Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DD attend her friends birthday party?

253 replies

Cuppachino · 17/10/2019 21:20

DD(8) told me yesterday that her friend at school said to her, that in order to attend her birthday party in a few weeks time, DD must earn points on the 'birthday board' that she's made. She also told their other friend the same. DD said that all day she and other friend were given into trouble by birthday friend and 'lost points' and threatened with not getting invited to party, with DD pleading with her to please let her go.

DD came home quite upset. When she told me all this, I told her that I didn't think this was ok and that birthday friend either invites her or doesn't invite her, she shouldn't be made to earn an invitation and to just talk to her friend tomorrow and tell her to stop with the point scoring. They are very good friends usually and they spend a lot of time together out of school, having sleepovers at each others houses etc.

When she came home from school today she told me that birthday friend was saying the same things so I've now told DD that I won't allow her to be treated like this and we'll go out for the day and get her a treat on the day of the party. She seemed happy enough with this but I'm doubting myself now. What do you all think? Am I over-reacting?

OP posts:
Original poster
Cuppachino · 17/10/2019 22:51

Caledoniahasmyheartforever

Thank you so much for the book recommendations, they look great.

OP posts:
switcharoo · 17/10/2019 22:53

I think you're doing the right thing and teaching your daughter an important lesson in self worth

BlackCatSleeping · 17/10/2019 22:53

I mean from the other girl's point of view. If you found out that your daughter had done something like this and the other parents had just banned their kids from attending the party rather than speaking to you, how would you feel? I bet you'd feel really upset that no one talked to you about what was going on. Friendships are 2 way streets. If you feel it's better that your daughter deals with it, a better way would be "I think this point system is mean spirited and unfair. I don't want to attend your party if you continue to do this".

murmuration · 17/10/2019 22:55

it's a very odd thing for an eight year old to think of

Actually, I don't think it's odd at all. I agree with museumum and qu1tter - stuff like this is all around kids.

My daughter has been inundated with points-based things in her three-so-far years of school. House points, dojo points, points aimed at specific events, etc. In some of them the one with the most points gets to pick 1-2 friends to enjoy the reward the school provides. I totally don't see it a big jump for a kid to think points-for-party. Heck, some of my kids points at school were for party-related things!

Original poster
Cuppachino · 17/10/2019 23:02

a better way would be "I think this point system is mean spirited and unfair. I don't want to attend your party if you continue to do this"

Words to that effect were said to birthday girl today, she still continued.

OP posts:
ladyme · 17/10/2019 23:08

In that case it needs adult intervention - either from her parents or her teacher.

Surely you can see how it would be interpreted by an 8 year old if her friends don't come to her party? And what are you going to say to the parents when you decline the invite?

One day your daughter will misjudge something like this and get too big for her boots, how would you like that to be handled?

BlackCatSleeping · 17/10/2019 23:08

Words to that effect were said to birthday girl today, she still continued.

In which case, speak to her mum.

If her mum approves of the system, then it's time to tell your daughter that this isn't a good friend for her and its best not to attend the party.

If you had a problem at work, that could not be resolved after speaking to the person, you'd be advised to discuss it with HR.

SandyY2K · 17/10/2019 23:10

YANBU.

I'd tell DD she's not going to the party.

I can't stand that kind of behaviour of her friend.

I'd also hope all the other mums do the same and she gets a poor turn out. That'll serve her right.

purplepalace · 17/10/2019 23:13

Words to that effect were said to birthday girl today, she still continued

In that case I'm surprised you haven't already contacted the mum. Your DD has said exactly the right thing to no avail. (I'd be speaking to the teacher myself, but you've already mentioned that would be inappropriate as you know the parents)

OooErMissus · 17/10/2019 23:14

If you found out that your daughter had done something like this and the other parents had just banned their kids from attending the party rather than speaking to you, how would you feel? I bet you'd feel really upset that no one talked to you about what was going on.

I'm usually the last one to recommend parents getting involved - and would rather give my child/ren the tools to deal with issues themselves - but I completely agree with this.

It is different when you know, and are friendly, with the parents as well.

I think you just don't want to have a hard conversation, so you're taking the easy way out.

And I think @BlackCatSleeping is right - you would be upset in the parents' shoes, if the situation were reversed.

Creepster · 17/10/2019 23:20

Sounds like the same sort of thing adults, both parents and teachers, do to children with points score boards.

VenusTiger · 17/10/2019 23:23

I think her parents would be shocked and appalled by this behaviour and would probably threaten to cancel the party.
She’s obviously a bossy little girl, and I think you’ve done totally the right thing OP, in teaching your DD not to put up with bullying like this.
That’s how I see it, bullying.
I wonder, is the friend a youngest sibling? Just a thought that she may get treated like this at home and then come school time, she treats her dearest friends in the same way.

Original poster
Cuppachino · 17/10/2019 23:24

One day your daughter will misjudge something like this and get too big for her boots, how would you like that to be handled?

Hmm
OP posts:
BlackCatSleeping · 17/10/2019 23:27

Oh, well. I feel it's falling on deaf ears. I do think Sandy Y2K made my point perfectly.

YANBU.

I'd tell DD she's not going to the party.

I can't stand that kind of behaviour of her friend.

I'd also hope all the other mums do the same and she gets a poor turn out. That'll serve her right.

This is exactly how your actions are coming across.

ladyme · 17/10/2019 23:29

@Cuppachino seriously??! They all have their moments!

Original poster
Cuppachino · 17/10/2019 23:29

I wonder, is the friend a youngest sibling?

Yes she is the youngest sibling.

OP posts:
ladyme · 17/10/2019 23:30

@BlackCatSleeping yep. Spiteful towards an 8 year old! And her mum who is probably oblivious to this and is looking forward to treating her daughter to a party

Grandmi · 17/10/2019 23:31

Am sorry but havnt bothered reading the comments....dear Mums / Dads ...do you really think that this is how your children should be brought up ?!! Bloody shocking ..your children should choose their friends because they are kind and friendly! Think the parent of Birthday child needs a friendly chat !!

Original poster
Cuppachino · 17/10/2019 23:32

Oh, well. I feel it's falling on deaf ears

In which case, speak to her mum

I have already said what I will do.

DD will tell her friend tomorrow that she's not going to the party. Perhaps her friend will apologise and stop with the points system. If not then I will inform the parents as to why DD will not be attending the party

OP posts:
ladyme · 17/10/2019 23:35

@Cuppachino but that's not speaking to the parents in the sense of getting them to pull their kid into line is it? It's telling them she's not going.

BlackCatSleeping · 17/10/2019 23:35

But you are not giving the parents a chance to resolve the issue.

EhhWellINever · 17/10/2019 23:39

See I don't think of it as winding her friend up. I see it more as teaching DD to stand up for herself.
Standing up for herself by saying she’s not going to the party because friend had been mean is one thing is fine. It’s teaching her friend that actions have consequences. Rubbing her face in the fact she will be spending her present money is just as mean as the friend is being and seems very spiteful to deliberately cause upset imo.

Original poster
Cuppachino · 17/10/2019 23:44

It’s teaching her friend that actions have consequences. Rubbing her face in the fact she will be spending her present money is just as mean as the friend is being and seems very spiteful to deliberately cause upset imo

Actions have consequences is exactly the lesson it will teach to both children.

OP posts:
Wildorchidz · 17/10/2019 23:54

I think you are actually behaving really badly here. These are young children. Not teenagers.
Tell her parents.

Wildorchidz · 17/10/2019 23:56

Your behaviour is worse than the 8 year old birthday child’s.