How often do people call their MIL?

[Geneva1995]

Just wondering how often people speak to their MIL on the phone. I speak to my mum every other day but I don’t feel the need to ring mil half as much and DP seems to think I’m unfair.
She rang last night and I missed her call so she rang DP and asked if she’d done something to upset me. I was in the shower!

We live 300 miles away so we don’t either of our parents often

I text her most days but not because I'm required too but because I consider her a very good friend x

Dp doesn't have a mum anymore she died over a decade ago

Exdp's mum died about 18 months after we got together so I didn't really know her that well. In the first 6 months I never rang her, she was then diagnosed with cancer (hid it though) and I fell pregnant. She would ring or text every couple of days and I would reply. As it got nearer to the end she became like a second mum to me. She asked if I would mind her calling me her daughter, I said no... She was dying how could I refuse.

From Dd being 3 days old I saw mil every day pretty much. She had 9 weeks with Dd and I wanted to make it count. I would ring her at night when Dd wouldn't settle and she would talk to her which would sometimes calm her or she would reassure me that babies just cry sometimes and I wasn't failing. She was a much better support than my own mum. I think I saw her more than her own kids those last few weeks.

I know there is an ingrained hatred of the mil on mumsnet and my paternal gran was a witch to my mum so I grew up seeing first hand what a narcissistic evil cow some women can be when they feel their position has been usurped by a dil. However, my mil was amazing! I bloody loved that woman and I sobbed my heart out when she passed away. But u moved heaven and earth to make sure she was home when it happened and not stuck in hospital. I arranged care, a stair lift to be fitted, I guaranteed social and heath care professionals that she would be well looked after, I was there daily except the day she died we had a meeting with the vicar doing dd's christening so we're later going over when we got the call. I miss her! She would have adored Dd. And she would still be my second mum now and I would still call her every day if she were alive today. Even though her son and I split up.

Sadly My mil died just before I met dh, however I get on really well with fil and see him once or twice a week, either with dh and dc or on my own.

Never but then I lived with her for 6 years and know her personality well (her and FIL bullied/controlled me). However she is a good mum and grandmother and my DH and DC see her once or twice a week and DH calls her often (and vice versa).

Ah silently

We live overseas so usually have FaceTime Sunday's - I'll talk to my own mum and he talks to his and we both try and include the kids (with mixed results!)
We both wave and say hi in the background of each other's mothers call!
I text her a few times a week as DH is not great at transmitting information and will call her for a chat from time to time
I don't feel like it's my responsibility to call her however
For example if DH is away I don't always want to do "his" Sunday night call - he certainly wouldn't call my parents if I wasn't there ! There's been times when he's asked me too so she can see the kids and if he's away for a while

I speak to my mum every day, I have a quick chat with her on my lunch break just to check in when I am working. On days off I put her on speaker and do my housework, take care of the kids. Sometimes she rings me and vice versa. My mil never rings me but I make the effort to ring at least once a week as she helps us out with childcare two afternoons a week and I don't want to appear ungrateful and I do enjoy a chat. I just wish she would take the initiative and ring me sometimes too!

sceptre have you told her that? I wonder if she's on MN and thinks it would be intrusive to ever ring her DiL.

I never did. Dh called her every few days, or she called him. I spoke to her if I picked up, before passing it to Dh.

She passed away. She was totally lovely. But I never once called her.

I call my mum, at least once a week.

Isn't this all the norm?

I never call MIL. We get on very well and I'm really fond of her. DH organises video calls and I'll pop on to say hello and I'll text her sometimes, but I never just call for a chat. I speak to my own mother once a week but chat on messenger every day.

Only in an emergency or if I have to, like, if I'm standing outside her house and nobody has answered the doorbell or something.

DH rings her quite a lot though.

My mum is dead I ring my dad a few times a week.

I love my MIL btw. She is awesome. But neither if us would want a cosy phone chat with each other.

Rarely, but we text occasionally. My DH doesn't speak or or see her enough, and I do tell him this and encourage him too. If he were my son, I'd be upset.

We have a disabled child, who she hasn't seen in years, so I don't owe her anything. However, in recent health scares, I dropped everything to help her. I figure, if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have my children and I'm grateful to her for that.

Also, my DH is pretty great, she didn't do a bad job with him.

Troilus - surely its the son's responsibility to keep in touch with his mum, not his wife's?

