21 yr old daughter doesnt want to contribute to our home financially

[worcestershiremum]

my daughter totally refused to contribute to household financially,she paid a small amount last year,but just refuses and says i just want her for her ££,I paid my mum and dad from 16
any suggestions?
Im deff being taken for a mug

Bloody hell, I’d be questioning my parenting at this point! It’s not a choice, it’s a decision. You sound like a pushover.

It’s not the money, it’s the principle and the life lesson that stuff costs money. In real life a room in a house share with all the modern amenities might well be unaffordable. She’d have to cut her cloth, and needs to learn the value of all those amenities at home. She is clearly an entitled little madam already so it’s a lesson which is overdue.

My 8 and 9 year olds have to contribute to the household in age appropriate ways: cleaning their rooms, putting clothes away, feeding their animals. Dishwasher, laying tables etc. Did your daughter never do this stuff? How has she ended up with such outlandish expectations?

In defence of millenials my dc are exceptionally hard working and focussed and careful with their money.

When one of the dc is home I reckon it puts about £50 on the weekly food bill. But then when they have been away the food bill has been less. No impact on council tax and prob limited impactbon utilities.

Does she have an income?

Wow. I can't agree with the majority of posters on here. My parents didn't expect any contributions from me. I was in education until 24, away from home but there for the holidays.
They also set me up when I started work. I was able to save as a result
I intend to do the same with my son. Even if working and living at home, he won't be expected to contribute until at least 21 - and that's only if he is in full-time employment and intends to love at home long term.
Why on earth would you take money off a young person?

I had a mortgage agreed at 18 and we completed on our house (in the south east) when I was 19 and DH was 20. No financial assistance from anywhere but we only needed 5% deposit.

We WILL help our children to buy if we are in a position to do so but will expect a financial contribution from them if they have a proper job and live in our house.

What a ridiculous op - so little info.

I hate the MN mantra of charging dcs rent as soon as they can do a paper round and telling them to leave if they don't like it. Fair enough if you need the money. We don't. So why should we ask our 21, 23 and 25 year olds, all of whom are currently living at home to pay anything?

They DO NOT necessarily need to pay rent to learn how to manage money. My eldest is very frugal, has saved a substantial amount, and regularly offers to get shopping, pay for take aways etc. DC2 is the same. DC3 has just left uni and is job hunting. They're all just fine managing their money. Home is where they can live for free and make plans to travel, build up what they need to move out, take time off working to focus on finding a more suitable job etc etc.

Also I love my dcs. Sounds like some people on here switch that off when their dcs get to 18.

Totally agree with Bertrand by the way - it's infantilising to take money you intend to give back.

Not everyone is in a position where they can live at home paying minimal rent to their parents and save up

And I Wasn’t! My “rent” to my mother (my family were well off) was three quarters of my mortgage payment! Saving up was hard and I went without food etc to make sure I saved the deposit I needed and to cover legal fees. That’s why I won’t be financially abusive to my children.

BuggerOff but you were still living at home though.

Not everyone can do that and the price of private renting these days is eye watering.

No wonder so many young people feel so entitled these days. Why shouldn't an adult not pay their way?

No wonder so many young people feel so entitled these days. Why shouldn't an adult not pay their way?

In my case because -

• I love my dcs
• We don't need the money
• They are good with money
• All 3 know how to save
• They've lived in flats and uni and know how much things cost
• I want home to be their safety net from where they can plan and save hard for the next phases of their lives

Is that okay with you?

Liverbird77 that’s great, and completely your decision. However you’re missing the point that there are plenty of people who would genuinely struggle to not take money from their adult DC’s. The loss of child benefit and increased council tax for example as in the case of PPs. My mum was a struggling single mum of 3 and so me paying a small proportion of my wages was incredibly helpful to her.

If people don’t want to take money from their DC and can afford not to, that’s up to them. I’m planning on asking for a contribution from my DD when she starts working. I know it helped me with learning to manage money, but it’s not the only way to do it. As long as they are learning some responsibility somewhere along the line and are educated in managing finances then it doesn’t matter to me whether a parent asks for money or not. As things stand we will be in a position not to need it and I will most likely save it to help her in the future if she needs it. Or if we do. However. She’s only 2. We might be in a completely different situation then than we are now and might need the money. Or she might be studying hard, struggling, and have shown herself to be financially savvy enough that I don’t need feel the need to take money from her. Who knows. We all decide what to do based on our circumstances and child’s personality.

The point is OP (wherever she is) has said she wants her DD to contribute. Assuming she has some income (otherwise why would OP have asked in the first place), it seems a bad attitude to point blank refuse.

Waxonwaxoff0 I was one of the posters who had a mortgage in their early 20s. I saved up while renting with friends and had no parental help. You’re right, it’s important we all realise everyone has different circumstances. But you also need to remember that that goes both ways. Not everyone who bought early lived at home while they saved.

We charge, although not mega bucks. What strikes me far more than the money here is that she feels she can flat refuse. I think it's a bit entitled for an adult. That said, she does because she can.

*In my case because -

• I love my dcs*

This idea that you don’t ask for a contribution from your kids because you live them suggests that those who do ask for a financial contribution don’t love their kids - not everyone can afford to cover the costs of an additional adult in the home when child benefit, tax credits etc stop. Not everyone is ok with their adult children thinking they don’t need to contribute to the home, many adult children do stay in education, training or employment - many don’t and do need a nudge to recognise that as an adult they need to be responsible.

Love takes very many forms.

@worcestershiremum what is the point posting if you are not coming back?

It's impossible to know what is reasonable without knowing what she earns and/or whether she is studying.

Totally depends on if she is working, how much she is getting and if she is studying.
If she's working and getting a decent sum then yes, definitely she should contribute a reasonable amount.
If she's only working say a Saturday and only getting a small amount, then I wouldn't ask her to contribute anything and let her enjoy having a bit of pocket money.
If she's at college, I wouldn't expect her to get a job to pay towards the house, I'd prefer her to fully focus on her studies.

KTCluck agree, but there's often a sense of "I did it so everyone else should be able to do it too and if you don't you're doing something wrong" on those posts.

People need to think clearly about the saving the rent thing. The taking of the money in the first place is putting adult responsibility on the children. Letting them live free is the infantilising option. Even though in their own head the parent thinks they're saving it for the child, the legal reality is that the money is part of the parents savings, and when they give the amount they have ear-marked "back", it's not something they have to do, the money is, at that point, a gift from the parents, not a return of the child's own money.

How is she allowed to be so rude to you ? If she's been working since leaving school/education she should be contributing to the household, my parents didn't when I was younger but I was driving so used to take my mum out when needed, brought shopping when asked to and all my own toiletries etc, I wanted sky to watch so I paid for it in the house for everybody as my parents weren't really bothered about getting it. It's a case of give and take if she does nothing but use your house like a bed and breakfast then tell her to either pay up or move out ! She needs to realise that everything she uses at your house costs money !

Jellycatspyjamas - a number of people on this thread and similar have advocated kicking their adult children out. It would take something much worse than a disagreement over money for me to even consider that. So yes, I do feel justified in referring to the fact that I love my children.

And I made it perfectly clear that I was talking from a position of not needing a financial contribution from them. OBVIOUSLY if I did then they would need to contribute.

Oh there definitely can be Waxonwaxoff0, I’ve seen them too. I know that if I’d done a different degree without a bursary from the NHS and a different career path, or ended up studying or settling in a more expensive area, then I wouldn’t have been able to buy. I worked and saved hard, but circumstances were on my side and it isn’t possible for everyone. I think a lot of the posts about having bought young were in response to an earlier post expressing surprise that it was even possible.

PettyContractor you’ve summed up exactly my feelings on the saving front. I couldn’t put it into words. I agree that saving the money and telling DC that’s what you are doing and they will get it back could be infantilising or patronising them (depending on how they are with money anyway) but funding a lifestyle that they would have no chance of affording themselves in the future without teaching them how to budget isn’t helpful either. I think they need to learn early on that money is not solely for pleasure and you have to see to your responsibilities first. My DH never got pocket money but was pretty much given what he wanted when. He has a very strong work ethic which was built once he started a part time job with his mum also paying him depending on what he worked, while also subsiding him when he had run out. Great for encouraging him to work, but he has no concept of budgeting or the value of money and got himself into huge amounts of debt as a student and in his early working life. Now that might well be in part to his personality, but he also agrees that he will not bring DD up in the same way.

Exactly @UrkStarkadder. My two work (reasonably) hard, but in minimum wage jobs on 20 hour contracts, they’re not going to be buying a house in our area any time soon. Especially given they didn’t ask to be born in a town where we paid £50,000 for our house 20 years ago and equivalent new build starter homes are now going up at a rate of 50 a day for £250,000.

I don’t really give a shit if anyone thinks it’s “infantilising”. I use what need out of the board money, and anything left over I stick in a savings account. When he eventually moves out, it’ll be there if he needs it. I can’t see the difference between that and my in-laws buying us a dishwasher for our first house or my parents giving me some money for decorating supplies.

I can’t see the difference between that and my in-laws buying us a dishwasher for our first house or my parents giving me some money for decorating supplies.

Can't you really?

BuggerOff but you were still living at home though

Yes but paying a “commercial” amount in rent. Late eighties and I was paying £450 a month for my room. This also covered utility bills but not phone, food etc. Over 30 years later my uni DDs rent in a high cost city including all bills (we actually pay her rent) is just £650!

Living at home was of no help to me...

You are all arguing into the wind. Op has fucked off.