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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be baffled as to why women accept this?

174 replies

Atticusblame · 20/10/2019 20:29

I went out for drinks with my friend last night. Her partner has just moved into her flat. I asked how it was going and she said he was very messy and didn't do any housework. She's now given him specific jobs which are his.

She said 'he is tidying up tonight too. He's just asked me to write a list of what needs doing and he said he'll get it done.'

I said nothing, but thought to myself why the fuck do so many women accept this, and actually think it's helpful? Why do they think men cannot see what needs doing as well as they do? Can't they see that it is just so the man gets away with not having to think about anything domestic?

It infuriates me is much. AIBU to think that women shouldn't accept that a man needs a list of housework?

OP posts:
Hydrogenbeatsoxygen · 21/10/2019 07:42

Yes, I've listened to women moaning about how much they have to do. I've suggested they insist on the DH or the teenagers doing more but they refuse to relinquish anything. The reasons for this are usually that "they" can't do it right, or "they" are so slow in actually doing anything it's easier to do it themselves.

PicsInRed · 21/10/2019 07:45

Because we have a biological ticking clock and the game of love is basically supermarket sweep. Once you’ve grabbed your oversized banana you better run to the checkout quick sharp.

Find out it’s rotten later.

Love this - fucking accurate stuff.

Namenic · 21/10/2019 07:48

Everyone has different priorities. For some people it is tidying and for others it is diy, family birthdays, kids homework or whatever. Some people have more stressful jobs than others or are more anxious.

I would prioritise cooking and dishwashing. My husband would do cleaning and tidying. If we want something done we talk to each other and give each other tasks. Might be pathetic but it works...

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 21/10/2019 07:56

I think it could be down to what the person male or female consideres a mess or a high priority chore might not be the same for another person. For example is something does not look neat it is an issue for me. It only becomes an issue for DP once it stops working, is a danger hazzord, or getting in the way of things. In comparison what I consider neat is a far cry from what my mum and grandmother would define as neat etc. That is why both of us if something is bothering us about the house chore wise need to let the other one know. A list helps

ForalltheSaints · 21/10/2019 08:00

Some people work to lists. My first thought upon reading the OPs comments was that many men do no housework.

dootball · 21/10/2019 08:02

It's because so much of the housework doesn't actually need doing anywhere as often as some people want it done.

BlaueLagune · 21/10/2019 08:11

It's because so much of the housework doesn't actually need doing anywhere as often as some people want it done

This! Some people are tidier than others - and it's probably true that women are tidier than men (if my teen son is anything to go by, though I don't have a dd to compare with). OK some people are really lazy but I think in lots of cases it does come down to different "pain thresholds" when it comes to mess.

It would never occur to me to wash the car unless it was completely filthy after say driving down a muddy track but my DH gets really antsy about it after a few weeks and takes it off to our local car wash. In fact I washed my car by hand the other week because I was putting it in part exchange for a newer one. Naturally I didn't do it well enough and DH washed it again!

Loveislandaddict · 21/10/2019 08:14

People also have different approaches. Ie. Dh washes and clears-away as he goes along. I tend to do it all at the end, after eating. Different methods, same end result.

Symptomless · 21/10/2019 08:17

But why is it up to one to conform to the others standards. Surely a compromise is needed?

billy1966 · 21/10/2019 08:25

Massive generalisation alert....

I believe it's deliberate play by a lot of men.

They offer to "help" therefore immediately establishing a level of command that puts them on the lowest rung.

They absolve themselves of any responsibility but will take specific orders/requests to fulfill tasks.

This leaves all management decisions to the woman and gives them the opportunity to bleat " you only have to ask".

So unattractive.

This is annoying when you are just living as a couple but IMO it is a complete marriage killer when you have children.

The trick is to nip it in the bud early or bail.

Sadly a lot of women don't.

IME is it a large factor in divorce.

KatyCarrCan · 21/10/2019 08:35

I don't think it's just about 'women' accepting it. I think we live in a society that doesn't spend the time teaching boys and men how to look after themselves, where they live and the people they live with. Hence there might be a period of adjustment when they move in with someone and learn they actually do need to pull their weight. Of course there are also lazy gits who will try to slide out of it and I don't understand why people indulge them.
fwiw I've never made a list for DH and atm he probably does more 'housework' than I do. When we got together, I told him I wasn't his mother (telling him what to do) or his housekeeper (doing it for him).

Biancadelrioisback · 21/10/2019 08:40

But some people have ridiculous standards as seen on here (just ask about changing bedding or washing towels). If someone has grown up in a quite relaxed house (like my DH did) then they're less likely to be bothered that the towels haven't been washed this week or that the dishwasher is still full. I grew up in a very tidy house so I was used to everything having to be done asap. I've realised that it isn't fair to put my standards on DH so we've met in the middle.
He has his jobs, I have mine, we do each others if needed and have a general quick tidyup before bed. Keeps everything simple and everyone happy

JigsawsAreInPieces · 21/10/2019 08:47

My ex said he would go "stuff" if he only knew what "needed doing" so if I didn't write him a list he wouldn't know...

I didn't. I washed none of his clothes, didn't go shopping, didn't clean, vacuum. Stashed ready meals and snacks out of our freezer in a friend's freezer and then went away on business for a week.

I think it was the lack of beer/peanuts and no clean pants and work clothes that swung it for when I came home he had worked out and done most of a list of chores that he had identified as "needing doing". True, it wasn't a complete list but he seemed to wake up as to the fact that his "mum isn't going to be doing stuff" around our house!

