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Original poster

To not let DD attend her friends birthday party?

253 replies

Cuppachino · 17/10/2019 21:20

DD(8) told me yesterday that her friend at school said to her, that in order to attend her birthday party in a few weeks time, DD must earn points on the 'birthday board' that she's made. She also told their other friend the same. DD said that all day she and other friend were given into trouble by birthday friend and 'lost points' and threatened with not getting invited to party, with DD pleading with her to please let her go.

DD came home quite upset. When she told me all this, I told her that I didn't think this was ok and that birthday friend either invites her or doesn't invite her, she shouldn't be made to earn an invitation and to just talk to her friend tomorrow and tell her to stop with the point scoring. They are very good friends usually and they spend a lot of time together out of school, having sleepovers at each others houses etc.

When she came home from school today she told me that birthday friend was saying the same things so I've now told DD that I won't allow her to be treated like this and we'll go out for the day and get her a treat on the day of the party. She seemed happy enough with this but I'm doubting myself now. What do you all think? Am I over-reacting?

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 18/10/2019 10:18

I think it's a great idea what you're doing. basically teaches the girl that she can't force people to behave how she wants by blackmailing them

Original poster
Cuppachino · 18/10/2019 10:18

When is this party OP? Do you have a date yet?

It's in 3 weeks time. So I'm not having DD jumping through hoops and 'performing' every day until then. She's gone to school today and she's telling the friend again that she's not going to the party if she has to collect points. We'll see what friend says today.

See I don't think of it as winding her friend up. I see it more as teaching DD to stand up for herself

@Cuppachino this would be true if you had told your daughter to say she doesn’t mind if she’s not invited, because she’ll do something else. Telling her to say that she’ll be spending the birthday present money, is encouraging your daughter to wind up the friend. It’s pointless, and it puts you in the wrong

Why is it winding up the friend? It's true. I've told DD that she can have the money that would be spent on friends birthday present and she can buy herself something nice instead. The friend will hopefully realise that this happened as a direct result of her own actions. Why shouldn't DD be able to say that's what will happen?

OP posts:
Original poster
Cuppachino · 18/10/2019 10:23

My dd had a friend a bit like this aged 8. She made girls in the class bring her in chocolate bars and pocket money in return for friendship

It reminded me of a protection racket!

😂

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 18/10/2019 10:32

Why is it winding up the friend?

Honestly so fucking what if it's "winding up the friend" anyway? She deserves to be wound up......actions and consequences

Moonsick · 18/10/2019 11:17

This happened to DD as well at the same age. She had to give up her snack every day, only play with this girl at lunch time and was told at the end of the day whether she had been good enough. I only found out after two weeks when DD was distraught to be told the party had happened the previous weekends and she was never on the invite list in the first place. I was incandescent and encouraged Dd away from the friendship. I did mention it to the teacher but I don't know if her parents were told.

It was an excellent lesson for Dd on what not to tolerate from friends,she has always avoided that type of drama since and looks for friends who are kind and straightforward.

Much better to learn this lesson at 8 than 14.

CoraPirbright · 18/10/2019 12:17

3 weeks to go! In which case I would drop the mum a text saying “further to the party in 3 weeks, dd is finding the whole points earning system rather a strain so, to take the pressure off, I just thought I would let you know that she won’t be able to attend. Hope it goes really well & everyone has fun!”

MyKingdomForBrie · 18/10/2019 12:35

Hopefully someone can explain to the party child what she's doing in a way that will actually make her think about her attitudes before they get set in this pattern.

Audreyhelp · 18/10/2019 12:37

Oh just tell her to ignore the points it’s three weeks away . Don’t get involved in it all she is going to have a nice day either way .
If you tell her to the girl she is spending her present money you are making your daughter as spiteful as the birthday girl , in fact worse as you are telling her to say it .

messolini9 · 18/10/2019 12:39

She seemed happy enough with this but I'm doubting myself now.
Your girl is happy, you have demonstrated that she doesn't need to accept poor behaviour, & there is nothig to doubt.

What do you all think? Am I over-reacting?
Absolutely not. In fact it's hilarious - you've tipped the toys out of a manipulative friend's pram, & taken all the power back for your DD.

Congratulations, especially for handling it in a way that leaves DD happy. You've given her a fine example of how to sidestep bullying.

AryaStarkWolf · 18/10/2019 12:39

If you tell her to the girl she is spending her present money you are making your daughter as spiteful as the birthday girl

No she isn't. Standing up for yourself isn't spiteful.

