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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not let DD attend her friends birthday party?

253 replies

Cuppachino · 17/10/2019 21:20

DD(8) told me yesterday that her friend at school said to her, that in order to attend her birthday party in a few weeks time, DD must earn points on the 'birthday board' that she's made. She also told their other friend the same. DD said that all day she and other friend were given into trouble by birthday friend and 'lost points' and threatened with not getting invited to party, with DD pleading with her to please let her go.

DD came home quite upset. When she told me all this, I told her that I didn't think this was ok and that birthday friend either invites her or doesn't invite her, she shouldn't be made to earn an invitation and to just talk to her friend tomorrow and tell her to stop with the point scoring. They are very good friends usually and they spend a lot of time together out of school, having sleepovers at each others houses etc.

When she came home from school today she told me that birthday friend was saying the same things so I've now told DD that I won't allow her to be treated like this and we'll go out for the day and get her a treat on the day of the party. She seemed happy enough with this but I'm doubting myself now. What do you all think? Am I over-reacting?

OP posts:
wildcherries · 17/10/2019 21:48

I'd speak to the parents. That's not right. Definitely you're not unreasonable.

PerceptionIsReality · 17/10/2019 21:48

I think you’ve done the right thing but I can get that it’s confusing for 8 yr olds whose parents use reward charts etc (don’t like them myself) to understand that them trying to control their friends this way is not acceptable. I don’t see it as majorly sinister however or that the child is that much of a brat as some have suggested. She’s clearly enjoying a bit of power and acting like the parent and that’s understandable even if not acceptable.

If you do speak to the parents (not a bad idea in principle) I’d definitely not start off as judgementally as Widdlin suggested.

Original poster
Cuppachino · 17/10/2019 21:49

Any chance you could get in early and invite the other contender for a day out with DD that day?

😂 That would certainly solve the issue.

OP posts:
category12 · 17/10/2019 21:50

I'd speak to the mum.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/10/2019 21:51

YANBU. birthday girl sounds like a bullying little cow. Your DD will have a much better time with you and a treat! God knows what party games are lined up.... 'Who bought me the biggest present?" comes to mind. Keep your DD out of it!

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 17/10/2019 21:55

I will inform them of this if nothing is resolved by the weekend

What do you mean by this? What resolution are you expecting by the weekend? You are sending your daughter in to tell her she won't be going to her party. So surely that's that. If you want to leave the door open for your daughter and friend to find another resolution where the birthday girl drops the reward chart and invites everyone then you cannot send your child in telling her she is not going to the party anyway. They're 8 they don't get subtlety and double bluff etc...

Original poster
Cuppachino · 17/10/2019 21:56

I'd be a bit worried about the friendship in general tbh, I'd wonder if there's usually a power play at work

There has been a few issues with this friend. The last issue was when the friend asked DD to call round for her after school,(she only lives on the next road to us) and when DD got there the friend shouted through the door to go away, she was playing with her 'new' friend(another girl from the estate) and that DD was boring. DD came home a bit upset and I advised her to just not bother calling for her again and that she can't treat people like that and expect to have any friends left. They made up the next day with the friend apologising and it was all forgotten about.

OP posts:
ladyme · 17/10/2019 21:57

Aw try to sort it out before being mean!

Get your daughter to say what someone up there said about her mum saying it's not fair to make your friends score points and see if that gives it a wake up call.

If not, tell either mum (who will be horrified) or a teacher (who will have seen it all before.

Don't write this girl off. It's really typical 8 year old behaviour and the nicest girls can get carried away with ridiculous notions of their own importance. Taking out your daughter and the other girl would be really cruel and sinking to an 8 year olds level!

CampingItUp · 17/10/2019 21:58

Tell your Dd to say "either you would like me to come and celebrate your birthday or you would not: it's up to you, but I am not interested in your point scoring system"

And if I knew the Mum I would say "XX seems to be taking the invitation system for her party rather seriously - did you know about the point scoring system she has set up?"

