to not want to bail DH out financially - again.

[Yolo89]

DH was out of work for 10 months a few years back and he has never recovered fully financially. He got into huge debt and did not really keep me in the picture at all. We got a loan out on my account to help but I ended up paying it off using my inheritance as I was a SAHM. It still didn't help. Then one day the tax man turned up with a demand for £30, 000. I had no idea. I was devastated.

This situation has been somewhat sorted but still remains in debt and I have seen him trying to gain credit from all sorts of sources. He tuns out of money each money and has to rely on my inheritance (I am a studying at the moment so not working) and now has just asked me to see if I can take out another loan of £10, 000 which he will pay off. I am not sure if I could get a loan anyway but I am loathe to bail him out again as I'm pretty sure I will end up paying. I am so angry at him as he keeps me in the dark even though I tell him to tell me what is going on and then expects me to bail him out in some way. I feel he needs to sort this on his own. He has problems with depression and alcohol, and is dragging me down in so many ways. It is all a mess. What would you do? I am fragile so please go easy.

"...He gets angry if I try and say you need to do this etc..."

"...I am still in the dark and he shows no signs of letting me know what is going on..."

You don't seem to understand that he has no right whatsoever to refuse you this information.

He has no right to withhold financial information that impacts you and your nuclear family together. He especially has no right to withhold that information when he's expecting you to (once again) bail him out.

I'm blown away, absolutely blown away, that you gave him a 'loan' the first time and allowed him to get away without him giving a detailed picture of his financial circumstances.

Google financial infidelity and financial abuse.

He is behaving utterly irresponsibly. He knows your inheritance money is there to bail him out, and so he has no incentive to get his act together.

Honestly, at this point this is not a mere situational blip but a life pattern on his part.

He didn't pay his taxes for long enough that he accrued a £30 000 debt.
He didn't pay the bank loan back.
He didn't pay you back.
He's still spending discretional money on alcohol etc., and is still falling short of monthly responsibilities.

If keeping his promises to you was important to him, why hasn't he gotten a second job to start paying back your loan?

It's not like he parents his children on the weekend.

Do not risk you and your children's future further by pouring money down this sink.

All you're doing by giving in to the emotional manipulation and pressure (oh, look at me crying, you must give me yet more money to spend on alcohol) is enabling him and delaying the inevitable.

That discomfort that he's feeling is the right and natural consequence of continually behaving irresponsibly.

If you take away that discomfort, what true impetus has he has for change?

Hint: you already did it once before, and look where it has got you, years later.

Ex I am really sorry you went through that - sounds awful. I see transactions pop up for gambling pop up on my laptop as his email is linked. And beers hidden all around the house. It is just a hot mess.
I was a SAHM taking care of his children, having worked for years successfully before and I was the one that paid everything for us to move countries and paid for him when he lost a job when we got here. I have done my fair share of supporting him.
The worst bit of this is the lack of transparency and the lies. I still don't as I type now know the full picture. He hasn't even been able to pay all the rent this month, it is dire.

Just on the Council Tax, you asked about if you could separate it. I work in Council Tax admin, if you are both named on the bill, you are jointly & severally liable for the full amount plus any arrears accrued on the account in both names. Put simply, the Council will pursue both of you for the full amount, regardless of who has paid or not paid their share. So you are liable for the full amount outstanding, not half of it.

@Yolo89
From a different angle -
Do you love him? Do you want to share your lives & DC together?

If you answer Yes then it's clear to me what you need to do, even though I know it's not going to be popular here- Assuming the inheritance is enough to cover ALL debt, wherever it came from, then pay it off now.

The debt will be attracting interest which obviously just makes the problem worse (& is probably, understandably, contributing to his poor MH).

Ringfence the remaining money to protect it for your DCs future.

Then the two of you need to start again, in every way.

Of course, if you don't love him & don't want to be with him, divorce.

Ce - I agree sadly with all you are saying. It all rings true. What do I do this week when he literally has no money until next Monday?

Don't, my ex did this repeatedly and eventually left me when I refused to bail him out the last time. I had 20 years of this and they don't change.
I could have retired easily at 55 but because of his repeated debt I now have to work until I'm 70 and had to give him a lot of money in the divorce settlement and also face my retirement years alone.
They are not worth it. You'd be better off divorcing him before he destroys you.

