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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not let DD attend her friends birthday party?

253 replies

Cuppachino · 17/10/2019 21:20

DD(8) told me yesterday that her friend at school said to her, that in order to attend her birthday party in a few weeks time, DD must earn points on the 'birthday board' that she's made. She also told their other friend the same. DD said that all day she and other friend were given into trouble by birthday friend and 'lost points' and threatened with not getting invited to party, with DD pleading with her to please let her go.

DD came home quite upset. When she told me all this, I told her that I didn't think this was ok and that birthday friend either invites her or doesn't invite her, she shouldn't be made to earn an invitation and to just talk to her friend tomorrow and tell her to stop with the point scoring. They are very good friends usually and they spend a lot of time together out of school, having sleepovers at each others houses etc.

When she came home from school today she told me that birthday friend was saying the same things so I've now told DD that I won't allow her to be treated like this and we'll go out for the day and get her a treat on the day of the party. She seemed happy enough with this but I'm doubting myself now. What do you all think? Am I over-reacting?

OP posts:
HouseworkAvoider10 · 17/10/2019 23:59

You need to speak to her parents.

Awful Sad

Grandmi · 18/10/2019 00:06

TBH ..this bad behaviour is a response to the parents bad / shit behaviour towards other human beings...am worried about how these little people will turn out as adults!!

Wildorchidz · 18/10/2019 00:10

TBH ..this bad behaviour is a response to the parents bad / shit behaviour towards other human beings...am worried about how these little people will turn out as adults!!

How do you know ? The op hasn’t spoken to the child’s parents. They may have no idea what their daughter is doing

SandyY2K · 18/10/2019 00:11

I think you're right in getting your child to stand up for herself and not be manipulated.

This other child knows what she's doing is wrong. Children know right from wrong at this age and I would simply tell my DD I'm not allowing her to go to the party.

I'm not going to start contacting the mum...about a party I don't know for sure is even happening and relay this nonsense. That's too much drama.

I will only deal with my own child....because if the other girl gets into trouble over it...my child will be blamed and that's not going to help the friendship either.

When a child in DDs class told her she was only in inviting white people to her party, I didn't feel the need to tell her mum.

I don't want my child going where she's not welcome.

If she has a poor turnout... she'll rethink the brownie or points system next time.

Don't for one minute think she doesn't know what she's doing.

Creepster · 18/10/2019 00:19

It might just be a big misunderstanding and the 8 year old birthday child is emulating behavior they saw on the TV.

EhhWellINever · 18/10/2019 00:19

Actions have consequences is exactly the lesson it will teach to both children.

Your DD explaining that she isn’t going because of friends actions IS the consequence. Spitefully saying “ner ner I’m going to spend your birthday present money” is teaching your child go one step further and actively seek out to hurt someone else. Revenge and spiteful. But if you want to teach your child to be as nasty as you go for it.

Original poster
Cuppachino · 18/10/2019 00:22

Thanks SandyY2K I definitely think I'm right to show DD to not tolerate this behaviour from her friend.

When a child in DDs class told her she was only in inviting white people to her party, I didn't feel the need to tell her mum

Oh my goodness Sandy, that is absolutely despicable Shock.

OP posts:
Wildorchidz · 18/10/2019 00:30

When a child in DDs class told her she was only in inviting white people to her party, I didn't feel the need to tell her mum.

Was that a child that your child was very friendly with outside school? Did your child have sleepovers in that child’s house?

Audreyhelp · 18/10/2019 01:00

They are eight year old girls . Tell your daughter that if she doesn’t get invited you can go out and have a nice day anyway.
Yes she doesn’t sound nice but sometimes people don’t realise what their own child is doing either.
You are the adult and you are telling your child you are going to spend the present money .

Sunshine93 · 18/10/2019 01:23

When a child in DDs class told her she was only in inviting white people to her party, I didn't feel the need to tell her mum

Fucking hell! I wouldn't have told the mum in this case either as I would assume they were shitty racists. I would have told the teacher though as I wouldn't want to think of any non white child in the class having to listen to that bollocks.

op in your case I would tell the parents, regardless of what happens tomorrow. I don't think you have done anything wrong though.

user1573334 · 18/10/2019 01:34

It's horrible, but it's a 7 year old kid, and they do weird and horrible things like this because they are only kids. My DD1 had a friend at about the same age who said she could only come to her party if she would be her slave, I remember being furious at the time, but this particular girl is quite a well rounded teenager now! I would send a (very light hearted) message to the girls mum. Or even pull the girl up on it yourself in a jokey way in the playground 'Whats all this about points to come to your party Ella? Has DD made it through today's round, I don't want to buy a present until we are sure she won't be disqualified...'

StoppinBy · 18/10/2019 01:46

Speak to the parents if you know them and also the school. I think it's best if both her parents and the school approach it in an anonymous way though or else your daughter is going to end up paying the price unfortunately if the birthday girl turns nasty.

