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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DD attend her friends birthday party?

253 replies

Cuppachino · 17/10/2019 21:20

DD(8) told me yesterday that her friend at school said to her, that in order to attend her birthday party in a few weeks time, DD must earn points on the 'birthday board' that she's made. She also told their other friend the same. DD said that all day she and other friend were given into trouble by birthday friend and 'lost points' and threatened with not getting invited to party, with DD pleading with her to please let her go.

DD came home quite upset. When she told me all this, I told her that I didn't think this was ok and that birthday friend either invites her or doesn't invite her, she shouldn't be made to earn an invitation and to just talk to her friend tomorrow and tell her to stop with the point scoring. They are very good friends usually and they spend a lot of time together out of school, having sleepovers at each others houses etc.

When she came home from school today she told me that birthday friend was saying the same things so I've now told DD that I won't allow her to be treated like this and we'll go out for the day and get her a treat on the day of the party. She seemed happy enough with this but I'm doubting myself now. What do you all think? Am I over-reacting?

OP posts:
purplepalace · 17/10/2019 22:20

This reminds me of a situation with my DD at a similar age.

Her friend drew up a table of all the friends she'd had over to play or for a sleepover, with a tick next to their name for each time with who had invited her back...she then gave them each a slip of paper and told them to take them home to the DM's...

'A owes me 1 play date and 1 sleepover'
'B owes me 1 sleepover'
'C owes me 2 play dates'
Etc.

That was the day that her invitations started drying up and kids started declining to go to her house too. I casually mentioned the point system to her DM once and she grinned and said she'd helped her DD make it, and encouraged her to confront the friends she felt weren't reciprocating.

cabbageking · 17/10/2019 22:21

Speak to the teacher first. It is their job to sort problems that emulate from school. If needed they will approach the parents keeping you out of it.

The class teacher is first point of call with problems. Never ever approach a parent instead of the teacher.

Stompythedinosaur · 17/10/2019 22:23

I would tell either the parent of the school, it's not nice behaviour at all.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/10/2019 22:24

I understand your dd was upset, however, this sounds a bit dramatic tbh. Dd (11) had the same sort of issue with her best friend recently. The girl was being purposefully nasty to a number of girls and made dd and another girl cry. As I didn’t know what part of the party dd would attend if at all (sleepover for some), I told the girls parent when the invitation was actually issued. Dd attended the party btw but I declined the sleepover as I didn’t like that dd would then be the chosen one and cause jealousy issues with the other children. And I didn’t want the girls party ruined in case the not chosen children declined.

I think your dd needs to find a few other friends if she doesn’t have many. This will help on the party issue.

lisag1969 · 17/10/2019 22:24

Don't let her go, you don't want her being friends with kids like that.
If she asks he why didn't she come,
tell her to say I didn't want to come,
My parents took me somewhere nice.

Original poster
Cuppachino · 17/10/2019 22:25

The class teacher is first point of call with problems. Never ever approach a parent instead of the teacher

Tbh, I'd rather speak to the parents. We all live beside each other, it's not as if we're strangers, it'll be fine.

OP posts:
category12 · 17/10/2019 22:25

The class teacher is first point of call with problems. Never ever approach a parent instead of the teacher.

That's daft - the girls are friends and have playdates - OP knows the mum to speak to. It's not like it's the child of someone she doesn't know. The school doesn't need dragging into it.

EugenesAxe · 17/10/2019 22:25

When I read of these things I’m always torn between sorrow and pity at how messed up emotionally a kid would have to be to do this to a ‘friend’, in the name of garnering power and control, and pleasure at the thought of how she’ll feel when she realises she’s cut off her nose to spite her face.

My DD is nearly 8 and her friendships seem similarly dynamic... I’m not looking forward to it much.

thedevilwithbarty · 17/10/2019 22:28

I would certainly want to know if one of mine was treating their friends like this. I'd be adding an extra line on the bloody "birthday board" and my dc would be earning points from me to avoid having the party cancelled altogether!

museumum · 17/10/2019 22:29

Kids are mirrors. Why is it ok for parents and teachers to create reward charts but not kids? If it makes us all so uncomfortable that this girl is doing it maybe we should question if adults should be doing it too? The emotions felt by the “subjects” of the charts must be the same whoever draws them up.
Instead of vilifying the child this should make us all pause for thought.

BeesKnees4 · 17/10/2019 22:30

@purplepalace
The mother helped her? That’s awful, encouraging their daughter to be a spiteful bully.
I think the girl in OP sounds vile and a budding bully, straight to her mum and tell what her little horror is up to,

Original poster
Cuppachino · 17/10/2019 22:31

My DD is nearly 8 and her friendships seem similarly dynamic... I’m not looking forward to it much

Oh it's a minefield, especially when there's a 3 way friendship 🙄

OP posts:
Fandabydosey · 17/10/2019 22:31

Maybe the other parents are planning to do what you are doing. The mum of birthday friends probably doesn't know what is happening.

