To not let DD attend her friends birthday party?

[Cuppachino]

DD(8) told me yesterday that her friend at school said to her, that in order to attend her birthday party in a few weeks time, DD must earn points on the 'birthday board' that she's made. She also told their other friend the same. DD said that all day she and other friend were given into trouble by birthday friend and 'lost points' and threatened with not getting invited to party, with DD pleading with her to please let her go.

DD came home quite upset. When she told me all this, I told her that I didn't think this was ok and that birthday friend either invites her or doesn't invite her, she shouldn't be made to earn an invitation and to just talk to her friend tomorrow and tell her to stop with the point scoring. They are very good friends usually and they spend a lot of time together out of school, having sleepovers at each others houses etc.

When she came home from school today she told me that birthday friend was saying the same things so I've now told DD that I won't allow her to be treated like this and we'll go out for the day and get her a treat on the day of the party. She seemed happy enough with this but I'm doubting myself now. What do you all think? Am I over-reacting?

Pretty much exactly the scenario in picture book Willow Finds a Way www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1554538424/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_HtIQDbW808XSG?tag=mumsnetforu03-21
Willow crossed her own name off the birthday invite list, so do the other kids and the birthday gitl apologises and all sorted. Might be useful to reassure her she handled it right.

She's had party invitations before that she couldn't attend and never got to keep the present money.

Exactly my point. She has not kept the present money on other occasions so your choice to give your DD some money was nothing to do with the other child’s birthday. You shouldn’t have encouraged her to try to make the other child feel bad on this count. Your DD telling her that the points system was unreasonable and that she may not accept any invitation was enough.

Well handled. Both girls will hopefully learn valuable lessons that 1. You dont get people to earn your friendship or to attend your party. 2. You don't accept "friends" making you earn party invites.

@tinkerbellvspredator - that's the birthday gift sorted!

@purplepalace OMG! What did you say back to the idiot parent?!

"Friend apologised when DD told her again this morning that she didn't want to earn points to go to her party and told friend she won't be going. Friend told her she didn't need to earn points and can come to party. DD told her she'd have to think about it. They are now out front playing together, all seems peaceful."

Sounds promising.

Seriously don't understand the handwringing and batshittery on this thread. Perhaps if all parents responded in this way, kids would feel confident enough to deal with problems like this.

Sick of parents letting this shit just happen.

I will be keeping a very close eye on their friendship. I really hope they grow out of all this soon, it's ridiculous. I'm sorry to say that you have a few years of it still. My DD is 10 and her and her group of four friends have been having lots of arguments and issues. The arguing and then blanking seemed to peak during year 4 and is getting slightly better now, however there are issues of jealously, expected loyalty when one has an issue with someone else, strong characters laying down the law etc. I find the best thing is to support DD through any issues and be there for her to talk to if she needs to. The problems usually blow up and resolve themselves. Getting too over invested is a bad move and will end up alienating your child. They become quite protective of their friends around 9/10 and won't hear a bad word said about them.

I remember the same thing happening when I was at school, and as hard as it is as a parent, you have to look at this through their eyes and remember that they don't have the emotional maturity we do and this is one of the not so nice parts of growing up.
Obviously bullying is something that has to be tackled, but arguments, bossiness and power struggles are pretty normal at this age.

tinkerbellvspredator - that's the birthday gift sorted!

😂😂😂

Seriously don't understand the handwringing and batshittery on this thread

I don't either, that's why I'm now ignoring the ones who are fizzing at the mouth that I dared to go against their wrong advice.

Getting too over invested is a bad move and will end up alienating your child

This is the only time I've really got involved. I said way back on the thread I usually let them sort it themselves and they always do. I just thought this scenario was a little more serious than the usual fall-outs.

I'm sorry to say that you have a few years of it still

OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I better stock up on the gin then 😭

If you know the advice is wrong, why did you ask for people’s opinions? If you were so sure of your actions why did you ask for others views? I don’t get it. You sound petty to be honest.

that's why I'm now ignoring the ones who are fizzing at the mouth that I dared to go against their wrong advice.

It's never even occurred to me to post any sort of dilemma or issue on Mumsnet, because I don't need other people's advice or opinions.

I'm rock solid in my own ideas, and always feel confident of the path I take.

Why did you post on here, given you clearly feel the same as me?

OP I'm 100% with you in teaching your daughter to realise it is not ok to be treated like that by "friends" and it's fine to tell your daughter that she can buy something with the money that would've been spent on the birthday present but I don't think it's ok to encourage (for want of a better word) your daughter to say that to the girl. In my opinion (and it is only my opinion) it then takes away the moral high ground as it does seem mean spirited to me.

Opinions on IABU. How unreasonable.

Your method has worked as it obviously would the kids are still friends and this normal, but not nice behavior has been nipped in the bud nicely. Your dd has learn not to allow controlling behaviour and how important it is to establish boundaries early on. The friend has learnt that there are consequences if you behave badly.

I just don't understand all these hand wingers.

Nice outcome op.

