Would you have a baby with no extended family to support?

[rainbowcakeicing]

I don’t mean living far away either, I mean literally no one.

Because this is just my life, it’s not something I’ve really thought about but people seem to think this is an issue, so thought I’d ask!

I think it is harder, yes, but not to the point that I wouldn't have had my dc. But I did wonder why I was floundering more than others at my baby groups and then noticed they were still getting to go to the gym, have their hair cut, sleep - because their mum or mil had the baby for a while. I don't think anything would outweigh the benefit of having the dc though.
I did have family, just far away, and re emotional support - I don't think you have to talk about your emotions to get emotional support, phoning my mum and having her be interested in whether my cold was better and how the dc were getting on at school - that was emotional support in itself.

I’m in this situation through a family fall out. Haven’t spoken to them in 3 years. The only person I have is my sister and she doesn’t help. Ex is also an absent father so I literally do it alone. I have 4 though and yes it’s tough. I would never have chosen to go into it without any support tbh. It’s so bad I even only have 1 emergency contact at the school (suppose to have two) cos I literally have no one, don’t have any friends. So I wouldn’t do it if you are like me, if you have a supportive partner and lots of friends then that’s different.

I've done it both ways - with and without support. For me having support is the difference between enjoying parenthood and simply surviving it.

Now I pay for a childminder two days per week. She's super flexible and if I had an emergency/an appointment I couldn't change etc. then she will happily take my DC. This is invaluable so if you are completely solo I would start planning something like this in advance, or your life will be very difficult when you're in a bind.

Also, I would have a think about how to cultivate strong friendships if you don't have any, as it's important for a child to feel part of a wider group/community. If you're completely alone/introverted would you be willing to push yourself out of your comfort zone to give your child this? If not I imagine it could be a little unhealthy and isolating for both you and a child.

It can be done OP and clearly you're giving it a lot of thought so you will have a fair idea of how to cope with these potential difficulties in advance. Best of luck whatever you decide

I was a single mum and had no family nearby-I had moved for work. It is very full on and you dont get any 'time off'' but it's doable. If you are in a relationship then you can get a few hours to yourself if you need-this was a massive change for me when I met dp. And I guess you dont have kids if you aren't willing to sign up to a lot of disruption and a change in lifestyle.
I think people who have support cant imagine how you cope without it, but if they had to then they would, iyswim?

My parents did. They both came from abusive homes so, growing up, contact with relatives was strictly limited.
If we saw them at all, it was for a short time in controlled circumstances.
I honestly had a great childhood and I know that my Mum and Dad look back very fondly on thatpart of their lives as well.

We manage we two kids and no childcare or help. We have family here but they don't want to help and they don't. Very rare they do us a favour but it's nothing we can rely on. I can't work as if my kids are ill or home I can't send them anywhere.

I also feel my kids have less than the average child becaus or this. My partner's mum moved an hour away so she could help her daughter who became a mum 3 months before me. She has that child for sleepovers and sleeps at their house weekly. She takes her out and knows everything about her. She's bathed her and given her tea most weeks. Got her ready for school. She's never done these things for mine. So my kids cousin will have all these memories of grandparents and mine won't. But I will do my best to give them the love and experience they need xx

I don’t think childcare comes into it, when you have a baby you tend to look to people for emotional support, advice, relatives to enjoy the moments with and just generally having people there to be part of your child’s life. Not having any of that can be lonely and depressing, even if you have a husband to share it with the lack of relatives often becomes apparent. I’m a single parent and I’ve never had support, rarely even from their own father, I have distant family but they haven’t been a support and I’ve had help with childcare twice in 12 years so I have done it all alone. There have been hard times as there is with any family, but you manage. It wouldn’t stop me having a baby if it’s what I wanted. In fact I’m considering a third by a donor. Don’t let the lack of family stop you, you will make good friends who will be your support and advice and there are options of childminders so you can have a break now and again. The only downsides I have found is if I needed to go to hospital/emergency childcare is harder to plan and working around my work hours/school holidays so make sure you look into all options carefully. Love, milk and a clean nappy is all a baby needs the rest comes with time, patience and practise.

