Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DD attend her friends birthday party?

253 replies

Cuppachino · 17/10/2019 21:20

DD(8) told me yesterday that her friend at school said to her, that in order to attend her birthday party in a few weeks time, DD must earn points on the 'birthday board' that she's made. She also told their other friend the same. DD said that all day she and other friend were given into trouble by birthday friend and 'lost points' and threatened with not getting invited to party, with DD pleading with her to please let her go.

DD came home quite upset. When she told me all this, I told her that I didn't think this was ok and that birthday friend either invites her or doesn't invite her, she shouldn't be made to earn an invitation and to just talk to her friend tomorrow and tell her to stop with the point scoring. They are very good friends usually and they spend a lot of time together out of school, having sleepovers at each others houses etc.

When she came home from school today she told me that birthday friend was saying the same things so I've now told DD that I won't allow her to be treated like this and we'll go out for the day and get her a treat on the day of the party. She seemed happy enough with this but I'm doubting myself now. What do you all think? Am I over-reacting?

OP posts:
Original poster
Cuppachino · 18/10/2019 13:50

That and mentioning it to the parents. All the hand rubbing glee about spending present money just seems spiteful

Please stop making things up. There is no 'hand rubbing glee'. Why should this fact be hidden from birthday girl? It's what will happen as a direct result of her actions. She is nearly 9, plenty old enough to understand this.

OP posts:
ladyme · 18/10/2019 13:57

If you take a step back from it being your own children - and I admit I have felt rage at things like this when it's been my daughter too - this is an 8 year old child who has let some power go to her head. Yes it needs to be dealt with and sounds like it needs adult intervention.

Honestly OP, why did you seek opinion on this? You have zero interest in what anyone has to say!!

ladyme · 18/10/2019 14:00

@SunshineAngel

As an adult, you can see how this girl was trying to figure out a socially embarrassing situation and using 10 year old logic to gain social capital, can't you? It is awful but it seems to happen all the time, like a developmental stage.

Who knows what our kids are doing in the playground that we know nothing about because other mums chose to decline party invites instead of giving us the chance to intervene and help our kids to learn a proper lesson from it by putting it right.

Jaxhog · 18/10/2019 14:13

I wanted to do this when I was at school. Fortunately, I realized what a totally stupid thing this was!

Original poster
Cuppachino · 18/10/2019 14:24

If you take a step back from it being your own children - and I admit I have felt rage at things like this when it's been my daughter too - this is an 8 year old child who has let some power go to her head. Yes it needs to be dealt with and sounds like it needs adult intervention

The situation has had adult intervention - me.

Honestly OP, why did you seek opinion on this? You have zero interest in what anyone has to say!!

I think I'll go with the 97 % of people who voted that I'm not being unreasonable.

OP posts:
JustDanceAddict · 18/10/2019 14:28

At that age I’d speak to the bday girl’s mum. And not let her go.

Derbee · 18/10/2019 14:36

I voted YANBU. But your updates are making you sound petty. The concept of standing up for yourself is a good one, and the lesson that if you’re mean to people they won’t want to come to your party etc.

But encouraging your child to be petty and mean as retaliation takes you into YABU territory. This child is being an arse, but she’s only 8. You can teach your daughter to stand up for her principles without encouraging her to make petty comments about spending the present money etc etc

Mishappening · 18/10/2019 14:39

Cheeky little madam! Never heard such rubbish before! I think you are doing the right thing - you are basically saying to her that this is manipulative and unacceptable behaviour and that you are taking steps to keep your DD away from it. Sounds good to me.

ladyme · 18/10/2019 14:42

@Cuppachino with your daughter, yes. But your daughter isn't the one with problematic behaviour is she?

ladyme · 18/10/2019 14:44

@Cuppachino I haven't got the voting buttons do so you'll have to imagine my vote. The comments are not 97% with you are they? You honestly sound to me as childish as they are!

Original poster
Cuppachino · 18/10/2019 15:27

You can teach your daughter to stand up for her principles without encouraging her to make petty comments about spending the present money etc etc

How is it a petty comment? It's the truth. Friend will realise that she will miss out on a present because of her behaviour.

