to not want to bail DH out financially - again.

[Yolo89]

DH was out of work for 10 months a few years back and he has never recovered fully financially. He got into huge debt and did not really keep me in the picture at all. We got a loan out on my account to help but I ended up paying it off using my inheritance as I was a SAHM. It still didn't help. Then one day the tax man turned up with a demand for £30, 000. I had no idea. I was devastated.

This situation has been somewhat sorted but still remains in debt and I have seen him trying to gain credit from all sorts of sources. He tuns out of money each money and has to rely on my inheritance (I am a studying at the moment so not working) and now has just asked me to see if I can take out another loan of £10, 000 which he will pay off. I am not sure if I could get a loan anyway but I am loathe to bail him out again as I'm pretty sure I will end up paying. I am so angry at him as he keeps me in the dark even though I tell him to tell me what is going on and then expects me to bail him out in some way. I feel he needs to sort this on his own. He has problems with depression and alcohol, and is dragging me down in so many ways. It is all a mess. What would you do? I am fragile so please go easy.

You can do a credit check right now, it doesn't take long at all. You will have a better idea of what debts he hasn't told you about. Be prepared for some shocks.

you need to get away from him. please seek legal advice asap. you can't fix him.
don't throw good money after bad. save whatever you can and have a nice drama free life.
maybe then he might hit rock bottom and face up to his problems and own them.

You're not listening. You can't fix this. His parents can't fix this. Only he can fix this, but he has to want to, and he doesn't want to.

Your children will be damaged by living with an alcoholic parent. Don't do that to them.

Use your inheritance to get out and get your own place.

As hard as it is to hear, you need to break away from this! He clearly doesn’t want to help himself so that burden shouldn’t fall on you!

It’s good that you are speaking to your family about this. I hope they can help support you.

I think with his family, he will either twist the narrative to suit his narrative as he does with the therapist or he’ll accuse you of turning them against him.

I think you need to be careful as he is verbally abusive and this kind of behavior can easily escalate, especially as you are now standing up to him.

If possible, can you clarify if you are in the UK or abroad?

It must be difficult for you too but you are trying to make a life for yourself and child with retraining for the future. Your dh sounds like an absolute nightmare, irresponsible and does not respect you. Think of the person who left you the money. Would they want you to give it all to your dh when he seems to be making no attempt to sort out the mess he got into and expects you to bail him out all of the time. I would ask him to leave so you can get on with your life without him dragging you and your child down. If you carry on in this way he will take every last penny from your inheritance.

OP - your situation is similar to how a friend of mine is. They divorced fortunately and she is "in charge" of her own household now. He, however has continued to spiral downwards with more and more debt.

Even though they are divorced, bailiffs still turn up to claim on his debt and she has to prove how this home is hers and nothing to do with him.

If he was willing to sit down and go through all the financial stuff so you could make a plan, then I'd say stay....but he's not.

I strongly suspect that his parents will pressurise you to pay off everything.

Unless he takes ownership for his gambling and alcohol consumption, then you will never be free of debt. Unfortunately even if he did manage to break free from the addictions, they will always be there so you'd have to be vigilant about financial matters and still be in charge of them....incase they start taking a hold again.

Do you have the strength to do that for the rest of your life?

I suspect there is far more debt then you know too.

Sign up as him to Experian.

If he is not earning enough to cover outgoings and you are not earning, the you have to use your inheritance. No other way is there? I guess you can't get a cheaper rental just in your name as you are a student? It sounds an awful way to live - outgoings more than in comings. Pay off debts with inheritance, then take over Finances completely. Consider that you are using your inheritance as an investment while you complete your course.bhe is the meantime should be making a plan as to how to increase his earnings. Also work out how you can cut other expense if cutting rental is not an option.

Everything you say points to a gambling addiction. The line about lying to you because he didnt want to worry you is exactly what my friend's husband said to her. And he continued lying even though they both knew he was.

He has debt far beyond what you know about now. Anything he is admitting to is just to keep you off his back. Unless he admits to a drinking abd gambling problem then you have no choice but separate. He will bleed you dry otherwise. My friend's husband had taken out loans and credit cards in her name. He had forged her signature.

Do not underestimate the lengths an addict will go to. You say you can't afford to separate. I say you can't afford to continue living with him.

Truly this is a lovely guy but his depression.has taken hold.

He is not a lovely guy. Depression doesn't make you an arsehole. This is who he is.

