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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

21 yr old daughter doesnt want to contribute to our home financially

407 replies

worcestershiremum · 18/10/2019 22:43

my daughter totally refused to contribute to household financially,she paid a small amount last year,but just refuses and says i just want her for her ££,I paid my mum and dad from 16
any suggestions?
Im deff being taken for a mug

OP posts:
Medievalist · 19/10/2019 15:19

Why not just say “I won’t take any rent from you- you can save for a deposit on your first house”? Why lie about it?

Exactly!

BertrandRussell · 19/10/2019 15:24

You can’t simultaneously say “You’re an adult now, you have to pay your way” and also secretly save the money to give them later.”Because I didn’t really think younweee an adult and I was worried you’d spend all your money on sweeties”

saraclara · 19/10/2019 15:25

Why not just say “I won’t take any rent from you- you can save for a deposit on your first house”? Why lie about it?

I didn't lie about anything. Why do you think I did?

And they still saved from the amount they had left after they'd paid rent.

BertrandRussell · 19/10/2019 15:27

“ I didn't lie about anything. Why do you think I did? ”
Yes you did. You told them they were paying rent and contributing to the household.

Schwibble · 19/10/2019 15:29

Maybe she can't afford it?

gingersausage · 19/10/2019 15:36

Because @BertrandRussell, some people do things differently to you. It’s allowed.

Medievalist · 19/10/2019 15:51

Because @BertrandRussell, some people do things differently to you. It’s allowed.

Really? I wish you'd tell the rest of MN that it's allowed to let your adult dcs live at home rent free. Every time there is a thread about this the MN mantra is always to make 'em pay . And anyone who doesn't is a baaaaad parent failing to teach their dcs valuable life skills. Because, let's face it, even young adults who've lived independently at uni, managed their own bills and managed to get decent degrees, can't possibly have enough intelligence and maturity to understand, when they leave home for good, that running a home costs money.

🙄

Zenithbear · 19/10/2019 15:53

One of mine tried to get out of paying their way and was given the option to either pay up or sort themselves out with alternative accommodation. Off in a huff they went renting. Another one of mine took note and paid the small contribution that was asked of them whilst also saving a good chunk of their earnings. This child now owns their own home. The first child is still renting and moans about how unfair it is and has asked me if they can move back in, mid 20s to save for a deposit. I declined. I don't want to go back to having grown up dc living with us I know what it will be like. It will take them longer to save a deposit but they can still do it by themselves. I try to help my dc but I won't be a martyr.

thetemptationofchocolate · 19/10/2019 15:53

When I started working I was offered a deal by my parents - they would charge me minimal rent (it really wasn't much) as long as I saved at least that amount each month for when I moved out at some point in the future.
It's difficult to know what to suggest to OP as we don't know if her daughter is working or not.

SlightlyStaleCocoPops · 19/10/2019 15:55

MN logic: expecting your adult child to contribute to the household and saving some of the money should they need it in the future: patronising and infantilising.

Buying your adult child's underwear, toiletries, paying for their phone, giving them money for deposits and cars(as long as it wasn't theirs!) not patronising and infantilising. Got it.

When I moved out and my mum told me that she'd kept the money I'd been giving her and it was there if I needed it, funnily enough I did not feel patronised, I breathed a sigh of relief that she'd had the foresight to do so. At no point did it ever cross my mind that I "couldn't be trusted to spend it all on sweeties", ffs.

SlightlyStaleCocoPops · 19/10/2019 15:56

" I wish you'd tell the rest of MN that it's allowed to let your adult dcs live at home rent free. Every time there is a thread about this the MN mantra is always to make 'em pay"

It's a problem if the parents aren't happy about it.

fedup21 · 19/10/2019 15:58

212 posts and I can’t see the OP has been back to clarify anything!?

Medievalist · 19/10/2019 16:01

The first child is still renting and moans about how unfair it is and has asked me if they can move back in, mid 20s to save for a deposit. I declined

Wow! You're not even prepared to hope that experience and maturity have changed their perspective and give them a leg up?