OP posts:
Cacacoisfarraige · 18/10/2019 15:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Audreyhelp · 18/10/2019 15:44

Just be careful you are only hearing your daughters side of it . Also you are beginning to sound like the child now . You are teaching your daughter that people only have parties to receive the presents .

Cryalot2 · 18/10/2019 15:45

Flowers op . When your kid hurts you hurt too, regardless of their age.
Of course you are doing the right thing, take your Dd and possibly the other non attendee out for the time or let your dd do something nice and treat her with money that would be spent on a present.
You can message the mum if you want to.

fluffyjumper · 18/10/2019 16:03

The friend is being mean and causing issues I agree. But teaching your dd to act bitter and spiteful back is just if not more mean. If your dd is happy with a day out then why does there need to be some sort of punishment to friend.

This could all backfire on dd and paint her to be the spiteful one and it's clear what dd has said has been planted by you.

When does this game stop?

Original poster
Cuppachino · 18/10/2019 16:05

Just be careful you are only hearing your daughters side of it . Also you are beginning to sound like the child now . You are teaching your daughter that people only have parties to receive the presents

This is not the only lesson in life about presents and gift giving that my daughter has been taught by me. She knows all about gift giving and receiving, she herself sometimes not getting a gift etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cuppachino · 18/10/2019 16:12

But teaching your dd to act bitter and spiteful back is just if not more mean. If your dd is happy with a day out then why does there need to be some sort of punishment to friend

I'll ask yet again how it's spiteful? I've repeatedly said it's the truth, not spiteful. I will not teach DD to be a people-pleaser or to 'perform' to keep friendships.

OP posts:
CalmdownJanet · 18/10/2019 16:13

I hope your dd got on ok today op. For what it's worth I agree with you. We had a friend of dd's try this three years in a row, she was the centre of any shit that happened in the class. I think even at 8 they know this is shitty behaviour, teaching your dd to stand up for herself is definitely the course of action I would take too.

Slappadabass · 18/10/2019 16:17

Sounds like it's about time the birthday girl learnt a lesson especially if this is normal behaviour for her, why should she gets to act awfully towards her friends but everyone tip toe around her so not to hurt her feelings, she's old enough to know better, the comment about the birthday money might actually help it sink in that when she acts like a sod people don't want to be around her. It also teaches your DD not to take this girls shit, win win.

SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing · 18/10/2019 16:18

What happened today?

ActualHornist · 18/10/2019 16:19

I voted YANBU because on your OP, you’re not.

But you are with your further comments. Why won’t you speak to her parents? Have you even declined an invite to them? Because it seems that your focus is on your daughter standing up for herself (which is fine) but at the detriment of the friendship.

They’re 8. Tell her mum she’s doing this and the likelihood is that mum will tell her to pack it in and all will be well. What were you expecting to happen when your daughter said she won’t jump through hoops for an invite??! Neither of them have the maturity to back down!

ChurchillNotTheDog · 18/10/2019 16:21

I had a friend in primary school (I think we were about 9 at the time) and she pretty much did exactly this, it was awful. I totally lost track of her after we went to secondary school as we went to different ones, but in a completely bizarre coincidence she ended up sending her son to the same nursery as mine.

She's still the same nasty cow now that she was at 9 years old. Go figure.

HamsterHuey · 18/10/2019 16:22

When I was a kid my “best friend” would only be my friend if I gave her things/sweets. It was a horrible experience and made me so shy, insecure and hate school. I lost all my confidence. By secondary school she was still doing it but I was able to move away from the drama and make more friends. By the end of secondary she lost all her friends through her horrid behaviour and I was the only one that would even talk to her. My confidence has never been great really since! I am glad you are teaching your child to stand up for herself. I wish I had been able to do that. My school years would have been much better that way! Smile

katewhinesalot · 18/10/2019 16:26

I think what you've said is fine.

The consequence of her not going is having the birthday money spent on your dd instead. If she apologises and it all stops then it will be resolved by the girls themselves. If not, then you'll speak to the parents and explain why dd isn't going. What's so wrong with that?.

Aaarrgghhh · 18/10/2019 16:43

Seems quite manipulative and I don’t think you should earn points to attend a party ffs. If you are friends then you will want them there. I’d probably not let my kid go either if a kid said that to her.

Swipe left for the next trending thread