He is an ex for other selfish and spitefully cruel reasons but at least he knows that clothes need washing and the loo needs cleaning regularly etc!

ineedaholidaynow · 21/10/2019 08:51

I think if he has just moved in then he is possibly nervous on treading on toes and getting things wrong.

A friend of mine’s MIL would rock up with a bottle of bleach and bleach everything in sight when she came to visit! She certainly didn’t worry about treading on toes and had very different cleaning standards to anyone we knew (friend’s house was clean by the way).

As others have said the different standards on MN are unbelievable, ranging from those who wash towels as soon as they have been touched to those who wash towels once a month.

A list to start with might not be a bad thing, but hopefully once in a routine will not be needed.

toomuchtooold · 21/10/2019 08:58

All this stuff about different standards and learning each other's routines and stuff is just taking the piss IMO. I've never even met the OP or her friend but I am fairly confident, as I suspect most of the women on this thread would be, that I know about 95 percent of her household chores. Everyone knows that dishes need washed, toilets need cleaned, floors need hoovered and clothes need washed and dried. I guess there is some room for difference in how often you dust and hoover but the majority of the work comes from washing clothes and dishes/kitchen and the very simple rules there are a) clean things according to the label and b) don't leave things in a state where/so long that the other person wil have to do work before they can use them. It's fine to leave your dishes unwashed for days if you live alone, but if you share a house with someone they shouldn't have to clean up after you or wait for you to do it - you leave shared facilities the way you found them.

CardiFree · 21/10/2019 09:09

I'm not proud of it but I am definitely the messier, lazy one in relationships.

I'm a straight female.

Honeyroar · 21/10/2019 09:12

I think you have to understand that other people don't see things exactly the way you do. Your standards are not necessarily right. (I'm not including the people, male and female, that do nothing at all here!). I get wound up about things not getting done way before my husband does. That doesn't mean he won't do it eventually if left, just not as quickly as I might like. I used to get annoyed that I bought all the Xmas presents and organised everything, then I realised it was because I like to know it's all done and wrapped early. He'd do it last minute. It would still get done, but I'd have been worrying that it wouldn't. I think you also have to look at the big picture - things he notices and does before me, he's more practical and fixes or maintains things before I've noticed (sometimes I haven't even noticed he's done it). So yes, sometimes he doesn't do housework as quickly as I'd like, but we're very much a team and put as much into our lifestyle and relationship as each other.

Honeyroar · 21/10/2019 09:14

toomuch if you post a thread asking how often mumsnetters change their sheets, wash up, or clean the loo you'd find we're all different in our standards..

ThatMuppetShow · 21/10/2019 09:18

All this stuff about different standards and learning each other's routines and stuff is just taking the piss IMO.

of course not. Just read the threads about how often you change bedsheet, how much housework do you do a day - there was one where someone got completely ridiculed for doing 1 to 2 hours a day - I still don't get the joke, I do that too!

It's fine to leave your dishes unwashed for days
even living alone, I can't think of anything worst.

I need things done as we go, so the house is always tidy, a messy kitchen only cleaned at the end of the day would drive me absolutely nuts.

DH doesn't do cards. He's not expecting me to write them for him, he never bothers - unless they are for his children. Martyr-wife would translate that as "he expects me to write all his xmas /birthday cards for him". No, he just doesn't do cards, but if I was to insist he sends one to his mum, he would do to humour me.

Some people are happy with shoes in the hall, bed unmade, washing drying all over the house. Nothing wrong in itself, but it would drive me crazy. Should someone who doesn't see the point in making a bed be forced to change their ways?

ineedaholidaynow · 21/10/2019 09:34

My MIL can’t stand having dirty dishes hanging around in the day. She doesn’t have a dishwasher and washes up as she goes.

When she comes to stay with us she struggles with the fact that, unless we have used more pans/crockery than usual, we only wash up once at the end of the day, and that will just be the things that don’t go/fit in the dishwasher. She will invariably wash up during the day when staying with us, even if it just a couple of mugs! She also irons underwear, which is a thing I have never done and never will, life is too short. Her standards are much higher than mine. Luckily DH and I muddle along together.

AngelsSins · 21/10/2019 09:36

More than anything else I think it’s incredibly rude and disrespectful to move into someone else’s house and then not clear up after yourself or do some chores. He sounds like a teenager. Would people be writing helpful lists for women who moved in and behaved like this?

Velveteenfruitbowl · 21/10/2019 09:38

It really does seem like a good half of men are quite useless in this respect. Maybe she can’t find anyone better? Maybe he has redeeming features? Maybe she loves him? You might as well be asking why women accept partners who aren’t perfect high earning, intelligent, attractive, emotionally in touch domestic gods.

ThatMuppetShow · 21/10/2019 09:39

Would people be writing helpful lists for women who moved in and behaved like this?

when that happen, the men are called abusive.... (and rightly so)

lotusbell · 21/10/2019 09:41

Like when you walk into the bathroom and the first thing you see is how much washing there is to do in the basket and a chap walks in and it's invisible? Yep, I've got one who doesn't 'see' what needs doing and will 'gladly' do it if only I were to ask/remind/leave a note. Because he has a bad memory. But my memory is obviously amazing, so amazing that I am able to remember on behalf of everyone else as well as myself. Really gets on my tits. Why do we accept it!

Whattodoabout · 21/10/2019 09:44

Everyone has different priorities in life and sadly for many men, cleaning is not one. It’s like they just don’t see mess or if they do, they choose to step over it. No idea why but most men I have encountered have this attitude, I suspect their Mother’s did everything for them.

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