Breathlessness · 17/10/2019 21:58

It’s amazing isn’t it. All the changes in the last 30 odd years and 8 year olds are still wheeling out variations on the ‘you can only come to my party if you’re nice to me’ that I remember from childhood. If it helps, that girl improved a lot by the time we were 17 Grin

You’ve handled it perfectly.

INeedAFlerken · 17/10/2019 21:58

I think you've done the right thing as well. I'd also let the parents know if you're on friendly enough terms with them.

Bluerussian · 17/10/2019 22:00

You're not unreasonable but things change in the lives of children so quickly, the points system may be abandoned by the time the party comes around. It's a very odd thing for an eight year old to think of, I wonder where she got the idea and if her parents know.

Original poster
Cuppachino · 17/10/2019 22:02

I will inform them of this if nothing is resolved by the weekend

What do you mean by this? What resolution are you expecting by the weekend? You are sending your daughter in to tell her she won't be going to her party. So surely that's that. If you want to leave the door open for your daughter and friend to find another resolution where the birthday girl drops the reward chart and invites everyone then you cannot send your child in telling her she is not going to the party anyway. They're 8 they don't get subtlety and double bluff etc...

DD will tell her friend tomorrow that she's not going to the party. Perhaps her friend will apologise and stop with the points system. If not then I will inform the parents as to why DD will not be attending the party.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cuppachino · 17/10/2019 22:04

Aw try to sort it out before being mean!

Get your daughter to say what someone up there said about her mum saying it's not fair to make your friends score points and see if that gives it a wake up call

DD told her friend that today. It didn't stop the friend carrying on with the points system.

OP posts:
Ciwirocks · 17/10/2019 22:05

Ahh I think you are overreacting a bit, they are only 8 and kids do daft things without always thinking about how they come across. I would have a plan b and tell your dd to take no notice if she doesn’t get invited then you can take her out somewhere instead. I wouldn’t encourage my dd to wind the birthday girl up in return

morrisseysquif · 17/10/2019 22:06

Tell the parents regardless of whether she stops it or not, this kind of manipulative behaviour needs to be nipped in the bud.

Wildorchidz · 17/10/2019 22:06

They are 8 years old. For goodness sake stop faffing around trying to get your daughter to resolve this. Pick up the bloody phone and call her mother.

Mitzicoco · 17/10/2019 22:08

Looks like you've dodged a bullet!

Thatnovembernight · 17/10/2019 22:08

I actually think this is pretty common, albeit this is an extreme version and children have usually grown out of the birthday invite threats by 8. However the other incident with her being asked to call in and then being turned away is really horrible. I’d definitely be steering her towards other friendships.
Rather than going to the parents I would actually mention to the teacher that this has been happening at school and that more than one child has been upset by it. If they are any good they could nip this is the bud without anything else being said or done.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 17/10/2019 22:13

What a b*tch friend - child or not, she is being horrible.

It would serve her right if she ended up blowing her candles out alone!

You did right - your DD deserves better treatment than this.

Original poster
Cuppachino · 17/10/2019 22:13

I wouldn’t encourage my dd to wind the birthday girl up in return

See I don't think of it as winding her friend up. I see it more as teaching DD to stand up for herself. DD is very forgiving and sometimes it worries me that she's taken advantage of but I usually let them all work their squabbles out for themselves. This situation just seemed a bit cruel to me.

OP posts:
bottlenose301 · 17/10/2019 22:14

Good plan OP. And I'm glad you DD is on board with it which says it all.

LEELULUMPKIN · 17/10/2019 22:14

I would HAVE to say something to the parents? Where on earth is the kid even getting that idea from?

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 17/10/2019 22:17

Does your daughter understand that she has the option to go? If you tell her to go tell her friend she's not going and going out for a nice day instead, even if the friend apologises and says she can go your daughter might tell her her mam said she's not allowed!

I think you'd be better telling your daughter to tell her she's not interested in earning an invitation.

fuzzymoon · 17/10/2019 22:17

I think your D should be clear.

The reward chart is not a nice thing to do and I'm not allowed to go to your party if you continue using it.

Kids need it explained as they don't always understand that their actions can hurt feelings.

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