I'm genuinely shocked someone could be that cheeky

ToodlesnOOdleSAR · 24/10/2019 01:16

Absolutely cannot believe the MIL!!? And your DH!
Im sat here hoping SIL had no idea about any of it....though I suspect MIL had her in the cunning plan all along!

Italiangreyhound · 24/10/2019 01:48

Just say no. We have no stuff to donate at the moment

RebootYourEngine · 24/10/2019 04:00

Wow your MIL is a cheeky cow.

Maybe your SIL hasn't replied because she is as gobsmacked as you and doesn't know what to say. Changing the locks is a good idea.

SarahNade · 24/10/2019 04:29

Yet again, this is a DH problem, not a MIL problem. Your MIL attacked your appearance and your 'D'H didn't defend you? Let me tell you, his things would be packed and on the front verandah so fast his head would spin. It is so frustrating for me reading these threads, because I want to scream. I am the type of straightforward person that will call shit out for what it is, and I read people putting up with being treated badly by their other half. Very rarely does the woman on here ever actually really make any changes to address the issue. Husband not defending me is a major deal breaker. If he can't defend his wife and the mother of his children, then clearly he values his mummy more than me and his child. I would have called him out on that, then and there. He would have had the absolute riot act read. It would never have ever happened again, I can tell you! And as soon as I started reading your post, I guessed that your DH had offered the stuff. You either put in place boundaries now, put your foot down and make sure your DH knows that he either respects the has a family with you that he made a commitment to you (not his mum) - his wife and the mother of his child and DC and he is always on your side and team, or he runs back to mummy and lets you find someone who will put you first. If you don't tell him you need to talk and sit down today, and put it all on the line, then he will continue to disrespect you. If you don't stand up for yourself, he certainly won't, because he won't see that you see it as an issue. Men like that won't change unless they are forced to and read the riot act. He and his mum get away with treating you like they do because you won't stand up and give the ultimatums. Do it now, and ensure next time MIL disrespects you, you call her out in front of your DH and tell him he either sees you as a family unit, or he goes back to mummy. The fact your MIL even has a key is beyond alarming, I'd change the locks tonight, if I were you. Don't wait. Oh, and tell DH to tell his mum you want an apology from her (probably won't get one, but at least you will be demonstrating you feel she has wronged you and you will stand up for yourself).

SarahNade · 24/10/2019 04:30

Ugh, sorry for that wall of text, I should have used paragraphs.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 24/10/2019 04:42

Your DH is a weak man who doesn’t have your back.

If your MIL is a “big” problem in your marriage be aware that’s like saying Japanese knotweed is a big problem when selling a house: it’s not a big problem, it’s terminal and can only be fixed with MASSIVE work.

I bet your BIL and SIL dont actually want the stuff that much and it’s all been orchestrated by MIL.

She needs a hobby.

MyKingdomForBrie · 24/10/2019 04:49

Well BILs fiancée is clearly rude too as any decent person would have replied to say of course that's fine and they wouldn't expect anything that was still in use.

munzero · 24/10/2019 06:33

If it means anything I'd be mortified if I was SIL.

sawyersfishbiscuits · 24/10/2019 06:43

Really hopeful that BIL's Fiancè starts her own post on here and quotes your text.

But really your MIL is a piece of work!

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/10/2019 06:51

From your description of your sil and her home, I would imagine her to be pissed off with you actually. May be wrong of course. Otherwise why the radio silence? Ignore, move on and change the locks as planned is the best route.

Windydaysuponus · 24/10/2019 07:47

Maybe the fiancé assumed text was for someone else as she may have no idea about grabber granny?
She may hand over investigations to bil...

crosspelican · 24/10/2019 08:53

BIL's fiancée is probably sitting there thinking "I didn't bloody furnish my house on a shoestring while saving for this baby so that I could have my fiancé's brother's wife's baby's stained onesies - WTF is this family even LIKE? Angry" and having a chat with your BIL about how his father had better not turn up with a vanload of used baby stuff 6 months before the baby is even due!

It sounds like your MIL has been riding roughshod over the lot of you for years, and this young woman is about to get a taste of the same medicine with these breezy promises of somebody else's belongings. She might want to stay well out of it and have her morning sickness in peace and quiet without her partner's family in the mix, so I wouldn't worry about the non-reply, but you were right to send the message.

Your MIL can't control your lives if you don't actually participate.

crosspelican · 24/10/2019 08:57

Think bil's fiancé will want the stuff as alot of the furniture in her house is second hand family stuff. And awful to say but she is very tight

If they've just bought a big house and are paying for two cars, I'm not surprised she has 2nd hand furniture - we're reasonably well off and have a 2nd hand IKEA sofa! But baby stuff is different - it takes people in different ways!

Nubbled · 24/10/2019 09:21

You do know that when you change your locks, your DH will make a copy of his key and give it to his Mummy?

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 24/10/2019 09:25

You do know that when you change your locks, your DH will make a copy of his key and give it to his Mummy?

I agree, and he’ll probably ask mummy not to mention it to OP, making her the ‘bad guy’, yet again.

Sparklypurpleunicornsaremyfav · 24/10/2019 10:20

Instead of texting you back she's probably gone crying to mother in law, be prepared for the fall out, but we'll done, it was a great text

Windydaysuponus · 24/10/2019 11:01

Tbf to the fiancé, second hand family stuff may have sentimental value. She herself may have not requested anything.. Mil is likely behind the whole scenario...
Innocent until proven guilty and all that!!

Honeyroar · 24/10/2019 11:54

I wouldn't be surprised if your DH gives her a new key at some point either. The only reason he thinks it's OTT to change the locks is because he's too weak to deal with the shit he's going to get when she tries her old key and finds it doesn't work. He'll let you take the blame for that too.

bakesalesally · 24/10/2019 11:56

@TheCheekOfSomePeople I told them that every time there is an absolutely ridiculous statement in front of me, my official response would be to blow a raspberry. That's what I do! It's been a few years now and everyone laughs. It shuts the conversations down though.

And she does try to manipulate my DH by saying that I don't make her feel welcome (so very untrue, she has so many requirements for her visits, I have to prepare a lot!) or when she is making snide comments which are not an open demand or a direct criticism, such as 'I don't know why you won't give the children cordial to drink, I mean, what are they supposed to drink?' or 'DH never ate this many vegetables when he was a child', I respond along the lines of, 'I know, but I just feel that water/vegetables is better for them and I want them to enjoy it. It's nice to keep cordial and juices/chips for a treat, don't you think?' And smile.

She struggles to continue with the criticism when I am killing her with kindness...

And when she does things like you are dealing with, I am not afraid to be the bad guy. It is not DH's fault that she chooses to go through him and she is such a force that he finds it hard to shut her down. He is kind and trying to be respectful, but she is incredibly difficult and loves to play the victim. (For example, when DS1 was born, she planned days out, with just my newborn and her. DH day her down and actually said 'he's EBF, he can't be away from Sally, plus, he's a tiny baby, she doesn't want be apart from him.' She regurgitated it (and continues to do so) as Sally wasn't comfortable with me having the baby. And that is what she told people... he could have gone back in there and corrected her but it would have added fuel to the fire, and quite frankly, we had other things to put our energy into.

I've developed a thick skin over the years...

Also, minimum contact. Not no contact, as that would be construed as rude, but definitely at a minimum.

Plus, she has another DIL, we are close and can rant away to each other. This is a real help!