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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

21 yr old daughter doesnt want to contribute to our home financially

407 replies

worcestershiremum · 18/10/2019 22:43

my daughter totally refused to contribute to household financially,she paid a small amount last year,but just refuses and says i just want her for her ££,I paid my mum and dad from 16
any suggestions?
Im deff being taken for a mug

OP posts:
saraclara · 19/10/2019 19:13

You took the money and then gave it back to them.

Yep. And no lies were involved. They made the gesture to contribute, I made the gesture to help them when they needed capital.

Kaykay06 · 19/10/2019 19:15

I’m a single parent and my eldest son just turned 18 (end of Aug) so hb stopped and he has to help pay rent as I really can’t afford it and struggling badly. He’s been great, he’s never complained as he knows The situation and that he’d be paying a heck of a lot more if he rented elsewhere.

At 21 I’d hope that he would do the same if living at home, the reality of life is you need to pay your way when an adult and earning
She’ll get a shock when she eventually moves out and has to pay household bills and hasn’t much spare cash

Moondancer73 · 19/10/2019 19:56

@bertrandrussell - I see no earthly reason why a 16 year old shouldn't pay a small contribution. It's about learning that you have to pay your way in life. They probably left in July so are school leaving age in fact.

81Byerley · 19/10/2019 20:45

@saraclara you did a great job with your girls, they sound lovely!

saraclara · 19/10/2019 23:00

Thank you @81Byerley! Believe me, I'm far from the perfect parent. But they are lovely young women (not that I'm biased!)

Original poster
worcestershiremum · 19/10/2019 23:04

thank you I will do tomorrow when she comes home from her night out xx

OP posts:
MovinOnUp · 19/10/2019 23:18

Mine are little at the moment but I would expect them to contribute one third of their monthly wage, capped at a quarter of household monthly expenses (a quarter as there are four of us in the household)

I would expect them to save a fair chunk as well as contribute to household chores.

Original poster
worcestershiremum · 19/10/2019 23:37

Hello and thank you to all the people who replied to my post,I didnt disappear I have been at work all day then helping son with his homework and doing housework. She is at Uni part time and also works and is on a good wage,she was brought up well,she did jobs around the house,we lived a nice comfortable life until 4 yrs ago,my now ex made us homeless,he kept the house & car(we werent married everything was in his name)we eventually got a council house and started from scratch 2 matresess on the floor,it has been a struggle but we now have a nice home due to lots of bargains, I work,but dont have much left every month,trouble is she has a boyfriend he lives with his parents,they are well off and they let him live there for free,she thinks she should to,when she comes back tomorrow Im going to tell her pay up or go,Ive always been too soft but she does nothing around the house,not since we moved here,thank you all very much xxxxxxx

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 19/10/2019 23:40

Good luck OP. Flowers

MyOtherProfile · 20/10/2019 04:03

They probably left in July so are school leaving age in fact.

16 year olds are not school leaving age. It was raised to 18 in 2015.

Moondancer73 · 20/10/2019 07:18

@MyOtherProfile really, then how come my son is 17 and is working, not in school or college?

Moondancer73 · 20/10/2019 07:22

@MyOtherProfile - it is possible to be working and at college. Staying at school is not compulsory as long as there is some kind of vocational training going on.

BertrandRussell · 20/10/2019 07:23

@Moondancer73- I presume you’re not in England? Because in England -
“You can leave school on the last Friday in June if you’ll be 16 by the end of the summer holidays.

You must then do one of the following until you’re 18:

stay in full-time education, for example at a college
start an apprenticeship or traineeship
spend 20 hours or more a week working or volunteering, while in part-time education or training”

countrygirl99 · 20/10/2019 07:24

Why do people call it rent. Surely it's a contribution to the bills - food, water, electricity etc. Why would anyone who is earning not pay their share of those?

BertrandRussell · 20/10/2019 07:28

“ Why would anyone who is earning not pay their share of those?”
Of course. Unless you come to an agreement that they can live at home for free in order to save. Which is equally valid if the parents can afford it. Many can’t.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 20/10/2019 07:30

Maybe suggest to your daughter she goes to live rent-free with her father, then, OP, or that he pays for her rent for her? Good luck today - I hope you can make her understand the difference between your situation and that of her boy-friend's parents.

Moondancer73 · 20/10/2019 07:56

@BertrandRussell I am
In England.

Moondancer73 · 20/10/2019 07:58

@BertrandRussell and if you read what I said "she could be working whilst at college" - that covers the 20 hours that is mentioned in your post 🤦‍♀️

BertrandRussell · 20/10/2019 08:01

@ Moondancer73 - I thought you said your 17 year old was working and not at school or college? I must have misunderstood.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 20/10/2019 08:04

She does need to contribute. But please given that you admit you have been too soft in the past, don’t just tell her to pay up or go. That would be unkind and damage your relationship. You have all been through a lot. Please approach this sensitively.

CherryPavlova · 20/10/2019 08:15

If the household is struggling and they are earning sufficient money then I’d think about asking for a contribution but in general I don’t accept the ‘You’re doing them no favours / I had it hard so they should too twaddle”.
At 21 most are only just really entering the adult world fully. They’ve a lifetime of bills and paying their way ahead of them. Their income if they’re living at home is not likely to be high. Many are still at university or only just out in first graduate job.
If they can start saving for deposits, furnishings, holidays, car etc then they’re not doing too badly. They don’t need to be paying their parents rent too. It doesn’t do them any good. It reduces capacity to save and means they’re likely to be at home for longer.
I can’t imagine ever charging my children to stay in our family home. If I was poorer, I might ask them to make up lost child benefit and contribute towards food but not much more. Even (hopefully not) if they needed to return home as thirty year olds I cannot imagine charging them.
Taking money off them just for the sake of it is a bit mean. It’s different if money is really tight.

notquiteruralbliss · 20/10/2019 08:46

I usually have 1 adult DC at home and will have 2 adult DCs living at home for a while from next month. I do not charge anything as I can afford the marginal cost of them being home and I like having them around.

if they want specific food that nobody else likes they buy it. Apart from that, they are welcome to use any food in the cupboard / fridge but are expected to let me know if they use the last of anything and to not leave a mess for others to clear up.

Having them st home does not cause extra work for me. Everyone does their own laundry. Communal spaces get cleaned by whoever feels they need cleaning. If someone is cooking an evening meal they generally cook for whoever wants to eat.

Blondeshavemorefun · 20/10/2019 08:50

So ops dd bf doesn’t pay rent as rich parents she thinks she doesn’t need to

Guess she will be going to live with bf then

Bet she will have to start paying rent then

incognitomum · 20/10/2019 09:07

Good luck

LauraMacArthur · 20/10/2019 09:19

It sounds like you need the money so yanbu to charge.