I'm v sad about all these responses, even though I understand them

Why, though? I don't ring my mil. I don't hate. I don't think she's a terrible woman, or trying to steal my children, of ignoring them, or treats them worse than their cousins etc. I just have no desire to ring her. I don't ring any other 70 year old women either for a chat (except my mother!).

She's not an awful woman, but I'm not friends with her. Same way I'm not friend with my sils. If I didn't marry my husband I wouldn't ever have known them, and they wouldn't be the type of people that I'd have in my friend group. We are very very different. We all get on well. And I do enjoy the occasional family meet up. But we're not friends who are in regular contact. And that's fine. It seems to suit us all.

There's no hard feelings. There's no bitchiness. Nobody hates anyone. It's just the way it is. We're (close) acquaintances rather than close friends.

Been with DH over 20 years, I don't think I've ever phoned MIL. She only calls DH or he calls hers when either of them want something, never just for a chat. Prob only a handful of times a year.

I message my mum every day and speak on the phone a couple of times a week.

We do whatsapp a bit. My MIL is quite a young MIL. I can't think of many people I would just ring for a chat tbh. Siblings, dad, DH and my bff, (yes, I said bff, what of it )?

@Silentlysinking101 you sound like a lovely DIL.

PILs call every weekend at the same time. They each speak to DH for about five minutes, then MIL and I speak for five minutes. And we also text quite regularly. It’s nearly always MIL and I who make arrangements for the family to meet up - if I left it to DH, it wouldn’t happen. My mum dies before I met DH, and I rarely speak to my dad (though when we do chat, it’s for an hour or more - we do text a bit though). MIL has almost taken the role of a mother to me, though obviously she can’t begin to replace my mum - who I was very close to, and used to speak to every day. But I’d say we’re close for MIL and DIL.

Troilusworks your post is a contradictory mass of gender stereotypes and blaming women generically for the perceived failures of men they haven't brought up, and emotionally blackmailing them to take on the wife work and emotional responsibility from their husbands .

If you are compelled to blam women for men's failings surely you blame the women who brought them up that way (though obviously in reality no woman should be taking responsibility for a competent adult's perceived minor social failings, and the phone works both ways).

Only if absolutely necessary. Do send pictures of the kids activities and little triumphs. They set the scene though so to speak when we first got together by ringing my husband when he was at work. They still do it even though it means that they can not / do not speak to their grandchildren very often. When we first had the kids I would sort out is doing FaceTimes but got fed up with them never ringing us so don't bother.

No blame. I knew people would pile in. I made it quite clear that I didn't think DiL's are responsible. I actually said that.

But you just have to be on MN for five minutes to realise that the reality is that the DSs don't tend to keep in touch as much as the DDs. And that's partly down to society's expectations, not just the way women bring up their sons, so who's women blaming, not me.

I said it was sad, not evil or unkind. Just to give a different perspective, that's all. It's always ILs on here that they don't want to visit with newborns, at Christmas, on holidays etc. But ILs were parents once. It just seems sad to me for parents of sons.

But ILs were parents once. It just seems sad to me for parents of sons.

But my DH doesn't ring my mum, so why I would ring his? If he wanted to speak to his mum he would ring her or go and see her (and he does, several times a week). He doesn't need me to sort that out for him!

I knew people would pile in

Yeah...because your post was really superior and patronising. And full of shit, frankly. You have no idea what anyone else's family is like. You don't know if it's "oh so sad boo hoo" for MILs to not get a phone call from their DIL. My MIL categorically wouldn't want me to call her. She's still quite young and working. Her son isn't a fucking idiot and has the gumption to phone his own mother. If anything, you'd think I'd be the one craving a mother figure as mine died fairly young and yet, here we are. Nobody is crying their eyes out over here because we don't have cosy chats on the phone .

Your MIL is an (older, I'm guessing?) widow who is very involved in your family life. You are in no position to throw out your wanky "you all make me so with your lack of kindness" wank at anyone else.

So yes, you KNEW people were not going to like you post. And you know why? Because it was a shitty post you never should have posted HTH .

I get on very well with my inlaws but rareky ring them

Never.
She never rings DH either but gets the hump if he doesn't phone her at least once a fortnight.
She occasionally sends me epically long emails about her health complaints and FIL's DIY projects. I send shorter yet informative responses.