Rosey - I do love him but as he is so depressed etc his personality etc has gone. He lies. I don't respect him any more and I feel very dragged down. I cant do as you say as I have given so much already. I just cant. It leaves me with not much.

What does he need money for this week OP?

Kick him out. Otherwise, when he has taken every penny he can from you, he will find another woman with money in the bank and move in on her.

HE sells stuff on Facebook or Ebay.
Honestly, just leave now. It's what you'll end up doing eventually, you can just choose to do it with or without your money.

As soon as you said he wanted a "buffer of 5 grand" I thought, bet he is a gambler as well as a drinker.

Seriously, do not lend a gambler anything. He'll keep spending and keep coming back for more until it's all gone.

Leave him The situation will be a Mill stone around your neck until you do
See a solicitor/ Financial advisor to see if there's a way to protect your inheritance first

Ok haven’t read full thread, and hate drip feeding but you are saying he is not earning enough to cover your joint outgoings, you have decided to be a sahm and study, and are not prepared to help him out

Then there’s the usual lot saying don’t help him, don’t spend your money bailing him out, don’t you think some of this debt is because you are a sahm and you can’t afford to be? How do you expect him to pay for everything?

You have a choice, get a job, or use your inheritance to contribute to the daily cost of living

I do get that you were raising your children while he was working, but when he lost his job that was a time for belt tightening and for you both to get a job, any job, to pay the bills. Living off credit cards and overdrafts for 10 months would plunge anyone into massive debt.

When the 30,000 bill arrived, I do think it was appropriate to use your inheritance to pay that off. It's crazy sitting on savings for school fees when you have that kind of debt.

I think the drinking and gambling are related to the stress of the debt. And I think it must also be stressful living with so much debt while your OH has savings and isn't working.

I'm not placing all the blame on the OP, but I still don't get how people think she is going to survive financially if she leaves him on a weekend job.

Honesty is so important in a marriage. You both need to:

1. List all debts and assets
2. List all your current income and outgoings
3. Develop a plan to pay off this debt
4. Stick to the plan!

If the marriage isn't working and you both can't do the above, then separation is probably your best bet, but I think you are going to need to seriously rethink how you are living and how you are going to support yourself as a lone parent. You both need to face reality! Good luck to you It's a tough situation.

He also needs to stop. No gambling, no drinking.

The fact that he is throwing money away gambling in his situation is utterly unforgivable.

I'm a placid person by I would be positively incandescent on that.

That fact, even more than anything else, shows how critical it is that you not give him more money.

Look at where he's at mentally - he's a husband and father with commitments and debts who has sponged off his wife and let her down repeatedly.

If he were actually interested in and motivated to change, and sorry for his failures, he'd be frugal and conscientious and diligently working away at his debt to you and others.

Instead, he's irresponsibly wasting money on alcohol and recklessly throwing more away on thrill-seeking gambling and now wants to 'borrow' yet more of his wife's money to continue doing so.

I had gambler/loss-chaser alarm bells ringing after your earlier post when you said he wanted a 'buffer' and still hadn't given you a full financial accounting, but forgot to write about it, sorry.

Personally, I would :

• Demand he request a credit report right in front of me
• (Quietly) Seek legal advice to determine what, if any, exposure I had with respect to his debts
• Remove him or myself from joint cards, accounts etc., and change all the passwords to mine
• Change my email password and 2 step/backup authentication, or preferably, set up a new email address for everything to go to so that he can't finagle access
• Then I'd be looking to move out as soon as humanly possible.

I'm in Australia so I'm not sure about what services there might be to advise you, perhaps other posters will chime in.

but you need to accept that he cannot or will not be the partner you deserve nor the father your child deserves, and start taking serious concrete steps to disentangle yourself from him.

I don't know what the answer is about this month's expenses.

If you'll be homeless without paying the rent and have nowhere else to stay, and can't move before it's due, then do what you need to as a temporary stop-gap measure, but only to give yourself time to line up your ducks.

But do not give him any discretional income whatsoever.

He can take lunches and coffees rather than buy. He can walk to work or arrange lifts. If that is utterly impossible, give him the train or bus fair daily, not in one lump sum - again, only to give yourself time to get organised.

He needs to feel the results of his behaviour, not be cushioned from it.

If he was a director of a company that went into liquidation and has been disqualified, it is very likely that the liquidator investigating the affairs of the company will have valid claim(s) against him.

