...to buy radar key online to use disabled loo?

[Marigo]

I’m not disabled and neither are any of my children, however I’m often out with my 3 under 2.5 and in our local shopping centre loos there’s no toilet in the baby change. The ladies is impossible with double buggy plus buddy board and the disabled requires a radar key. Same for the loos in the two big department stores so I just can’t go out into town unless it’s the weekend and my husband can come in case I need a wee! I’m struggling to leave the house for this stress but my mom is disabled and I know how shit it is when she can’t use the large cubicle she needs. I’m really conflicted about what to do.

I have an invisible disability, it means I suddenly need a toilet, with no warning and no ability to 'hold it'. Often I need a sink in with the loo so I can preserve some dignity.

Recently I needed the toilet while I was shopping in a city centre. I rushed into Debenhams knowing they had plenty of loos. Massive queue at the ladies, disabled occupied, no queue. So I wait for the disabled. And wait. And wait. I can hear someone in there talking, the loo flushes, more talking, more waiting, loo flushes again. More talking. I'm getting hot flushes now from the effort of desperately trying to hold it. I'm in serious pain. I'm increasingly worried I'm about to shit myself 30 miles from home in front of 20 strangers

Finally the door opens. It's a woman with two kids.

Now maybe one or all of them was disabled like me. I don't know. But maybe they weren't. They all used that loo while I was waiting outside. And I really needed it. And I nearly didn't manage the wait.

In the past I've waited only to be confronted with someone saying 'sorry, there was no queue when I went in, and I didn't want to leave my dog outside.' I nearly shit myself because someone wanted to have a wee with their dog in the same room. You couldn't make it up.

Please don't use disabled facilities unless you have a genuine need. You have no idea of the distress you could be causing.

It may work but it's degrading. Imagine having to explain that your invisible disability over an intercom to a complete stranger while standing in a public place.

That was in response to Barry's post.

In my local shopping centre they have family toilets, wish they had them when mine were little.

Accessible toilets were renamed to make it easier for those with hidden disabilities to use.
Some are named accessible, others disability, simply because the place hasn't got round to changing the old signs.

I would name and shame any place that asked me to somehow prove my worthiness of using the facilities. What happens when I don't fit into the narrative of looking like someone who has actual needs to use the place?

You saw it as reducing piss takers. I see it as a service that is not usable for me. I am not going to go through any more hoops than I have to to take a piss. It's degrading and discriminating. You cannot look at someone and tell if they are worthy, hence the name change to accessible. As a reminder that we don't all appear the same.

How come all the toilets aren't locked? Why single out a group of people?

If someone asked my dad to prove he needed the disabled toilet he would quite likely lift the leg of his trousers and show his catheter bag!

In my city they dont have 'disabled' toilets, they have accessable toilets. Those in the city centre are monitored via a camera and intercom....

I can just imagine saying over DD’s head:

“Well, she has severe epilepsy; she could have a seizure and be unconscious for some time; and then in a confused state, not be able to work out how to open the lock....and as she cannot understand words like right, left, etc I would not be able to tell her how to either....”

Cue DD1 in floods of tears about why this happened to her and not somebody else in the family?

In my city they dont have 'disabled' toilets, they have accessable toilets. Those in the city centre are monitored via a camera and intercom....

Awful idea.

I can just imagine how this would work with my perfectly healthy looking 17 yo whose disability means a higher toilet is better for getting up from with painful back & legs. A quiet toilet means that the sound of the hand dryers & chattering wont trigger an SPD flare up that makes her feel like she's just entered a war zone & so triggers a major panic attack. or a faster access toilet means she doesn't have to wait & risk accidents, or having a sink to clean up in with extremely heavy & unpredictable periods that can catch her out having to explain that to someone I order to get access to a toilet, when that same medical condition means she suffers with raging social anxiety & on bad days would rather die that speak to a stranger. Her words.

"the person in the control room looks on the camera to make sure you need that toilet."

How can they tell by looking?

I am astounded that those working for these companies using buzzers etc haven't mentioned anything in a wtaf way. How can that be right? Instead, sit back, let it happen and tell everyone else what a great idea it is.

Although google did answer the accessible question, still haven't turned up these miracle glasses. Are they super-secret spy equipment? Must be, NHS and other medical people would be all over these. I would have loved the specs approach to invasive procedures. Maybe my health team are fucking with me, and they have them really.

Yes I think YABU. Disabled facilities are for people with disabilities, visible or otherwise. A few years ago I visited a local council run country park to find the main walkway part closed off by a locked gate. The only way through was by a narrow channel which was too narrow to accommodate my double buggy. I emailed the council to ask what their policy was about disabled access (as there was no way a wheelchair would fit through the gap either) and their response was that the locked gate could be opened by radar key, so if I went on eBay, I could buy one for a few quid and not be inconvenienced next time! I was quite shocked that they would advocate this and needless to say I didn't buy one!

Which makes you wonder what the point of locking it was anyway.

