to not want to bail DH out financially - again.

[Yolo89]

DH was out of work for 10 months a few years back and he has never recovered fully financially. He got into huge debt and did not really keep me in the picture at all. We got a loan out on my account to help but I ended up paying it off using my inheritance as I was a SAHM. It still didn't help. Then one day the tax man turned up with a demand for £30, 000. I had no idea. I was devastated.

This situation has been somewhat sorted but still remains in debt and I have seen him trying to gain credit from all sorts of sources. He tuns out of money each money and has to rely on my inheritance (I am a studying at the moment so not working) and now has just asked me to see if I can take out another loan of £10, 000 which he will pay off. I am not sure if I could get a loan anyway but I am loathe to bail him out again as I'm pretty sure I will end up paying. I am so angry at him as he keeps me in the dark even though I tell him to tell me what is going on and then expects me to bail him out in some way. I feel he needs to sort this on his own. He has problems with depression and alcohol, and is dragging me down in so many ways. It is all a mess. What would you do? I am fragile so please go easy.

woodchuck - the inheritance would have lonh gone if he'd been able to touch it.

We haf a joint acc but he constantly put it into debt sp I got rid of it..He is a liability to me and I now see it is a pattern

He is financially abusing you.

The only thing you can do, if you don't want to drown with him, is to leave. You can't fix anything while he's refusing to engage, gets angry when you try to talk to him, drinks, and gambles.

You are the only person who can change this. It's no good wringing your hands saying "But what can I do?", as you've been given lots of advice. If he refuses to engage, the only sensible thing is to leave.

That's what you do.

Is he actually any good at his job? Depression, alcoholism , his health condition may all affect this. Is he contracting to same company or flitting between. Why can he not get a salaried job, to give a steadier income or at least longer contracts? I don't think continuing to throw money at him as a buffer is addressing the problem and sooner or later your inheritance will be exhausted. If he is actually too ill to be able to work ft can you afford to live the year on your inheritance, and will you easily get work at the end of it which will cover all the outgoings including debt repayments(not just interest).

I speak from experience (me being the shit one with money)...

Let him deal with this shit on his own.

I would also suggest possibly taking a break for a while because at the moment he is dragging you down with him.

I was awful with money, got myself into debt, was constantly living in my overdraft, taking out credit cards I had no business taking out. It wasnt until I left my ex (who would bail me out and use it as some sort of leverage over me) that I suddenly had to deal with it on my own.

It took me a while but I had no one to bail me out and nothing else to blame apart from myself. So the only person that could get me out of it was me. I had to face up to my inadequacies and learn how to manage my own finances.

I couldn't have done it if I hadn't left my ex and stopped being enabled by others.

The financial mess is, in fact, secondary to the fact that he’s an alcoholic.

Alcoholics are chaotic, they make bad decisions, they spend a lot, their employment and ability to work is compromised.

If he will not stop drinking you need to leave him.

Sounds awful.

woodchuck - the inheritance would have lonh gone if he'd been able to touch it.

Why would he need to touch it though? You could just pay your share of the bills with it. Why are his earning "family money" whereas your inheritance just yours? It does sound as if he mismanages money but I'm not sure you are that good either.

I am shocked at some of the responses here suggesting you give the remainder of your inheritance to a lying, alcoholic, gambler. That money is the life raft for you and your DC and you will definitely need it in the coming months.

How long until you finish your masters? If possible I would look at renting your own small place with the DC, in your name only, finishing your masters, and then getting a good job. He is a millstone around your neck and you will lose everything if you stay with him. This isn't a man who loves, respects and cherishes you; he won't even tell you the truth about the debt. He's going to leave you destitute, please protect yourself and your children.

Wjen I say bailimh him out, he's had a few periods of unemployment of up tp 6 months. So I need to cover the rent.

I'm not saying you're being totally unreasonable overall, but this ^ is.

Paying the rent when your partner is unemployed is not "bailing him out", it is covering family expenses. What an odd attitude.

I do really think you need to seek advice. Talking to him to seek transparency as others have suggested isn't going to necessarily help you - on the whole people are not disqualified as as acting as a director by accident / for trivial matters. I'm a solicitor and this is my practice area - it is shocking how many spouses have the rug pulled out from underneath them because they trust their partners. Out of interest how long has he been disqualified for?

Like I said you need to spend some money on decent legal advice - your priority needs to be your kids. whilst I can't comment on the position if you were to divorce (not my area), creditors / the liquidator(s) cannot lay claim to your inheritance unless it's mixed up in which case there may be arguments. Do not let him drag you down / pay for something you don't have to.

I am shocked at some of the responses here suggesting you give the remainder of your inheritance to a lying, alcoholic, gambler. That money is the life raft for you and your DC and you will definitely need it in the coming months.

People aren't saying that she "gives" her inheritance to him though are the. They are suggesting that she doesn't consider paying her share of the bills as "bailing him out"

You told him the first time that never again would he do this to you. He's doing it again and you're scrambling around looking for ways to fix it. Is that what you meant by never having it done to you again?