@Hecateh, Thank you I'm really proud of her, she said she was nervous and worried that everyone would laugh at her and she wouldn't have anyone to play with at breaks @Cuppachino, I'll be honest I went away and cried when I found out especially the way she explained it, like it was her place in life. I was heartbroken , then I was absolutely raging. Dd is such a friendly, kind little soul always inclusive even to the kids who are mean to her. Sadly the mother is one of those "my little demon can do no wrong and it's everybody else who is wrong" parents and her dd is growing up just like her. The playground grapevine has told me that the mother thinks I'm singling out her dd because I'm jealous of well everything, her daughters looks, her talent, her popularity etc etc the list goes on. Apparently she's waiting for me to go and have a go then she's going to tell me about myself. Sooo I just smile at her, say hello and pass the general playground pleantries. Firstly I'm not going to get into a slanging match, secondly but most importantly, I'm teaching my daughter not to hold grudges and my life will go on the same regardless of what she thinks, as life does.
@AFairlyHardAvocado I am pleased she's standing up for herself, I've also explained to her that it's lovely being popular but that she must include everyone, be kind to everyone and not to be big headed or smug. She mustn't let it go to her head. Continue being the sweet likkle lady I know she is. (although I am feeling secretly pleased she put miss bossy in her place, this 10 going on 16 Yr old has ruled and controlled the playground for too long😂)
Playground politics does my head in, some parents teach their children to be so cruel, with kids it's a case of monkey see monkey do.
I once got slated because I changed birthday party activities so an autistic child and the girl with CP could join in.. A few parents cancelled FYI we all had a fab time without them and I made some lovely mum friends who 20yrs later I'm still good friends with (my eldest is 25yrs old)
School is such a small part of your life but it does have a huge impact on your self esteem and your adult mental health, just wish othe parents could see that.
Oh well I'm off to find chocolate. Have a great weekend ppl

The playground grapevine has told me that the mother thinks I'm singling out her dd because I'm jealous of well everything, her daughters looks, her talent, her popularity etc etc the list goes on. Apparently she's waiting for me to go and have a go then she's going to tell me about myself

She certainly thinks a lot about herself doesn't she? It's not hard to see where her little darling gets it from. She must be soooo frustrated that you're not bothered about her😄, well played Queenofeverything44, well played and I'm so glad your lovely DD found her confidence to stand up for herself, heartwarming stuff.

Read the thread (sometimes I can't be bothered and just answer the original question gasps) and I think you've handled it well.

You're right about monkey see, monkey do and you've taught your DD some valuable lessons on knowing her worth and handling herself with dignity and grace without resorting to petty name calling and bullying.

...... now if you could just teach some of these lot the same lesson that would be great.

《《Runs for cover》》

I'm glad it's all worked out. Don't like the 'playground grapevine' business though, it shows you've talked about it to other parents. It's best to keep these things discreet as far as possible. 'Pavement powows' amongst parents outside school are gossipy and rarely friendly or genuine, I avoided them like the plague.

Does her mum know about the birthday points scoring?! If she does I’d be telling her straight that this is ridiculous and your daughter won’t be attending or taking part in this bullying. If the mum isn’t aware then I’d tell my daughter that you carry on. R nice and polite to everyone as I would expect and to ignore this little madams demands

I do think speaking to parents is a good idea.Sensitively though as some can take offense at the idea that their children are not perfect little angels😏 However the idea of punishment and reward is ingrained in most children as its how many parents and schools try to encourage good behaviour.I prefer an approach which teaches children to make good decisions because its right rather than for reward.Dont be too hard on the girl as its simply learnt behaviour.Hope u all get to go and enjoy the party

@Bluerussian.. I haven't spoken about it to anyone except my very close friend. The mother is a drama mum so first thing She did was ask my daughter, without me present I might add, who told her to say those things and of course the answer was "my mummy". She hasn't asked for my version and I refuse to feed the beast. I don't belong to any of the cliques although I always say hi, pass time of day etc. There is one mum I have in my home and another who I meet for coffee (she was badly bullied a few years back all for being an older mum 🤦‍♀️) Most don't even know I've got two older children although when my son first came to collect his sister in uniform they all thought I had a toyboy 😂😂. Brilliant!! I help out at the school if asked but don't attend whine and wine sessions. It was another mum I say hi to who said the above mentioned and my reply was to just laugh. I believe the mother will either move on or create such a fuss that she shows her true colours. Especially if I don't gossip about it. The school may have mentioned it to her as I did report it but made no demands just left it to them to sort. Best thing is to let it play out but if I don't descend into the drama mama category then I can't be accused of bullying. This is the first time I've actually spoken about it other than to my eldest daughter who is 20 and away at uni. I'm 44, I don't partake nor do I enjoy playground politics 😊

I'm also not the OP was just sharing an experience 😊

Queen, thank you for your post. I'm impressed with you. Hope everything works out. Kids are funny, things can change overnight sometimes and are not a big deal to the children but are to parents. I know, have experience :-).

You are doing great.

In agreement with you up to the point where you get vindictive in terms of your daughter spending the present money on herself.

Uncessary to mention that to birthday girl - your daughter not going is punishment enough.

Teaching your daughter to be a hard-nosed/don't mess with me bitch is very unattractive.
Two wrongs do not make a right.