...to buy radar key online to use disabled loo?

[Marigo]

I’m not disabled and neither are any of my children, however I’m often out with my 3 under 2.5 and in our local shopping centre loos there’s no toilet in the baby change. The ladies is impossible with double buggy plus buddy board and the disabled requires a radar key. Same for the loos in the two big department stores so I just can’t go out into town unless it’s the weekend and my husband can come in case I need a wee! I’m struggling to leave the house for this stress but my mom is disabled and I know how shit it is when she can’t use the large cubicle she needs. I’m really conflicted about what to do.

"The disabled facility is a larger cubicle within the male or female toilet or changing room or both. It's no good if the carer and person with disabilities are different sexes."

That's got to be pretty unusual. I cant say I've ever seen this. Most large supermarkets have single disabled toilets outside of mens or womens. As do museums, shops, libraries, leisure centres.

My son has a hidden disability and I feel bad using the disabled loo. People stare at me and think we are using it for the sake of it. I can't believe you even have to ask if it is ok. You have children, you are not disabled.

Whilst parents shouldn't be using the disabled loo for their convenience, I'm not sure for other issues a "permanent" vs "temporary" debate is helpful.

IMO the disabled facility is there to be accessible for people who at that given time are physically unable to use the ladies or gents.

Shopping Centre - full of shops and department stores that have baby changing facilities?

You chose to have children, it doesn't give you the right to use the facilities provided for people who didn't chose to be disabled, and could be inconvenienced by you being a selfish arsehole. You may not see anyone waiting when you come out because they have had to go and find another disabled toilet that wasn't taken up by someone like you and were unable to wait for you to unload your children and re-load them, empty them and yourself and heaven knows what else, probably spray perfume, and touch up your make up while you were there.

I feel incredibly guilty for using the disabled loo. I have bowel urgency, and urinary incontinence because of a severe tear at birth. I bleed every time I open my bowels. I also damaged my coccyx in childbirth.

The disabled loo has baby change facilities in. If I need the loo there is no way I could stand in the ladies queue if it’s too long (although if there’s not a queue I would use the cubicle that accommodates a pushchair). I would honestly shit myself. I leak faecal matter.

I would hate to think someone thinks I’m using the disabled loo just because I have a pram. I always feel guilty using it because I’m wholly well apart from my incontinence issues.

I am still seeing gynae, and have an endorectal ultrasound scan soon.

Should I avoid using the disabled loos because my lifestyle choice of having children means that I have a damaged anal sphincter? Do I just look like an ’entitled cow’ to everyone else?

I'm not comparing having children to being disabled.

I'm saying if somebody needs the toilet desperately and cannot physically use the ladies but aren't disabled, why can't they use the disabled toilet if there is one available? The outcome is the same whether you're disabled or not - somebody unable to go to the toilet when they need to.

Telling the OP to just not go to the shopping centre, stay indoors and use online shopping instead, just because she wants to be able to use the toilet when she's out?!

chemicalelephant. it's because one assumes that as you don't have a disability you can hang on. I and others like me, can't.

Presumably, if they can't physically use the ladies, they have a disability?
Otherwise the outcome isn't the same. If the disabled loo is free, leave it free for the next disabled person to come along, that way they may find it free because you're not being a selfish person and using it.

No, about half the time I can't hang on. It can come on suddenly and I need to leave wherever I am and find a toilet urgently. There's nothing wrong with my bladder or bowels, I don't think, it's just how I am when I'm out. Probably partly psychological.

Chemical element then use the ladies toilets which are usually right next to the disabled toilet.

@my2bundles, no, the accessible toilets where I have been in pub restaurants have used radar keys (I know, because I have one and rather than ask at the bar, if empty, I’ll go ahead and unlock it myself). There may well be ones that are just locked due to misuse/vandalism, but none that I have come across.

"The disabled facility is a larger cubicle within the male or female toilet or changing room or both. It's no good if the carer and person with disabilities are different sexes."

I can't recall this problem, when DH has had to take disabled adult DD to the toilet sometimes, when he's taken her out on his own? Disabled toilets are always outside the men's or women's, afaik?

Even since Ds was a baby 9 years ago changing facilities, especially in town centres has come on massively. Most have a family bathroom which is plenty big enough for prams and all children you have with you. It just takes a bit of planning! But nowhere near the level of planning it takes for a lot of people with disabilities just to get out the house!

@chemicalelephant

Why don't you have a little think about how easy it is for you to use the toilet once you enter that cubicle and then think about how fucking difficult it can be for someone who has problems with mobility etc, then come back and explain why your being desperate is the same as theirs

@MontStMichel

So, because you haven't come across it, it doesn't exist?

I've been to multiple places where the accessible toilets are within either the male or female facility.

The last one that I had to use did not fit my wheelchair, I had to go in through the main door, leave my chair blocking the accessible toilet door open and use the loo INSIDE the mens toilets, I could see people peeing at the urinal, people passing by outside the toilets could see me pissing/men coming out of the mens could see me pissing.

The same arrangement was also in the ladies, the accessible cubicle in the entrance to the ladies but inside the main door.. however I couldn't even get through that main door there, and in any case the hand rail was on the wrong side for me so I couldn't have used that toilet.

It is not at all uncommon in buildings where the accessible toilet is a 'retro fit' and has to be within either male or female toilets, that the door into the toilets is not wide enough so you can't get near the accessible one.

One reason is that often providing these facilities IS a tick box exercise and there are no real penalities to businesses or venues if the facility they provide is not actually suitable, accessible, useable.

Another common one is toilets used as storage - more times than I can count, I have found the accessible toilet in a restaurant is used to store extra chairs, high chairs, kegs, cleaning materials...

I am sure if you only go to nice new shiny shopping malls, it's easy to think that disabled accessible toilet facilities are universally provided AND actually meet our needs, but the truth is we are still a VERY long way from that happening.

It's not ok to ask people anything, particularly if they may indeed be disabled. Nice attempt to get out of making a shitty comment though

"But to date I've not asked the question to anyone other than disingenuous people that try to play the hidden disability card."

You dont know if they are disingenuous of not when you ask...and you shouldn't be asking. At all. People may have a temporary disability, or they may be like my family member....unable to answer you because of speech difficulties. They actually do have a card, it's one we ordered online and it states the person has a brain injury. But they shouldn't have to show that to anyone because you are absolutely not the toilet police. Please stop asking people. They might be confused and wonder what you are on about, or as another poster said, run away all stressed. Please stop. You have no right.

I think most of us can manage for 4 hours

I can't

"hence asking the question to those that are obviously chancers,"
How on earth do you know they are chancers just from looking at them? You sound absolutely awful.

@Getmyfrownupsidedown

'You mean I have to let'

No, I mean it's not up to you to police the disabled toilet and demand people prove entitlement. Just think about how that's really fucking rude and upsetting for the disabled person who actually needs the facilities. Seriously, acting like some sort of toilet monitor? Get a grip and leave people alone.

Also, where on earth are you that there are regularly queues of 20 people waiting for the disabled loo?

"So I have to let an obvious chancer use the cubicle in front of a wheelchair user? Bearing in mind there has regularly been queues of up to 20 people."

That obvious chancer as you call it, could be desperate, and have a serious bowel problem, whereas the wheelchair user might be able to wait their turn!! In all my time using disabled toilets, I have never ever seen a queue of 20 people.

So an obvious chancer is now a group of drunk girls? Honestly you are changing your story as you go along. Before you were saying you ask people all the time for their card. And yes, one of those drunk girls could have a disability.