Sceptre86 · 18/10/2019 12:40

Speak to the parents most likely they won't know and can sort their own daughter's behaviour out.

GrumpyHoonMain · 18/10/2019 12:44

You should mention it to the girl’s parents. If my dd was doing this I would cancel her birthday and christmas presents.

Audreyhelp · 18/10/2019 12:45

She can stand up for her self by not doing the things she says it won’t matter to her if she goes to the party or not as her mum will give her a nice day if she doesn’t . Don’t react to her .

cstaff · 18/10/2019 12:47

I think you have handled it perfectly. Either way your DD doesn't lose out and the birthday girl hopefully learns that she cannot play with other peoples feelings like that.

Also no harm to let her mum know if you come across her.

BBoodles · 18/10/2019 12:49

I see an 8 year old kid going a bit power crazy! Does not mean she's evil or nasty although the consequence is unkind and upsetting, I'd shoot the mum a text saying there's a small issue with the girls , your daughter is upset and explain why. I'd want to know if my child was going power crazy but they are kids. They'll make mistakes :) (we make them as adults)

Hoppinggreen · 18/10/2019 12:53

DS had a similar situation when he was 7. A boy was saying he was deciding who to invite to his party and telling various boys if they didn’t do something they wouldn’t get an invite or if they did do something they wouldn’t get an invite. DS really wanted to go but I said whether he got an invitation or not he wasn’t going and we arranged to go out for the day. DS did eventually get an invitation and said he would like to go but I said he couldn’t, apparently most of the invitations given out were refused for some reason!
Make other plans OP and encourage your DD away from this friendship

OkayGo · 18/10/2019 12:54

@CoraPirbright I like that message !

Cacacoisfarraige · 18/10/2019 12:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 18/10/2019 13:10

Moonsick - that was horrible! Your poor DD - the iother girl was a total bitch!

SunshineAngel · 18/10/2019 13:12

My god, this has just taken me right back to Y4 primary, a memory that I haven't so much as thought of for decades.

A friend of mine (who was the class teacher's daughter) was allowed to take 5 friends to our local theme park for her birthday. It was relatively pricey, so not an everyday thing, so we were all desperate to go.

In my eyes, there was an obviously group of 5 who should go, as we were actually in a friendship group of 6, and had been for a couple of years by that point.

But, some of the "popular" kids started nosing around as they wanted to go, so she made a chart that she kept in her desk, and every time someone did something nice for her they gained a point, and then lost one if they did something bad.

It's cringeworthy looking back the kind of things people actually did to get invited to this party. They were giving her their best pens and pencils, their snacks at break, even their portion of dessert at lunch, asking her round for tea at their houses.. it was insane.

I ended up not even getting an invite, and she invited a load of the popular kids because they got the most points.

Weird.

I think you're right to not let her go if her friend is behaving like this, as she needs to learn that she can't control people like this, and hold things over them.

Original poster
Cuppachino · 18/10/2019 13:16

If you tell her to the girl she is spending her present money you are making your daughter as spiteful as the birthday girl , in fact worse as you are telling her to say it

I don't agree. It's not spiteful, it's the truth. Why is it only the birthday friend that shouldn't have 'hurt feelings'?

Congratulations, especially for handling it in a way that leaves DD happy. You've given her a fine example of how to sidestep bullying

Thank you.

DS really wanted to go but I said whether he got an invitation or not he wasn’t going and we arranged to go out for the day. DS did eventually get an invitation and said he would like to go but I said he couldn’t, apparently most of the invitations given out were refused for some reason!

If birthday boy apologised would you have let you son go?

OP posts:
flouncyfanny · 18/10/2019 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 18/10/2019 13:38

Tbh, you seem to be forgetting that the child is only 8. Just telling her that she won't be going cause she doesn't like the chart would have been enough. That and mentioning it to the parents. All the hand rubbing glee about spending present money just seems spiteful.

As for the person who mentioned the sleepover tally chart, surely that's the exact opposite of this? It's saying "you've left me out and I want to be included". Yes, the method was pretty bolshy but far from bullying?

Hoppinggreen · 18/10/2019 13:43

cuppa we’ll never know because he didn’t apologise

Brefugee · 18/10/2019 13:44

i think @CoraPirbright has given the best answer

let the mum know in a way that doesn't point any fingers.

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