I do admit I do enjoy watching people try to justify nonsense.

Often they just don't think through the practicalities of disabled access. A few years ago I went to the National Trust property Ingham Mote. Anyone who's been there will know that disabled access is through a back gate which is closer to the property and has a separate car park quite a way from the main one. Except the back gate is locked to stop people sneaking in that way without paying. The people in the shop a few yards away have the key and can open it on request. Which is a lot of use when you're on the outside trying to get in. What do they expect? Should I climb over the wall and drag my wheelchair after me?

"In the past I've waited only to be confronted with someone saying 'sorry, there was no queue when I went in, and I didn't want to leave my dog outside"

Sigh. Another example of people treating their pets like their kids.

I visited a local council run country park to find the main walkway part closed off by a locked gate lots of cycle paths have barriers to stop cars and motorbikes - and end up stopping wheelchairs (and prams) too. Councils need to spend less money on "diversity training" and more time using their common sense.

Nope. Accessible means just that.
There is a requirement to provide facilities that disabled individuals can access but this does not mean they have sole right of access.
Pregnant women and people with pushchairs or luggage are included in that.

Why, why, why do people repeat such nonsense? Accessible facilities are accessible for individuals with disabilities. They are not intended for pregnant women or anyone else. Someone who happens to be carrying luggage has some sort of priority? No, just no.

@WeeDangerousSpike

Finally the door opens. It's a woman with two kids

Now maybe one or all of them was disabled like me. I don't know. But maybe they weren't. They all used that loo while I was waiting outside. And I really needed it. And I nearly didn't manage the wait

Umm, I'm so confused.
I am a disabled mum, hidden disability, I need the space and the bars to help me sit down. I also have 3 children, 1 is disabled, he's autistic, you can't tell.

I would look like this woman coming out, and all 4 of us would use the toilet, because I can't leave my autistic son outside, and he can't bare hand dryers and I need the space and aids for myself and they're not old enough to go in the toilet themselves. Also I can't say I rush them, I have to keep it relaxed for my son, and we talk during the process!

So I'm not entirely sure what your point is?
"They all used that loo while I was waiting outside. And I really needed it. And I nearly didn't manage the wait" so???

You know what. I've spent time as a disabled person, and time as a disabled mum, and time as a disabled mum to a disabled child, and the most judgement I've had from other disabled people is since I've been a disabled mum!

To clarify my earlier post.

They all also have radar access. So if you have a disability that requires fast access to a toilet, no need to use the intercom system, you have a key. If that one is busy there is another a few shops down so generally no need to wait. The intercom system is more for those needing the changing facilities inside etc.

Accessable toilets in our city for a long time were used for drug use etc and the locks often broken making them unusable by everyone. This system works here to avoid that.

They also advertise the use of the 'i can't wait' cards and holding one up when buzzing the intercom means not having to announce any needs to anyone.

Yes its not ideal, but it does work. The facilities are well kept, the aren't misused and the idea has been very much accepted and praised for the way its run discreetly.

As a person who (when they were born) had 3 under 2 plus a 4yr old I can sympathise (as for those who say its a lifestyle choice - since when were twins a lifesyle choice and there is limited choice on buggies and im sure they would criticise abortion due to twins!!) as its such a pain finding toilets to fit everyone. Most places they are classed as accessible toilets even though they are also disabled, mainly as it saves space. I would personally speak to the shopping spot, if they class it as purely for disabled then ask them where you can use, if it is accessible then your free to use it without guilt. I can appreciate people saying that some have medical problems where they need to access the toilet quickly but I am sure you would be quicker then someone in a wheelchair if they had to wait. People with disabilities (and for many years I was in a wheelchair so know) do have it hard however it doesnt mean that everyone elsemust have it hard too

The OP is wanting to use them for changing her kids its for a wee herself - she has clearly stated that there are changing facilities for that meaning max she would be a couple of mins....not the time it takes to change 3 babies. So many people seem to be mis reading this post!

I would also like to say that if ANYONE was told that there was a toilet that they could use as there were no others physically suitable but werent allowed to and so had to stay at home and not go out is discriminating (how many toilets has anyone been in recently where you could lay 2 babies on the dirty floor plus a toddler?) If this happened to a disabled person there would be hell to pay but for a mum who decided to keep her babies when she found it was twins is made to struggle. Im glad everyone who has slated the OP is happy they would rather possibly prevent someone going out the house because of the stress it causes (bearing in mind the mental healt issues most mums face with small children) rather then let them use a facility which is meant to help people and is not illegal to use I might add

Heather021983

Afaik, baby change facilities may be in disabled toilets - but not ones with a radar key! I have had twins plus an older DC; and one of the twins developed a degenerative, life threatening condition in her teens. While twins are exhausting in the 1st 18 months, I never felt the need to get a radar key to use disabled toilets, I planned my trips around where I knew there to be baby changing facilities. There is absolutely no comparison in the stress Ime, between small twins plus one, or a adult sized teen with learning disabilities and challenging behaviour!