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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Strange behaviour from OH who has been unfaithful before. AIBU?

385 replies

3ll3nor · 20/10/2019 13:31

Currently trying to work past my OH cheating on me last year. We have two very young children. I know what the general census will be but I did not at that time want to be a single parent.

The woman he cheated with lives on the same road as the company he worked for. I couldn't relax for wondering whether he was seeing her on his lunch breaks etc.

He finally left that place 5 weeks ago and has just got a new job somewhere else, nowhere near the OW. He claims there has been no contact. I don't check his phone so I only have his word for that.

Today out of the blue he comes out with "oh I think I'll pop to the shops and get babymilk etc"

No problem, all normal

He spent ages digging in the cupboard under the stairs and emerges with a bag of unwashed work uniform from his old place of employment and says he's taking them back to the company.

At no point has the company asked him to return old uniform. I used to work for the same company and they've never asked me for anything of the sort.

He confirms they haven't actually asked him to bring back the uniform.

AIBU to say this is dodgy?

He doesn't think so, and has gone in a mood at my suggestion that it's unusual.

He puts the bag back and says he won't bother then, and leaves in a mood.

WIBU to think this was odd?

OP posts:
Motoko · 22/10/2019 18:34

You can buy a new barrel from places like B&Q for around £10-£20, and only need a screwdriver to replace it. Look on YouTube for a video to show you how to do it.

SuchAToDo · 22/10/2019 18:37

Op that was your cue to grab baby and say great, we will come with you since you are off to the shops as I want to pick up a few items...then watch his reaction...if he is genuinely returning uniform he wouldn't mind you coming along...if he was using it as a cover to see the other woman, then he would have not wanted you along

1CantPickAName · 22/10/2019 18:43

Tell him not to bother coming around after work unless he has the £3k he owes. Message his parents so that they know the mess he has left you in. Sell anything he has of value.

MadeForThis · 22/10/2019 18:52

Get all of his stuff out of the flat but I would be more worried that he would show up when you are out and take anything valuable belonging to you or the kids.

Honeyroar · 22/10/2019 19:19

Ask him what time he's coming round as the landlord wants to speak to him about what he owes. That should keep him away! What a shitbag!! At least it makes you more determined it's over..

ProseccoIsTheAnswerHere · 22/10/2019 19:36

Yeah I’d say cool, I’ll let the landlord know you’ll be round

3ll3nor · 22/10/2019 19:37

He has text me saying he hasn't got my keys and hasn't seen them, but he's admitted to the rent arrears not that he could deny it.

He's saying he fell behind when he had to take an extended holiday from work, when I was in hospital for weeks with sepsis after having DD

It's lies because DD is almost 6 months old now and he had months of wages to use to catch up. He's minimising to make himself look less terrible.

I Have told him that as of today he's no longer on the tenancy so if he tries to gain entry then it will be treat as trespass.

Managed to confirm that the new job is real (got in touch with the guy he said had helped him get it) and sent screenshots to landlord so landlord knows where he is working If he refuses to pay.

OP posts:
AFairlyHardAvocado · 22/10/2019 19:43

FWIW @3ll3nor I think you're doing so bloody well tackling this proactively and methodically and keeping your shit together.

Landlord sounds lovely, what a great ally to have in this process.

Well done and I'm so sorry you've been treated so poorly with such an arsehole Thanks

3ll3nor · 22/10/2019 19:43

Going to B&Q tomorrow morning to buy a new lock barrel. I've watched a video on YT on how to change it.

Making my UC claim. Contacting CSA now that i know that he really is starting the new job Friday and will be giving them all the details.

Every text he has sent me I've screenshotted and sent to landlord.

His xbox and games Is going to CEX tomorrow and whatever it gets me I will be sending to landlord.

OP posts:
3ll3nor · 22/10/2019 19:48

Being angry is proving more beneficial than being upset. I need to hang on to this fury and channel it productively. I will not be shedding another tear over this worthless POS

OP posts:
Alwaysgrey · 22/10/2019 19:51

What an utter piece of shit! You sound fabulous. You might find a lot of your anxiety and depression will disappear now this waste of space is gone. I’ve had two under 2 and the youngest with a severe disability (admittedly did have a dh albeit a bit of a useless one). You’re doing amazingly well.

