Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DD attend her friends birthday party?

253 replies

Cuppachino · 17/10/2019 21:20

DD(8) told me yesterday that her friend at school said to her, that in order to attend her birthday party in a few weeks time, DD must earn points on the 'birthday board' that she's made. She also told their other friend the same. DD said that all day she and other friend were given into trouble by birthday friend and 'lost points' and threatened with not getting invited to party, with DD pleading with her to please let her go.

DD came home quite upset. When she told me all this, I told her that I didn't think this was ok and that birthday friend either invites her or doesn't invite her, she shouldn't be made to earn an invitation and to just talk to her friend tomorrow and tell her to stop with the point scoring. They are very good friends usually and they spend a lot of time together out of school, having sleepovers at each others houses etc.

When she came home from school today she told me that birthday friend was saying the same things so I've now told DD that I won't allow her to be treated like this and we'll go out for the day and get her a treat on the day of the party. She seemed happy enough with this but I'm doubting myself now. What do you all think? Am I over-reacting?

OP posts:
MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 18/10/2019 18:21

I’d have a quiet word with the parents too. Firstly so they can nip this awful behaviour in the bud and secondly to give them a heads up that there might not be many attendees. They might have spent a lot of money on the party.

Queenofeverything44 · 18/10/2019 18:33

My very young 10 Yr old has this, she has some mild learning difficulties as well, she's partially deaf and the size of a 6 Yr old. I found out this wk that the bossy popular girl would only let her join in if she was their slave😒. Apparently this has been going on for ages and my dd is just so desperate to fit in that she accepted it. The mother is very unapproachable so no joy there. I've raised it with the school. I've tried to use it as a teaching moment.. We are mixed race, so I explained to dd exactly what slavery was..
Very proud to say dd came home and told me she told bossy to get her own stuff and several other girls followed suit. Now dd has made new friends and feels a smidge more confident.

Hecateh · 18/10/2019 18:44

@Queenofeverything44

Well done and very very well done to mini Queenofeverything44.

PS I loved that book

Toomuchtrouble4me · 18/10/2019 18:50

I have seen this happen too many times with friends and
Family Children’s. Anyways you are not over reacting or being unreasonable. Sorry about grammar. I’m over tired 😓
...and over reacting! Ffs - kids do this stuff, it’s a social learning curve, the little girl is 8!

Countryescape · 18/10/2019 18:57

What @NoSquirrels said. That’s the best course of action. And I’m sure the birthday girls parents would be horrified

Diva66 · 18/10/2019 19:01

This is bullying.

onefootinthegrave · 18/10/2019 19:02

Most people probably voted YANBU because your first post wasn't.

Your comments since have been though. But you clearly don't want to listen to anyone who has a different opinion to you, why you asked for other people's views is beyond me!

Aaarrgghhh · 18/10/2019 19:04

On further reading you aren’t coming across as great op. Teaching her to stand up for herself is fine but why encourage her to be like someone you are telling her is in the wrong?

OooErMissus · 18/10/2019 19:05

you should report this to the teacher and ensure you write a letter to the headteacher

FML 😳

Jellybeansincognito · 18/10/2019 19:15

I also agree that this is bullying. It’s so nasty.

WillowKnicks · 18/10/2019 19:20

Your comments since have been though. But you clearly don't want to listen to anyone who has a different opinion to you, why you asked for other people's views is beyond me!

Exactly this, I voted YANBU but after RTFT I think you have come across terribly & are in danger of behaving FAR worse than the child, who is the grand age of nearly 9!!!Hmm

Shelby2010 · 18/10/2019 19:21

If my dd behaved like this I hope someone would tell me.

Your dd has learnt to stand up for herself, which is great, but you haven’t said if the party girl is still treating other children like this. The party girl still needs a chat from an adult about why this isn’t nice behaviour. At the moment all she has learnt is that she’s lost a power play to your dd.

OooErMissus · 18/10/2019 19:24

It's interesting the difference in the OP's tone from the original post, to the later posts.

The original post is quite hesitant, 'what do you think?' 'Am I over-reacting?' And asking if using the present money is 'cruel'.

Moving to being absolutely adamant and unwavering in her position.

Odd.

Original poster
Cuppachino · 18/10/2019 19:25

Trust me these things will keep on creeping up and you don’t want that for your daughter

I will be keeping a very close eye on their friendship. I really hope they grow out of all this soon, it's ridiculous.

It really was like an 18 year abusive relationship

Glad you got rid of her, she sounds horrendous.

OP posts:
RiotAndAlarum · 18/10/2019 19:27

You can stand between your daughter and this narcissist. Do it!

