Would you have a baby with no extended family to support?

[rainbowcakeicing]

I don’t mean living far away either, I mean literally no one.

Because this is just my life, it’s not something I’ve really thought about but people seem to think this is an issue, so thought I’d ask!

It was a bit mean, yes.

I didn’t vote btw because it’s very unclear from the OP what the vote is for!

I also tend to agree with sunglasslover that perhaps the OP has a rosy view of extended family, assuming that having one means you’re bound to get positive emotional support and perhaps practical help too. Many people who have extended family still living get neither of those, and in some cases can actually get negativity, in which case it’s possibly easier to just not have to factor wider family members into your thinking at all

I have & its hard at times but we're ok. Does sometimes make me feel a bit sad though when I see other children and the bond they have with grandparents, aunties etc.

Yes I would if you have enough money to buy in supporter and/or a very flexible employer - ideally both.

I don’t have any practical family support in terms of childcare so we spend $$$ on a combination of nannies and crèche - plus I have a v flexible employer so can generally switch things around if I need to stay home with a sick child. I have DH so not the same as being a sole parent but I think it would be doable with one child - 2 exponentially tricker. Hope that helps.

I don’t have a rosy view of extended family, and I can only imagine what sort of mean spirited person would write that.

However, people keep insisting you need support to have a baby. I don’t have support. Therefore it seemed a reasonable question to ask.

I don't have a family close by (closest is 5 hours by plane, and working full time) or a partner, and I have two with 1 year age gap (single mother from before the second was born)
If you can afford paid help (a nanny, a cleaner etc) it is much easier. Still quite hard work.

A partner and enough income between us to pay for childcare, yes.

But its been an awful lot harder practically and emotionally than I could have ever imagined (my parents are alive but mum has dementia that was apparent when ds was a baby, PIL have zero interest in us so there is no emotional support available - sometimes you need someone to phone to decompress or for advice even if they can't be of practical help) - theres no one to go to the grandparents things at school, no one else going to performances, no one to sponsor them for the silly events of childhood (I made people up tbh), no one celebrating the type of success that only family are interested in.

But we make it work, and ds (now 13) is largely OK about how our family works

Single mum? No way

With a partner and plenty of money, no pressure to go back to work- yes

Do you have a partner though? (sorry if you have answered that question but I can't see it anywhere)

If you have a committed, healthy partner then yes I would but I would do it completely alone without a co-parent.

Once you have a child you will have plenty of opportunity to meet other parents and build up a support network should you need it.

wouldn't do it without a partner that should say ^

I'm a single, working mother of 6 children, literally no family support, or support from their father.

It's not easy by any stretch of the imagination, but it's doable.

Absolutely! We’re about to.

Honestly, this is probably a controversial opinion on MN where so many posters seem to have really involved relatives providing childcare, but I’m of the mindset that if you’re deciding to have a baby you should do so with full belief that it’s all on you and any ‘help’ is a nice bonus.

Anything can happen, relatives who you went into parenting relying on could die, become incapacitated, change their minds about offering childcare, you could have a huge fall out or end up estranged.

Perhaps because I come from a family where there’s been a fair bit of death and illness and estrangement I’m a bit more solitary-minded than others. But I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I’d never factor in support from anyone other than me and the baby’s father when deciding to TTC, and even then I waited until I was at a place professionally where if DH died or left I’d be able to afford to raise a child on my own.

I do think when you have a child it’s 100% the responsibility of the people who created that child, nobody else’s.

Yes, didn’t even occur to me it was an issue. My children are the responsibility of DH and I alone. I didn’t expect anybody else to help.

The thing is, you could have all the family right at your doorstep but they might support or actively involved in your life.
So having a child should be a decision between the two people who are choosing to do so. It is for their responsibility and should be able to do it on their own.
If they have family support and help then that's great, but if not then that should be absolutely fine too. I personally think that it should never factor in such a decision.

Do you have a partner op or would you be a single parent?
Sorry if you've answered that and I've missed it.

Also have you bodged the voting options OP? It’s not very clear what YABU or YANBU are referring to!

With a partner and a few super supportive best friends, yep. I wouldn’t do it without a partner as I think it’d be a logistical nightmare. Are you single, OP?

If you a partner of course. Most people dont have extended family living close by. Without a partner no as you do need the support. Saying that some men dont stay around when baby born and you just cope. Ive a friend who did it twice on her own with sperm donar via clinic and shes managed vvv well. Her brother does live within same city

I’m really surprised by some of these responses. I don’t know why people always think it’s to do with childcare.

I’ve found the lack of emotional support really difficult. We’ve had a really tough road with our twins right from birth and I’ve deeply missed having my mum around. It’s hard not having that emotional and practical support, not having someone to call in an emergency, etc. It’s hard never having a break.

I also see how much my friends kids benefit from having relationships with their grandparents etc.

I did. It’s only now presenting a “pinch point” and my children are 3, 2 and 6months.

We are appointing a nanny - a total rarity up here that’s got us looks inferring we’re at once hideous bastards who don’t care about our kids to folk who mistakenly think we earn the GDP of Leichtenstein.

The nanny fills the same gap umpteen people I know are lucky enough to have filled by willing grandparents who don’t understand how critically important the service they provide for free is.

Put simply: you can - you should - but you need to have a certain amount of £ to be able to outsource some childcare no matter how small as you will need a rest at some point your DH won’t be able to take over and vice versa. And the more children you have the greater this need is likely to be.

[its a sensitive topic for me can you tell ]

Ps: the one thing you can’t outsource is emotional support unless you £ for a therapist to let off steam to OR you have at least one person you can confide in.

The ideal is you have an honest relationship with a mum friend in your local area but this can be something it takes time and dumb luck to craft.

I had a partner - no other family. It wasn't hard at all - it was "just us". No family interference , no dramas .

Perfect post @ 477964z

I don’t have any family.

Dp has an elderly mother and a brother who live miles away and rarely see.

Dp’s job takes him overseas 2 weeks in every 4

I didn’t consider it to be a problem.

I actually found it harder when Dp was home and as much as I love Dp I used to breathe a sigh of relief when he went away as I had a routine that got disrupted.

I used to have dc in bed by 7pm and after a story they were asleep by 7.30pm and then I could work in the evening.

Dp would walk through the door at 7.15pm and the dc would want to go and see daddy so bedtime went out the window and work never got done.

From what people have said about families interfering and having to keep the family dynamics in mind I think you can be better off doing it alone.

I know a lot of single parents and they are the happiest group of people I know

Yes we did. Good reliable childcare was the key - then it was just the emergency or unexpected situations that were difficult. A lot of annual leave was used minding sick children. As they grew and started school it got easier as we met other working parents in the same boat and made a little network that could help each other out a bit. To be honest nights out and social life took a hammering as it was too much to regularly pay babysitters on top of the cost of the night out. So we often socialised with other families with the kids included