to not want to bail DH out financially - again.

[Yolo89]

DH was out of work for 10 months a few years back and he has never recovered fully financially. He got into huge debt and did not really keep me in the picture at all. We got a loan out on my account to help but I ended up paying it off using my inheritance as I was a SAHM. It still didn't help. Then one day the tax man turned up with a demand for £30, 000. I had no idea. I was devastated.

This situation has been somewhat sorted but still remains in debt and I have seen him trying to gain credit from all sorts of sources. He tuns out of money each money and has to rely on my inheritance (I am a studying at the moment so not working) and now has just asked me to see if I can take out another loan of £10, 000 which he will pay off. I am not sure if I could get a loan anyway but I am loathe to bail him out again as I'm pretty sure I will end up paying. I am so angry at him as he keeps me in the dark even though I tell him to tell me what is going on and then expects me to bail him out in some way. I feel he needs to sort this on his own. He has problems with depression and alcohol, and is dragging me down in so many ways. It is all a mess. What would you do? I am fragile so please go easy.

OP, you can only work as a team when you are both honest with each other, which he isn't. To amass a £30K tax bill, he would have been earning a fortune, or hasn't paid his taxes for several years. To have spent £30K on living expenses whilst unemployed for a few months at a time, is horrendous. Neither of those scenarios make much sense.

More likely, after your updates, is that he has a gambling problem. He also has a drinking problem. He needs to get help for his various problems, or he will drag you down with him.

If you love him, then persuade him to get help, but if he can't manage money, then you need to be in total control of all money that comes in.

The most worrying comment of all of yours, is the fact that he wants £5K for a "buffer zone"..... nobody needs a buffer zone of that amount. He will gamble it all away and you will be stuck with a £10K loan in your name.

I once transferred someone's debt into my name on a 0% card to help them out and they just built the debt up again. It was an awful betrayal. They were helped by family with loans to repay debts but just built them up again and took out bigger loans.

He has to face up to this once and for all and seek help. Contact Stepchange ASAP.

LIZS - Disqualified from ?

I presume that OP means that her DH is disqualified from being a Company Director and can no longer own his own business - probably as a result of his previous tax irregularities.

OP I would not give him more money unless he commits to 100% transparency. You may need the money to keep a roof over your kids' heads.

It sounds like he has serious alcohol and gambling problems - he spent the money you gave him on drinking with workmates? He is clearly not attempting to save money and needs to seek help for his addictions.

TBH I doubt if he can change - he will just lurch from crisis to crisis.

He has just come home and is now telling me that his parents and his counsellor think I put him down all the time and he then called me crazy. I am beyond desparate.

He feels this is all my fault or a lot my fault. He is so delusional it is a joke. This is all he brings up and he yells. He can't admit he is the one with most of the problem. He just can't.

I am feeling desparate now. If I had family here I would leave now.

OP, you have the money
You are actually way more in control than you realise.
He’s losing control which is why he is being this way he is trying to force you to give in

Yes company director. He didn't even tell me that. As I said I found out by googling as I suspected.

He just says I pummel him into the ground and make him feel low but I feel he has done this to himself.Too many stuff ups and he expects me to act normally? He just came home and wasn't sure what DC had done today - ie thought they were at the place they are going tomorrow. He seems very angry like lost it. He wont admit he has the lions share of the problems in this marriage. He really thinks I am deluded and it is all me.

How is this making me give in? By telling me I am crazy? This just pushes me away.

He is desperate. You are a cash cow to him. Sounds like he will do / says what he thinks will be enough to make you give in. Seriously protect the financial security of your kids. I see and hear people like him all the time - full of talk that very often comes to nothing whilst a poor unsuspecting spouse has been kept in the dark and has the rug pulled out from underneath them. You're lucky you don't jointly own a house or you'd be at real risk of losing it.

Only he can help himself. If he has additictions in addition to debts / disqualification and you put your hand in your pocket you could lose everything for frankly no real reason / benefit to yourself. Think of your kids and do not enable him. Doesn't sound like he will appreciate your help anyway.

I don’t understand how you went from financing the family and being in control to completely oblivious? You must have a good understanding of how much the house costs to run etc if you we’re doing it so well for the family before?

How did he take over and it all go to pot without you having a clue?

I think you were happy to let him deal with this, he’s messed it up and now you don’t want to support him. You’re both to blame, you’ve both ignored what is a joint problem.

You need to sit down and look at everything and figure out a plan. I’m sorry, I don’t buy this apathetic he won’t tell me crap. You’ve made it clear you’ve previously been financially independent so you can’t be naive to all this.