Yes. I have 6. No parter and no family to help. No grandparents etc.
It’s hard. It’s possible and being a mum is something I love.

I don’t have a rosy view of extended family, and I can only imagine what sort of mean spirited person would write that.

I wrote that and I wasn't being mean spirited. it was a hunch based on what you'd said. it was also tentative as I can't read your mind. But I did read your post as suggesting that if you have family you probably have support which is a lovely ideal which many families don't accomplish. We all make assumptions we don't even know we're making so this was meant to just wonder if you were doing so here and was not meant critically.

I don't know who says you can't do it without support. That's not something I've ever heard and hopefully it's been helpful to hear from a lot of people here who either have no family to support or have families who can't or choose not to support. Support can come

I think a lot of people here, saying they have family living hours away whom they don’t see regularly are underestimating the emotional support that can come from a phone call with a loved one

Sometimes you make a call hoping that you get some and get the exact opposite - then you feel shit because really you should have known that. It also works other way - expectation you'll deal with their needs even if you’re on your knees.

IME you’re in a location where there are more people away from family support it be easier to find alternative support and much harder where everyone has family.

It's harder to have no backup help - unexpected stuff like hospital admissions can be really hard or impossible to deal with - some services can be hugely unsympathetic as there must be some childcare - though we have been lucky with the schools and younger siblings – I’ve known people experience opposite.

If you have a DP I don't think it should stop you - but I would recommend try and meet other parents and try and forge a support network if you can.

Yes. Definitely 100pc sometimes family causes issues with the choices you would like for you child the can do more hindering then helping. I've had 4 children with no help or support from my family. All grown intelligent and self dependent and caring. I would not put of haveing children becouse of family not being there.

Sometimes you make a call hoping that you get some and get the exact opposite - then you feel shit because really you should have known that. It also works other way - expectation you'll deal with their needs even if you’re on your knees.

Totally agree. I have to carefully manage contact with my family and it brings me down and often needs me needing support. I don't contact them when I'm down as I can't cope with the disinterest or attacks which might be presented.

Support is needed when having a baby for most people. We should not conflate family with support.

Its possible, and easier if you build a support network, but you do need to be a joiner. While we've no family nearby, we do have a supportive network of friends, but that took time to build up.

Ideally you need to do NCT and then visit every baby group in the area to see where you fit in. It won't happen overnight, and you do need to persevere with some groups, but the best support I've found is from other mums with similar age children so you're getting up to date advice rather than 'try adding some rusk to their bottle'. There are some very helpful Facebook groups too so there is online support at any time.

My family are supportive but far away, and not up to date with all the latest kit that's available, while they mean well, I won't be using castor oil etc.

I think a lot of people here, saying they have family living hours away whom they don’t see regularly are underestimating the emotional support that can come from a phone call with a loved one

If by "loved one" you mean a relative then not in the slightest. My mother was several hundred miles away and was the second last person I'd look to. The last person would be my mother-in- law. I've never phoned her in 35 years. I don't even know her number.

If I needed support I'd phone a friend and even then I'd probably just get on with things.

We live quite a distance from our family and have 3 DC. Mum is a flight away and last babysat for us 2 or 3 years ago. She provides thousands of pounds worth of wrap around care for DBro's family and has e.g. had their kids to stay for a week while DBro and SIL goes on a child free holiday. She would never offer to do that for us.

MIL lives a few hours away and couldn't help before because she had FIL to care for, since he died she's spent several weeks a year with us and it makes a big difference, we get to have a night out but it just builds a bit more slack in the system when she is here, e.g. I don't have to worry about e.g. having an extra hour at work. We don't need her help but it's lovely for her and the DC to have lots of chilled out time together.

DS has a chronic health condition, it's stable now but when he was younger he was in and out of hospital and that was very hard dragging small children in and out of hospital everyday to see their brother while DH and I swapped over (we'd alternate nights in hospital with him). No-one to help in those situations. We use other parents continually for lifts to sporting activities and parties.