Drogonssmile · 22/10/2019 20:06

You are doing brilliantly OP! You strong lady, you. Excellent role model for your DC ThanksThanks

FishandChippies · 22/10/2019 20:09

He’s a weak, cowardly, selfish pos op, you’re doing brilliantly, keep going xxx

Toddlersaresuchadelight · 22/10/2019 20:12

That's the spirit! Hell heath no fury and all that.
That b**tard is going down!
And the only way is up for you, my lovely.

justilou1 · 22/10/2019 20:38

Also send texts to his family to show what a lying coward he is who can do this to his babies. Let them know that they should be really proud of their lnobhead son.

QueenCoconut · 22/10/2019 20:47

Hi OP
Very sorry to hear about your awful situation.
I don’t know why but I have a strong gut feeling that he has been part living with the ow for the last few weeks. Perhaps supporting her with the rent or partially contributing. Most likely spent the days there while you thought he was at work. I wouldn’t be surprised if she believes he had left you a while ago, as he spent the days with her, paid towards rent and perhaps ‘worked nights’ when coming back to you.

I’m sorry for writing this, I’ve seen a similar scenario happen.
The fact he hasn’t been paying your rent probably means he has been ‘investing’ somewhere else.

3ll3nor · 22/10/2019 20:56

Thank you so much all for the support, it is keeping me going for sure. Having a safe place to vent and receive sterling advice is priceless.

QueenCoconut, unfortunately I think you're probably spot on. I reached a similar conclusion myself after adding everything up and realising the inconsistencies with the temporary cash in hand work.

I was sure he has been going there when he's claimed to have been working. It doesn't take from 7am until night time to work on a house move, not even for the bloody people moving in. I've moved a few times over the years and know this doesn't add up. Never had I had a removals firm up my arse from morning until night.

The work he is due to start on Friday is night work, so he will have told OW that he's already there doing nights now no doubt - whilst he has been here.

He will have been squirrelling away bits and pieces ready for the big reveal.

He was throwing some of his clothes in the bin last week, now that makes sense.

I asked him why and he said they're old and he doesn't wear them anymore.

OP posts:
anotherday4 · 22/10/2019 21:10

Sending you hugs lovely x what a tit he is x you will come out on top of this I promise x he's a cheat and won't change and lies out his arse!!!! You can do a million times better cxx

Janus · 22/10/2019 21:20

I honestly would not believe that someone could be so utterly selfish and leave you and such young children in such a mess, he wouldn’t even know if you would have had a roof over your heads. There are no words for him. Your LL luckily sounds like a very decent man, thank goodness. I can’t think what to even say but I hope you stay as strong and feel better each day. Flowers

QueenCoconut · 22/10/2019 21:38

OP What a horrible man. Throwing clothes in the bin = taking the bag to hers and making her believe he’s moved out :(

There isn’t really much to say , it’s awful now it will be horrible going forward but you sound like a strong person , I hope you will be ok.

Are you going to contact her at any point or is this not something you are interested in?
I can only imagine what stories he will be telling you tomorrow.

5starshow · 22/10/2019 21:57

Blimey Op, you are one hell of a strong woman. You’ll get through this.
Flowers

WaggleWiggle · 22/10/2019 22:04

Agree 100% with fizzy green water’s take on it

longtimelurkerhelen · 22/10/2019 22:12

How do these "men" live with themselves? I am really shocked.

So he has left his partner who nearly died after giving birth to his second child, left rent arrears and knows it is a strong possibility that his children could become homeless. I couldn't sleep at night if I had done that. He must be a sociopath.

You sound so strong OP, you are doing everything right to secure your future, you will be okay.

Thank god your LL is understanding. Can your mum come over aain soon?

WaggleWiggle · 22/10/2019 22:16

I’ve read all the thread now and just wanted to say that you’re showing real courage here. Well done on telling him to do one before he could hurt you even more. He’s an absolute bastard but you are spot on when you say this will pass and one day you’ll be glad you aren’t lumped with this waste of oxygen. What an unbelievable coward he is. Hope you’re ok.

3ll3nor · 22/10/2019 22:23

I fully believe his parents know what he's doing/has done so I won't be wasting my time contacting them, they're not welcome over my threshold any longer either. He is very open with his father about what he gets up to (his DF knows all about him cheating before)

It's common knowledge among our respective families that my mental health has took a big hit since I came out of hospital with DD so if they can condone what he has done then they're not people I want anything to do with.

Balls to the lot of them I say.

OP posts: