Would you have a baby with no extended family to support?

[rainbowcakeicing]

I don’t mean living far away either, I mean literally no one.

Because this is just my life, it’s not something I’ve really thought about but people seem to think this is an issue, so thought I’d ask!

I did with 2 under 2.

DP absent.

Family existed but too far away, and the odd time they did visit my kids viewed them as strangers which resulted in no 'time off' and also the burden of having to host while exhausted (and pretend things were ok with DP).

I made mistakes and wasn't perfect but I know my DC felt loved, safe and happy.

Like PPs, I have a tremendous sense of pride in what I've achieved and zero regret. I would do it again in a heartbeat.

I am not clear whether the OP has a partner or not. We had no family support when we had DD. My parents were already dea, and DH's family lived too far away, so, essentially we were on our own.

I did it twice because I had a husband, but no extended family that could help. I wouldnt do it if I were a single parent who literally had noone. It's hard and lots of staying in. However they grow up, the eldest will be able to look after the youngest (for a few hours) in a couple of years for me.

I think a lot of people here, saying they have family living hours away whom they don’t see regularly are underestimating the emotional support that can come from a phone call with a loved one

I guess people who don’t prioritise friendships underestimate the way that you can get emotional support, and in many situations practical support (like a friend who’ll take your child in an emergency) from close friends and it’s just as valuable as if it had come from a relative.

I do think things are different now compared to how they used to be a couple of generations ago when ‘family’ was seen as the most important and friendships secondary. Lots of people live miles away from family, don’t have much to do with them other than the odd text, rarely see them, or are estranged or bereaved so no family left. That doesn’t mean you’re alone or lonely! It’s a mistake imo not to focus at least somewhat on building a network of good friends throughout your life, in my own experience family comes and goes but friendships are there for the long haul.

*I’m really surprised by some of these responses. I don’t know why people always think it’s to do with childcare.

I’ve found the lack of emotional support really difficult. We’ve had a really tough road with our twins right from birth and I’ve deeply missed having my mum around. It’s hard not having that emotional and practical support, not having someone to call in an emergency, etc. It’s hard never having a break.

I also see how much my friends kids benefit from having relationships with their grandparents etc.*

Same here. Lots of posters seem very self sufficient (good for them) ....but i think there is some mileage in the saying it takes a village to raise a family.
I miss my mum loads. Of couse i (and most other people) think having a child is 100% their (and their partner, if they have one) responsibility. I don't miss my mum for her babysitting availability, i miss her cos shes my mum!!! I miss talking to her on the phone, hugging her, seeing her with my DC. That can't easily be replaced or bought.

I grew up without grandparents. I had grandparent type figures and i guess as a kid i didn't miss what I'd never had, but now having kids of my own those relationships i had with older friends of my parents were not comparable with the bonds my kids have had with their gps.
(I know not everyone gets on eith their families, this is just my experience)

I did it. It is literally just me, my husband and our son here.

Yes without extended family support.
Not without a partner or very robust long-standing group of friends. Basically someone to listen & help you maintain your mental well-being. I believe it does take a village to raise a child but for my DS that village influence has been his sports club of 10 years.

X post with Skinny

I miss my mum loads. Of couse i (and most other people) think having a child is 100% their (and their partner, if they have one) responsibility. I don't miss my mum for her babysitting availability, i miss her cos shes my mum!!! I miss talking to her on the phone, hugging her, seeing her with my DC. That can't easily be replaced or bought.

I miss mine a lot too. But because of the relationship her and I shared, as she died several years before I was even starting to think about kids (I was in my early twenties). I think I would miss her just as much whether I had children or not. But it wouldn’t ever have factored into my decision to have a child that I don’t have a mum around anymore, either emotionally or practically. I feel like I was only ready for a child when I was truly ready to take on that huge responsibility alone without reliance on anyone else other than the father (and to be frank, I wouldn’t have TTC if I didn’t feel emotionally and practically ready to raise a child alone should the worst happen in my relationship, and I would only have TTC with a man I believed would do a good job and be able to raise him alone emotionally and practically if I died suddenly).

Yes I would but I would have 2 with a decent age gap 4-5 years. We did it without any family support nearby and that was hard and I wish we had a larger gap (we had 3 year gap but I would have preferred a larger one in hindsight).

@Janella

I had almost exactly the same experience as you. Now I am safely out of the dark zone, but there were moments where everything was saved literally at the last moment (an old business contact materialising out of the blue and offering a great and flexible contract, bank agreeing a mortgage holiday etc).
Knowing how touch and go everything was, I am not sure it is something I'd do voluntary.

We do it. Half family live in another country and my parents offer zero support...we have never taken out baby to their house.
It is hard but workable...my husband does loads and I am a sahm. If I was working too I don't know how we'd manage if the baby was ill, for example.

I think a lot of people here, saying they have family living hours away whom they don’t see regularly are underestimating the emotional support that can come from a phone call with a loved one

I don’t talk to either parents or in-laws about my emotions. My parents were emotionally abusive for most of my life so all kinds of nope and I struggle to relate to my in-laws. I tried once with mil and yeah, never again. I Skype my parents once a week so they can see their grandsons, before children my dad would call once every few weeks to update me on stuff/gossip about what was going on in the family and my mum didn’t call at all.

I’d go on a mummy board or talk to a friend before I’d talk to either groups about my emotions because I know I’d get more understanding and support there than with them.

I would add to my post that I was able to take mat leave and therefore make some friends at baby groups who were going through similar things at similar times. We're still friends now.

Their (emotional) support was everything to me.

I have absolutely no family near by, so no support other than dh, it’s fine.

With a partner, yes. Alone- no.

My family are lovely but none of them are nearby to offer practical help so if I didn't have them at all, not much would change. My parents are nearby but older, I've always known that they likely wouldn't be much practical help so same as above. I've always known that I'd be very alone at the coal face if I was a single parent, family or not so decided I'd only take it on with a partner.

477964z I would have said similar things before our twins were born. I was wrong. I hope you’re right that your friends will be an excellent support network as parenting is so much easier when you have one.

This isn’t my experience at all, and I went from someone who didn’t think it would matter that much to someone who really feels the lack of support that most of my mum friends have. I didn’t think having kids would make me miss my mum more but it absolutely has.

As with most aspects of parenting, it’s pretty much impossible to predict how you’ll feel or cope until you’re in it.

I think you'd have to be sure of your relationship. If you have a supportive man with whom you can be honest then maybe. The baby & toddler phase is very tiring, you'll definitely need support from him.

It can be fine, but it depends on the type of person you are. Are you confident, able to ask for help, make friends fairly easy etc? If you don't have family nearby then I think its important to build another support network with friends, not just for you emotionally but also practically.

We had family 4 hours away so could go there for holidays but no day to day support, I didn't know any different so didn't miss it .

@EthicalEni

The 'dark zone' yes! Well put. We are through it too.

I agree, flexible(ish)working hours were a huge help for me and my DP was contributing financially, I did at least have that.

I probably would have thought twice, if I’m being totally honest. Having kids is tough and my mum was a big source of emotional and practical support for me, especially as I was a SP first time around. I suffered with terrible PND/A and I would have sunk rapidly without her.

I think it would be tough to work FT with no support, unless you have the money and contacts to pay for emergency childcare and the endless inset days and school holidays.

It’s obviously doable, lots of people manage, but it will undoubtedly be tougher if you literally have nobody to call upon when the chips are down.

A bit of a pointless question if you really want a child - are you really not going to have one if we mumsnetters say it’s quite difficult without extended family.

Nothing about having a child is easy - but it’s so rewarding if you really want one.

We don’t have much extended family and a lot of people I know in London (where we are) are in the same predicament. But support is obtained from friends, NcT etc so it’s all doable.

I don’t think it’s mean to suggest that you have a rosy view of extended family’s role. You asked the question, and tbh it’s not something that would occur to most people. You decide to have children and get on and have them. If you happen to have a lot of emotional or even practical/ financial support from extended family then that’s a bonus... certainly not a given.

Has the OP actually responded to the question of whether they have a partner? I think that’s key. I wouldn’t have wanted to have kids without a partner who wanted them equally and was prepared to share the practical, emotional and financial load. But of course it’s entirely possible to do it solo, though I’d imagine that financially you either need to be very well off to pay childcare plus all other ‘life’ bills or possibly very low income to qualify for benefits to support your choice until the child is a couple of years old

Mil lives 2 hours away and we live 5 mins from my parents it's made no real difference if I'm being honest. Yes they have DC occasionally of we go out (very rarely, our birthdays) but they work and we manage with DC on our own, I think because we're quite happy to do that in a way?

The reason we moved to our area was because I thought we needed them but I managed to do alot on our own. Expecting number baby 2 soon. I think that will be the only time we'll need our families to really step up and help us.

Do you have a supportive partner? This would change my answer regarding family if not (not so much toddler years but a newborn is definitely something you'll need support with at first). Don't ever underestimate yourself, I never thought I'd be able to be sensible, think on my feet and look after DC, but I'm really proud of myself and how well we've managed as I was absolutely petrified.