Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say something to SIL?

130 replies

Linnylinn1 · 20/10/2019 20:51

First off I know it’s none of my business but...
SIL has had her first baby, we went to visit today (baby is a week old) and as we were there I came to realise they have the baby in its own bedroom! They sleep in their room down the hall. I asked if they used a monitor and she said no. So baby is sleeping in another room and they are down the hall with no monitor. PLEASE tell me I am not being unreasonable to say this is quite risky?? Or should I just keep my opinion to myself. I didn’t say much at the time as I was shocked but she said to me without prompt “ I wanted to start as I mean to go on with her (the baby) she needs to get used to her own room”
Have others done this? I had mine in my room until they were 4/5 months.

OP posts:
Original poster
Linnylinn1 · 20/10/2019 21:45

I don’t know who her gp is but even if I did I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing that Blush

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 20/10/2019 21:46

I’d feel the same as you. Mine is in with us at 7 months, we’re a bit squished as she’s in a proper cot now but I’m still breastfeeding and even though her room is immediately next door to ours I can’t see us moving her anytime soon. I don’t get it at all. Who gives a toss what people used to do? People used to carry babies on their knees in cars, lots of of those babies survived, some didn’t, who would take the risk now there are safe car seats? Guidelines change for a reason.

I don’t think you’ll gain much by talking to them though if she’s so’s specifically said they’re doing it for a reason. It’s a shit reason but they’re the parents.

LL83 · 20/10/2019 21:49

Do you think she hasn't heard the guidelines on where baby should sleep? If so tell her.

If not then you are just starting a debate on it. It is their choice. If she can hear the baby when it cries then she can manage without a monitor. I liked the reassurance but its not really essential.

"Watching the baby sleep" may have been fun for you but suggesting she should also enjoy that is patronising. There will be plenty of opportunities to watch baby sleep if she wants.

NicLondon1 · 20/10/2019 21:56

Agree that this is dangerous - not just for her to hear the baby breathing, but the baby needs to hear HER breathing. To know it is not alone after being in her tummy for 9 months, it will be used to her heartbeat etc.

Agree with the posters above that you could i) drop a leaflet through the door anonymously, or ii) ask your husband to talk to his brother. It's just as much their concern.

seeingasyouareclueless · 20/10/2019 21:59

It seems you were caught off guard at the time and reluctant to offend, and that the more you've thought about since the more you feel that you should have spoken up. Nip round again tomorrow night, take food and drink for them and just act like you're being a bit of a mad aunty in popping round unannounced because you're desperate for another cuddle with baby rather than that you have a Meaningful Message. Then just start chatting about how you can't believe how easy going their midwife must be in comparison to yours because they went on and on about how cosleeping was so important, blah blah blah about all of the facts, then an "anyway, must dash" and off you go. At worst you've been a bit annoying, you might have bil asking dh to tell you to let them know when you're coming and to ease off on the midwife drama, but at least you'll know they've heard it without it all being so serious.

AloneLonelyLoner · 20/10/2019 21:59

To be honest, as a parent who shared a room with all her kids until at least 2, I'd judge you for just 5 months!

To each his own.

I wouldn't say anything as they will have been given the safe sleep guidelines. Everyone is. They've made a value judgement and decided to opt for the riskier option. It's also harder work with all the feeding etc. Nuts if you ask me.

Original poster
Linnylinn1 · 20/10/2019 22:05

@ AloneLonelyLoner I wanted to keep them for longer but I couldn’t fit the cot in my room unfortunately. 😢

@ seeingasyouareclueless I can’t nip round unfortunately as they live an hour and a half away.

OP posts:
TriciaH87 · 20/10/2019 22:06

I'm sure i read that keeping baby in with you reduces risk of sids because they sense you. Also however a newborns cry is fairly quiet so would likely need to become extremely distressed to be heard around the house without a monitor. Personally it's a risk I wouldn't take.

Ginfizplease · 20/10/2019 22:10

I don't understand why people would do this or want to do this. That poor baby has been inside its mum for 9 months and now is miles away (well, it would feel like it).

I find it odd that we are the only species/mammals that think it is totally acceptable to place our offspring far from us at night. It is so unnatural to sleep apart from one's young. That doesn't necessarily mean bed sharing either.

That said, I wouldn't say anything to SIL probably!

NearlyGranny · 20/10/2019 22:20

I understand your concern, but apart from getting your DH to raise it with BiL, I don't think there's anything you can do.

Could DH ask BiL what brand of monitor they're getting and start the conversation there? At least you'll have tried and won't have anything to reproach yourselves with.

Ilovetolurk · 20/10/2019 22:31

The actual research quoted in the study mentioned upthread was interesting and stated:

further research is required to investigate whether room sharing is protective in itself or merely a marker for hidden confounders not measured in this study

I took this to mean the use of pillows, baby lying in a prone position etc were also contributing and the researchers were unable to confidently exclude these factors

OP the risk appears to be very small and the extent to which it is purely down to a separate bedroom unclear

Lillyhatesjaz · 20/10/2019 23:24

I started off with the baby in my room but after several nights of not being able to sleep as I was listening to him breath all night we put him in his own room for everyone's sanity. I didn't use a monitor but in reality with both doors open he was only a few feet away from DH who was nearer to the door.

Crunchymum · 20/10/2019 23:39

All mine were in with us for extended periods

DC1 until they were 2 (only had a 1 bed place to begin with)
DC2 still climbs in with us now and they are almost 5.
DC3 is 21m but is registered disabled so is in with us for as long as needs be

So a 1 week old in their own room is just insane to me. But I'm "judging" against my own experience.

TabbyMumz · 20/10/2019 23:43

"DC3 is 21m but is registered disabled so is in with us for as long as needs be"

Where is he registered? Not aware there is such a register?

TabbyMumz · 20/10/2019 23:45

OP...she has made her decision and you have to understand that other people have the right to look after their baby how they see fit to do so. They are guidelines at the end of the day .

IfIKnewThenWhatIKnowNow · 21/10/2019 00:43

Their child, their choice. As for telling someone’s midwife about putting rusk in a bottle! Get a grip 🤦‍♀️ Some people have way too much time on their hands!

tillytrotter1 · 21/10/2019 17:05

Ours never slept in our room and they both slept well from day one, barring teething. We also had no nonsense about 'separation issues' and they're both fine. I honestly think that many of the problems I read about here are caused by the modern hysterical, clinging attitude, I know one isn't generally allowed to contradict the MN norms though.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/10/2019 17:22

We also had no nonsense about 'separation issues' and they're both fine.

Yes, god forbid a baby forms a strong attachment to its primary care giver(s) Hmm

Smokiesings · 21/10/2019 17:29

It is her decision BUT does she know that it is against guidelines, and why? Could you not say, "oh what does your health visitor say about not having x in with you, I know mine said it was a SIDS risk". Then you have said all you can. Imagine if she didn't know, or was listening to her own mother with a "you were all fine" POV?

woodhill · 21/10/2019 17:52

That was like me
DcNo3. Definitely more relaxed and his room was next door

@Lillyhatesjaz

Smokiesings · 21/10/2019 18:00

For many, many babies being in a different room will be absolutely fine and cause neither or you any problems. But imagine being the parent of the one who doesn't keep breathing through the night, and knowing that your presence might have made all the difference. I couldn't chance it, personally.

AthollPlace · 21/10/2019 18:05

If their baby dies it’s their problem not yours. Mind your own business. Speaking up won’t fix the situation, it’ll just piss SIL off.

Lonelymum11 · 21/10/2019 18:08

If their baby dies it’s their problem not yours.

Shock bit brutal

Coconutbug · 21/10/2019 18:10

Genuine curiousity - if baby is in own room from day one, how does one deal with the hourly etc wake ups that normally occur during the first few days? Do you have to drag yourself out of bed Everytime!
If so ouch!!!

Rubychard · 21/10/2019 18:18

DS2 snored so loud as a newborn we couldn’t sleep. He slept in our room all right but we didn’t, he was just too loud. When I spoke to my hv about it she said that he was our child, and just because they recommended something, didn’t mean that we had to do it. In his own room he went (with a monitor).