To say something to SIL?

[Linnylinn1]

First off I know it’s none of my business but...
SIL has had her first baby, we went to visit today (baby is a week old) and as we were there I came to realise they have the baby in its own bedroom! They sleep in their room down the hall. I asked if they used a monitor and she said no. So baby is sleeping in another room and they are down the hall with no monitor. PLEASE tell me I am not being unreasonable to say this is quite risky?? Or should I just keep my opinion to myself. I didn’t say much at the time as I was shocked but she said to me without prompt “ I wanted to start as I mean to go on with her (the baby) she needs to get used to her own room”
Have others done this? I had mine in my room until they were 4/5 months.

Linnylinn1 you still cant really start getting all concerned and anxious when you did the same thing 🤷‍♀️

Thing is, if you start going on about guidelines, you’d never stop. Baby nests and sleepyheads are against guidelines but I never hear the end of parents going on about how amazing they are!

To be honest the risk isn’t about the monitor; the safest place is in a parents room until 6 months. I guess I’d feel I have to say something just to make sure they knew what the guidance is and if they’re making the decision to do it differently then so be it.

@ DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult I didn’t do “the same”mine outgrew the basket and I used a monitor it’s slightly different. They were 5 months...with a monitor. I won’t say anything but I do think it’s a bit sad tbh.

Why do you think it's sad Linny? The baby will more than likely get better sleep.

Increased risk of SIDS when in own room before 6 months. I assume she’s educated and has read the information on safe sleeping. If she has then she has made an informed decision and not for you to say anything. Although personally I think that’s really sad, no point having a baby if you don’t want everything that comes with being a mummy. I can’t imagine mine being in another room and she’s 4 months.

You put your baby in their own room at 4/5 months, the guidelines are 6 months.

Why would you try and shame a new mum who's made a perfectly legal and informed choice, when you also disregarded the guidelines?

It's not sad at all, she made different choices to you, that's all.

@TabbyMumz I think it’s sad because what comes with having a baby, sleeping in the same room, hearing their little breath and seeing them sleep peacefully. I loved it and to me she just seems so cold and “detached” if I’m being honest. Anyway, as I have said I won’t be saying anything to her. It’s her decision I suppose.

Everyone who says their child slept brilliantly in their own room. Well yes - they would. Much better than in with you. It’s kind of the point of room sharing.

One theory about cot death is that the baby falls into such a lovely deep sleep that they forget to breathe. If the baby is in the same room as parents then everyone keeps disturbing each other with snores / mutters under breath of “stop fucking snoring” / cute little snuffles. (That was dh, me and the baby respectively in case you haven’t realised.) Nobody is going to be having any lovely deep sleeps and forget to breathe with all that going on.

Same as why we make babies sleep on their back. Poor little things are so uncomfortable that they sleep dreadfully and so stay alive.

Op - realistically the chance of cot death is very very low. Even ignoring all advice it is very very low. Yes - if you do as advised then it is very very very very low. But it is still very very low for your niece / nephew.

Evidence based information here www.basisonline.org.uk/room-alone/

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult I NEVER said I was going to “shame” her!! How dare you? I asked if I should say something and I meant in a caring concerned way! I wasn’t going to go in all guns blazing calling her a terrible mother etc etc! Please don’t assume that I was going to be a bitch about it!!

What difference is a monitor going to make?

Could you leave a message at her GP surgery for the MW ?
When I knew of someone adding rusks to a very young baby's bottles I told the HV... We had the same one and I knew of the woman..
My name obviously wasn't mentioned but she did speak to the dm.
One of my old neighbours left her baby in her own room to cio from the first night home at a week old..
Make me feel physically sick tbh..
Do whatever makes you feel less shitty op.
Imo..

So sad, I don't understand why people don't want their tiny little newborns with them all the time. I'd be in a mild panic too, it's not only that it's against current recommendations it seems unnatural to be so detached from your baby. Still, i probably wouldn't have the guts to say anything.

I had the exact same situation as you... It was before I had a child myself, but my work meant I knew the guidance.
Unfortunately I just mentioned it. Without much tact. And you can imagine how it went down. (I feel really bad to this day about coming across ultra judgemental and not respecting they had made their choice.)
So if I were in your situation right now, I'd maybe mention it to your DH. See how he felt about it and if he would maybe mention it to his brother.

This next suggestion probably won't be popular, but could you print anything from the lullaby trust out and pop it through their door without then knowing it's you? That way you absolutely know they'll have read the evidence and seen the facts and decided? Because once you know they've looked into it and made their decision, ultimately that's it. Upto them.

Must admit ds no 3 went in his own room next door after 1st night home. I dragged the crib there as I was so tired and 2 older dc to get to school etc

Obviously I tended to him still

www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/room-sharing/

I’d advise her gently in case she genuinely doesn’t know. Studies show SIDS is reduced when room sharing under 6 months.

And I know the chances of cot death are rare, but in the last two years one colleague of mine experienced it, a friend of my ex and a lady I met through baby group...
It's rare but it's horrific 😞

In modern houses, they'd be no more than 4 or 5 yards away.

Calling her cold and detached for making different choices to you seems pretty bitchy to me tbh.

So much gets piled onto new mothers, everyone has and opinion on every tiny aspect and wants to stick their tuppence worth in all the time. It's really irritating. People are capable of making informed choices that suit their lifestyle and are perfectly capable of asking for opinions if they are welcome.

I'm glad you've decided not to say anything op.

In modern houses, they'd be no more than 4 or 5 yards away.

If they're in a different room, they aren't going to have the protective factors of sleeping around other people, regardless of how far down the corridor they are.

“ Could you leave a message at her GP surgery for the MW ?
When I knew of someone adding rusks to a very young baby's bottles I told the HV... We had the same one and I knew of the woman..
My name obviously wasn't mentioned but she did speak to the dm.
One of my old neighbours left her baby in her own room to cio from the first night home at a week old..
Make me feel physically sick tbh..
Do whatever makes you feel less shitty op.
Imo..”

😮

I'd say something. At least then you know you tried, if the baby dies of SIDS.

Your SIL is a fool.

I know I keep commenting, but just a thought as you mention she seems cold and detached, could she have PND? Just something to think about