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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DD attend her friends birthday party?

253 replies

Cuppachino · 17/10/2019 21:20

DD(8) told me yesterday that her friend at school said to her, that in order to attend her birthday party in a few weeks time, DD must earn points on the 'birthday board' that she's made. She also told their other friend the same. DD said that all day she and other friend were given into trouble by birthday friend and 'lost points' and threatened with not getting invited to party, with DD pleading with her to please let her go.

DD came home quite upset. When she told me all this, I told her that I didn't think this was ok and that birthday friend either invites her or doesn't invite her, she shouldn't be made to earn an invitation and to just talk to her friend tomorrow and tell her to stop with the point scoring. They are very good friends usually and they spend a lot of time together out of school, having sleepovers at each others houses etc.

When she came home from school today she told me that birthday friend was saying the same things so I've now told DD that I won't allow her to be treated like this and we'll go out for the day and get her a treat on the day of the party. She seemed happy enough with this but I'm doubting myself now. What do you all think? Am I over-reacting?

OP posts:
Bluerussian · 18/10/2019 16:48

I don't think the op has been unreasonable.

I do feel that you should speak to the girl's mother though, op. She may be totally in the dark about what her daughter is doing, nobody would think that was right behaviour.

MQv2 · 18/10/2019 16:59

Yeah I'm part of the 97% who think the original sentiment and question yanbu

But am in compete agreement with those who also think the follow up post about getting your daughter to tell the birthday girl about spending the present money on herself is mean, spiteful and designed to wind up the child who has wronged your daughter rather than deescalating the situation

BarrenFieldofFucks · 18/10/2019 17:03

If I had voted purely on your OP I would have said yanbu. But luckily I didn't vote until I had read all of your subsequent posts.

Belfield · 18/10/2019 17:15

I didn't vote but think you are not unreasonable to say your daughter cannot go to the party. I do however think you are unreasonable to tell your daughter to tell her "friend" that she will be spending her birthday money. It seems there is a reason these two girls are friends, maybe they are more alike than you like to think. If I told my son to say this, he would refuse to as it is clearly mean spirited.

Gazelda · 18/10/2019 17:26

Of course your DD shouldn't go to the party. And yes, she should get a day out instead.

But getting her to tell the friend that what was to have been spent on a gift is now being spent on the day out is spiteful. I can see how you think it may be teaching the girl a lesson, but how dare you presume that it's your place to teach the lesson? That is her parents' responsibility. Which I'm sure they would do if you let them know what has been going on.

I hope the friend learns from this, and I hope your DD has a nice day out.

And I also hope that you take the majority opinions on this thread on board and reconsider encouraging your DD to say something that will cause upset within the friendship. She should stand up for herself, yes. But she can do that by saying she's choosing not to come to the party because of the lints system. That should be sufficient to get the message across.

Gazelda · 18/10/2019 17:27

Points, not lints!

Original poster
Cuppachino · 18/10/2019 17:32

What happened today?

Friend apologised when DD told her again this morning that she didn't want to earn points to go to her party and told friend she won't be going. Friend told her she didn't need to earn points and can come to party. DD told her she'd have to think about it. They are now out front playing together, all seems peaceful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cuppachino · 18/10/2019 17:34

but how dare you presume that it's your place to teach the lesson?

How dare you tell me it's not my place.

OP posts:
Cloudhopping · 18/10/2019 17:42

The friend is 8. I agree the behaviour isn’t nice, but it’s hardly the evil wicked act some posters are making it out to be. She’s learning, just like your dd.

Yes it would have annoyed me as a parent but I think I would have had a quiet word with the parents, problem solved. I wouldn’t have punished my dd by not allowing her to go to the party.

I think you’re in danger of making more of a drama out of this than it needs to be.

Lovemenorca · 18/10/2019 17:46

Op
You are worse than the 8 year old birthday girl with your suggestion.

