Would you have a baby with no extended family to support?

[rainbowcakeicing]

I don’t mean living far away either, I mean literally no one.

Because this is just my life, it’s not something I’ve really thought about but people seem to think this is an issue, so thought I’d ask!

We did it. Not easy but they are 15, 20 and 21 now. We’re a very close unit as a result.
We did try pretty hard to build ourselves a network of local friends, which was a great support

I’ve found the lack of emotional support really difficult. We’ve had a really tough road with our twins right from birth and I’ve deeply missed having my mum around. It’s hard not having that emotional and practical support, not having someone to call in an emergency, etc. It’s hard never having a break.

OP didn’t stipulate no support though, she asked about family support. Support can come in many forms. I don’t have my mum anymore (she died a while ago), but I do have a circle of good friends who provide emotional support and I’m sure if I was desperate in an absolutely emergency would take the baby for a couple of hours or so.

But again, I didn’t TTC assuming I could rely on any of them for support, practical or emotional. When you have kids it’s pretty much down to you, imo.

Only with a partner and even then it would be hard. I know one person who went into parenthood single and she and the baby went to stay with her mum every weekend until he was 2 and now he is 3 her mum takes him every other weekend for the whole weekend. She finds it really hard and her mum is her emotional support and her sounding board for all important decisions. I think the sheer relentlessness of parenting would be incredibly difficult without at least one strong relationship in your life be it family or a partner.

Yeah you'll be fine! Just go for it.

We have two children under five and our family live at the other end of the country. The only time we had a problem was when I was pregnant with our second, we had nobody to look after our youngest whilst I was in hospital giving birth. We were very lucky that SIL happened to be visiting when I went into labour a week early otherwise I was giving birth alone.

It'll be hard, but not impossible

No it will not be hard. This quandary never even entered my head when I had my son. I really don't understand the attitude of some on MN re free childcare from their families.

I think op has been very forward thinking to consider this first. We have no extended family and dh is not particularly great with parenting but it was manageable. Things that made it easier: being part of a baby sitting circle and having friends I could ask in an absolute emergency, understanding bosses when I had to be off work with poorly child, enough money to work part time (i found full time with no support really hard). it’s not impossible depending on circumstances

It wouldn’t stop me having a baby - yes, it’ll be harder, but if you want children, don’t let they stop you! I think you’d regret it.

But again, I didn’t TTC assuming I could rely on any of them for support, practical or emotional. When you have kids it’s pretty much down to you, imo.

Well neither did I obviously. My point was I underestimated how difficult it would be to not have that support, especially when times have been tough - we’ve had a lot of challenges, medical issues etc and it’s been much harder than I anticipated. I honestly didn’t think it would be that much of an issue but it definitely has been for us.

Different situation to you but we have family far away. It’s fine, I’d prefer it if they were near by but manage fine. I have a toddler and a baby 18 months apart and my husband works away a a lot and I am a bit envious of friends with grandparents to help out. But we manage. The only time it is really difficult is if there is a real emergency. I had appendicitis a few months ago and had to go to hospital alone as my husband had to stay and look after our children. Having good friends to rely on has helped in situations like this though

I think a lot of people here, saying they have family living hours away whom they don’t see regularly are underestimating the emotional support that can come from a phone call with a loved one. It is definitely not the same as not having anyone at all. In our case (both sets of parents dead and no siblings) we never had any expectation of help, so have just got on with things but I must admit that there have been times that being able to ask for advice from a mother/mother in law or have a chat about something with someone who loves me and my children would have made a world of difference. Also, other practicalities that have caused issues are wills; who do we ask to be guardian to our children if we die? Being ill is also horrendous. Looking after small children when you have the flu/norovirus makes me hate anyone with family support! That said, we now have two people who love us more than anything. We’re a family and aren’t alone anymore. Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Christmas etc are all lovely again. It’s hard but I’d do it again in a heartbeat. People have mentioned finances and that’s a big thing to factor in. I’m a housewife and I imagine everything would be a lot more difficult if I worked full time. I also have a husband who is very hands on with the children.

I didn’t vote btw because it’s very unclear from the OP what the vote is for!

No , me neither.

Tbh most of what I read on MN about extended family life sounds utterly grim (all that fretting over sister in laws' birthdays, brother-in- laws' Christmas presents, interfering grandparents imposing their own parenting views, compulsory family gatherings) that a bit of free childcare is no compensation

I did. But I had a career & owned my home outright by then so money was never really a problem and I wasn’t reliant on anyone else.
It can be tiring but I wouldn’t change a thing.