I'd be focusing on getting rid of him. Been there, thankfully wasn't married but he still managed to bleed me dry and ocassionally chucked me some cash when he'd won a bit at the casino as if that made up for the months of handouts.

He knows I can bail him out due to inheritance and so I have to.

No you don't, @Yolo89.
What you HAVE to do is hang on to whatever inheritance you have left, & ringfence it for you & your children.
I have been here, & it never ends.
If you do not protect your own interests right now - no more bailing out, no more assuming loans - the rest of your security is going to drip away.

See a solicitor about your financial position in the event of divorce.
Keep training, get yourself back into your career, & use whatever you have left to buy a house - in YOUR name only.

You have done enough, & neither DH or the situation are ever going to change until you take drastic action.

Have you done a credit and debt check? Do it on each of your names and on your address. It should give you a good idea of what is owed. Has he taken out debt in your name?

www.moneyadvisor.co.uk/debt-help/how-to-find-out-what-debts-you-have-and-how-much-money-you-owe/

Do not give him any money, he will piss it up the wall on drink and gambling. What the hell does he need 10 grand for?

Once you have done the credit checks, please contact stepchange, they will help you. If you stay with him, the only way forward is you controlling the finances.

OP - are your household bills covered for this month? Rent, electricity, water, council tax, etc If I was you I would make sure those were covered just so that you and the children are safe and secure. But pay them yourself - don't give him the money.

If he says he needs any more money then I think he needs to be prepared to sit down with you - and with any relevant paperwork - and go through exactly what the money is for.

Having known a few alcoholics, I suspect that the money is going on alcohol. It may only seem like a small amount at any one time but it soon adds up - and alcoholics never see how much they have spent. I think the alcoholism is an issue that seriously needs addressing before this will get any better.

Guys like this do not just get all the bills paid and then remain solvent for ever without any engagement with anyone who needs to know. My ex is a guy like this. When I divorced him, he immediately found another woman to bleed dry. He made a killing out of our shared property, which shot up in value in the months after I divorced him. Hasn't stopped him from running up numerous credit cards in the years since.

Pay the Council Tax immediately.
Contact Stepchange.
Consider separating and starting again by yourself. You will end up ill yourself with the stress of it all otherwise.

If he won't even discuss the extent of his indebtedness with you, I think it's fairly safe to assume it's worse than you think.
He will not change, he will fund his alcohol addiction and gambling before anything else.
The only hope you have is to use your inheritance to move out with your DC, he will either sink or swim. If he refuses to engage with you, I think you should say to yourself he is not your responsibility, you and your DC must come first.

I will tell you why it feels like bailing him.out. He has had a few periods of unemployment between contracts. More than you should have. Most people seem.to be able to find ongoing work but he has not all the time for whatever reason. So I guess there us resentment about not having a steady job, therefore it feels like bailing him.. I was in a situation where it was hard to get a job in.my field amd get childcare needed for the hours - would have meant a nanny. And made it worthwhile. Guess this is why I feel like im vailing him.out also as im.using my inheritqnce.

He has bern.disqualified since last year but my money is in another country so it may be harder to get.

I am.really imterested to know as this situation has really worsened on all levels this year in.terns of MH. So do I just give up pn.the guy?? I get I dont want to be bled dry but id like to try to fix it first but is going to need drastic action. In so many areas
I need someone that can help with everything!

Can I get my name off the council tax? My name is not on.the lease.

I agree with all that you are sayinvg and I don't think.he will change. I need to take control. I have trusted he was doing the right thing but clearly not

You can’t take your name off as you live in the property and are over 18. While you are a student you may be exempt from having to pay it, but you are still named

What is really stopping you leaving this man in all honesty

You have finances in your inheritance and no CCJ’s in your name

What is stopping you calling a rental agent tomorrow and renting your own house with 6 months rent up front?

Your determination to save for your DC education is screwing you over - that opportunity is gone for now and you need to let it go, as sad and frustrating as that is. It’s not going to happen like you planned

I don’t actually think there is anything you can do to save this situation because he needs to engage and he just doesn’t want to

Hard as it is to hear - the only option you seem to have is starting over by yourself

Disqualified from ? Either you use your inheritance money to cover living costs while you study (as you might if earning) on condition that he comes clean, stops drinking and uses his income to pay his work costs and pay off debt (with help from stepchange etc), Or you cut your losses and leave now, returning abroad with dc if needs be. Tbh he sounds as if he is unwilling to help himself or support you, to the point of being abusve.

Will he stop drinking and address the debt?

If not, leave.

That's it.

You don't need to know any more than that. You don't need to try any more than that.

Give him an ultimatum:

Stop drinking. Show me the finances. If not I will leave.

If he does not do BOTH, leave.

So do I just give up pn.the guy??
Yes. Unless he stops drinking and addresses the problems with you.

I get I dont want to be bled dry but id like to try to fix it first but is going to need drastic action. In so many areas
I need someone that can help with everything!
You're right that you cannot fix this alone.
But the only person who can help you to fix this DOES NOT WANT TO.
You almost certainly cannot make him want to.

So you are left with what can YOU do on your own?