We have good salaries and that helps a lot because we can afford good quality childcare and cleaners etc. I think if you didn't have money to throw at the situation that would make it a lot more difficult. With no partner and no family support I think it would be incredibly hard.

One. More than one is too difficult unless you have lots of friends.

Just to add emotional support is not something my Mum has ever provided (MIL is supportive of DH though) although I am forgetting that she was helpful when I had DC2&3 and did come down and look after the older child(ren) while I was in labour. Having a second child without any babysitting support would mean the father would have to miss the birth. My youngest was premature and so we had to call up friends in the middle of the night to look after the other DC when my waters broke because Mum wasn't with us. They looked after the older DC until DM arrived 2 days later. I then was in hospital with a premature baby receiving texts from my Mum telling me my house was filthy (no emotional support...) but the real lesson here is good people will help you out in an emergency.

Just to add emotional support is rare here too. I don't know why but my mum and dad love having grand kids but I think they see the role they play in their lives through rose tinted glasses. It doesn't seem to come natural to either of them. My dad's siblings all see their grandkids loads and take them away and on days out. My parents don't even consider cooking us a roast dinner once every six months. When I had bad morning sickness and exhaustion they never offered to take my DD to the park or for a walk. When I had my second child they never did anything thoughtful like bring around some food or offer to wash up or take the eldest for abit. I've not taken my kids around for two months now and they live five minutes away. They never reach out and say come up. They eventually moan and I go round and my dad watches Tele and my mum takes an hour to offer a cuppa. They honestly don't realise how I might feel sometimes.

I envy people who have close relationships with family. Whilst I agree that it's nobodies job to have your child for you I do think parents should naturally enjoy and want to be there for their children and as adults aswel as when they were little.

Doing it alone though is not hard when it's all you know. The only thing is when you are ill or when you really wish someone would have a cuppa and a chat with you.

My mum likes to also point out where I go wrong and how I should square up my kids. If one of them kicks of on the phone she says you want to be sorting her out. I'm sat there thinking and what do you think I do all day whilst I'm a full time mother

My only prerequisite for having a baby, was having a partner....and being married.

I didn't and wouldn't have a baby on the basis of extended family support.

My parents live over 200 miles away and my inlaws are would not be in my pool of ppl to expect support from.

I don't think anyone should have a baby unless they are capable of looking after them on their own/with the father or paid help.

Yes, we have. Our extended family live a couple of hours away, so when we see them we’re still looking after DD - it’s rare that we have any time away from her outside work. We have excellent paid childcare, which makes it easier, but it’s hard sometimes. Moving to live closer to our families wasn’t really an option, and we knew we wanted to have children, so ultimately this was the only way.

I’m in that situation, love my son but it all depends on your ability to create a support network around you. You really need a “village” to raise a child (and help you carry the enormous responsibility that comes with it.

Yes. It would be hard, our family help us with babysitting so we can go to social engagements, but now that's not as possible so we have found ourselves a local sitter, we don't rely on our families for any other help, I am a stay at home mum, so I can imagine if you have to manage work too then it would be even harder without family.

Emotional support isn’t just bleating about your emotions for goodness sake! It’s having someone to talk to who you know cares about you and is interested in what you have to say, however banal or unrelated to your emotional state that may be. I’ve missed having family because sometimes I just want to tell someone about something cute my child has done but don’t really want to bore friends with it. Friends are great but they don’t love your children like grandparents (normally) do. It makes me sad that the only people that actually love my children are me and my husband. Yes, no doubt there’ll now be a lot of one-upmanship whereby people’s families couldn’t care less about their children etc but I can only speak from my own experience; from what I’ve observed with friends, their relationships with family are important and make a positive difference to their family dynamic even when they live far away.

I am a stay at home mum, so I can imagine if you have to manage work too then it would be even harder without family

Why do you think that?

It’s having someone to talk to who you know cares about you and is interested in what you have to say, however banal or unrelated to your emotional state

Well that rules out my mother-in-law.