I don’t know why people always think it’s to do with childcare.
Basic Maslow pyramid principle. If you are a single parent with zero alimony from the other (and I am totally shocked how easy - never mind how socially acceptable - is it to avoid paying child support in the UK), the absence of emotional support does grind you down, but a more immediate pressure is to put food on the table, and that usually requires some sort of childcare when you work.

I think your question is fair. I had my kids without even considering it, really. I think I was a bit clueless going into parenthood; my mum had died a couple of years previously and so I didn't have anyone who I could talk to about the realities of having children.

We have a couple of relatives in other countries. There's been no one in UK to 'support'. It's been hard, but we've done it, and 10 years on it's getting easier as the kids are more independent.

I remember talking to my sort of step-sister in law once when we were visiting family abroad, when our children were a couple of years old. She was describing how they had 3 sets of grandparents desperate to take the kids for a few hours/day/overnight and how they usually spent Friday going out and Saturday lazing on the sofa watching Netflix, child free. I was insanely jealous, because we'd not ever had that. We've never had anyone to take the kids for an afternoon. Or a night. It was 8 years before we got away for a night together as a couple. Every single thing I've done, I've had to plan what to do with the kids. Haven't got a relative who'll take the kids while I go to a hospital appointment or dentist or A&E with one child, so have had to do those things with children or alone, while husband has children. When we had our 2nd child, we had to figure out what to do with our eldest, who was 2, when I went into hospital to deliver. Ended up being a combination of nursery and husband, so I was alone.

It's also been ridiculously expensive. Childcare is expensive. I've also been jealous of friends who have family to provide free childcare, while we've scrimped and saved to pay for it, and not been able to go out and socialise together. We've spent a very significant proportion of our income on childcare. More than on our mortgage.

I'd do it again. It's all worth it. But no doubt it's been hard. On the other hand, we've raised our kids so far with absolutely no support from anyone so we can take all the credit! (And if there's any blame to be dealt, we can blame lack of support 😜)

I’m a housewife and I imagine everything would be a lot more difficult if I worked full time
I worked full time from when my child was 2 months old. It wasn't difficult.

I also have a husband who is very hands on with the children that really helps but phoning my mother or my mother-in- law for emotional help? Would never have thought of doing so.

We have zero family support and it can be tough but it's fine. You do get people who assume that you just have someone to leave the children with to go and do stuff. We are used to being self sufficient and we've managed to make a really good routine to cover school/ nursery pick ups whilst working and both getting time with the children.

I wouldn't do it as a single parent as I think I would be too lonely, even with friends around people tend to do family stuff at the weekend so they can be long.

I have support from my family and ex mil. If i didn't I may have felt I had to stick in a financially abusive and unhappy relationship with my ex p.
I only have 1 child but finding out being a single parent is very hard. Without my mum's help with free childcare ( looked down on my mumsnet) I would not have been able to go back to work. Not sure what part of the country provides such cheap childcare that allows mum's to work enough hours to break even- but it ain't Here!

No. I would never do it on my own. I only just managed, ds2 bought me to my knees!! With Dh's help. But no close family. Never could've coped on my own.

I think a lot of people here, saying they have family living hours away whom they don’t see regularly are underestimating the emotional support that can come from a phone call with a loved one

I don’t think I have never spoken to my MIL or BIL on the phone ever.
The last time I spoke to them was when we visited last in 2000.

When people say they live miles away it means they rarely if ever speak to relatives.

If you have the money to afford to pay for support then it’s not an issue. My parents are across the ocean and my in-laws are 4+hours away. We knew before discussing children that it would just be us and I didn’t have an issue with that. Husband and I are the type to do our own thing anyway. It is difficult at times, and husband did consider moving closer to his family (which I wasn’t keen on, but kept it to myself). However, he realised that he likely wouldn’t get the same support as his siblings have. His mum proved herself unreliable despite him only having asked for help twice in a year (usually weeks in advance) which obviously hurt him and made him re-evaluate things. As time has gone by he has found it headache-inducing to be around so much noise that he often offers to cook for everyone to get away from it all. We are happier having our relatively calm quiet life with our sons (2 &4) where we don’t have the amount of dramas we hear about from other parents and what I read on here.

It’s not something that I would even have considered , we wanted a baby and could afford to have one.

We're in the living far away situation. We see both sets of parents once a month, but so far their main contribution has been financial, we've barely had to buy anything for DD and it's taken the pressure off of our finances immensely. So if we were better off financially we would have no problem managing without them. We are not the most social people though and I know others would find it difficult.

*by mumsnet.
Ex mil has also taken ds for 3 days of half term, bless her. School holidays are a worry when you only get 23 days annual leave

And to add to that, we would have had at least one child regardless, we would have just had some very tight months and/or short term debt.