to not want to bail DH out financially - again.

[Yolo89]

DH was out of work for 10 months a few years back and he has never recovered fully financially. He got into huge debt and did not really keep me in the picture at all. We got a loan out on my account to help but I ended up paying it off using my inheritance as I was a SAHM. It still didn't help. Then one day the tax man turned up with a demand for £30, 000. I had no idea. I was devastated.

This situation has been somewhat sorted but still remains in debt and I have seen him trying to gain credit from all sorts of sources. He tuns out of money each money and has to rely on my inheritance (I am a studying at the moment so not working) and now has just asked me to see if I can take out another loan of £10, 000 which he will pay off. I am not sure if I could get a loan anyway but I am loathe to bail him out again as I'm pretty sure I will end up paying. I am so angry at him as he keeps me in the dark even though I tell him to tell me what is going on and then expects me to bail him out in some way. I feel he needs to sort this on his own. He has problems with depression and alcohol, and is dragging me down in so many ways. It is all a mess. What would you do? I am fragile so please go easy.

Come off it, the £30k tax debt presumably was paying for all of your living expenses while he was unemployed? So it is all of your debt. How in the world did you think be was paying for everything? Did you not think you should step up and help? He hasn't been pissing it up the wall on credit cards by the sounds of it.

Honestly, he sounds like a desperate man spiralling. All was rosy, he supported you all financially etc, then got made unemployed. But was expected to keep paying, so used his tax money. And now has a drink problem and sounds stressed out of his mind. While you start a master's and sit on an inheritance talking about bailing Him out of His debt.

If he genuinely gets too angry to talk to then that is another matter, but you have had your head in the sand about family finances and are now totally blaming him. What's his is yours and what's your's is your own eh?

I also agree with @shadowOnTheSun

The only way to get out of this spiral is to go to citizens advice or similar, to get a financial plan together and deal with creditors etc. The only other option is bailiffs and zero inheritance left. If he won’t go to get help then I’d leave.

OP if it helps you be strong think of how hard the person who left you the money had to work to earn it. Then think how easily your DH can spend it....

Barren - his family and mine gave him money whilst unemployed. I tried desparately to get a job in my field with little success as it was around the time of the crisis plus I had moved countries and the skills didn't transfer easily. The Masters is only a recent thing and it feels like the only way out if I'm honest - no luxury. I'd prefer to work. In hindsight I should have taken any job whilst he was unemployed but then how does he look for a job when he has to look after a child full time. It is not as simple as it seems.

He does not talk to me about anything. I have asked so many times to sit down and talk finances and he wont. I don't know exactly what debitors he has. I open letters where he has applied for finance and I see emails from his personal email popping up with demands even last week and then paypal transactions from pubs.

He is playing the victim. He has never fully disclosed anything so it feels how can I take responsibility and feel responsible for something I was not fully aware of and did not fully cause - ie if we had talked about it, we could have found a solution together.

He will take every penny off you and leave you owing more if you dont get away now.

Get away. He is clueless about money and because you bailed him out, he has learned nothing.

That money belongs to you and your children and he has squandered it. Get away and get financial advice from a debt restructuring advisor. You are in deep shit here with this man. Save yourself.

MzHz - we have been together for 15 years and moved countries to have an experience and have never moved back. The move was driven by me and I financed it all. DH was totally onboard and wanted to do it too.

WallyWally - thanks for the support re: Masters. It really is the only way I can create a new living and make a decent wage.

You are right - his transport is paid and he could take lunch. He got upset me with me a few months back when I have him a small amount each day so he couldn't spend it on alcohol. He felt so low that week but I just couldn't handle over money. I sae Paypal receipts for alcohol during work hours last week - he said it was a team lunch I don't buy it.

*hand over money

Clutterbug - he didn't even know he had a CCJ until we applied to rent a property. He knew he had the debt not the CCJ.

If he were willing to work together, be open with you about finances, get some help for his MH and alcohol problems and get some proper financial advice on managing the debts, then I would say you should use your inheritance to pay off debt as you should normally have joint finances if he is supporting the family while you are a sahm.

In this case it sounds like he is so unreliable I would not trust him so I think you need to take steps to protect yourself and the dc before he drags you deeper into debt.

Clutter - I agree. Full disclosure or nothing going forward.

You have both made a series of bad decisions, and no doubt also had some bad luck along the way.

That’s what happens to a lot of people who get into problematic debt.

Now you have a gambling and alcohol problem with your DH yo contend with.

Quite honestly, I cannot understand why you have not insisted on full transparency over finances before now.

As it is I would leave. If you divorce you’ll get full transparency, eventually. You may also lose your inheritance.

Tell him in no uncertain terms - unless I see ALL the bank accounts, ALL the debts, proof of your income and ALL the bills we owe I will move out. And mean it.

I couldn’t live like this. From both sides, actually. He is deceptive and obviously has some issues with controlling alcohol. But you sound quite selfish and “me me me” when your DH has been struggling with the cost of supporting you. You are happy to take his salary, but not his debts.

seaweed - why do I sound selfish? Really?
He has never fully disclosed anything. I was a SAHM and he agreed on this. I tried to get a job and it was very difficult. Now I am trying to get back into work. How can I be selfish if he never fully disclosed the problems?

I have asked for transparency and to sit down and talk about it - he just wont. He gets very angry. It has reached a critical point now and I am sorry it has got this far. I am just not like him - I wouldn't hide things. So it has taken me a long while to realise DH has been hiding things. If you wouldn't act the same, then you don't immediately assume things.DH could have sat down with me years ago and said this is the status. This is what we need to do. Instead he says nothing, then we plan a holiday (or I plan it and pay for most of it) then he explodes and says we cant afford to be doing this. So why not come to me and say this to begin with?????? He doesn't speak then explodes. He does this with everything.