Cloudhopping · 18/10/2019 17:47

Posted before I saw your update Op. Long may the peace continue!

Audreyhelp · 18/10/2019 17:51

That’s kids for you .. falling out one day friends the next . They sorted it no need for you to get involved really . Kids sort it out themselves.

73Sunglasslover · 18/10/2019 17:51

Fab idea. Book something nice in and then when you get the invite explain clearly why she's not free.

Sparrowlegs248 · 18/10/2019 17:54

Good outcome. I do think you should speak to the parents though, id be horrified if my child behaved like this, and would hope someone would tell me so I could deal with it myself too.

whatsleep · 18/10/2019 17:54

So now this has taken a twist for your daughter. She now has the higher ground and is letting the birthday girl wait for her decision as to whether she will accept the invite! Sounds like between them they have dealt with it, with some guidance from you.... well done Wine

Toomuchtrouble4me · 18/10/2019 17:56

It’s just kids spouting nonsense, if you’re that bothered then let the mother know but interfering and keeping your child away will cause more conflict and make a little power play escalate. Let your DD deal with it and butt out.

bossybloss · 18/10/2019 17:57

Aww..I would definitely speak to the parents.She is probably emulating what happens in classrooms across the land ...points for achieving which can be “taken off” for bad behaviour ...then GOLDEN time on a Friday afternoon, x

Toomuchtrouble4me · 18/10/2019 17:59

Just read that you’re encouraging your child to tell friend that she’s spending her birthday money - you’re teaching her to be a total bitch, well done.
Awful - your DD and her friend sound well matched!

Dollywilde · 18/10/2019 18:02

OP I think you’ve done the right thing.

I was in the exact same situation as a 12 year old. I continued being ‘friends’ with the girl through my 20s. It was a total power play, and the relationship was really damaging for me.

I decided to see what happened if I didn’t invite her to stuff and we didn’t see each other for 18 months. She didn’t contact me directly during that time (it had always been me running to her before then).

Eventually at the end of the 18 months I sent her an evening invite to my wedding. She threw a bitch fit that I hadn’t invited her to the full day (despite the 18 month NC) and blocked me.

I honestly wish I’d put my foot down with her 18 years ago.

Well done you and your DD for nipping this shit in the bud Smile

Lovemenorca · 18/10/2019 18:05

Eventually at the end of the 18 months I sent her an evening invite to my wedding.

Totally baffling why you would do this

Purpleartichoke · 18/10/2019 18:05

If my dd was doing this to her friends, I would want to know. We would have a very long talk about how we treat people and that conversation would recur frequently over the subsequent months.

PeopleMover · 18/10/2019 18:06

This thread is full of grown adults behaving like children!

Kids are always saying "You're not coming to my party if you don't...X"

It's completely normal childlike behaviour. Why on earth would an adult get involved? Other than to maybe tell the parents what they had been saying, but personally I think even that is a little OTT.

Sometimes you just have to let children work things out for themselves and not encourage the drama. And why anyone would actively try and whip up the situation even more is beyond me.

Dollywilde · 18/10/2019 18:08

Total FOG @Lovemenorca. It really was like an 18 year abusive relationship. I look back and it was ludicrous but I felt like I had to give her that chance. I’m delighted she proved herself to be the person I deep down knew her to be and let me cut the ties that bound us guilt free.

ahmadsmom2015 · 18/10/2019 18:11

That is disgusting behaviour by the so called friend and you should report this to the teacher and ensure you write a letter to the headteacher too and nip the bud in the whatever the quote is. Trust me these things will keep on creeping up and you don’t want that for your daughter. If anyone thinks I’m over reacting then you probably don’t know the consequences of such so called friends. I have seen this happen too many times with friends and
Family Children’s. Anyways you are not over reacting or being unreasonable. Sorry about grammar. I’m over tired 😓

Buddytheelf85 · 18/10/2019 18:13

Reeeally crass to teach your DD to bring money into it.