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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say something to SIL?

130 replies

Linnylinn1 · 20/10/2019 20:51

First off I know it’s none of my business but...
SIL has had her first baby, we went to visit today (baby is a week old) and as we were there I came to realise they have the baby in its own bedroom! They sleep in their room down the hall. I asked if they used a monitor and she said no. So baby is sleeping in another room and they are down the hall with no monitor. PLEASE tell me I am not being unreasonable to say this is quite risky?? Or should I just keep my opinion to myself. I didn’t say much at the time as I was shocked but she said to me without prompt “ I wanted to start as I mean to go on with her (the baby) she needs to get used to her own room”
Have others done this? I had mine in my room until they were 4/5 months.

OP posts:
HumphreyCobblers · 20/10/2019 20:53

People have done this for years. I didn't, but people do!

I wouldn't say anything.

TabbyMumz · 20/10/2019 20:53

Yes, my first was in her room from day one. We had a listening monitor.

Stressedout10 · 20/10/2019 20:54

Say nothing it won't go down well

Original poster
Linnylinn1 · 20/10/2019 20:55

I have to admit I’m finding it hard to think of anything else it has me so anxious thinking about the baby, what if something happens? Oh god I can’t cope... Sad

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 20/10/2019 20:56

This was the norm for generations. I would zip my lip if I were you. Sticking your beak in will end badly, I guarantee it.

Thehop · 20/10/2019 20:57

I think that’s crap. Poor baby.

Interestedwoman · 20/10/2019 20:58

If you're that concerned, you could buy them a monitor. Don't make a thing of it, just say it's a present.

Peakypolly · 20/10/2019 20:58

I don’t see this as that unusual.

Thehop · 20/10/2019 20:58

All that time cocooned and part of you then just left alone at night?

Not even a monitor is really worrying, there’s a reason that guidelines say to have them in your room.

But I have to agree, voicing your concerns won’t go well.

PollyShelby · 20/10/2019 20:59

Have you got a monitor you can loan her?

MrsCollinssettled · 20/10/2019 20:59

If it's a modern house and a couple of metres apart they will be able to hear the baby if the doors are all open. If it's an older property with solid walls and rooms some distance apart then it would be an issue

Original poster
Linnylinn1 · 20/10/2019 21:00

@Interestedwoman I would but I don’t have the money unfortunately and it’s not a case of them NOT being able to afford it. They just “don’t see the need” I would have given them my old one but it broke 😭

OP posts:
Lazypuppy · 20/10/2019 21:01

Yep i wouldn't say anything. I think the no camera is a bit odd, but baby in their own room used to be the norm.

I think we lasted about 2 weeks before we put our dd in her own room

BabyMoonPie · 20/10/2019 21:02

It was the norm for generations... and cot death rates were higher - there are scientific reasons for babies sleeping with parents. I would have to say something. She will probably ignore you but in case she doesn't know why the baby shouldn't be alone I would say something

SandyY2K · 20/10/2019 21:03

I had my babies in with me till 6 months old...then a baby monitor.

I wouldn't have slept without knowing I could hear them wake.

I wouldn't say anything to your SIL though...I'd only express my opinion on this to my sisters.

Disfordarkchocolate · 20/10/2019 21:03

Have they not had any home visits from a midwife or health visitor? I'm sure one of these will say it's safer to have the baby in with you for 6 months.

Helendee · 20/10/2019 21:04

That’s what we were told to do up until the early nineties, I did it with all of my four and they all slept well.
I was surprised how things had changed so much the other way when my now seven year old grandson was born.
I guess there is no wrong or right way of doing things and advice changes all the time.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 20/10/2019 21:04

Guidelines are room sharing for 6 months, so I guess you indulged in 'risky' behaviour too.

She has made an informed choice about her baby, don't get involved.

Stuckinanutshell · 20/10/2019 21:06

SIDS prevention guidelines are clear. I’ve never understood the phrase ‘we did it like X for years and my children are fine’. Yes that’s true. But because lots of people did stuff not recommended and got away with it doesn’t mean we should take a risk now. Also - many didn’t get away with it.

The guidelines say baby in with parent/s until 6 months at least.

I don’t blame you for being worried and I would personally say something gently and discreetly as I couldn’t live with myself if anything happened and I had said nothing. You could try the route of ‘NHS suggests babies sleep better and for longer in with parents’ (carrot rather than stick). It’s never nice to mention SIDS to new parents so a more tactful route might be better. But better safe than sorry imo.

walkinwar · 20/10/2019 21:06

Ask your husband to say something to his Brother, it will be much better received.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 20/10/2019 21:07

Just having a monitor won't help. They arent going to hear if the baby stopped breathing. They are meant to be in the room with their parent(s) because the background noise causes them to wake up more easily and not fall into such a deep sleep and therefore at lower risk of cot death.

Being in their own room is just one of many risk factors though such as -
Putting them to sleep on their back
Having no teddies, pillows or bedding
Breastfeeding
Parents not smoking

So if they were doing all the above as per the guidelines then I'd be less concerned (I would guess not though).

I also think you will find it really hard to find any stats on what the risk factors are (eg does having them in their own room drop the risk by 10pc or 50pc).

I'm not sure if i would say anything. It would probably be better coming from someone like a health visitor, dont know if it would be possible to have a word or if that's a bit sneaky

Original poster
Linnylinn1 · 20/10/2019 21:08

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult mine were big babies so I had little option unfortunately as they outgrew the baby basket and I couldn’t fit the cot in my room. I also used a monitor when they did move.

OP posts:
TabbyMumz · 20/10/2019 21:08

I've never really understood room sharing, especially as they say you shouldn't, if one parent smokes. As smoking levels are high, I'd guess quite a lot babies sleep in their own room in this Country. So I'm thinking more babies sleep alone, than people think.

AJPTaylor · 20/10/2019 21:09

Dd2 was in her own room from about 5 days. She slept fine and I had no problem at all in hearing her.
I would seriously get a grip. It may be marginally more safe but the chances of anything happening are surely tiny?

InsertFunnyUsername · 20/10/2019 21:10

I know it was the norm but I couldn't do it and have spoke to quite a few older generations who said they ignored that and kept baby in the room so not everyone did it. I'm a hypocrite because I may not say something to my SIL but I would to my Sister. Just trust parents have done what's best for them all.

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