Caledoniahasmyheartforever · 17/10/2019 22:33

In your shoes, I would have your dd say,

“I don’t like the way you have been treating me, good friends don’t manipulate each other, only bullies do! If you continue to be mean, then I am not coming to your party - I don’t like bullies.”

If the friend continues to be manipulative then just have your daughter say “I don’t want to go to your party, I don’t like bullies”.

There are some great books on friendship by the American Girl brand,

www.amazon.co.uk/Smart-Girls-Guide-Friendship-Popularity/dp/1609582233?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

www.amazon.co.uk/Stand-Yourself-Your-Friends-Bossiness/dp/1609587383?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

www.amazon.co.uk/Smart-Girls-Guide-Yourself-Changing/dp/1609589033?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

www.amazon.co.uk/Smart-Girls-Guide-Herself-American/dp/1683370619?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

www.amazon.co.uk/Smart-Girls-Guide-Manners-Confidence/dp/160958189X?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I bought them for my dd when she went through similar friendship issues around your DD’s age.

Blatherskite · 17/10/2019 22:33

Personally, I'd be having a word with the parents before I sent DD in with a seemingly definite refusal.

This girl could get mean if she thinks she's being undermined.

BlackCatSleeping · 17/10/2019 22:33

DD will tell her friend tomorrow that she's not going to the party. Perhaps her friend will apologise and stop with the points system. If not then I will inform the parents as to why DD will not be attending the party.

I'm sorry, but I think this is a terrible idea and not teaching your daughter the right way to deal with these things.

Just have a friendly chat with the mum about whether she is aware of the points system and ask her to knock it on the head. I'm sure the mum will apologise and the girl will be warned.

These children are still too small to deal with such complicated issues and need parental involvement sometimes to explain why things are wrong. As it stands you are just encouraging your daughter to play tit for tat and engaging in petty behavior. I really think you should reconsider.

ladyme · 17/10/2019 22:34

I was really furious when my daughter was pushed about like this in year 2, two (so she'd have been 6-7, is that right?) - her friend had a sign she'd make in the classroom to let her know if she wanted to play with her at break!!! I did loads of "do you think friends treat each other like that?" Type stuff and eventually the scales fell from her eyes and she stood up for herself and has had very little to do with this girl since.

I suppose I should have approached it with the teacher looking back.

But seriously I've heard of various things like this as girls test out their power as they get older. It's not nice but it is how they learn to spot the signs of poisonous friendships / relationships.

EleanorReally · 17/10/2019 22:34

Oh dear, taking the points a bit seriously, tell her parents if you like

Qu1tter · 17/10/2019 22:35

@Museumum.

That's exactly what I was coming to say. I hate behaviour charts and this is simply being added to my list of why they are shit.

Relational aggression like this sucks OP. Ultimately you can't stop every other child behaving badly toward your daughter but you can try and give her the coping skills to deal with it herself. Have you asked her what it is she wants to happen next?

OkayGo · 17/10/2019 22:35

Jesus I'd be appalled if my daughter did a point sheet like that. Really nasty cruel behaviour.

ladyme · 17/10/2019 22:36

I also like the American girl books - there's one about gossip and rumours and when I was reading it with my dd there was a situation that related to something happening at work! I followed the advice (aimed at 8 year olds) and it worked!

Binglebong · 17/10/2019 22:37

I'd tell the parents anyway. You're (rightly) looking after your DD but the other children may have not told their parents. And she does really need to know it's not acceptable to treat people this way - the only way for that to happen is to lose control of it. For that either all the friends need to stand up to her and decline (unlikely) or someone (parents) needs to stop this.

PixieDustt · 17/10/2019 22:37

YANBU.
I had a friend like this when I was young and my mum couldn't stand her. She was controlling and would try to divide people all the time. It got to the point my mum refused to let her in the house and wouldn't let me socialise with her.
Looking back I'm so glad she did!

purplepalace · 17/10/2019 22:39

@BeesKnees4 I know, the mum thought it was a great idea....shes incredibly ambitious and adopted the view that you need to make things happen for yourself 'don't be sad you aren't getting invited...get out there and make them invite you' sadly her DD was quite lonely because at 8 the girls all shied away from such forced friendship.

Anyway...back to OP's dilemma.

I would guess that this little girl is actually quite insecure, and using this party as leverage, she must lack guidance too. As cruel as this is....I feel sad for the birthday girl, happy children don't behave like this.

Original poster
Cuppachino · 17/10/2019 22:49

These children are still too small to deal with such complicated issues and need parental involvement sometimes to explain why things are wrong. As it stands you are just encouraging your daughter to play tit for tat and engaging in petty behavior. I really think you should reconsider

Parental involvement is exactly what I've done and I may also involve girls parents if it's not resolved soon. I disagree that this is tit for tat, I am teaching DD to stand up for herself. DD would go along with this if I didn't put a stop to it. I'm showing her that you don't have to accept people being mean to you.

OP posts: