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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say something to SIL?

130 replies

Linnylinn1 · 20/10/2019 20:51

First off I know it’s none of my business but...
SIL has had her first baby, we went to visit today (baby is a week old) and as we were there I came to realise they have the baby in its own bedroom! They sleep in their room down the hall. I asked if they used a monitor and she said no. So baby is sleeping in another room and they are down the hall with no monitor. PLEASE tell me I am not being unreasonable to say this is quite risky?? Or should I just keep my opinion to myself. I didn’t say much at the time as I was shocked but she said to me without prompt “ I wanted to start as I mean to go on with her (the baby) she needs to get used to her own room”
Have others done this? I had mine in my room until they were 4/5 months.

OP posts:
chemicalelephant · 21/10/2019 18:25

I find it odd that we are the only species/mammals that think it is totally acceptable to place our offspring far from us at night.

And during the day, too.
I read it called "arms length parenting" once - babies in their own rooms, behind bars in cots and playpens, strapped into chairs and prams. All for the convenience of the parents and modern life.

OP, I wouldn't say anything directly because new parents feel so much pressure, and they may already be aware of the guidelines but are ignoring them. Could you share something on Facebook /other social media about safe sleeping? Or mention it to MIL/FIL?

Chocolatelover45 · 21/10/2019 18:26

It's highly unlikely she hasn't heard the advice about room sharing. I think I have been told at least 10 times, had leaflets, emails etc.

Why don't you just ask her why she's decided to do that? Start from a position of she is a sensible loving parent and you are just interested. No need to wade in giving her unwanted and annoying advice. It's up to her and as long as she has made a decision knowing the official advice (which she almost certainly has) it's not your business and she isn't going to change her mind anyway.

isadoradancing123 · 21/10/2019 18:31

Get a bloody grip, its her baby, do you seriously think that she doesnt know that having baby in room with you is recommended? Mind your business, its her baby and her choice

Iamnotagoddess · 21/10/2019 18:48

I did this with all my kids 17, 20 and 22.

They are all fine.

Mind your own business.

ButterPie1 · 21/10/2019 19:06

Just out of interest what would you say?? They are the baby's parents and have already pointed out they made a conscious decision to do this. If the midwife/health visitor had concerns it would be there place to say not yours.

AloeVeraLynn · 21/10/2019 19:07

It's sad and I would worry but I wouldn't say anything. People ignore guidelines all the time, they don't care and telling the otherwise is pointless. Their priority is what suits them at the time. If god forbid anything happened to my babies when they were tiny I would at least be able to say I did my absolute best with the knowledge I had at the time. I don't know how people can be okay with taking known risks in that way, especially ones that are easy to minimise but there you have it.

Iamnotagoddess · 21/10/2019 19:15

The NHS advice is also to not co sleep, but plenty of people here rave about it and think they are above the risk and do it so 🤷‍♀️

Delatron · 21/10/2019 19:27

It’s none of your business. I was just going to post about co-sleeping which seems very popular on here but is more dangerous

Don’t put a letter through her door and don’t tell her gp. Many people choose to sleep separately from their babies for their own reasons. It really is nothing to do with you. Doesn’t make her ‘cold and detached’.

WorldEndingFire · 21/10/2019 19:34

It's not helpful to quote false information. Co sleeping is not recommended against by the NHS - this falsehood stems from a sensationalist story in a tabloid. The study in question found the risk of SIDS increased dramatically when sleeping alongside a parent who had been drinking or using drugs, especially on sofas. There are best practice guidelines on Co-sleeping safely.

"In many of the SIDS cases who had died during co-sleeping, there were several other risk factors present, which the researchers say could explain much of the increased risk. For instance, in 31% of these cases, the parents had recently used either drugs or alcohol (compared to 3% of the normal risk controls). For 17% of these cases, babies were sleeping with their parent on the sofa (compared to 1% of the normal risk controls)."

More here: www.nhs.uk/news/pregnancy-and-child/cot-death-risk-of-shared-sofa-sleeping/

www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/co-sleeping/

Mouikey · 21/10/2019 19:56

Would I choose to do this? No. But I read the guidance and made an assessment and decided that baby would sleep in with us. As it happened we safely coslept from day 2 (even in the hospital), but we made that choice having done the research. Baby is now 3 and a half and still sleeps in with us most nights (last night all night) having moved into her own room about 6 months ago.

She has (I hope) done her research and made her own decisions. She is an adult with a child and entitled to make this decision. I would suggest you respect this even though it differs from your own choices.

TabbyMumz · 21/10/2019 20:09

"I read it called "arms length parenting" once - babies in their own rooms, behind bars in cots and playpens, strapped into chairs and prams. All for the convenience of the parents and modern life."....

Hardly..playpens, high chairs, prams etc have all been available since the 50s...and what are we to do.. not strap them in and carry them everywhere?

woodhill · 22/10/2019 12:16

How would you get anything done without these things. You cannot hold the baby all the time or you can but everything else goes to pot.

Jimdandy · 22/10/2019 14:28

We moved our baby to her own room after 3 weeks.

She was disturbing me with all the snuffling and every time she made a squeak she woke me up then I disturbed her!

We put her in the next room to us with no monitor otherwise I could just hear the snuffling through the monitor. But when she murmured/cried for a feed or comfort I could here her and got up to her.

A few people I know said their baby slept a lot better once they went into their own room before 6 months.

slipperywhensparticus · 22/10/2019 14:33

I had to do it with my first my door wouldn't shut and we had cats we had a monitor strangely said cat was hot of the press every squeak and he would wake me when my ex nearly set the house on fire he woke me and hustled me into her room Grin

lockdrawn · 22/10/2019 14:38

Both the two babies I knew that died of cot death did so in the bedroom they shared with their parents. Sadly if it's going to happen it will happen anywhere regardless of where they sleep so people just need to make their own choices about way suits them, I would definitely not say anything

Witchend · 22/10/2019 14:49

I never needed a monitor to hear mine even in a different room. I still normally wake if they are especially restless in bed or get up to go to the loo and my youngest is 12yo.

Delatron · 22/10/2019 15:03

Yep I never had a monitor. Could hear every peep anyway. I would never have slept a wink with my babies in my room. I am such a light sleeper that every snuffle kept me awake when I was exhausted anyway. You make a considered decision. Me not getting a wink of sleep could have ended up causing an accident.

You’ve had plenty of people on here who have similarly moved theIt babies in to their own bedrooms at an early age for their own reasons. I’m sure SIL has made an informed decision and therefore none of your business to bring up.

Pandainmyporridge · 22/10/2019 15:47

Sadly if it's going to happen it will happen anywhere regardless of where they sleep
Bollocks. And dangerous bollocks too lockdrawn you should think a bit harder.

TabbyMumz · 22/10/2019 17:43

I bet if a survey was done, you would find quite a lot of people put their baby in their own room from an early age.

Pandainmyporridge · 22/10/2019 18:10

I wouldn't doubt that at all. A lot of women smoke when pregnant. And lots of families put their lo in an unsuitable car seat. Should we not aim for better?

avocadotofu · 22/10/2019 18:16

Wow that's awful, maybe they are unaware of the risk of SID? What's your relationship like? It's a tricky thing to discuss because people are so sensitive about their parenting so I'm not sure whether talking to her about it will help.

Krisskrosskiss · 22/10/2019 18:16

It's not what I'd do personally as it's against NHS guidelines... but to say its 'risky' is a big leap. The risk is actually minute. If the sleeping situation is completely safe in ever other way it's really not going to ge a problem.
People should try to follow the guidelines but also do what works best for them....
My son wouldnt sleep any way but on his front when he was born.... that's against NHS guidelines but that's just how it was unfortunately...
Some people make the choice to put the baby in it's own room because that's what gets everyone the best sleep... some people co sleep etc
I'd stay put of it tbh... the risk is not significant enough to ruin a relationship over or stress out an already stressed out new mum who's probably thought about all this anyway...

ViciousJackdaw · 22/10/2019 18:51

Iamnotagoddess Good point.

In any case, if you have a baby who sleeps peacefully, how would you know if it had stopped breathing?

Pandainmyporridge · 22/10/2019 19:16

That shows your ignorance of why the guidelines are in place.
They are not sure entirely what makes the difference in terms of fewer SIDS related deaths I babies who sleep in same room, but current thinking is that hearing you breathe helps regulate the baby's breathing. It's not about you being on the spot to save them if they stop. Though I'm pretty sure even a peacefully sleeping baby makes breathing noises that you would be aware of when sleeping next to them.

Dandelion1993 · 22/10/2019 19:17

Lots of people still do it.

My mum did it with all of us (born 93,95,98).

It's just a different parenting approach and nothing to do with you.

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