I believe if you are happy to live off his wage, you should be happy to contribute to his debt. Simple as that. I couldn’t live in a marriage where my spouse talked about “my” debts, where those debts were incurred paying my partner’s share of the costs of our family. That you don’t see it that way surprises me.

But he sounds selfish as well.

Teacake - in an ideal world I would like to do this. He is seeking some help but he needs help in every area. He can't see his accountability in all of this. I would so like to sit down and sort this out together.

But at the moment he is unreliable at best/ He gets his pay and then I see amazaon parcels arriving of the same things he keeps losing each month. He has had his phone stolen when he was drunk and a few months ago he passed out on a footpath after drinking and had his backpack stolen and was woken up by a homeless man.

Imagine me as a mother engaging in this sort of behaviour?

seweed - I do take your point, however if your partner very much conceals the debt from you until it reaches crisis point, then by this point I really don't feel responsible for the mess. He has had ample time to talk to me about it and has never engaged. Though I have tried ample times to set aside time. He always has an excuses - like that you get tired in the evening, that you get so upset I want to shield you from it.

So when someone turns up with a bill for £30, 000, I don't feel responsible for this situation.

Do you see where I am coming from at all?

you have an inheritance - why don't you use that money to move you and the dc out of your expensive flat....in your name not his and could your family loan you the money to fund your masters until you work...?.
(although many people do masters and also work)
you will not get housed by the council if you are evicted with rent arrears...

I think your priorities now should be paying your rent/moving somewhere with dc you can afford and getting some work... are the dc at school?

or maybe thats the conversation he has with you.... its either all on the table and you work together to make a plan and you control all money or you leave with the DC

I wouldnt take dh with me with that level of lies and deceit£30k here/£10 k there.... this is really damaging to your DC

I do, but if the money was spent on supporting you and his children, it’s your responsibility whether or not he lied. He sounds very difficult and I am not imagining you are going to want to stay in the relationship, but I still believe the debt is yours as well as his, unless he spent it all on the drink. But it doesn’t sound quite like that to me.

Yolo I understand your answers to my post.
I guess, unless he works with you to find a solution to getting through this together, it's over.

If that is the case, start the divorce ball rolling today because it is simply another day wasted before you are free.

(As PP have said, prepare to lose half your inheritance via the courts. I wonder what the difference us between that & the amount you would "lose" paying off all current debts? That would be the financial value of your marriage.)

So what are you going to do, OP?

Your husband is an alcoholic with massive debts. He sounds about a step away from losing his job if he doesn’t quit drinking - you say he drinks at lunchtime and has passed out unconscious outside.

Will you leave?

Dear god save yourself, he is a sinking ship and will ruin your life and take you down with him

OP..the only way you are both going to get out of this mess is to talk.You cannot solve.either of you what you don;t know about. Leaving the debts aside it doesn;t sound like a warm loving family orientated equal respectful relationship on either of your parts. You need to be functioning as a team both of you doing whats best for each other...you both seem miles apart. There is no reason on gods earth as to why this cannot be easily sorted but if your talking to a brick wall it never will be.Thats when you have to make a decision about where you see your future.If the communication isnt there then nothing else is. I would try for a final time to ask him to please sit down with you to find a solution. My husband and I got in a mess a couple of years ago at the end of the day it didnt matter who's fault it was it needed sorting and we needed a plan of getting out of the mess we were in.Note I said WE..cos its team us here.There is no point going over old ground if you want to be together you both have to focus on whats coming next for you all and the kids.This is not unsermountable and you could both literally just start again together from scratch but you both need to be on the same page and desire it to happen.Sadly in your case it seems he isnt even reading the same book ass you never mind being on the same page! Total complete honesty and no accusations are the way forward here..sort out if you can your marriage first then sort the finances.When was the last time you laughed together ?When did you both just do a daft thing just cos you could? Rock solid marriages can survive anything but you need that foundation of trust respect and honesty to begin with...without that you cannot move forward either of you and you will be as you are now stuck in a cycle of anger and just shit really.Thing is all this is well and good if its recipriocated..heneeds to open up to you as do you him .....I wish you well.If you both deep down care enough about each other and your family you will find a way.If not then you need to call it a day cos it will never work....

I can understand the frustration at his lack of disclosure but it seems that it is almost an inevitable consequence of the way you keep your finances so separate. If you are married then your inheritance belongs to both of you and your attitude that you are "bailing him out" when he has been paying or the bills while you earn very little is very odd. It seems that both of you are pretty clueless about finances. If you don't know anything about the finances and bills how do you know that he is mismanaging money? Maybe he doesn't earn as much as you think. Maybe the bills are more than you think.

I think that unless you take charge of the family finances this hole will go on getting bigger. Full disclosure and letting you take the reins of financial matters should be the quid pro quo for continuing the marriage.

Wjen I say bailimh him out, he's had a few periods of unemployment of up tp 6 months. So I need to cover the rent. Which is huge
i think he knows it is there now.

I have spent a lot covering his unempliyment when he shpuld not be unemployed.He earns a high day rate and I just have no.idea why it lasts two weeks out of 4.

I dont want to leave and not sure how I wpuld financially but there us no relationship right now with his depression etc..He blames everything on me and takes no responsibility. I am reallly at a loss.