To think that a “doggy party” really is the final straw

[Thinblues]

DB & SIL bought a dachshund a couple of years ago as they can’t have children and since then have become totally obsessed with him. SIL speaks about him constantly as if he’s a human, refuses to come to family meals and outings if she can’t bring him along and generally treats him like her child, cradling and cooing over him non stop and bombarding the family with texts containing photographs and videos of him.

Today DH & I receive an invitation through in the post for us and the DC to attend a “doggy party” for his second birthday next month. There is going to be food, a doggy cake, presents, party hats, a bubble machine and even a photographer. I thought it had to be a joke but apparently SIL is taking it very seriously and the whole family have been invited. DH says I’m being mean and we must go and play along to keep her happy but AIBU in thinking this is totally abnormal behaviour which shouldn’t be encouraged?I’ve tried to minding my own business but just about fed up with the whole family pretending her behaviour is normal and accepting having this rammed down our throats. The party feels like the final straw. AIBU to not go to the party and point out that her behaviour is not normal?

I also want to add a huge thank you to the compassionate people responding on here. Infertility is so isolating and the responses here are heartwarming.

SHE'S BOOKED A PHOTOGRAPHER! FOR A DASCHUND'S 2ND BIRTHDAY!

Seriously, does no-one else think this is abnormal?

Oh don't be so miserable. My mum's dog sends my dog postcards when they go on holiday and we have parties for them, we send each other photos etc, Mum even puts her dog on the phone to say hi when I call her, a doggy birthday party isn't that odd.

Odd is my brother who sends us photos of his "pet" spiders who he finds at uni, because he can't have a dog there. One of the spiders got a valentines card.

No more abnormal than spending a small fortune on a giant chocolate cake only to have a baby smear it all over themselves with the resulting photographs looking like a dirty protest.

Yes, I’d find it a bit odd to have a party for a dog. My DH’s parents give Xmas /birthday cards and presents from their cats which I find strange. But it does no harm so I can’t really find the energy to care that much.

However, this poor couple cannot have children - unless you’ve struggled with infertility (or to be honest even if you have) then I don’t think it is your place at all to pass judgement or comment on how they chose to deal with their grief at the loss of their chance at a family. What they are doing might be a bit odd to you, but it’s harming no one, gives the couple something else to love and focus on and is likely helping them.

It’s not even that unusual for people not struggling with this to dote on their dogs - I once saw a woman pushing her puppy in a baby stroller (dog seemed happy enough) so live and let live.

Your post makes you sound judgemental, smug and unsupportive to members of your family who are having a hard time and probably need a little understanding and maybe even indulgence at this time.

How much would it really hurt you to strap on a party hat, have a bit of cake and socialise with your family for a few hours ? Why not try putting yourself in their shoes ?

OP, if you ever had an inkling of just how painful it is to be infertile, you wouldn't feel the need to ask what you did.

On the other hand OP, no, you really can't go telling her it's abnormal. Even though it is. She sounds pretty close to the edge and who knows what that would do to her.

They want to do the mummy/daddy thing. I think that’s cute.
Sounds like a nice excuse for a party to me. Go or don’t go, but let them have their day.

missillusioned

I’m sure they are aware of the dogs lifespan, what a strange post.

There’s no guarantee for any life. So many sad tales of children who won’t last past 15. Or parents who don’t live to see a child’s 15 birthday.

The photographer is a bit unusual but pet photo shoots are quite common. We have a voucher for one that I need to get round to booking. Maybe they just figured it would be a nice way to get photos in their own home instead of going to a studio.

It just boils down to: they are not harming or hurting anyone. It's a party, and parties are generally fun. It's hardly onerous to attend for a few hours, and I imagine they've done their share of attending children's parties where they would have rather been elsewhere. It just seems miserable to mock them because they have found something to make them happy and want to celebrate. Their dog is important to them, and if something is important to someone I love, then it's important to me too.

Don't go. You'll ruin a fun party by being a grumpy chops!

To those saying it sounds like fun, I respect your views but suppose you are just not my type of people as I can’t think of anything worse. I’m not bitter at all and have absolutely nothing against SIL except for her overbearing behaviour with regards to the dog, which seems to be getting worse and worse. I’m sympathetic to their fertility problems and can only imagine how heartbreaking it is, I just don’t feel that treating a dog as your baby is the answer to truly coming to terms with it.

I wouldn't go.

The dog doesn't know it's his birthday and would probably be happier without all the cooing and fussing. And while I can accept that they love their pet, having a birthday party for a dog seems ridiculous to me.

BTW, I celebrate Xmas, but don't believe in God
I love Halloween and the chance to dress up.
A friend of mine has 'pancake' parties on Shrove Tuesday.
I go to Diwali celebrations for the food and fireworks.

Sometimes, it's just nice to have an excuse to get together with your friends and family for a good time.

In that case ThinBlues I would decline the party invite and stay well away. It shows you just don’t understand dogs and their unconditional love and bond they can have with their owners.

I’ve never actually said this on Mumsnet before but you do sound very cruel and heartless judging an obviously struggling couple purely on the fact they’re making a fuss of their dog. That may or or may not have anything to do with their infertility, but I’m sure you wouldn’t like them telling you how to live your life, or how to celebrate occasions.

Stay well away and leave them in their bliss with their puppy. You’d ruin it for them anyway.

Sometimes we have to suck it up and do things we don't enjoy hugely because they're important to the people we love. It's only a few hours and obviously means a lot to them, so if you care about them, then why wouldn't you want to go? I think it's quite sad that people are so miserly they wouldn't sacrifice a couple of hours to support a presumably loved family member who's had a tough time. It's pretty selfish 🤷‍♀️ I know I've attended my fair share of family events that aren't my cup of tea but are important to someone I love, so I go and put a smiling face on.

There are plenty of "lifestyle choices" I don't particularly like or agree with, but if it's someone I care about... and if it's as harmless as a birthday party for a dog... I think I'll grin and bear it rather than make them sad or potentially damage a relationship.

If you can't hide your distaste while you're there, you shouldn't go, but otherwise, why not just look at it as an excuse to visit everyone? If your children are young, won't they enjoy going to a party and having some cake or other sweet treats?

thinblues how would you like her to come “to terms with it”? Do you have children?

People can love dogs very much, and want to embrace the short life they will have together.

Here you go OP just a case in point to show you how dogs can help people and how many get taken everywhere by their devoted owners, perhaps you should try and find some empathy.

Pictures did not post will try again

Oh @Grandmibim ever so sorry for your loss. Sending you hugs. Losing a pet is heartbreaking 😓

As for the party if you don’t want to go then don’t but quit being nasty about it. They aren’t hurting anyone. To give an animal love and good care makes me love them-I’d deffo be going to give ear scratches and treats and then enjoy some human treats and beverages!
If this is how they’re dealing with infertility then let them-rather than living with broken hearts they’re giving out their love.

How would you suggest she "comes to terms with her infertility" then?
What's a "healthy way" to do that?

In relation to your update, a dogs birthday party might not be your answer, but it’s theirs.

It’s not my kind of thing either, but in these circumstances I’d go to show support for them and catch up with family, trying to have a good time. I’d not be sat passing judgement on people trying to deal with the shitty hand life dealt them as best they can. Unless you are actually in their position you have no idea how you’d cope or what would help.

If you cannot attend with good grace and get over your bad attitude though, then I do not think you should go at all - you’d only be the miserable fun sponge sat in the corner disapproving of those trying to have fun.

You're heartless if you can't just soak this up for their sake ....

Can I go? Sounds fun!