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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you have a baby with no extended family to support?

174 replies

rainbowcakeicing · 20/10/2019 07:00

I don’t mean living far away either, I mean literally no one.

Because this is just my life, it’s not something I’ve really thought about but people seem to think this is an issue, so thought I’d ask!

OP posts:

Drabarni · 20/10/2019 17:01

Yes, because even though we had extended family, they lived miles away and we never got to see them.
We had two before we moved back and they were 9 and 6 by this time.
There was no internet either so no conversations over Skype or fb.

speakout · 20/10/2019 17:06

Of course.

Many parents do just that.
Oh and I have managed to raise two children with zero family support.
What was the option?

Just not to have kids?

Courtney555 · 20/10/2019 17:06

@rainbowcakeicing

OP, is there a reason you've ignored the question, "do you have a partner?" that's been asked about 20 times?

JustDanceAddict · 20/10/2019 17:06

Depends if you have a partner or not, and or the finances for a nanny etc.
I know a mum who brought up her DD on her own, her mum lived abroad and she ran her own company (not from home) but she obviously had access to finances as had nannies and also a massive network of friends. It seemed to work for them!
We didn’t have a big family but did have one set of GPs who would babysit, and a couple of willing friends too. Then used babysitters once youngest was about 3. You def need some form of support system.

RandomTunesRock · 20/10/2019 17:08

DH and I have twins. We live in a different country. Never been an issue.

MotherWol · 20/10/2019 17:29

I think the posts saying it’s not that hard, or it’s entitled to want free childcare are a bit unfair. Of course you’re expected to care for your own kids, but having young children can be exhausting and relentless, and the option to have people who can share some of the workload is massively beneficial, so that you can do things like have a smear test without a toddler in tow, or go to the dentist. It’s not a competition to see who’s the most stoic, and making out that people are being weak for needing support does no-one any favours.

Tarkus · 20/10/2019 17:33

No but it's a downright falsehood to say it's soooooo difficult or impossible.

Janus · 20/10/2019 17:37

As a number have asked, do you have a partner? If so, yes (particularly if enough money to pay for the odd bit of babysitting etc). If on your own, I’d really think. I’ve not got any family nearby (4 hours drive away, husbands family overseas) and it’s hard doing it all on your own. I’ve been a bit unlucky and had to have a couple of operations which meant staying in overnight and that’s where having a partner comes in. About once a year you probably get something like the flu or norovirus which again makes it horrendous if you’re totally on your own. We are each others support and help but it would be nice to have the very odd weekend away together, we haven’t done that for about 8 years!

HerRoyalNotness · 20/10/2019 17:38

No you don’t need it. We don’t have anyone. I’ve made a few friends who will have them to play and in a pinch. I can also pay for limited childcare when I need a break. It’s difficult, but you just need to make a few close friends and exchange of favours between you helps when you need it most

Almostfifty · 20/10/2019 17:42

I had four DC, a husband that worked away and no family support.

Just got on with it, and they all lived to tell the tale.

CountFosco · 20/10/2019 17:50

MotherWol I think most people don't think outside their own bubble. I have a relative who has her PILs next door and her DP 20 mins away. Her son had an accident when the PILs were on holiday so she called her Mum to come and look after her other DC while she was at the hospital with her DS. Both her brother and I (both of whom live far away from any family, and have children with chronic life-threatening conditions which means we are in and out of our local childrens ward) were told in great detail about how poor B had to take all the DC to the emergency ward because her PILs were on holiday and how hard it was for her. We sat there trying not to catch each other's eye. The rest of the family has no fucking clue.

corythatwas · 20/10/2019 18:13

Without a partner not sure I would have been OK with it. Thinking of the time I got pleurisy and was delirious--my coat was lying on the floor and I thought it was the baby. Not sure how I could have "just got in with it" because it was my responsibility. Dc would have had to be taken into care until I recovered I suppose.
But if you either have a partner or are able to build a network of friends for mutual support, then that is different. When dh was rushed into hospital a friend took care of dc.