Moondancer73 · 19/10/2019 16:10

She doesn't want to?! How about you tell her - as her parent - that her rent contribution is x amount and she can either pay that or she has a month to find somewhere else to live. Why are you giving her a choice?!

Medievalist · 19/10/2019 16:14

She doesn't want to?! How about you tell her - as her parent - that her rent contribution is x amount and she can either pay that or she has a month to find somewhere else to live. Why are you giving her a choice?!

Maybe because some parents aren't prepared to put their offspring on the streets. So it's a bit of an empty threat really isn't it? If they don't find somewhere within a month would you make them homeless?

BertrandRussell · 19/10/2019 16:26

“ MN logic: expecting your adult child to contribute to the household and saving some of the money should they need it in the future: patronising and infantilising.”
No. Telling your adult child that they need to pay rent, taking it and saving it to give back to them is patronising and infantilising. Having a sensible discussion about them being able to live rent free while saving is reasonable and adult.

Magsxx · 19/10/2019 16:28

Love it. Good solution. 💜

smartcarnotsosmartdriver · 19/10/2019 16:40

I think it really depends on you and your children's circumstances. I moved out at 17 to go to uni and never came back. My sister lived at home for her 1st year at uni but as she was studying she didn't contribute. Now she has a (rented) flat in the city she studies.

I own a home now which I bought about 3 years ago with a 20% deposit. However the house is in a cheap area so I could afford it (just). I have plenty of friends who have either resigned themselves to renting forever or who moved back in with parents to save for deposits. I was very fortunate to be able to put down what I did.

If OP can afford to keep her adult child in the house without a contribution then she may appreciate being able to save. However if she needs the money to run the house as she's lying to heat and feed an extra person then there's absolutely nothing wrong with expecting her to contribute. If she won't then I'd be tempted to get her to move out and see how she copes.

Moondancer73 · 19/10/2019 16:47

@Medievalist because what kind of lesson is she learning if she gets away with not contributing? It's all very nice if you live in a world where you can afford to support your children forever and pretend that life isn't hard but sometimes life isn't all roses. 🤦‍♀️

Wonkybanana · 19/10/2019 17:40

If the parent decides that they don't want to charge their adult children for living at home, that's fine. But it shouldn't be the case, as here, that the parent does want or need a contribution and the adult child flatly refuses to pay anything while still demanding all home comforts. The two are different situations.

Anyway, the OP has lobbed in a hand grenade, with nothing but one very short, undetailed starting post, so it's all academic as far as s/he's concerned.

HauntedPinecone · 19/10/2019 18:02

It's like a different world on here sometimes. I can only assume the vast majority of posters are well off.

FWIW, my 16 year old is charged board. It's a very dmall amount, but she's old enough to start learning that nothing comes for free.

BertrandRussell · 19/10/2019 18:31

You charge your 16 year old rent?? She’s not even statutory school leaving age yet!!

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 19/10/2019 18:36

You charge your 16 year old rent?? She’s not even statutory school leaving age yet!!

I had to give my mother half of my paper round earnings when I was 14!

No way would I do the same though.

saraclara · 19/10/2019 19:06

MN logic: expecting your adult child to contribute to the household and saving some of the money should they need it in the future: patronising and infantilising.”

No. Telling your adult child that they need to pay rent, taking it and saving it to give back to them is patronising and infantilising. Having a sensible discussion about them being able to live rent free while saving is reasonable and adult.

I didn't tell my daughters they needed to pay rent. They volunteered to pay towards the household*. They considered themselves adults and wanted to pay their way. (or at least the first one did, having watched one of her friends become an entitled brat). Her younger sister followed suit.

*eldest asked me how much my monthly DD's for household bills/council tax came to so she could work out her share. And she bought her own food and if she was shopping for her own stuff and knew we'drun out of shared stuff like loo roll, she'd just buy it.

BertrandRussell · 19/10/2019 19:08

“ They considered themselves adults and wanted to pay their way.”
Good. As they should.
You took the money and then gave it back to them.

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