Hadn't read all thread. You probably would be best to leave him using your inheritance to set yourself up. Other than that you will findyour inheritance sucked away. May happen anyway since you are married. Sorry for your situation.

@BlackCatSleeping OP is in the UK because she said the council tax was in arrears.

@Motoko It might be the local version of council tax though. It’s hard to be certain.

If the OP is based in the UK, there are probably more resources to help her though. I live abroad and there is no a lot of help available here.

I am in.the UK. It is a big decision what to do and I really don't know.

He reallt is a lovely guy. His lack of ability to look after finances plus depression plus lack of ability to talk has changed him. He bottles everything up. Now it is crisis situation.
I It has take me a long while to work out that he cant sort it out , cause I believed him.when he said he could sort things out. I now realise he will probably survive month to month forever, not what I want to do.

I need to think carefully. I hear what you are saying and agree in part - there is just a lot involved and I'm not ready to make the jump.

Perhaps you could talk to your university and see if they have any support or help available.

Perhaps just hang in there until you have graduated and found a job.

Remember the three Cs. You didn’t cause this, you cannot control this, you cannot cure this.

Do you believe he is gambling, to the extent it is a problem. My friend was in denial for a long time. She thought it was just a fiver here and there.

If you cannot afford your rent every month without dipping in to savings then you cannot afford to live where you are. Expenses need to be all laid out and gone through with a fine tooth comb. Speak to a financial advisor about streamlining spending and maybe consolidating debt. Can you afford to remain in uni full time? Can you work part time? Evenings, weekends?

If there is not a drink and gambling problem then you both need to look at how you can contribute more and spend less.

If there is a drink a gambling problem then it doesn't matter how much money is available to the household, it will never be enough.

Unless the cause of debt has been addressed, debt consolidation isn't a good idea, because once the person has less ach month, they tend to take out more debt, because they think they can afford it. A better option, is to speak to a debt charity like Stepchange, who will help you to get the interest frozen, and negotiate with the creditors for lower payments. Do not pay anyone to do this, but go to the charity who will do this for free.

Also, check out the MoneySavingExpert.com site. There's lots of information on there about how to sort out your debts.

However, unless he is honest about what debts he has, and how much, you can do nothing. Just carry on living as you are. The bailiffs will be knocking soon, and if the council tax is not paid, one of you could end up in prison. Non payment of council tax is that serious, unlike other debts.

You're not going to get that "nice man" back, unless he decides to change. The depression is not doing that, it's because he's an addict.
You can't fix this. You need to get your head out of the sand, and get you and your children out of the situation. Your children can't leave by themselves, it's your job to protect them.

I dont have my head in the sand. This is all new as in I dont know much about addiction etc so it has taken me a long while to realise the full extent if what is going on. You trust your once gorgeous husband but now darker things have taken over and I know this. I've also been dealing wirh health issues which are slightly consuming.

I think the drinking is a problem. I think gambling is not going on much from the receipts I can see.

I would use all my inheritance leaving I cant do this - immediately.
I hear what you are all saying but it is nkt tyat simple. My uni I think is all paid for with
I bursay. Even when I start earning it wont ne a huge amount but it will get better with experience. Just wish I was working now.

We were in a very very similar position but got a shit hot finance person to help us to sort it out.

PM me - for support and info.

Still thinking of kicking the shit out though.

Online gambling wouldn't give him receipts.

It’s not often I say LTB but my word OP you need to stop making excuses for why you can’t leave and just get out. Lying and hiding things from you - that is no relationship and certainly no husband!

Leaving is not financially impossible. There’s enough financial support in the Uk to make this work.

The guy sounds like he’ll never pick himself up without being forced to do this on his own. Leave for your own sake, for the kids sake and for his.

I don't know all the details but I would be weighing up using the rest of my inheritance to try and get me away, versus him ending up blowing it on his debts.

sun - I don't know what LTB means but I know it is not great. I agree it is crap. It has just taken me a long time to realise exactly what is not going on.

I feel very alone in the country. If I were home, it would be far easier to do something. I need to do this carefully. I don't know much about what is available but I could ask the uni. I have never had to call on these services.

It just really sucks.

Now I am being guilt tripped. He spent the last of the money I gave him today and now has no money until Monday. What do I do? He makes it out to be my problem. When I mentioned he spent some of that money on beer, he mentioned it was only £4. He misses the point.

What do I do for the next few days?