Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you have a baby with no extended family to support?

174 replies

rainbowcakeicing · 20/10/2019 07:00

I don’t mean living far away either, I mean literally no one.

Because this is just my life, it’s not something I’ve really thought about but people seem to think this is an issue, so thought I’d ask!

OP posts:
ittooshallpass · 20/10/2019 07:51

I had no help. It was fine. I saw my baby as my responsibility and just got on with it.

Rainbowhairdontcare · 20/10/2019 07:53

We are. My family lives across an ocean and his lives 10hrs. I'm currently giving birth!

TheVanguardSix · 20/10/2019 07:57

I did it with DC1 and I'd absolutely do it again without a second thought.

Stoptheworldandmelt · 20/10/2019 07:58

I'm planning to. Family about, but a 14 hour and awkward visa process away. However, strong friends around us, with kids of their own so we won't be alone.

Applesanbananas · 20/10/2019 07:59

Without a partner I wouldnt.

But with a partner, I find it absolutely bizarre why 2 people who made a child need other people to do it with them. What 'support' do you need?
Are you looking for childcare?
We had ds abroad with no family, didnt even occur to me to factor that in.

TheVanguardSix · 20/10/2019 07:59

ittooshallpass absolutely spot on!

jamoncrumpets · 20/10/2019 08:01

We did. My mum died ten years ago when I was in my mid twenties. We are NC with DH's mum. DH's dad died three years ago.

We wanted a family.

My parents raised three kids living a three hour drive from any family and did a great job.

Applesanbananas · 20/10/2019 08:04

I had no help. It was fine. I saw my baby as my responsibility and just got on with it

So true. Find it ridiculous how people have children but expect that everyone should feel privileged to provide childcare. If it's not childcare then what 'support' do you need the family to be around for ?

Ponoka7 · 20/10/2019 08:05

I had an abusive childhood and my Father and maternal grandfather wasn't from the UK, which resulted in me having literally no family that i could rely on.

In a way i think it was better for me tham mother's who were surprised when their families refused to help. I didn't have the resentment etc. I just got on with it.

Once they'd started primary school, I'd developed links and had possible babysitters, especially after being willing to babysit.

I now (as a grandmother) babysit for my DD's friends, who are immigrants. Life is a bit tougher and there's a sadness about there not being wider family, but not enough to prevent you from having a baby.

BlueJava · 20/10/2019 08:08

For me it would depend on finances. If you are fairly comfortable and can take an extended break from work (or not work at all) without scrimping and scraping by then yes I'd have a baby without support. Not saying it'll be easy but if you're chilled, relaxed and want a child then it could be wonderful. Good luck whatever your decision.

Ponoka7 · 20/10/2019 08:11

I will say that having no family (which isn't the same as them living far away), worried me when my DH became seriously ill and later died.

I couldn't even do the hospital visiting that i would have liked. Once he had a terminal diagnosis we could, because he was in his own room and visiting became flexible.

Major life events, including your own illness/accident etc become harder, but it does teach you to cope and just get on with things.

My fears were compounded because my youngest had moderate LDs etc. They still are and she's 22.

Rememberallball · 20/10/2019 08:15

We live approximately 4-5 hours from my siblings (parents deceased) and we get no help from DH family who live approximately 1/2 hour away by car but 2 hours by (rural and unreliable) public transport. DH works full time and we have 8 week old twins. I chose to have children so they are my responsibility. It’s hard work and there are things to take into consideration - boys due first vaccinations this week and no one to come to the appointment with me or help afterwards so they’re having them done 4 days apart so I don’t have to try and manage 2 distressed babies at the same time.

If you believe you can manage by yourself, go for it, consider all aspects - will you manage financially while on maternity leave? What about taking time off work if child/children are ill and unable to go to childcare? What about if you are ill or have to go into hospital? If the worst were to happen do you have plans for who would stand in your place to raise you child/children?

EnglishRose13 · 20/10/2019 08:16

It'll be hard, but not impossible.

CherryPavlova · 20/10/2019 08:19

We had no family support, we made our own.
That said, I’m old fashioned and think children should be the result of a loving relationship not a commodity. I don’t think planned single parenthood is a good idea unless you’re really rather wealthy and can afford to buy support. Even then I think two are better placed to raise children than one.

Tweetingmagpie · 20/10/2019 08:22

I have 7 and have had absolutely no help from family, I don’t have a family!

My ex husbands family lived hours away and they weren’t close so no help from them either..

I wouldn’t have it any other way, I’ve always just done things the way I want without anyone criticising me or trying to take over, which is what I see a lot on here.

sweetkitty · 20/10/2019 08:24

We had four without any family support, just DH and I. Four in less than six years so that was a bit hard going at times. Now they are older we are starting to find it easier. We’ve never had a night out or a night away together, when we go on holiday sometimes it was me in a room with two, DH in a room with two. Emergencies are tough like if one is off sick, I was a SAHM for 12 years it would have been harder working when they were little.

It’s hard but I don’t regret it.

SinkGirl · 20/10/2019 08:28

Well we have twins with basically no family support. MIL is alive, only lives 3 hours away, but we’ve seen her once or twice a year for a few hours since the twins were born.

My sister is lovely but again lives a few hours away and is very busy. We only see her a couple of times a year. She did come and babysit for us once for my birthday, when they were almost 2. It was the first time we’d been away from them.

It is bloody hard without anyone to fall back on in an emergency. If we had one we could probably have arrangements with friends but with two it’s a bit much.

It’s relentless and very tough but I wouldn’t change it. Our boys are both disabled so much more difficult to leave them with anyone. It’s much easier now they’re at nursery but when something goes wrong (like when we had a minor car accident in the middle of nowhere and had to get back for them) it’s hard not to have someone to call. I definitely underestimated how difficult it is without having family around.

Acciocats · 20/10/2019 08:29

With a partner, yes, that’s exactly what we did, 3 times! No extended family for support. You just need to accept that you’ll pay for any support you want, in terms of childcare, baby sitters or domestic help.
Sure, it must be a hell of a lot easier on the pocket if you’re able to get this kind of help from family for free, but frankly having been on MN a while I’ve seen plenty of horror stories about family not doing things how mummy wants, and all sorts of guilt tripping so perhaps in many ways it’s an advantage to stand on your own two feet as parents.

So yes, I absolutely would (and did) have 3 children knowing it was down to us as parents to get on with the role of parenting. Our kids are grown up now. In retrospect I’d say the hardest thing was probably that because we were paying for every bit of childcare to enable us both to work, we could rarely afford any ‘extra’ such as a babysitter to enable us to go out in the evening. That felt tough at times- we were either looking after the kids ourselves, or working while they were in childcare. But you get though it.

If you’re thinking of having a child without any partner involvement then again, totally doable if that’s your choice and you can afford to pay childcare out of your own income. I wouldn’t do that personally but it doesn’t mean it’s not possible

MrsDimmond · 20/10/2019 08:39

I agree with pp that finances play a massive part whether you are single or considering parenthood as a couple without family support.

Skinnychip · 20/10/2019 08:46

I think some of the responses are a bit harsh here. Where does the OP state she needs free childcare? My DM died when my kids were 4 and 1. I spoke to her most days on the phone. She lived about 45 min away and did babysit maybe once a month, and with the eldest DC had them 1 day a week when i worked. When DC2 was born she didn't offer and i didn't ask and so i paid a CM for the days i worked.
The things i missed most were not free childcare (we go out a lot less now we don't have GP but we can pay for babysitting) but advice, reassurance and just her relationship with my DC. It was definitely a factor for me in deciding whether or not to have a 3rd.

AJPTaylor · 20/10/2019 08:47

If that's what it is then go for it.
We had plenty of family but fuck all help. And it seemed that everyone else had masses of help but I doubt that they did.
Make friends, pay for babysitters when they are little.

PurpleFlower1983 · 20/10/2019 08:50

If you have a partner, yes.

73Sunglasslover · 20/10/2019 09:03

I didn't know which way to vote to indicate that I think it's fine to have a baby with no extended family. I have extended family. We barely see most of them and none of them except my sister offer any support. My sister is lovely but is 4 hours away. My kids are 12 and 10. She looked after them one day when we went to a wedding. No other support. I do get envious of people who have support but life's not fair and you can manage without. We do childcare swops with friends in similar positions which is what has enabled us to have the odd night away.

73Sunglasslover · 20/10/2019 09:08

No coconut, I do think it’s an important distinction to make between having people you could get support from, albeit it may cause them or you great inconvenience, and having no support at all. I’m not saying that to be snippy, but I do think it’s important to make that distinction.

Hi Rainbow. I think for many people there may be family around but they would not offer any support. It's not necessarily about the inconvenience to them - they just would not. I think maybe you have a bit of a rose-tinted idea of what family are? I don't say that to be mean as I guess what we see most is the times when family are actually being supportive and helpful as those people who don't have family help tend not to talk very openly all the time about this. I think you may be sad about your lack of family and that's understandable. But don't let you stop that from making a family of your own when the time is right.

PicaK · 20/10/2019 09:14

I would make sure you have some support - but grandparents who babysit isn't the only form. You need emotional support and you need practical support. Only one of these you can buy. A friend on the phone 100 miles away can buoy you up and get you thru stuff. It's worth joining eg NCT classes purely for the contact with others. It's worth knowing when to ask for help and not feeling guilty for sorting out some regular me time.
I've adopted. They make you think about these things and really make you plan how to nurture yourself to get thru the tough times. I could have done with that advice when I had birth ds.