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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being precious?

360 replies

FloatingObject · 21/10/2019 08:53

I've been away and this evening I arrive back. I need to get to my village which is just outside the city. My train arrives to the city at 8.30pm. I didnt realise they have cut the 9.30pm service so now my only option is to wait for the 10 30pm train to the village.

I'm really not a princess type but I'm kind of hurt that DP didbt suggest picking me up (it's a 30 min drive). He gets off work at 4pm. I feel like sometimes not being the princess type works to your disadvantage because like my DP just expects me to get on with things which I do, but I'll have been travelling all day and now I'll have to kill 2 hours in a pub near the station and I dunno. If it was reversed I think I would have just offered to pick him up?

Before anyone asks, no, I never ask him for lifts.

Would you be a bit hurt/annoyed by this or no?

OP posts:
Aprillygirl · 21/10/2019 13:00

Unbelievably selfish and lazy of him not to pick you up OP. difference is I would have told him to buck his ideas up instead of being a martyr and then moaning on here.

SoupDragon · 21/10/2019 13:08

OP has had the conversation, and he hasn't listened

Neither has she though.

He could have offered, she could have asked. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Neither is more or less unreasonable than the other IMO.

Isaididont · 21/10/2019 13:14

When I got into a long term relationship my sister said to me “Always remember men are not mind readers.” (Nor are women).
Just say it. Be open. It could your DP would want to start a threat saying “AIBU to want my partner to simply ask when she wants something instead of quietly seething and expecting me to mind-read?”
I agree it’s not thoughtful of him, but we all do things that aren’t thoughtful to other people because we all think differently.

I used to get annoyed at my DH if he didn’t think of certain things or suggest them, now I just swallow my pride and come out and say it, it makes for a much happier relationship

RedskyToNight · 21/10/2019 13:18

I used to have a DH that said "Just ask". I fumed (because I wanted him just to realise what needed doing without asking) but realised perhaps I was being unreasonable.
So I asked. Every single time.
And guess what. Eventually he got so used to me always asking him to do xyz that he started doing xyz without me asking.
So I now have a DH that does look round and realise what needs doing and just does it. Mostly.

Of course this might not work with everyone, but I don't think it's a bad starting point if something is not automatic.

Mephisto · 21/10/2019 13:23

I told him because of the cut off, I would need to hang around until 10.30pm for a train.

He said "that's shit!!! Hope you make the most of your last day in X, see you later".

If I received that text, the message I would get is ‘that sucks for you, hope you’re not expecting a lift, see you later’.

I would then call him and ask him for a lift and see if she says yes or no, because I would want confirmation of the type of person he is.

BustedDreams · 21/10/2019 13:29

I’d saviour the 2 hours in the pub have a drink, bite to eat and read ... not helpful I know.

If it bothered me so much I’d have just asked to be picked up.

Zaphodsotherhead · 21/10/2019 14:06

I also used to have a DH who said 'just ask'.

So I'd ask, and be met with moaning, ignoring, being told I was 'nagging' or that I 'shouldn't have asked, couldn't I see he was busy?'

Just asking isn't always answered by your needs being met. And I think that might colour the views of a few of us answering here.

Original poster
FloatingObject · 21/10/2019 14:21

I totally get what you mean about savouring the time and that would be the case if it was an evening after work or whatever, but I'm currently on a full days travel so I'm spending the the whole day sitting around, having a drink, staring out windows, reading etc anyway. Plus theres no bedtime madness at mine as posters have suggested. We dont have kids!

Tbh I do realise I shouldn't be a drama queen about it and I am going to ask him to pick me up from market town and get the 9.30 train so its kinds compromising. I just would have liked the offer to come from him but I realise people are different

OP posts:
Witchinaditch · 21/10/2019 14:27

I know everyone is different but before kids the conversation would have gone like this:
Me: my train gets in at 8.30 so be there by then to pick me up
DP: ok no worries text me when your at the stop before.

No drama needed- wouldn’t have even been entertained one of us killing time for 2 hours for the sake of a 30 min journey.

After kids I would just get a taxi as DP at home with kids.

Samosaurus · 21/10/2019 14:30

I would be annoyed in your situation OP. My DH offers to pick me up from the train station that is only 10 mins walk away if it's late, so it's pretty rubbish of him not to offer. I did think you were being a bit precious as you know that it is not usual for him to offer and i thought, 'why don't you just asked', but then I read your update saying he picks his sister up without having to be asked, then I started to think that he is being really unreasonable, and has possibly not got you very far up his list of priorities.

Original poster
FloatingObject · 21/10/2019 14:39

Just sent "Can you come and pick me up at (market town) at 10pm that way I only have an hour to kill in (city) as opposed to two hours". And he said "Of course!".

OP posts:
Stinkycatbreath · 21/10/2019 14:44

I'd kind of expect him to offer.

StroppyWoman · 21/10/2019 14:45

Glad you resolved it.

Next time just ask upfront rather than manufacturing a drama that helps no one

Original poster
FloatingObject · 21/10/2019 14:50

Yeah I have to admit I do still think you could just offer because thats what I'd do.

But reading back my OP I think the term "princessy" stands out.

I dont want to get all psychoanalytical (because nobody really cares) but you know when I was kid a lot of quite traumatic and upheavaly stuff happened. I was raised by my mum and she was a good mum, however it was very much a case of "dont make my life any more complicated than it has to be please" and I did kind of suppress a lit of stuff because she would lose it with me if I "needed" anything so I just learnt that it wasnt right to "demand" stuff and became self reliant.

Even this weekend, I happened to be in the same city as my birth father who was an absent father and the last time I saw him was 5 years ago. I texted him asking if he wanted to meet for a drink and he said he couldn't as he already has plans with a mate. I know its pathetic because I'm 32 FFS but I felt this horrible stab to the heart. Like wow - I don't know. I guess I need to work on myself but I dont really know what to work on.

OP posts:
TeaForTara · 21/10/2019 14:51

Well there you go then. Who knows, he might even have picked you up from the city if you had only asked him!

BustedDreams · 21/10/2019 14:51

@FloatingObject yes I do get what you and YANBU to expect him to offer. Perhaps have a chat with him about how important it is for you to feel valued and special.

TigerJoy · 21/10/2019 14:55

For heaven's sake, you've already had one argument about him not being a mind reader, and here you are, sulking about him not knowing what you want him to do.

It's much easier being in a relationship if you can be clear and explicit about what you want. NB wanting him to know what you want isn't very fair. There are plenty of people who have posted here who'd be happy to kill the time at the station.

Just ask him to pick you up. Then say in general you'd rather he pick you up in the those situations if that's alright with him, and if you must, say you feel bad asking sometimes and would like him to offer a bit more. But honestly, your relationship will be a lot easier if you can just get in the habit of asking for what you want.

TigerJoy · 21/10/2019 14:59

Sorry hadn't seen your update. Big hugs.

You could start by talking to your DP about what you've just posted about your childhood. It sounds like it's hard for you to ask for things but also when people don't offer that it wounds you deeply and means much more than just a lift - well done for realising how your childhood patterns are affecting you now, and talk to him about it. I'm sure he wants you to feel valued.

sanchezz · 21/10/2019 15:05

OP, I think you’re starting to realise that you’re maybe a little to much on the easy-going side. We all have our “norms” and you are right, that this is often modelled in childhood experiences. You shouldn’t have to ask this DP to pick you up. Fair enough if he didn’t know about the train times, but if he did, he should have offered to come. Most men would offer and this is basic stuff. Don’t doubt yourself and stop letting guilt rule your life. Easier said than done, I know, but you can make a start today. Ask him why he didn’t offer in the first place.

Howdidido · 21/10/2019 15:11

Well done for asking. I'm glad he responded well
And yes second talking about childhood with DP. It sounds like you don't like to ask because you don't want to impose and don't want to feel like a burden. Your DP loves you and is very unlikely to see picking you up as a burden. Talk to him to explain. He'll probably say he's sorry. And that he doesn't feel your a burden and wants you to ask. You need to learn to rely on others a little bit. It's ok to ask.
Hope your journey back isn't too rough!

GetUpAgain · 21/10/2019 15:13

Well done OP. A lot of stuff that happens in childhood affects us as adults and it's a long process as you kind of reassess yourself/your needs as an adult rather than as a child, you have a different perspective on your life.

If you are thinking of therapy I would personally start with a bit of reading, see what chimes with you. Good luck Flowers

CalmConfident · 21/10/2019 15:19

Good result, it will be less scary next time...keep chipping away. The childhood context explains a little bit your nervousness to ask.

Woofbloodywoof · 21/10/2019 15:20

OP I read your last update and it made me so sad. Your birth father is an arse, I’m so sorry.
IMHO the Princesses are those who expect everyone to drop everything for them and that people should run around feeling honoured to do their bidding. They would never for a minute think ‘am I being Princessy?’
Seems to me like you’ve spent your life fitting in around everyone else. I’m not suggesting you start being a Princess but ask for help more often. It’s not being cheeky or Princessy, it’s just how people who care one another look out for each other.
Sending hugs, I’m still really cross and sad about your Dad going for a drink with mates instead.
X

FrenchJunebug · 21/10/2019 15:22

why don't you ask?!

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 21/10/2019 15:22

floating Well done for asking. I'm so glad your boyfriend responded exactly the way he should! It sounds as if you have been used to guessing your Mum's needs and wishes so as to avoid making her stressed, and to not making demands for the same reason. Knowing that it's OK to ask for things from the people you love will be healthy for you, your Mum didn't mean any harm but maybe that childhood experience has made asking harder for you than it should be.

I know its pathetic because I'm 32 FFS but I felt this horrible stab to the heart.

That's not pathetic at all, I am nearly 60 and I would feel hurt if my Dad treated me as if meeting me wasn't that important to him. Your reaction seems right to me, his behaviour not so much.

I guess I need to work on myself but I dont really know what to work on.

Maybe you could use a therapist to "work on" accepting some of your natural feelings and actions that you don't trust because your parents kind of shut them down?