NerrSnerr · 20/10/2019 18:49

I agree about making friends. I threw myself into all the local baby groups on maternity leave and found a great group of friends. Most of them have family support but we still share favours (my husband is good at DIY and stuff so even if they don't need childcare they often need a fence putting up or something) so it's all give and take. We don't need help often but when pregnant with my second they all rallied as I was admitted a couple of times. We also pick up each other's children from school from time to time or have them over when the parents have a lot on.

BuzzingtheBee · 20/10/2019 19:02

I think so

Crotchgoblins · 20/10/2019 19:32

I have minimal extended family support. My mum looked after our toddler the night I was in labour with dc2. She is now too frail from multiple heath problems to even travel to see us, never mind babysit. I'm at the stage of putting in carers for her.

Practically, it's hard. There is no back up which is a worry.im not sure what we will do for school holidays as we both work. I wouldn't consider doing it without a partner. Even though I earn a good wage (> £45,000) I would struggle to pay childcare and mortgage for 2 kids. I begged my DH to take the kids this morning ( they are awake from 4.30am) as I am so bloody knackered!

Chocolatelover45 · 20/10/2019 20:12

You need a partner really. Someone living in the same house who loves you and your child. Someone who knows what you like to eat and will provide it during the first few sleep deprived weeks when you only have time to feed the baby and sleep and are recovering from the birth.
Extended family are nice as they also love your child but in terms of either practical or emotional support, they are not essential at all (and frequently make things more difficult).
I'd not do it without a partner though.

summersherewishiwasnt · 20/10/2019 20:27

It’s hard work but not impossible, not by a long way. Children are hard work anyway, look on the bright side, no one will be telling you what to do and what you are doing wrong. I love it that way tbh.

summersherewishiwasnt · 20/10/2019 20:30

Choc lover ... you would manage, you just would. It’s really not impossible.
Of course it’s nice to have supper and someone cooking food for you that you like, but you are undoing your own strength to think you couldn’t manage.
Some partners and family are fucking useless anyway MN demonstrates this very often.

blahblahblahblahhh · 20/10/2019 20:31

I have a single female friend who had a baby on her own by ivf and only had a very elderly mother around (not able to do childcare). She managed just fine, but you have to accept that life will be different for you than other people with partners / families around.

Countrybumpkins · 20/10/2019 20:40

I would only do it if I was financially secure .

Family wise you only need look at the multiple threads per day about toxic family and being advised to go nc that you realise family isn’t everything.
I’m on my own with dc and my god it’s hard. Just the feeling of being responsible for absolutely bloody everything is awful.

SuitedandBooted · 20/10/2019 20:44

2 children, husband who was working 6 days a week. Rural home, with few nearby neighbours.

And I had to regularly make a 150 mile trip to help elderly relatives. I am also self-employed.

We all survived! I didn't even consider lack of family support when we chose to have kids. It doesn't have to be a problem, but I had DH - I would not have chosen to do it as a single mum.

Clarinet53 · 20/10/2019 23:24

Just bare in mind that your current situation will not stay exactly the same. If you're doing this on your own with no father on the scene there is nothing to say you won't meet a person who makes you and your little one happy.

If you have the support of friends and family now it doesn't mean to say that this will not change.

I had children with a caring husband and family who was close by and at the end of the phone. Fast forward 11 years im not with my husband, my parents, in laws and brother offer no help and support.

If you would like to be a parent you will be ok what ever happens. You will wether the storms and enjoy the good days too.

Tobebythesea · 21/10/2019 14:38

I would have said yes when I didn’t have children. Now I have children? No, I personally struggle even with a partner (very limited, minimal family support as well) Having said that, if I’m widowed or become a single parent you obviously don’t have a choice and get on with as best you can.

What has helped my sanity is the ability to pay for childcare.

elizalovelace · 21/10/2019 15:05

I say go for it. I have 4 children,and absolutely no outside help whatsoever and a husband who worked permanent nights. Tiring at times as I also worked part time in the eves before husband went to his night shift but utterly doable, I loved it. They mostly grown now and flown nest, at uni etc.

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