The sums he is asking for could be the tip of the iceberg (either he knows this, or has yet to receive full details of the claim because investigations are ongoing). To be frank, unless you have assets (jointly owned property) You May want to consider allowing things run their course and allow creditors to make him bankrupt (if he does owe HMRC money, they will be quite aggressive about it and pursue bankruptcy). Otherwise you'll just be throwing good money after bad. Rather than handing money over to him, spend some on some good legal advice re ring fencing your assets away from the reach of your husband.

£5000 buffer LMAO. It will be gone by Christmas.

No disclosure no money. If it is salvageable you need to be fully in control of the money.

Is he now an employee? Does he have a salary?

He expects you to bail him out without you knowing the full picture?

Whilst I agree that some of the debt is yours and you seem quite blase about him having to fund everything, it's unacceptable not to have full transparency.

He lies and you can't trust him. You aren't communicating well. I can't see this marriage lasting unless he realises how close he is coming to losing you. It's a complete mess. You'll likely lose half the inheritance anyway.

If he's gambling and drinking what difference would the op have made getting any job? He was just going to spend it all anyway and rack up debt. And she has one part time btw.

She's done the best thing improving her career prospects by studying. Op leave him, get a job in your field as soon as you can and let him sort his own mess out. You can't take out loans when you have no idea what they're being spent on and you suspect gambling. Someone has to be financially responsible and it's not going to be him.

Put your inheritance money into an account that you can't access

What would you both do if you had no inheritance cushion to fall back on ?

Suggest don't get another loan. You need to live on your current incomes

One of you get a second job

Full financial disclosure today !

It's time for him to admit what debit he is in and to get help restructuring it. My feeling is that he has never learned to manage money, always had money growing up or that his parents baled him out in the past.

He has already got a lump of your inheritance to pay off debts and you then find he owes £30,000 to the tax man.
Now he expects you to bale him out again. The truth is you need to keep your inheritance for yourself and your kids.
I would tell him you want to know about all his debits and your going to any meetings about his debits. Tell him you have no choice but to do this as his debits effect you all.
He either tells you the truth or you need get away from him as quick as possible. He will end up using what ever inheritance you have now and be taking a lot of your salary in the future to clear off his debits.
Some people never learn from their mistakes and keep making the same ones again. Then they expect some one else to clear up after their mess. I had a friend who got into debt and she got out of it by living on a tight budget until the debit was paid off.

I think there are issues on both sides here.

You have your head firmly in the sand re needing to get a job. Even if you keep studying, you need one.

It seems sensible to use the inheritance to pay off debt. As he is providing for you I think this is fine.

But, and it's a big but, he is clearly catastrophically bad with money, and not well mentally, and I am not sure you have the full picture of his finances even now.

So I can see how you'd feel you are throwing good money after bad.

I think I would either leave or give one more chance, not taking a loan but seeking financial help together and seeing where it takes you, but one more lie and out the door.

Honestly not sure which I'd choose.

Can you tell us how long you’ve been together, what drove the moving countries and who was the person who made this happen?

You do need legal advice because he could divorce you and TAKE half your money which would sort him out enough in his eyes.

You can’t trust him. He’s a liar, an alcoholic and a gambler. He will rinse you and your dc dry, and then move on to find another source of income.

To stop this, there needs to be a “rock bottom” he’s not reached it, not even close...

@Yolo89 I understand about you doing the masters. I live in France: I’ve got lots of British friends here who have either done or are doing a local qualification, despite them having plenty of degrees and experience from the UK. Often, local employers want a local qualification, if you want to develop a proper career - and a Masters is the easiest way to do it (1yr).

Re. Yr husband. I think you know that you need to leave him. Working out how to do it without losing even more money should be yr priority. In either case, you need full and total disclosure from him.

What do I do this week when he literally has no money until next Monday?

What does he actually need money for? People in normal lives often go several days without spending any money. If it’s bus fares so he can get to work, I would give him the exact amount. Lunches? Pack ups.

You need to be a broken record. Until he gives you full disclosure of all his incoming's, outgoing's and debts you will not be looking at getting any loans for him.

As for his CCJ's have you not seen any letters from companies or courts, debt collectors coming to the house. If he at the level of debt he saying, then I would expect some level of activities coming to your home.

Does him being disqualified effect his job and earning abilities. This will be another reason as to why I would not loaning him anything.

The fact you are seeing gambling popups I would suggest that he is gambling issues along side the alcohol issues and that is why he will not show you any of his bank statements and tell you were the money is going.