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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say something to SIL?

130 replies

Linnylinn1 · 20/10/2019 20:51

First off I know it’s none of my business but...
SIL has had her first baby, we went to visit today (baby is a week old) and as we were there I came to realise they have the baby in its own bedroom! They sleep in their room down the hall. I asked if they used a monitor and she said no. So baby is sleeping in another room and they are down the hall with no monitor. PLEASE tell me I am not being unreasonable to say this is quite risky?? Or should I just keep my opinion to myself. I didn’t say much at the time as I was shocked but she said to me without prompt “ I wanted to start as I mean to go on with her (the baby) she needs to get used to her own room”
Have others done this? I had mine in my room until they were 4/5 months.

OP posts:
Teddyreddy · 22/10/2019 19:59

I wouldn't say anything, people make their own decisions about risk. However, it's definitely not the case as lots of posters have said that babies had been in their own room for generations and room sharing is a modern thing. The overwhelming majority of the population until very recently was poor only had 1 or 2 bedrooms for a whole family so would definitely have been sharing a bedroom. Most people having big enough houses for babies to have their own room is definitely a modern thing

TabbyMumz · 22/10/2019 20:13

"I wouldn't doubt that at all. A lot of women smoke when pregnant. And lots of families put their lo in an unsuitable car seat. Should we not aim for better?

You can hardly put putting your baby to sleep in it's own room in the same group of people who smoke when pregnant or use badly fitting car seats.

Aprillygirl · 22/10/2019 20:21

The concept of having babies-especially such tiny ones- in a separate seems so alien to me. I always had my babies cribs and cots right up against my bed or at the end of it for at least until they were at least 12 months old. I liked hearing their little snuffles and leaning over and watching them while they slept. I'd be a nervous wreck up and down checking them every 10 minutes if they were in another room. Everyone's different though I guess, and I'm assuming they have thin walls and they leave all the doors open, otherwise how would they hear baby when it wakes for a feed?

GrumpyHoonMain · 22/10/2019 20:27

Is the baby being breastfed? If so and they’re waking the baby up every 2 hours then the SIDS risk is very low regardless of what room the baby is in.

Pandainmyporridge · 22/10/2019 20:28

I think the risk for an under 6 month old of being in a separate room is probably as great as using a ff rather than rf seat for a 2 year old. But I wouldn't put money on it. Smoking seems more clear cut but plenty of women still do it, as I can see outside local maternity ward, one even told me her doctor thought it was fine as she had cut down a bit.

woodhill · 22/10/2019 20:43

Yes mine were breastfed. I'd had both dds in with me but I had moved and had a lovely room ready for ds so he was moved early on.

Waterloosunsets · 22/10/2019 20:49

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ as requested by the OP.

Delatron · 22/10/2019 20:55

Genuine question. So this applies to daytime sleeps too? So baby can’t be asleep in the lounge whilst you catch up on housework?
What about walking around in the buggy?
And yes to getting up to breast feed every couple of hours definitely reduces the risk.

helacells · 22/10/2019 20:57

She's asking for trouble. Newborns should always be in the room with you.

Missmagpie1 · 22/10/2019 21:03

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult Who said she made an informed decision????

TabbyMumz · 22/10/2019 21:13

I know people are saying the current thinking (nothing factual or proved) is that you need to prevent them going into a deep sleep in case they forget to breath....but there is no evidence this is the case, it's all purely guesswork. And I cant help wondering if by preventing them going into a deep sleep for the first 6 months of their life is going to actually be harmful to their brain development or mental health.

Wallywobbles · 22/10/2019 21:14

My kids always slept in own room. I had a bed in their but I always started the night in my own bed. Sorry but massive over reaction.

drspouse · 22/10/2019 21:15

Genuine question. So this applies to daytime sleeps too?
It does, and to putting the baby to bed upstairs while you have an evening downstairs. I think this part is recent though as I had advice about naps in her cot for my DD who is now 5.
But a former colleague lost her baby boy aged 6 months to SIDS when he was napping upstairs. He would have been the same age as my 7 year old. I don't think it really registered with us at the time that he even could have been napping with someone in the room.

Missmagpie1 · 22/10/2019 21:33

@Krisskrosskiss

If the sleeping situation is completely safe in ever other way it's really not going to ge a problem

How can you state this as fact??? Do you happen to know more than the people who spend thousands of hours researching the deaths of infants? Know more than the numerous studies into this subject? Because ALL of the current up to date evidence suggests that babies are safer when in with somebody. A great deal of time and money is spent researching this very topic so for undecucated people to spout their opinions as facts is ridiculous. Just because you obviously don’t agree, don’t state your opinion as fact. It’s dangerous.

Missmagpie1 · 22/10/2019 21:37

@TabbyMum
Literally thousands of hours, time, researchers, scientists etc and research has gone into this advice, it is evidence based information. To call it purely guesswork is showing you to be very uneducated. Please don’t try and link regular waking as an infant to poor brain development. Unless of course you’re a scientist with a specialist interest int his area?! That is normal infant behaviour!

TabbyMumz · 22/10/2019 21:47

"call it purely guesswork is showing you to be very uneducated"
...no it doesnt. Lots of people have quoted on here passages from the lullaby trust where they have said they do not know why numbers of cot deaths have reduced other than it does seem to when babies are in the same room as parents. They have surmised that it may be because they forget to breath.. but they dont know for sure. It is always good to question things...

TabbyMumz · 22/10/2019 21:52

"Please don’t try and link regular waking as an infant to poor brain development. Unless of course you’re a scientist with a specialist interest int his area?! That is normal infant behaviour!"

Why not? I'm allowed to wonder about these things. Deep sleep is good for you. We keep getting told that by scientists. It's not wrong to question is it a bad thing to not allow babies to have a deep sleep. Especially when scientists say they dont know for sure that babies forget to breath when in a deep sleep and it's just a theory.

Original poster
Linnylinn1 · 23/10/2019 11:48

No baby is not breastfed

OP posts:
Nillynally · 25/10/2019 17:00

I wouldn't do this and feel quite sorry for the poor baby but I think you need to mind your business. There's nothing to suggest the baby is in danger and if you were my sister in law I would have a couple of words for you...

Original poster
Linnylinn1 · 25/10/2019 17:35

@Nillynally words about what exactly? I haven’t said anything to her at all!! Confused

OP posts:
cptartapp · 25/10/2019 17:42

Unless it's solely SIL decision, both parents need telling surely. Why just your SIL?

iamNOTmagic · 25/10/2019 17:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wineandtoastfortea · 25/10/2019 17:47

Both of mine slept in their own rooms from the beginning. Parents choice

greenlavender · 25/10/2019 18:01

DS went into his own room from Day 1. I think it's perfectly normal & healthy. I wish people wouldn't be so judgemental.

iamNOTmagic · 25/10/2019 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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