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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that a “doggy party” really is the final straw

637 replies

Thinblues · 19/10/2019 23:25

DB & SIL bought a dachshund a couple of years ago as they can’t have children and since then have become totally obsessed with him. SIL speaks about him constantly as if he’s a human, refuses to come to family meals and outings if she can’t bring him along and generally treats him like her child, cradling and cooing over him non stop and bombarding the family with texts containing photographs and videos of him.

Today DH & I receive an invitation through in the post for us and the DC to attend a “doggy party” for his second birthday next month. There is going to be food, a doggy cake, presents, party hats, a bubble machine and even a photographer. I thought it had to be a joke but apparently SIL is taking it very seriously and the whole family have been invited. DH says I’m being mean and we must go and play along to keep her happy but AIBU in thinking this is totally abnormal behaviour which shouldn’t be encouraged?I’ve tried to minding my own business but just about fed up with the whole family pretending her behaviour is normal and accepting having this rammed down our throats. The party feels like the final straw. AIBU to not go to the party and point out that her behaviour is not normal? Hmm

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Time40 · 20/10/2019 00:46

Couldn't you just go and enjoy seeing your family?

Don't tell her her behaviour isn't normal, OP. That would be incredibly cruel and hurtful.

Thetruth02 · 20/10/2019 00:48

SIL speaks about him constantly as if he’s a human, refuses to come to family meals and outings if she can’t bring him along and generally treats him like her child, cradling and cooing over him non stop and bombarding the family with texts containing photographs and videos of him.

What like loads of people with a new puppy do... my best friend has.. gasp... three children... and still does this with a new dog.

Oh and as for the people on this thread not being “your people” - trust me, you aren’t ours either

Duck90 · 20/10/2019 00:49

theneverendingsummer I agree.

However the majority of posts have been very positive and Have reassured me of the kindness of strangers.

I think the OP thought mumsnet would ridicule her SIL - but largely they have not.

liliboard · 20/10/2019 00:53

I understand it's a bit weird. But have a think about how she feels not being able to have children. The hurt she must feel. Her dog is the next best thing to her and shes putting her all in to it. Just as she would if it were her child. I feel quite sad for her. And if I were you I'd go to the party and eat food and have cake. The dog won't care but your SIL will appreciate the effort

glsgow107 · 20/10/2019 00:57

Just bought the bacon bubbles as a Christmas treat 😄

pommymom · 20/10/2019 00:59

I have way more pics of DDog on my phone than of my DC
Sounds like a good reason for her to have a family get together
Buy some nice dried duck breasts or similar for party boy

Thetruth02 · 20/10/2019 01:01

@glsgow107 I’ve just got them too! I may even crack them out on his birthday

AutumnColours9 · 20/10/2019 01:02

Yabvu

She is not doing any harm and loads of people are like that with their dogs. I know I am a bit with mine!!I take endless photos but most people fuss over Ddog and are the same wih their own dogs. They're family members to many people. Some people don't understand if they don't have their own dog and everyone is different.

Greatblue0wl · 20/10/2019 01:04

It’s so patronising to hear “ I feel so sad “ for not having children. Personally I feel sad when women state that the children their only achievement.

Everyone is different. Different goals, life plans, health etc.

TimeForNewStart · 20/10/2019 01:06

You are coming across as the sort of person who thinks that anything even slightly eccentric is ‘weird’ and to be sneered at. They’re not harming anybody, and any excuse for a party is a good excuse. Don’t go.

Interestedwoman · 20/10/2019 01:09

@bridgetreilly 'No, YANBU. I would not go, I would not acknowledge an animal's birthday in any way at all, even if it were my own pet, let alone someone else's. And I would not invite someone else's pet to participate in events I was hosting either.'

What does it matter? It's not harmful in any way.

Especially as they don't have children, which they wanted, how they choose to live to reconcile with that fact is understandable.

@Thinblues 'The issue is that it’s bizarre to me and I don’t feel able to go along to her party and merrily pretend as though it’s perfectly normal behaviour. '

What does it matter that it's not normal? So you might find it a bit unnerving- that's not their problem.

'Surely this can’t be a healthy way of coming to terms with infertility.'

It's not hurting anyone, there's not any harm in it. It lets them be paternal- fair enough. How they deal with their infertility is down to them. It's not like they're carrying a doll around and breastfeeding it or anything.

toomanypillows · 20/10/2019 01:17

Not being able to have children makes the world seem like a massive party you're not invited to.
Everything - and I mean everything - is geared towards families, children, babies, parents... Even silly things, such as "kids eat free" or family priced tickets (which aren't aimed at you) make you feel as though there's just a whole other level of living that you'll never get.
And when you get to "that age" - everyone around you has babies. And maybe you have to go to their parties and see their photos. Maybe you have to listen to stories and anecdotes. You might see them grow up and go to school. You watch them turn into teens and see your friends evolve as parents. Heads of a family.

And all the while, you have a home that feels just a little bit empty. Maybe a relationship. That often seems to have just a little bit too much pressure on it to be your everything all rolled up into one.
And maybe, just maybe - even though you've come to terms with it because you basically have no choice - a dog, or a cat or a fucking hamster makes you feel a little bit more human and a little less like a social pariah. And if you want to invite your family round and feel a little bit special once a year, maybe that's what you do
Because you never ever get what everyone else has got and this is like a little sample.

Interestedwoman · 20/10/2019 01:18

@Thinblues ' I’m sympathetic to their fertility problems and can only imagine how heartbreaking it is, I just don’t feel that treating a dog as your baby is the answer to truly coming to terms with it.'

Why be miserable if one can avoid it? Going into insane depths of grief needn't be necessary.

As to a dog not living as long as a child- I'm sure you're SiL knows that. :) She might be upset when it dies, but can always get another one. I'm sure she won't be as distraught as if for a teenage child or anything.

Wafflecopter · 20/10/2019 01:19

Christ, she’s not hurting anybody, so why are you so concerned?

My mother recently had a pet die who she’d adopted when nobody else would (lots of expensive health issues, brought over from abroad, not friendly and very skittish) and she bloody loved him.
She used to post things about him all the time, sent me pictures constantly, spent more on him that she ever did me or my sibling, every birthday had a ‘gotcha day’ party and cake.
Now she posts how much she misses him and has his ashes in a lovely box on a shelf.

Is it something I’d do? No, not even a bit.
Do I think she’s been a little OTT? - At times.
Would I try and invalidate her feelings by pretty much telling her she’s insane and has an unhealthy love for her pet? No, because I’m not a twat.

Just go to the party, enjoy the free food and be happy that they are happy.

Interestedwoman · 20/10/2019 01:21

@toomanypillows I can't have children and I don't feel as bereaved as that. I quite like my cats, though.

The couple might mainly just enjoy this, and that's fine.

ashvivienne · 20/10/2019 01:22

I’ve got 4 kids and one grandchild.
We throw a birthday party for our dog because we love him and he’s a member of our family. I send pictures and videos of my dog to friends and family because he’s bloody adorable.
YABU by acting like she cannot enjoy having a pet whether she can or cannot have children. Perhaps she is now having the dog rather than a baby and that’s absolutely fine she is allowed to enjoy it.

toomanypillows · 20/10/2019 01:24

@interestedwoman
Which is why I consistent used the word "maybe"
To some people, it is absolutely like a bereavement. Great that you don't feel like that.

I was just pissed off with the op saying it wasn't a healthy way to deal with it and was offering reasons as to why it might be just fine as a way to deal with it

toomanypillows · 20/10/2019 01:25

Consistently*

Halo1234 · 20/10/2019 01:27

She loves her dog like a family member. Why does that bother you? Even if u dont agree with it (loving your dog like a child) why cant u just accept it. Why do u feel it's something u should "correct" (tell her is bizarre/not normal). Who is she hurting? What skin is it off your nose? .Go to the party. There are parties for everything these days it's just an excuse for families to meet and have fun. It's not a big deal. Attend and enjoy. Dont make it about u and what is normal or acceptable. If u love her support her and be there for her. She isnt doing any harm. Its just not what u would do.

Halo1234 · 20/10/2019 01:30

Well said @toomanypillows. Agree.

Pinkandbluemcdonald5 · 20/10/2019 01:31

The original poster clearly has no empathy for anyone who doesn’t live in her world.

Please tell us what a party should be for? What are the rules?

Drogosnextwife · 20/10/2019 01:38

Yes it sounds ridiculous. I wouldn't be going to a dogs birthday party. I also think you are right to be concerned for your sil. This is not normal behavior.
I wouldn't be by buying presents for someone else's dog either, it's a pet!
I would probably have blocked her by now with all the pictures and messages. I have no interest seeing pictures of someone else's children or their pets.
Mumsnet is bonkers sometimes. These poor people need help to deal with the fact they can't have children.

HUZZAH212 · 20/10/2019 01:38

My parents adopted myself as they were unable to have biological children. My mum was desolate to the point of despair trying to understand how life can deal some people such a shitty hand when all they've ever wanted to do from their early twenties is 'live the life they'd imagined'. My parents had 'a dog', just 'a dog', before they got us but he was so, so much more to them. It filled a void that nearly broke them both emotionally. You can never put yourself in someone else's shoes unless you're living their life.

SaucyTomato · 20/10/2019 01:40

What I find unbearable is posters like the OP who think they have a right to dictate how others should think and feel.
How your SIL treats her dog is nothing to do with you, it has absolutely no impact on your life at all, yet you think that you have a right to dictate to her. Where the hell do you get off OP!
She can't have children, which must be a bitter blow for her, yet you think you have a right to kick her in the cunt and make her feel even worse!
I think your SIL sounds fab and if I were invited I would be going along with a gift wrapped bag of dog treats and a toy.
And a bottle of whatever she drinks for her to enjoy.
Mind you don't hurt yourself when you fall off that high horse that you're perched on OP.

Grandmi · 20/10/2019 01:41

Oilyoily Thank you..we all miss Millie Moo every day ...we as a family adored her X