If I were the parents of the other girl I would be cancelling any birthday party plans myself.

I am not sure if I would stop my daughter going if there is a party though. I think you need to make that decision based on what you know about the girls.

Mothership4two · 18/10/2019 02:05

Not overreacting but I would talk to the girl's parents (nicely), who are probably blissfully unaware, and I think I'd have a quick word with the teacher so that she knows what is going on in her class.

It would not be a nice thing to do (so am not advocating this), but it she would really learn a lesson if all the 'competitors' decided not to go to her party!

user1474894224 · 18/10/2019 02:21

My son had this a couple of weeks ago. 1 friend told him and another friend there was only 1 birthday spot and they would have to have a penalty shoot out to see who was getting it. He had them practising for days at break. I stood back and watched because my son wasn't massively bothered at this point and I knew the mum would have been absolutely mortified and embarrassed if I said anything as she is so lovely. When the invites came out they absolutely went to both boys - as I said the mum is lovely and would never pick between 2 good friends. (Although I was ready to be Shock if there had only been one invite. LOL). Kids will be kids. Intervene if your daughter's upset....otherwise just wait and watch.

msmith501 · 18/10/2019 06:41

Of course, your DD could explain that she isn't going to the party as her mean friend hasn't scored enough points to merit the attention...

bigvig · 18/10/2019 07:21

I wouldn't bother speaking to the parents. They'll either try to sort it out so your dd goes - it sounds like she was happy not to - or will get angry at you and it may make things worse for your dd at school. The child will get a strong message by your dd not going. Your dd would also do well to distance herself. She'll also feel good for standing up for herself.

itsgettingweird · 18/10/2019 07:23

Totally agree that kids this age do do weird and shitty things.

But don't agree that once they've been pulled up on it then it's not the right thing to do to walk away if the behaviour continues.

Better to learn at 7/8 that shitty behaviour doesn't get you friendship than at 13/14.

I've seen it happen. My friends dd was like this and she shrugged it off as "kids being kids". 7 years later it stopped washing at secondary and she became isolated and ended up having to leave school as she couldn't cope. Kids do need to learn friendship is based on mutual respect. And having others not going along with your controlling and bribing is the first step.

redcarbluecar · 18/10/2019 07:35

I remember kids like this from when I was 8, and I probably had an element of it too. I think you’re right to encourage DD to stand up for herself / use it as a bit of a life lesson, but you maybe need to decide for sure whether DD will go to the party (as I’m sure friend expects) or not. If she doesn’t mind the alternative, then perhaps ‘not’ is best.
Or you could encourage her to behave so badly towards her friend that she has no hope of getting enough birthday points anyway! Smile

Ski4130 · 18/10/2019 07:49

A girl in dd’s (age 9/10) class behaved the same recently - the potential invitees lost points for such crimes as having an untidy desk, or not having a hydro water bottle. Every day there was a pass/fail mark awarded (?!) Unfortunately for birthday girl several of the girls told their parents, and out of the 12 girls invited, 6 of us had already (individually) decided the same as you op, and are taking our daughters out for a nice afternoon instead of being judged and found lacking at birthday girls party. I did mention when asked by birthday girls mum that my dd was unsure if she was being invited or not, as birthday girl had spent the week prior to invites being handed out telling her she wasn’t, so we’d made other plans. She looked a bit fed up, and I know I wasn’t the first to mention it to her.

EleanorReally · 18/10/2019 07:53

i think this is quite common behaviour from 8 year olds.
that is how they see life

CoraPirbright · 18/10/2019 09:00

Good grief! What a horrid little madam - that thing where she invited your dd to play and then shouted for her to go away and that she was boring!! She clearly has form. I am sure she will turn out to be a lovely teen/adult but just now she is really not being nice. When is this party OP? Do you have a date yet?

I would mention to the mum “when is (name)’s party going to be? Just wondering if I am supposed to keep the date open as this point system thing means we might not be coming” and when she looks non-plussed, you can explain what’s been going on.

Yummymummy2020 · 18/10/2019 09:10

Nope I think you found the perfect solution, I would do the exact same thing it’s a fantastic idea! This friend sounds like such a little diva I wouldn’t be too sorry if that relationship came to an end😂😂😂

Derbee · 18/10/2019 09:41

See I don't think of it as winding her friend up. I see it more as teaching DD to stand up for herself

@Cuppachino this would be true if you had told your daughter to say she doesn’t mind if she’s not invited, because she’ll do something else. Telling her to say that she’ll be spending the birthday present money, is encouraging your daughter to wind up the friend. It’s pointless, and it puts you in the wrong.

Whistle73 · 18/10/2019 09:49

My dd had a friend a bit like this aged 8. She made girls in the class bring her in chocolate bars and pocket money in return for friendship.

It reminded me of a protection racket! I didn't hesitate in telling the teacher and it was soon stamped out.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 18/10/2019 10:12

happy children don't behave like this

No - but bossy, entitled ones do!