AFairlyHardAvocado · 18/10/2019 19:36

@Queenofeverything44 Ah well done to your DD, it is so lovely that she found her voice and even inspired other kids to do the same! Well done her Thanks

Original poster
Cuppachino · 18/10/2019 19:39

I found out this wk that the bossy popular girl would only let her join in if she was their slave😒. Apparently this has been going on for ages and my dd is just so desperate to fit in that she accepted it

Oh god, that is so desperately sad 😪

Very proud to say dd came home and told me she told bossy to get her own stuff and several other girls followed suit

But yay for your DD, amazing work.

Your dd has learnt to stand up for herself, which is great, but you haven’t said if the party girl is still treating other children like this

Sorry, I forgot to add, when I spoke to DDs friend earlier I told her that it was unfair to other friend as well to have to earn points, she said she would tell her on Monday that she can just come to the party.

OP posts:
Aprillygirl · 18/10/2019 19:51

I can’t believe the amount of name calling grown adults are throwing at an 8yr old child! Fucking hell the powers gone to her head and she’s got a bit bossy that’s all. This sort of behaviour is very common in this age group, she’s just trying to find her place in the world, that’s all. Tell her parents if you must but don’t go running to the teacher over such a trivial thing if you don’t want to be THAT mother. Instead teach your child resilience and the self assurance to be able to navigate the ups and downs of child friendships. At her age, left to her own devices, she would get fed up anyway after a day or two of this and end up saying to her friend something like “I don’t want to come to your party anyway” which would turn the tables on friend and stop her in her tracks without any need for parental or teacher involvement, and it would be a lesson learned organically to both girls without the drama some of you lot seem intent in making Hmm

AryaStarkWolf · 18/10/2019 19:55

Good job OP, looks like it worked out fine in the end

Original poster
Cuppachino · 18/10/2019 20:35

@Toomuchtrouble4me

Just read that you’re encouraging your child to tell friend that she’s spending her birthday money - you’re teaching her to be a total bitch, well done
Awful - your DD and her friend sound well matched!

Awful? I'll tell you what's awful. Before I posted this thread I searched for similar threads looking for advice and found one about

9yo girls friendship situation. Coincidentally you are on that thread saying how your daughter was badly bullied by her friend for a long time which resulted in some serious issues for your daughter, that you missed all the signs.

And yet you come on here and berate me for stepping in and nipping it in the bud. You don't agree with something I said to DD, (that if she doesn't go to the party, she can have the money instead) so you call my child a bitch?? I suggest it is you who is awful.

OP posts:
Homebird8 · 18/10/2019 21:03

I would worry about the present money angle that you may have just taught your daughter that if they don’t give a prensent to someone else then they can keep it for themselves.

If you want to give your DD some money that’s your business and if the money was available because you hadn’t had to buy a birthday present then that is also your business. Telling your child that her receiving money is the consequence of her friend not getting a present is conflating the two. That conflation may result in your DD wondering whether she’d rather have the money or attend the party. And if she goes to the party and you give her the money anyway then it proves that’s the two are unlinked and telling the friend that was not the truth (and was certainly unkind).

Well handled over the acceptance of the invitation under the ‘conditions’ and helping your DD to stand up for herself. Less well handled over the money issue.

Localocal · 18/10/2019 21:24

Speak to the other mum. Very gently. And if that doesn't work then I like itsgettingweird's idea of planning an outing with her competitor instead.

Original poster
Cuppachino · 18/10/2019 21:42

I would worry about the present money angle that you may have just taught your daughter that if they don’t give a prensent to someone else then they can keep it for themselves

She's nearly 9, she's old enough to understand that's not the way it works. She's had party invitations before that she couldn't attend and never got to keep the present money. Anyway, it looks like it's all resolved. until next week probably

OP posts:
Lulualla · 18/10/2019 21:43

You did the right thing in regards to the points and all that nonsense from the friend. It’s absolutely right that your daughter, and you, told the girl that what she was doing was cruel and unacceptable.

But you lost me with telling your daughter to tell her friend that she will be spending the birthday money on herself. She may as well have just gone up to her friend’s face and sang “na na nana na”. It’s petty, spiteful and rude.

What you should teach your child is how to handle these things with dignity, self respect and grace. You should teach her to always be the one who comes out on top and to hold herself to a high standard. You did that by telling her to refuse to join in with the point scoring and to explain, gracefully, to the friend why. But then you ruined it by telling her to tell the friend that her present money will now be spent on something for your daughter. Your daughter had the high ground, and then lost if with a petty, spiteful comment purely designed to rub this girl’s nose in it.

Your daughter should learn to stand up for herself whilst remaining above the fight, don’t get involved in tit for tat, don’t make spiteful or petty comments and don’t rub people noses in things. Just explain your position (not joining in point scoring) and the consequence (won’t attend your party) and leave it at that.

colbyandmontysmum · 18/10/2019 21:53

Well done, Op! I wish I had a Mom like you when I was growing up (and not the one I have who used to tell me off if I had friend difficulties as I was 'bothering her'). I think you're teaching your DD to stand up for herself - this will help so much with confidence building.