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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

21 yr old daughter doesnt want to contribute to our home financially

407 replies

worcestershiremum · 18/10/2019 22:43

my daughter totally refused to contribute to household financially,she paid a small amount last year,but just refuses and says i just want her for her ££,I paid my mum and dad from 16
any suggestions?
Im deff being taken for a mug

OP posts:
Medievalist · 20/10/2019 11:01

To be honest op, she sounds totally clueless and lacking in empathy. Does she really not understand that your circumstances are completely different to her boyfriend's? I would be cross in your shoes too.

Moondancer73 · 20/10/2019 11:08

@BertrandRussell no, you didn't misunderstand. My son was at college until July. He turns 18 in November and 'due to being on the cusp for funding' has been refused a full time course this year. He's decided to go and work instead. I too thought he had to be receiving education - something I very much wanted for him, and something I'm currently arguing with the college about. However, I was actually referring to the OP's daughter in my post really, didn't intend to hijack someone else's thread.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 20/10/2019 11:21

@CherryPavlova - completely agree. In circumstances where you can happily afford not to charge your child "rent" and are certain they will save it wisely (as you have brought them up!) towards a house deposit, or a holiday, or whatever their own income allows them to achieve, and not waste it, I see no reason to demand money from your adult offspring if they are living at home for one reason or another and you know they know how to budget properly. As parents, we wish the best for our children and if we can help them achieve their aims financially, why not?

zsazsajuju · 20/10/2019 12:47

I have to say as she is a student she should not be paying anything more than a small amount if you genuinely cannot afford to support her. You are not an adult at 16, or even 18. You have to support your children until they are 25 if they are in education- you are legally obliged to do so.

I don’t understand the mumsnet obsession with teenagers being adults who have to pay their way.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 20/10/2019 12:56

"I don’t understand the mumsnet obsession with teenagers being adults who have to pay their way."
Nor do I, @zsazsajuju - it's as if 15 year olds miraculously morph into mature adults, with the wisdom and experience of the middle-aged or older, overnight when they turn 16!

Inebriati · 20/10/2019 13:05

OP's daughter is 21, not 15.
Ime, its the kids who aren't expected to do anything that struggle when they leave home. Not the ones who muck in with housework and bills.

Bumblebee1115 · 20/10/2019 13:15

If she’s earning a decent wage but not contributing financially but spending every penny on luxuries then she definitely needs to contribute but if she’s saving for a deposit for a house or something I’d let it be if I could afford it. Imo it depends on how much they earn. If they weren’t earning much maybe I wouldn’t expect much but if they were earning a decent amount and wasting it..

When Oh lived with his mum (before we moved in together) he would give her £70 a week out of his then £350-£400 wages and pay for the internet bill (mainly because he wanted super fast 🤣) she would cook him his main meal but He would also buy his own snacks, drinks etc so she didn’t have to feed him. But somehow his younger brother (Aged 22) doesn’t play a bloody penny 🤨

I moved out at just turned 19. I didn’t pay rent as such as I never really earnt much whilst there but again I would buy food, paid the odd bill, put money on the electric key etc.

Oohrhubarb1 · 20/10/2019 13:36

An adult living in the family home needs to be paying their way, and making a reasonable contribution. My eldest lived at home for a while when he began university (has since moved out into uni accommodation) but we made it clear that he had to contribute. He was entitled to maximum student loan as well as a bursary so he was actually better off than us! He gave us £200 a month towards bills, food etc. Some of our extended family were shocked and horrified that we made him pay rent, but we couldn't afford to feed him and pay his bills on fresh air. Once they have left school and you are no longer entitled to child benefit or tax credits for a child, they need to be making some contribution to the household. I think you need to be tougher with your DD, sit her down with a list of your monthly bills and outgoings and let her realise just how much a) she is costing you and b) she would be paying if she lived away from home!

Oohrhubarb1 · 20/10/2019 13:39

You are not an adult at 16, or even 18.
Of course you are an adult at 18! The law says so. That is why things like Child Benefit stop at that age - you are no longer a child!!
You have to support your children until they are 25 if they are in education- you are legally obliged to do so. My children were entitled to full maintenance loans as we are on a low income, there is no law stating that I am obliged to add to it. My eldest is getting over £11,000 a year including bursaries, he's better off than us!!

zsazsajuju · 20/10/2019 14:24

@oorhubarb1 the law doesn’t say you are an adult at 18. You are obliged to support your children until they are 25 if they are on full time education. That’s the law in both scotland and England. You should be supporting them - the maintenance loan is for them. There is a law to say that btw!

It’s pretty unforgivable to take money from your child’s student loan. Shame on you. I’ve been on the breadline and on benefits but I would never take money from my children especially borrowed money for their education.

zsazsajuju · 20/10/2019 14:28

And you start demanding money from your children the minute the state stops giving you money for them! Even more awful rhubarb.

Tistheseason17 · 20/10/2019 15:00

I have already explained to my children that whilst I work the bills for our nice house can be paid. Once I retire, I will not be able to afford to run the house and will have to downsize. They have already both advised they do not want to move and want to help financially to stay in their family home.

I paid rent every half term and school holiday from my part time jobs - my mum even made me pay her rent when I stayed with her for 3 weeks whilst central heating was being put into my house - even though I was paying a mortgage and rent for my belongings. I'll never be as tight as her BUT I do think it is appropriate that my kids understand that stuff doesn't come for free.

OP - Good luck and hope your daughter understands she needs to share in the cost of where you live as a family of adults.

StroppyWoman · 20/10/2019 17:30

Best of luck, OP.
An adult child living at home and working is likely to have one of the highest disposable incomes of their 20s. Almost no expenses at all. Goodness knows I had more disposable income working in a pub and living at home at 19 than I did renting and working full time at 25.
With DS1 we asked for a commitment to put half his income into savings, a contribution towards his board, and the rest to spend. He had plenty spend on himself but also put a sizeable nest egg away. It seemed a good compromise.

Beacauseisaidso · 20/10/2019 17:38

@sazsajuju totally with you, this is indeed a mumsnette obession. In my view posters often seem bitter rather than wanting better experiences for their children than they had themselves.

BenjiB · 20/10/2019 21:15

Is she working?

angelfacecuti75 · 20/10/2019 21:17

Whilst I don't advocate chucking her out,she really needs to learn a lesson about the real world and by refusing to pay she is not learning that lesson . So i think you've got 2 options:
A) do nothing
B) guve her notice to move out if she doesn't start payong and then follow through with it

scubadive · 20/10/2019 21:22

What do you mean she is at uni part time?

Is she paying fees, clocking up a student loan?

Why do you not want to help her, I don't understand this attitude to children. You don't sound like you even like her.

If you tell her to move out and you never saw her again how would you feel?

RoyEastmannKodak · 20/10/2019 21:24

My DD is 20 and works full time as a travel agent. She contributes £200 a month which is the same amount her brother used to pay when he was earning about the same and living at home. Fortunately she has taken her lead from him and suggested herself what she thought she should pay (previously she was paying £100 a month when she was just working part time in a hotel kitchen).

She is not the perfect daughter or anything of the kind and we have our ups and downs but she recognises this as the right thing to do. The fact that we need her to make a contribution as we are not high earners is irrelevant.. I would have her make a fair contribution anyway as it IS the right thing to do when grown up kids are earning and still living at home. Your daughter really does need to do it - it doesn’t bode well for how she will cope in the real world if she isn’t used to budgeting for any kind of rent expense.

I hope you get on ok with talking to her.

cherish123 · 20/10/2019 21:26

Presumably if she is working, she won't be earning much at 21. I wouldn't be charging her. She will be able to save for her own place. If you want to teach her the value of money, you could take a small amount from her and put it in an account. Then you could give it to her for a deposit on a property later on.

mrsdaz · 20/10/2019 21:27

My son is 19 and tried this. He said we wanted his money etc. We sat together and looked at flats and rooms to rent, adding up the cost of bills etc as we were looking.

He soon saw the light at how easy he has it at home and pays £40 a month now. However he is at college still and works part time in a sports shop. If he worked full time I think we would charge 10% of his salary to start with.

ThanosSavedMe · 20/10/2019 21:30

Have you spoken to her yet?

Devora13 · 20/10/2019 21:31

Maybe don't buy her food or cook for her, lock up your fridge and store cupboards and tell her it's down to her. Disable her bedroom heater/radiator. Make sure she only received and makes calls through her mobile which she pays for, and change the WiFi code. Nothing is supplied unless she pays for it.

mickie28 · 20/10/2019 21:32

I would definitely give her notice and tell her she needs to find somewhere else to live. Hopefully it will give her a reality check when she realises she needs a deposit and the money for all her expenses. Let’s hope when she moans to her friends they tell her how lucky she is and to be thankful to you Wink

Carriecakes80 · 20/10/2019 21:32

My boys have both been working since 16 and we have always said we would like them to contribute 20% of their wages, as I pay for their phone bills ect (until they turned 18) 10% went towards bills and shopping, the other 10% of what they paid went into an account I made for them as a single Mum. I shall continue to pay into it until they are 21, then, although its not much, they will have a little something to help with whatever.
At 21 I had two children and was making my own way living in a hostel, be tougher, it will do her the world of good!

Sorrynotsorry22 · 20/10/2019 21:34

If you Don't need the money and she can not pay, then she has a point.
If the money is needed then she needs to shape up.