He sounds like a man struggling to hold it
together, you sound like it’s become hard work and so you’re looking for a way out. IMO this is not what marriage and family is about.

Apologies if you know this but the following link an be used to:

1. Search his name and the disqualification details - length of disqualification is determined by level of dishonesty;

1. Company appointments (directorships) he had - this will then link you to any companies and liquidator details.

beta.companieshouse.gov.uk/?_ga=2.35374053.592161401.1571684718-1815828374.1571684718

He’s trying to push you and grind you down into breaking into what he wants

Was the 30k hmrc debt from the business? Is he now registered as self employed, and paying tax and ni?

Fun - no you don't have it quite right, when I was working full time and supported the move it was all pre-kids and we were renting. I was earning a good contract rate and was able to pay our way over here and support us both for a while.

So it hasn't really gone to pot in terms of me. I left a country where I had a good job then pretty fast became a SAHM and DH earnt a good wage and it was all great until he had this long period of unemployment then periods since. The debt had built up - I knew there was some debt but no idea of £30,000 racked up over a few years. I asked many times to sit down. He would not. How do you force someone when you don't know exactly what is going on as they have the income. I trusted he was doing the right thing or at least he would talk to me. He bottled it up. I asked many times.

I am sorry but I feel it was on him to tell me. I asked.

I am not saying he is 100% responsible but he could have stood up and spoken. He doesn't talk about anything.

I think if you’re parting with several thousands of pounds and have no idea why then you’ve got to be pretty naive, like I said I don’t think you are.

You must have known that no work and bills to pay create a deficit. I think you’ve both buried your heads.

Fun - I didn't know he was in that much of a debt as his family helped us out. Not that clear cut sorry.

Plus when he went through the long period of unemployment, he had help from family (not huge) plus didn't pay rent for six months. The landlord never checked so didn't notice.

So Fun - is not that clear cut.

LIZS - yes debt is from the business. Now he works for an umbrella so they take the tax before he can do anything with it.

I think posters are just saying that overall, it’s got into a mess over a long period and there is some responsibility on both sides for it
I think your mistake is allowing him all of these chances when he hasn’t shown any interest in sorting it out properly so all this time down the line you are no further on than when you started

LIZS - I have found it on Companies House though cannot find how long it lasts for?

I also see my name as an officer not resigned as I was the secretary. Is this bad? Anything I should do?

LIZS - how serious are things in terms of 2 year, 4 years, 5 years etc

You seem to believe you’re blameless in this with no sense of responsibility. If my in laws were giving my DH money, I’d want to know why and whether my family was in a mess.

The DC aren’t yours alone, they’re children of the family and you have a responsibility to provide for them too. Squeezing your eyes shut and not acting on the obvious signs wasn’t going to help.

You’ve had some good advice, I hope you manage to tackle this and don’t just up and leave with your DH left with debt from your day to day living expenses whilst you have studied and enjoyed a good lifestyle.

I think you should leave him, take your children and go back home, where you can get a job to support yourself.

He will not change - at least not for the better.

You need to leave him. You cannot fixthings while he's not willing to be transparent, and if he's an alcoholic (hiding beer all over the house) then he's the only one who can fix his problems.

To get your name off the council tax, you will need to move out. When you move out, as a student, you are exempt from paying council tax (but check if that's applicable to you doing a Masters). When you're working, as a single parent, you'll get a 25% reduction, and may be eligible for help with paying the rest.

But first, you need to leave him, and get your own place.

He just says I pummel him into the ground and make him feel low

Then it’s best for him as well as you that you split up.

I don’t know why you’re hesitating.

You have money for a rental deposit and rent up front (inheritance). Get that money, find a flat and move.

You can’t make him take ‘responsibility’. He won’t let you take responsibility fully (he just wants money).

Go.

If the money I leaves behind when I'm dead goes on some deceitful bastards debt, that he gas lights his partner about, I'd come back and haunt them.

What exactly are you staying in the relationship for?

He doesn't give a shit about you.

And I'm being mean to be helpful. I hope.

If he wants your continued help and support, he needs to give you full disclosure. Full stop.

If he chooses not to, you need to secure yours and your children's lives before you give him any additional money:

• Would your remaining inheritance cover the rent (plus bills/food) on a small apartment until you finish your course?

• What are your current childcare arrangements? Could you afford to continue with them through the remainder of your course?

• Does your uni have a student centre that might be able to help with childcare / living expenses?